Been forever

I was in Harlem passing Apollo theater saw bright lights Prince's music figured it was a concert......wow. I'm haunted by his leaving. Kind of cheesy but I had dinner at the Odeon last night, which is where I spent NYE 1999. Ok my experience with TAFKAP is I was a kid visiting my father in Chicago. His neighbor was a record promoter and my dad got boxfuls of promotional albums. One of them was Prince Controversy. (I spelled that right). I saw a pull-out of him in lace underwear his pubes showing and everything. His voice was so high it sounded girlish. At the time it was freaky to me like I'd never really seen this before, from a man. I also read he'd been booed offstage.....he wouldn't get famous for a few years. Hope you're in a better place, Mr. Nelson. My ex bf is also Jehovah's witness.

winter, nyc and some jersey

with a massive headache sorry Liverpool for not knowing exactly where you are I tried looking it up all I got was the football team. 

here are some highlights from winter here the beautiful for which I'm thankful amidst all the not so beautiful. January, thanks to Michael Fisherman at Prince George, among other people, was, to put it nicely, trying. Anyway, I'm over it. Voila! Nice stuff I think. 

Also some kitchen from Hell's Kitchen, deli cat, cute neighbor's dog.

the guy with the pink glasses asked me an annoying question so I stopped talking to him but this photo I have to mark this one it's too crazy.....

love nyc but dying to go somewhere at least for a bit but where?

Jayne Casey and Bill Drummond 

Liverpool, London, Scotland


Some online articles I was reading made me remember London where I'd love to return only drawback being the weather as I don't take well to the cold. Liverpool? Where is that, anyway? In the UK somewhere.....but where so much has been happening past and present, like see above. When I was in London my favorite place to eat was a little divey Indian restaurant in Kings Cross where this very sweet lady pretty much ran the place, this and stuff I discovered on my own if I'd done things differently better but there was just not enough time; even being held hostage in a near kidnapping with my father on the phone in Indianapolis. They had pretty decent vegetarian stuff. I have to say, the Indian food here in NYC is great. On every corner there is something from anywhere, really. So, you know, for all that I say if I could go somewhere in a time machine a few places would be Ancient Egypt or Greece, NYC in the 70s or 60s or France ca. 1700s London Bloomsbury (really loved it there) late 1800s though women weren't even allowed in libraries there's something to be said for cell phones and GPS.....and being allowed in the NYPL or the London equivalent.

great quote

"Religion has always, and will always, be a place for scoundrels to prey upon others. It is also a place where the guilty go to be cleansed. The two often look like, just as, from a hill far away, goats walking among sheep appear all the same."

http://statement-analysis.blogspot.com/2015/11/amanda-blackburn-murder-opinions.html

re-emerging

I've been through a lot since last time there's been good and not so good. But here I am. I know I can't take anything for granted. I know that the things I'm pursuing and trying to bring light to don't .....it's not about look at me I'm perfect it's about being free to be who I really am and not living in fear or constantly having to defend myself. Or wanting to go somewhere else where the grass is greener but freedom to go to another spotty lawn because I feel or did feel trapped, and not every week the same old same old, you know. Not that it's dull but keeping up with all of this has been exhausting and terribly confusing. I'm being vague I know but .....dealing with everything from missing ups packages to drivers licenses to paperwork to some very.....I took some stuff out because I think it came out wrong.  I mean certain issues.....some other time for this.

BUT there've been some highlights. Been hanging out with friends nice time and saw half the movie "Carol" plus the debates. Plus reading the Tarot on various people some of which turned out to be funny as well as pretty spot on.

oh, yes, and Oscar party lovely great pasta and cookies and people.....


Dreams very vivid but ......names Lucille Ball, Sia, visiting my father and needing to pee and the toilet is messed up, money jewelry and......

 

Marilyn's Killer confesses

http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/retired-cia-agent-confesses-on-deathbed-i-killed-marilyn-monroe/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=socialnetwork


Normand Hodges, murderer.  or so he says now. ? What can I say?

Norma Jean, exactly who was she a threat to? What did she do, besides pick the wrong men?

Kesha, Cosby

The Cosby case I haven't followed I admit but someone recently mentioned to me why did none of these women report what happened until ten years later when the statute of limitations has run out, and furthermore why is Kesha presenting her story of rape in a civil, not criminal court, ten years after the fact. I can believe her story and others or rather I want to, you know. There are, unfortunately, women who fabricate stories of abuse or rape and honestly I have a difficult time sympathizing with much of what I read in the papers for the very reason that these women DID NOT go to the police, the hospital, a doctor.....and those working your case have really nothing to work with, or there are no signs anywhere of trauma.....so we weren't there, how are we supposed to know what did or did not occur? 

However, there's another side to this which I understand because I've been there. I've been sexually harassed, and was subsequently fired from a job at a construction site, this all by an accountant. I did make one mistake when I was there plus it was a temporary assignment so there was really not much to go by. I went to the web site of NOW and read other women's testimonies. I was also ......there are people in the industry who did try, some not without success, to take advantage of me being that I was extremely vulnerable at the time. Most of the time, you don't want the cops there it's a very ugly scene. You don't want cop cars outside an office building where the guy is guilty of being a sleaze, but hasn't physically harmed you. I've heard stories of actors walking into agents' offices and offering sexual favors for parts, these male and female.....which is pretty vile, but it shows you how tight the competition is, to the point where people are willing to degrade themselves. I can't really judge as much as I'd like to or maybe this person was bullshitting who knows maybe that happened in the Cosby case ALL of these women threw themselves at him, but kinda doubtful. I can understand not wanting to go public with an embarrassing incident. Then when things start surfacing, it makes sense that you feel you have a safe space to speak in. 

It's a real paradox.....that's why when I was renting a space from Ted and he was behaving strangely, questionably, I felt compelled to write about it not to mention the stuff I'd read on him on the site ReportYourEx (it's been removed, but it said that women accused him a sexually, physically, financially and emotionally abusing them) and oh it's so ugly my biggest mistake was not to just leave. I understand that, too, why "she doesn't just leave." It's not always that simple, that's why. It does not mean that you have low self esteem or think it's ok to be violated. But I should have, not waited until things were at the threshold to where I was forced to act on this. Most people who abuse a situation operate out of the idea that they can keep their real selves hidden, all this dirty ugly stuff clandestine and therefore "no one will believe you" because "he's such a nice guy." If you talk about what happens you may face repercussions people belittling you, threatening you or your family it goes on and on. I understand that, too.  

"Throughout America's adventure in free government, our basic purposes have been to keep the peace; to foster progress in human achievement, and to enhance liberty, dignity and integrity among people and among nations. To strive for less would be unworthy of a free and religious people. Any failure traceable to arrogance, or our lack of comprehension or readiness to sacrifice would inflict upon us grievous hurt both at home and abroad.
Progress toward these noble goals is persistently threatened by the conflict now engulfing the world. It commands our whole attention, absorbs our very beings. We face a hostile ideology -- global in scope, atheistic in character, ruthless in purpose, and insidious in method. Unhappily the danger is poses promises to be of indefinite duration. To meet it successfully, there is called for, not so much the emotional and transitory sacrifices of crisis, but rather those which enable us to carry forward steadily, surely, and without complaint the burdens of a prolonged and complex struggle -- with liberty the stake. Only thus shall we remain, despite every provocation, on our charted course toward permanent peace and human betterment." 

Military-Industrial Complex Speech, Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1961 

 full text here 

[Below is a quote from the very brilliant editorial on the rise and rise of Donald /Duck/Trump, in comparison to Hitler, article here]

"We, the people, need to find somewhere, buried in the recesses of our fading memories, the capacity to make common cause against this formidable threat to our equally shared liberties. The time is now."
Danielle Allen is a political theorist at Harvard University and a contributing columnist for The Post.

Free Kesha

I have a lot to say on this and understand, I think, a good deal of her conflict. The problem lies with the fact that if you are attacked and want justice you have to go through the police and make a report. True, many of them will either disbelieve you or try to intimidate or tell you you weren't raped or any number of things (they are reluctant to take down information that will bring the statistics up; because NYC is SO safe now right? Remember Jaws? Enemy of the People? ) I have had many instances where I asked them to take down a record of what happened and they would not. Do what you can but DO NOT DO NOTHING. Fuck, I mean one woman said she was the type to scream from the hills if she felt righteously indignant, i.e. was under attack; and in the words of Emmaline Pankhurst; a screaming baby is attended to faster than a patient one. I feel, I feel absolutely, for anyone suffering due to someone abusing their power. It should never be allowed to happen and those who perp this stuff are the lowest of the low it goes without saying. Men (women, sadly at times) who are predators often seek out someone they think will be too intimidated to speak out, someone who comes across as submissive, or fearful). Get it in writing or write it down yourself there is so much social media it's infinite twitter blogspot ect ect otherwise this is what it comes to, your word against someone else and especially if "someone else" had power and leverage in the situation, money, connections, like I suppose "Dr. Luke" does. The worst thing you can do is bottle up keep silent yes it's difficult but.....I'm so thankful for the times I got help because thing is when you're 18, younger than 18, you simply aren't mature or worldly and it's very difficult to find a voice in situations. People are afraid to speak because they fear being attacked, legitimately. But a judge in a courthouse, if honestly they give a shit at all, has too many cases before and after you and have to make a decision based on what's in front of them; that is if they are not taking money from someone I've read too much about this though don't like saying it. 

Save text messages. Save numbers, dates. 


Hopefully you will never face something like this. Ultimately, no one wins, though sexual abuse is about power, that I learned even though I'd heard it before. 

Annette Benning in "American Beauty"


NO ONE "chooses" to be a victim, bullshit, that is. The world is full of those who are simply not nice. Often, they are able to hide it til it's too late. Or they pick someone who is without defenses.
Jaws | Oscars.org | Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

www.oscars.org1400 × 949Search by image

Featuring highlights from the Margaret Herrick Library and the Academy Film Archive.

For the record, I sympathize with Kesha and was infuriated when her case was so knee jerkingly (my opinion) reversed; and why should anyone ultimately be forced to be under contract to someone who has caused them so much unhappiness? What about other people who could speak for her, who saw what she was going through? Doctors, family, friends......or she could get a psychiatric evaluation that confirms she has PTSD from years of being under attack by someone with so much power over her? There is a lot of aggression and effort by some people to suppress information like this and to block a person from seeing a doctor who knows their history, like what happened to me in lower Manhattan. I'm being prevented from seeing someone who knows what I've been through, this allegedly due to scheduling conflicts and missed appointments even though I spent months trying to make an appointment and pay the balance I owed, which has been paid. Again, here I go where I wasn't going to say anything maybe there's nothing to it and a series of misunderstandings, maybe it's my fault like I'm being told. I wanted to see this particular doctor because she knows my story and I'm a witness in a court case. It could be a series of unfortunate or clumsy slipups I'll accept that if that's the case but you know I don't know what the reason is. It's all vague. But ultimately it's standing in the way of coming to a resolution about a lot of heavy and crucial stuff that has caused me hurt throughout my life.All, I might add, unnecessarily. Anyone has a right to a voice, and their story being told in their own words. A lot can fall by the wayside but I have to say in my experience it's whoever has power, often that they have not earned, in a situation decides what occurred. Remember, that's their story.Or as in the Jodi Arias case, a domestic violence expert and psychiatrist who have legitimate diagnoses of her being a victim of Travis are intimidated, threatened, sent hate mail, face aggression and hostility from people like Juan Martinez and bombarded with interruptions and "Ma'am"s yes I know yes it's imperfect but  bottom line get a doctor to speak for you do what you have to but the more who can speak for your side the better. Even if it's a struggle to get that, it makes every difference.

Either way......well.....anyway. That's all I can say for this. But when it comes down to it I'm not an expert on contracts but any kind of binding agreement where you sign your life away is.....well it's why people warn you to have an expert look over what you're signing. Still. ? Yes, if it were up to me I would let her go. 
 Still, life is more complicated than that, and people do things not knowing what they are doing. Don't misunderstand me. I know. I'm not sitting here saying I always do everything perfectly by the book and never fucked up that simply would not be true. I feel wholeheartedly for what she's going through. I think her expressions of grief and fear are genuine.


Even if it means not being famous the way you were but of course fame does not make an artist.

Evanston, New York, London Jersey City past present there is no.....?????

I've been caught in a storm really the weather, work, my ever well don't want to go into it here. A few things sustained me and a few people. I met a few cool ones too. Reconnected via Facebook with someone from my childhood a stormy thing but you know one I've been feeling guilty about most of my life. I was reflecting back, you know, some was great, some was awful; that saying best of times worst of times cliché but true, and you know, for the life of me though I just could not get into Dickens. I was trying to read David Copperfield in London when I got robbed.....good God. Pay attention, me. I did start reading a couple things one a book about government spying (which I don't need to read a book about to know about think I've become an expert; as I could not not). And Lee Harvey Oswald's diaries; the latter was very bizarrely soothing to me when I was in the midst of all that.....it's really fascinating stuff. So I was living in Jersey City which there was good and bad both extremes there ultimately if I hadn't left moved way uptown for all that I went through I also met some very special people. One brings on the other.
And looking forward to travel. More on this later.....

 

Speaking of wrong side of the tracks, I was telling my new shrink about getting bullied after school by the tough girls, they were not merely mean, they were scary. Patty, the "white trash" girl, and, well, the ghetto ones as well. Chicago has a lot of great qualities but it's very rough in parts. My mother's office got broken into which we had walked in upon, a man there with the cash box in front of him....."um, I just had to use the bathroom."

 Oliver .....my grammar school performed that musical, pretty good this one, but so grindingly grim and depressing.....and my mom liked to play the soundtrack so I heard it constantly growing up.

 

 

 

 

 

Columbus, Ohio age five?

My memories of Columbus are foggy since I was a child but there was my friend Kristin whose mother worked for Hustler magazine, a field with an antenna-like water tower looking into.....whatever was outside the apartment complex we lived in. In that place though I had experiences  Ive never had anywhere else.....the things I saw, the people I encountered, a hippie in the playground who gave me a piece of gum my mother telling me never take candy from strangers. Maybe this gum was laced with something I guess I'll never know but the things I saw I mean Willy Wonka no way yes it was but twisted like a fun house mirror or pcp meets Twilight Zone and LSD and the Dark Forest (Freudian)....three  monsters or something (the Way by Fastball, I associate this song with "Road Opening" more like the walls shot out with the force of a cork from a champagne bottle, not a painless thing) heads like alligators or crocodiles not sure the difference, like an ancient Egyptian god, Anubis, maybe? I would see those turning suddenly, sometimes just the head, on a table, in the.closet, staring at me.....these three beckoning me to.come with them, I ran out tried to get to my mother's room but her door was locked, one of the cats came up to me I think, we had two darling cats, Ankh and Freedom, I think this hippie family next door gave us them. Poor Freedom got trapped in the wall some mf put a block in front of the hole he was trying to get out of, why on earth do cats do that, crawl between walls and floorboards, maybe hunting mice? This makes my heart ache thinking of this but.....I heard these whatever they were growling or grunting, they were calling me, a tiger, yes literally when I went downstairs to the living room. Maybe children are more receptive but after we left that place I never saw these things again. I saw that same crocodile whatever head this an actual art project at Hunter in the basement of the North Building. Honestly, there is a weird guy that works down there.....but another time for that. I recently watched a video by Ke$ha "C'mon" the imagery, the lyrics, a little juvenile but .....I was in over my head at age six with something so sophisticated and esoteric and from the other side of the earth but there I was.....eventually I did travel to Egypt, then Israel. My father was horrified at my going and tried to stop me knowing the risks but I was unstoppable as a bullet I had to go. It's safe for the most part but with no guarantees I passed through Taba in Egypt which had been bombed recently and then witnessed a scare in Jerusalem I don't know why I move into hairy situations like this case in point going with a friend to an anti war protest in Chicago to find a few days later my phone was tapped and my friends because of? My "association" with one of the I suppose ringleaders of this that being I met him once, he was dating a friend of a friend of mine, and he had called me crazy because I had a meltdown in the middle.if my friend's father's play (you flip out at my dad's play) then Italian food later which is #1 in NYC I 




suppose Chicago, too.



What I saw Click Here

pic below from this site 

Johan Grenier   Johan Grenier (click link left)   is the artist


Death and the underworld have been calling me since.....since always. Why me? I don't know. So yes Anubis visted me when I was about five and I had not made any decision to become pagan or anything I don't know what other explanation you know that's what I saw. You can snort all you want. Even though it scared the shit out of me at the time and I saw him, or just his head sometimes, everywhere, I guess this is not uncommon he's visited other people. Shortly thereafter, we moved to Evanston. ? Age five yes this looks pretty accurate, pretty sure it was him. Come with me.....that's why I .....I won't go into it now.
.....I will speak my piece elsewhere now is not the time to get nasty.....I am referencing the artist, Johan Grenier,  above.

Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable behind the scenes

 http://pin.it/mWiQaQz

VL one of the most gorgeous women that ever lived. Clark Gable I just read was part African and American Indian, as well as German, and to his good, spoke against discrimination on the set, saying without equality there will be no Rhett Butler. 

Dreams more

My sister her friends dressed like cowgirls house in country always same house. A lake, hill, I go down the hill to meet a guy, in the lake I mean take boat across the lake. His house is there. He is AkDt.
Everyone is partying, my sister and her friends, but I can't because I have to study for a math class. AkDt is supposed to help but I get lost from his place.
I dream about this house by a hill next to a lake all the time.
And a family of cats. Happy one. I dream constantly of cats too.

Dreams of jewelry

Tables full beautiful otherworldly stuff but didnt know what to do with it which to sacrifice which to keep. Ancient greek theater

Susan Denise Atkins Whitehouse

Yes, THAT Susan Atkins, former "Manson Girl" she was not what she was hyped up to be. Read "Child of Satan, Child of God" listen to her side of the story she was if not innocent at least IMO not guilty, not a murderess. The technical part of this has been debated many times over; truly she, Pat and Leslie were victims too and not evil or dangerous.....but let this be a warning about cults, wolves in sheep's clothing especially anyone who wants to isolate you and drill drivel into your head, then flood you with LSD which puts your mind in a different place, but not a clear or logical one.
She was really a great woman, a bold statement but I believe so, tragically misunderstood.
http://www.susanatkins.org/04-Artwork.html

"No more babies" scene Gone With the Wind

In my ignorance having watched this film infinite times and read the book infinite times (I was one of those gwtw groupies) relating this story of a Southern girl ca. 1861 to me, a Yankee girl in NYC, Chicago, Indianapolis and Detroit the  cities I spent my time in most  growing up in the 1980s 1990s,  I in my mind assumed there was then some form of birth control.....did not understand the full meaning of no more children or "real intimacy" "fumbling awkwardness" ..... "you may keep your chastity, Scarlett" (sanctity in the film).....why her not wanting children was this huge thing. Scarlett's mother Ellen tells her "marriage must be borne with fortitude." Reading about the Amanda Blackburn case and listening to Davey's sermons put this in perspective after it made me remember reading this....."you should serve your husband by participating wholeheartedly in sex even when you're not in the mood" .....there is such a thing as marital rape yeah .....I briefly dated a guy who had just graduated from Columbia U. Law School   who claimed, bizarrely, never to have heard of it wonder if that was part of the test (the bar) he was studying for hope I corrected him in time. He actually told me he thought it was the husband's right..... I said to him you must be joking. This is why there was a women's movement and why I am thankful to be in NYC.

Awesome Venus

The Planets - Venus by InertiaK on @DeviantArt http://inertiak.deviantart.com/art/The-Planets-Venus-112999405

selfies

I was taking these long before they had a name.....