back.....

Sorry it's been forever since I've written here.....I've been swamped with making the transition to Washington Heights working, planning trips, training and putting together a new set.....a million things. My head even now is heavy and it's difficult to write but so much of the past month took everything out of me. A lot of moving forward and a lot of changes some good, some not so good; or rather not everything worked out as expected but despite what it was to get through it, the mistakes, ultimately some good did come of it.

Not to mention I'm caught up in the news particularly into the mysterious deaths of Amanda Blackburn in Indianapolis and now the girl in Italy Ashley Olsen. I cannot wrap my brain around this senseless violence and hatred toward someone not only unable to fight back but more or less innocent not that this is an isolated thing, at all. The stories I've heard from people who've been there, about the horrors perpetrated against female prisoners in Iraq this occurred largely during the Bush years and was pretty hushed up, but it did happen; this in light that among the other things I broke ties with certain people who were not good for me one of them was over there, I think, and considering the messages he sent me it wouldn't surprise me if he was doing that; though I have nothing confirmed. Goodbye Dutch. Goodbye M28.

As for the Amanda Blackburn murder I'm particularly absorbed in this I have lots of family in Indianapolis and the street she is on looks familiar, though many of them look the same I always got lost visiting my father when I walked the dog or went out running. 

Furthermore, I left my charger in Brooklyn but this nice man let me borrow his. Kindness of strangers.....?

Stuff

Riverdale thinking back what is it two years later. As always there were great things and horrific things. I've made peace with T in my mind a part of me feels compassion. It hurts me that friendships which had so much good and potential spiraled out of control into something bad and people's anger, ego, jealousy what have you got in the way and caused so much unnecessary pain. But there was good too. I'm not expecting life to be all rainbows and fluffy clouds I realize after everything I've been through you can care about someone who is deeply flawed even violent but if that little voice (I've read about ancestral veneration an African tradition brought to America) is telling you to get out and they're not the one.....I read Jodi Arias (don't know how to make the possesive thing on this keyboard) diary where she says the little voice was telling her not to go with Travis. Dude, that is the understatement of the 2000s first decade. But ironically because of Ted I met a wonderful man David whom I adore I am so thankful to spirits. David has said things to me that concern me but he has been kind to me also. I feel such a deep soul connection with him he was there for me like sent from Heaven's angels during some lonely and dark times. I suppose I attracted him with hoodoo. Anthony too, whom I love  a lot and seeing him is a blessing in spite of all the problems. I'm sorry things did  not work out in east Elmhurst but I don't have feelings for Mikati I just don't and though I'm grateful for his help but from day one that voice was saying "no."

Dreams

This one that I'm in a kind of mall or performance space buying a costume people are waiting for me.....I know who but will say another time.....today I dreamt of a carnival, Mom and Sam, E, the bridge. Oh yes a girl I thought was Allison was a different Allison, an Indian girl, saying she's not a "prix." Couple nights ago dreamt again of D Im getting on a train to see B a line I've never taken before end up his place Ds he's playing horror film music (maybe time time to watch Halloween I love the first one) and the camera or my mind is panning to one of those things I don't want to see this but I do anyhow it's a girl hung in a garage.....on closer reflection I realize "she" is me. Hanged Woman. Life in suspension. That's obvious.
So in my mind qu est ce que je fait.....or regarde.....

Law and Order (got hulu! Watched a recent episode this show is   to NYC 1990s 2000s what Shakespeare was to 16th century London)
Criminal Minds another great show awesome people
Jodi Arias her diaries (poor girl was victimized so many times I maintain my faith that she's innocent and thank God she was spared now she needs to be let out)
The rest of Prom Night
Halloween
Youtube stuff news commentary
There's a huge talent pool of genius out there

Thats the goid news. It's difficult to stay on top of it all but it's there

Films Marina Oswald

Sorry for the delay I've been holed up in Washington Heights after some drama (ha! When do I not have that?) And laying low. I just watched an awesome film on Marina Oswald turns out it's the same director of the Amanda Knox one, Robert Dornhelm. Austrian of Romanian descent I mean movies are so universal I guess it's not that easy to distinguish one nation's from another though there are I suppose certain cultural differences. Anyway I'd watch the Marina one again and so far I've been very impressed with Romanian cinema.....Ils or "They" in English is incredibly stylish.

Giselle Paris Opera, attacks

https://youtu.be/X2tEkyRIJbY

I found this.....Paris Opera ballets Giselle about a week before the attacks  These things coincide anyone's guess. IMO this ballet is one of the greatest accomplishments by anyone but countless people have been involved, women and men, for three centuries.

Better

This summer a series of things..... some were great so were some people. Other things bad to horrific. Certain things and people got me through that. This is a statue of St. Anthony in the courtyard of Dunkin Donuts in Carroll Gardens Brooklyn the light hit just the right way .....I go there early mornings sometimes.....hot chocolate with whipped cream half and half fortunately I can consume a fair amount and not get too chubby. I have a sensitive stomach so I've stopped drinking coffee really no skim milk ugh .....



this is of a store on the UES somewhere, the 90s I think all these sodas in the window they look like they're from the 1950s it just reminds me of the teen movies from that era.....

photos

My phone is messed up again won't power on all the way. The only option is to buy a new one.....tomorrow. This is why I don't bother with expensive phones because this happens. However, I managed to save some photos I took thanks to Google+ which I don't use really but it did save them. 

This is me from ca. 1999 or so.....

more stuff around the city some of them I took over the summer.....

a couple selfies the last is in one of my favorite Chinese restaurants on Chambers St. 

Been staying in Washington Heights it's a lot of $ but worth it in terms of my peace of mind and getting back my sanity.....but what happened to my phone is extremely frustrating. This will be phone #356 I don't know stopped counting.....

new stuff

I have in fact been writing very intensely something but have to go over it before I publish it. It's been a very intense and exhausting week and I'm dealing with a lot. I haven't had a chance to write anything til now and what I did is very arduous and took a lot out of me. Basically I'm .....I could never just go with the flow I have to know what's going on. My latest stuff is about that; that indeed a lot of things have been hidden from me and well, everyone; and in this instance this is a major sore. And the ..... ongoing question why? This is stuff I didn't go public with for many years and had thought to let go but it, as it is, never let go of me because I never got an explanation. What inspired me to look into this again is a few things that were said to me this week which got under my skin and if the pressure is on me to prove something, prove myself, which is not easy to do especially ..... but the best I can do is tell it like I experienced it and I also looked some things up which cast a lot of doubt and ambiguity on things people said in the past which I had at the time taken them at their word for. Anyway.....working on this still will publish it soon. 

follow up

An incident occurred in Brighton Beach where I was a few months ago where the cops were called because this guy beat the shit out of his wife who was also his my friend. This after he stole money from her and did a lot of other stuff. The police took this guy away in cuffs and his wife went to a battered women's shelter. Thank God we are in America where there are civil rights statutes protecting women, unlike countries like Saudi Arabia where there are none. So lest you ......there was an incident over there where a guy beat, tortured and raped his five year old daughter to death and, well, basically nothing was done about it. These kinds of horrific abuses are not an isolated exception, but the rule over there. You gotta love America, and civil rights and democracy, be it highly imperfect but it's in place to be acted out of.  Anyway, I've said my bit for now. 

Other than that trolls are the absolute lowest life form to have ever existed and replying to them is a waste of my time. Ditto for haters If you act from the heart, you're not a hater. 




"You tried to trade on my naivety
But the things you do and say embarrass me
Seem once upon a time I was your fool
But the one I leave behind he is you"

Read more: Joss Stone - You Had Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics
"You Had Me" is track #3 on the album Mind Body and Soul. It was written by White, Francis Anthony Eg / Wright, Betty / Stoker, Wendy Anne / Stone, Joss.

Read more: Joss Stone - You Had Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics



Tomoyo Tsubasa Chronicle Handmade clay figure by yonkairuWatch

Artisan Crafts / Ceramics, Pottery & Clay / Ornaments & Objects©2015 yonkairu

#anime #animefigure #clamp #clay #clayart #polymerclay #sakura #sakurachibi #tomoyo #tsubasa #handmadeclay #claycraft #kawaiiclay #animeclay #clayhandmade #sakurafigure #sakuraclay #clayanime #yonclayshop #tomoyofigure #claysculpture #handmade #tomoyodaidouji #tsubasachronicle (show more)

drawing and Jupiter

I guess being female the female form is easier to draw (for me and I guess other people). Balanchine once said "dance is woman." I don't know maybe discriminatory but female form is curvier, more softly proportioned. Anyway.  I doodled constantly as a kid while tuning out whatever was going on in school. Even in kindergarten a teacher told my mom I wasn't interested in group activities I just wanted to do my own thing. I was a cherubic spacey kid with a mass of curly red hair and pouting lips. I went to Sunday school in Evanston; my mother taught one class and she is an excellent story teller. There was another class with a man, I believe he was British.....um, probably he had the right intentions but sorry it was like watching the wall. He wore a bowtie. Throughout his class I would stare at that totally fascinated. I had never seen a man with a bowtie in real life except once in a tuxedo. I thought ties were only the long ones and only saw bowties in the movies, period pieces. 
So I drew during his class if I had paper in front of me. I drew women, dancers, models. My mother is fairly good at sketching and there are many painters in my family so it came naturally. One Sunday afternoon, my mother approached me after Sunday school, kind of laughing, saying that he this teacher had privately told her that I was drawing pictures of sexy women during Sunday school class. 


Jupiter as a female? 

This one is by an American girl. 

http://majoh.deviantart.com/

Another, this an Italian guy


http://neko-vi.deviantart.com/

Bastet

Found this on the Deviant Art site:

I love Deviant Art boy haven't looked at this site in a while. It makes me remember a time in my life that was very creepy chilly.....but that escaped from. This a few years ago. 

http://mari-na.deviantart.com/

 

Image - Bastet 3!!!.jpg - The Secrets Of The Immortal Nicholas ...

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File history

Illegal spying on and harassment of bloggers

I don't enjoy writing about these things but it has come out that cointelpro style attacks are being committed along with illegal spying on people who voice their grievances over various social and political issues like I have done. I know about this very well as my suspicions have been proven true. I am one of those people who was unjustly targeted but I want to emphasize this did NOT begin with Obama this occurred during the Bush years. The level of nastiness and petty meanness is stunning. I was targeted by the IRS and I am not a conservative. Nor am I imagining this this is very real as conversations I had privately were repeated verbatim at so called improv shows among other places. Damn right this is criminal activity. This is also why I am avoiding protests and other things I did like radical cheerleading which was creative performance art .....nothing more yet the level of bitchiness and backstabbing I mean .....you think junior high was bad! The spying and wiretapping have been outed and can't be refuted. Much of this was commissioned (illegally) not necessarily by government but by people with money to pay private investigators and hackers because that too happened to me. My friends and I were followed and some dirty lowlife hacked into my emails and, under my name and email address, sent my friend a message asking her if anyone touched her inappropriately "while we were growing up." They also sent nude webcam photos of me to family members. Of course this was not consented to by me nor would I do anything so ridiculous and sick as to send racy photos of myself to my mother and sister and friend. My friend caught the sick email asking if she molested "while we were growing up" when she said we didn't grow up together and alerted me to what happened. She also got an email from my address by this same person pretending to be me asking if she wanted to come party with me and a friend I'm withholding specifics but I asked this friend if he got into my account and wrote this (I did suspect him to be honest as this person had done things in the past that were hurtful to me as well as threatened me, this a him) to her; and he emphatically denied doing it. I did not write these emails that should go without saying, the person I suspected said he didn't do this but obviously someone did and if .....or some such I want to get to the bottom of this as this is very malicious and not an accident. This female friend who got this message  sent a reply saying this is not Laura whoever you are.  Who ever wrote this fraudulent email under my name  apparently confused my friend for my sister. Look I don't know who wrote that message this nor do I want anyone who would do this kind of thing, whoever they are, in my life but when I got attacked I mentioned what happened to the people handling my case as this goes beyond merely a prank this is someone who, even if he or she mixed my sister and friend up, knows I have a sister and other details about my life. When these emails were sent, the one to my friend during the spring, I was at a friend's house in Manhattan, asleep and my phone was charging. I wasn't on the computer or phone at the time. I woke up a couple hours later and saw the replies from my friend which mentioned this message. The nude webcam pictures were sent to my sister a few years ago when I was living in Jersey City. Someone recorded me without my knowledge or permission and sent footage to her.
Around the year 2006, this occurring before what I just talked about.....sorry for the confusion as I'm writing this on my phone trying to get this all down; the repetition of private conversations with my friend in performances I went to, not to mention ripoffs of our ideas, and petty meanness toward me from the IRS and taxing of my 401k, I mean considering this was all the money I had since I wasn't working and had to pay rent I think it was unfair and wrong: that is my opinion. It's not like I was hiding millions of American dollars in an offshore account like I've since found out a number of well known and established people are. I'm not some kind of sleaze trying to take advantage of the system or cheat the government.
Ok; point number ? Another thing: The plagiarism of my words, things I said in an interview with the RCs for Glamour Magazine,  and fraudulent attribution of things I said during this interview, to another person involved, I'm keeping names out for now and for a long time I wasn't going to say anything you know I thought should I let this go or what; but no because it's fucking wrong; I deserve credit for my own intelligence and thoughts, and considering at my job I had been told I haven't "proved myself" as having ability to write and report news and well here's your proof but it's under someone else's name, even though they never said this I did; this  occurred ten years ago and Obama was not president then, Bush was. I want to state this:  I did not write the cheers I performed what was   the consensus at protests and it was FUNNY. I never said I hate Bush or Obama I am not a hateful person. I am an artist and writer. I did because I wasn't working my father had just died and there was no money, I was kicked out of my place and needed to get on my feet, fast. What else was I supposed to do? I mean, no one was paying my way though some people helped and I am grateful for that. But there was no ok some other time for this..... I struggled worked my ass off and dug myself out of a grave so in my opinion why should I apologize? This Glamour Magazine article was written by Liz Scarf and published in the UK and according to the RC website this writer did not fact check and that includes verifying who said what. Journalism 101 I did work in the news says fact check. Look I'm not trying to pontificate but I have to say I find it hypocritical how power was thrown in my face accusing me of being inept at newswriting yet this occurs in Glamour Magazine a major publication by someone put in a position to do this and who was paid by them--but these aren't minor slips these a glaring errors. There's no excuse for not getting this straight. Furthermore, others were quoted as saying things they never said. And quite honestly, people who do this are really not in a position to tell me I'm not good enough to write or haven't proved myself. They run in the same circles.
Another thing; in light of the revelations that Verizon assisted in government spying I was using Verizon at the time this happened; this all around the years 2004-2005  who also tried to overcharge me. A strange man showed up at my door one time saying he was there to "check the meter" and his vibe rubbed me the wrong way. He was very menacing.   Another time during the RNC protests a chopper was hovering over my apartment. Call it what you want whatever it was but I have seen the spy equipment as a store in my neighborhood sells it and friends told me privately that they knew people who were doing this and following me and neighbors around in cars. Not to mention unusually high numbers of hits on a poetry page I posted I mean this is all verifiable I'm not dreaming it, dude. I had mentioned to some other activists that there was spying and one of them was dismissive of me. She went to the DNC to RNC march and complained in an email how it had all turned to crap. Later, an Indymedia article outed one girl as an undercover who went to this march and was involved in at least one setup that landed a 18 year old kid in jail, for a scheme to blow up a building which in fact she had instigated (Anna Davies I believe is her name). This kid in my opinion was not too bright and I personally don't condone, nor have I ever, blowing up buildings. I watched the towers fall at my former job and witnessed several people having nervous breakdowns from the trauma of being near the scene or witnessing it during the Sept. 11 attacks. In short, I am not violent and not a terrorist nor have I ever been. I spoke up about street harassment. I have had my verbal fight but I don't set out to hurt people and never had. I wrote, I danced, I was silly at times.....but I am not an enemy of the state or a dangerous insurgent and therefore spying on me, probably done without a warrant because there's nothing to warrant, is completely unjust. Ditto the other attacks on me. When I saw that spy store, I said people who thought I was paranoid, I wonder who taught them to think. Check out the film "Alone with Her" it's brilliant.   
The fact that some one has a personal vendetta against someone, criticizes them or questions what they do or say,  disagrees with them, speaks out against political oppression, or because they see another person an an artistic or career rival who may steal the spotlight or some such thing from them, is not justification for malicious personal attacks or invading their privacy,  or spying on them. Yet this is what happened. This did not begin with Obama and I've never publicly said anything bad about him, I've never incited anyone to violence nor am I a declared enemy of the government, or anybody. I've never been arrested. I write and perform and that was apparently the raison d'etre (forgive me for not accenting that properly this is not on my keypad) for my phones computers and emails intercepted as well as wiretaps well it occurred somewhere. Ask my friends if you don't believe me.

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Clip from Rod Stewart "Infatuation"

 
Voyeurism aka pervert law

that's right tear them a new one! ha     

sickos

deli cats and Lisbeth Salandar

Bodega cats are usually very friendly and sociable as they are used to being around people.....I've gotten to know a few of them. I just love these little guys to pieces.
Sorry to take so long to update I had my phone stolen last week and no computer. What kept me sane was reading Stieg Larsson's Girl With the Dragon Tattoo love it love Lisbeth.....  

Pussy Riot with a few additional words a year later

 OK I'm adding a little to this: 

A part of me can empathize with what these girls went through. 

Billy Idol's ex was  a friend of some friends of mine. Her name was Spike, and she did have real talent. A few years ago, not sure......or? recently she was run over. She showed up at my friend's door that night.....rang the buzzer.....then......

ooh. ooh.



Watching a documentary on them that a friend gave me.....reminds me a little of the radical cheerleader days. Also what I read of the British Suffragists: "You have to make more noise than anybody else  you have to fill the papers more than anybody else.....if you want to get your reform realized." Emmaline Pankhurst. I watch this with a grain of salt as I.am not over there (but what is this: a country so allegedly poor but even in Communist days the women were dressed like they stepped out of  Vogue and punk rock and everything.....black market, in America it was called "bootlegging" .....and now their trains look spotless, comfortable and pretty.....but? What do I know.....) I am ignorant as to what Putin has done.....and.....but to stage a protest performance like this I know is a lot of work.....but somewhere too this was being documented as well.....their families interviewed. In the Bush days there were massive protests in every American city ironically his presidency was the catalyst for so much great music art film.....not to mention the loss of our privacy and freedom (that did NOT start with Obama) and mine in a devastating way. This kind of public insurgency isn't new either.....for so long I have avoided writing about this and stayed away from occupy wall street because I felt I would express my .....? I found other methods of it. And did not want to get arrested, thank you. I have known of people in and out of jail (cat and mouse, Pankhurst said.....anyway. It is very disturbing to think about. I watched a youtube clipped of a Ukrainian protester being.....or having been tortured.....Awful stuff.....
Anyway. I was raised in a secular non religious environment in Chicago and New York with divorced parents and went to "nice liberal" Episcopal churches Diana Vera wrote about with female ministers and gay married couples...) so I personally never felt any kind of.....moral fear that I suppose a lot of people are raised with..... though I was told a lot of brain damaging psychobabble by faux New Age gurus but that's another story. Personally although I don't believe what Pussy Riot did in the cathedral was terribly tasteful but I can understand why they did it.....why they are angry. These women.girls have.....how do I say it? I can feel deeply for anyone who puts them self on the line and out of a comfort spot to raise an issue and speak out against a wrong or for what they feel is urgently necessary and impossible to ignore. . I know too well the lies and denial young women are fed day after day even by other women.....and make no mistake they ARE lies.....suck it up, be grateful, shut your mouth.....and things I have been told others were raised with that are so preposterous it's hard to believe but I heard it from more than one source.....

" Last night a little dancer came dancin' to my door
Last night a little angel Came pumpin cross my floor
She said "Come on baby I got a licence for love
And if it expires pray help from above" 



I'd sell my soul for you babe
For money to burn with you
I'd give you all, and have none, babe
Just, just, justa, justa to have you here by me
Because

 Rebel Yell/Billy Idol

"Prom Night" more on

Squat or Rot 

"A cake of soap. A wedding ring. A gold filling." 

Sylvia Plath

As Halloween is approaching and I love this holiday it's my favorite: plan to really do this (suggestions? I love the skulls at Walgreens and .....oh wait a minute every day of my life is this 365 but on this time, Sun in Scorpio, it's official. Skulls are protection: the spirits of the dead (esp. your kin) can cover your ass so be nice to them......
So I never went to prom. I went to a succession of "alternative" high schools one for geniuses another for fucked up kids in Chicago, where they just wanted you to graduate, period. I suppose better than GED or .....there I met my nemesis, Krystal Hunt, who attacked me when I was seven years old. "Still weird....." she said. We recognized each other. I saw some .....ok I'll keep it civil.....this woman who approached me smiled at me.....I just got the wrong vibe from her. "Remember me from junior high?" No, thank fuck. I've blocked it out, including you. I didn't have breakfast yet, though maybe that added to my irritability. A part of me thinks, time goes by forgive and forget. The problem is people don't well whatever. At the time I was enraged, you know, but what can you do? Yeah, so Krystal Hunt, when we were seven, we're friends now I'm sorry  when we were a few blocks away from school I knew it was coming so I was prepared. She dropped her act and attacked me, again. What makes people think I'm so naive and dumb I won't see through an obvious act? "One may smile and be a villain....." (Hamlet) [citation] I knew that then. I ..... animals they know danger when it's approaching "I walk through the shadow of death" "You want to put me back in Stillwater?" (Fargo) yet I went so I have to at least accept .....but I survived. Wouldn't be the last time. ..... call it transference projection what have you something to discuss with my shrink but can't stop it just grips me and I can't get over it, it won't leave my mind, never, it can't I close my eyes he's there open them he's there even when he isn't.....he's always with me always next to me can almost feel his breath on my neck, or in my ear.....

"I may be skin and bone. I may be Japanese." Plath

  So eight years old visiting family in Michigan and my aunt, who was closer in age to me than my mom and a teenager then, took me under her wing and introduced me to her high school friends this was the era of bands like Foreigner or a few years after  ..... me, age eight or so, my aunt, who was maybe fifteen, her guy friends one of them Brent, I think his name was.....we're driving through Michigan, this Battle Creek, a --if you've never been there you're in for something if you decide to visit. I don't even know how to describe it.....the whole state is very lonely with extremes of weather hot that burns you pink in minutes and bone-stabbing cold..... and the feeling is as if you were on the moon, or a deserted carnival.....I haven't been everywhere but even taking a cab through what was the remains of Taba in Egypt after it was bombed .....it's as if the oxygen and any signs of life human warmth or souls have been sucked out......that's Battle Creek.....through the trees and the sky black, at night, summer, through some stone tunnel or something like that......like you see in Central Park. Mary says, "I'll bet someone was murdered in here" too close to the probable truth because this tunnel was a real horror show.....or something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story. On our way to the movies. We went to McDonalds where I was dying to try the orange shake.....Brent said, "That looks like pus." (piss? pus....piss pus, pus) Me: "What is pus?" "When you pop your pimples....." Pimples maybe I remembered.....so we got to the theater where "Prom Night" is showing (what is prom) last scene the story difficult to follow (motivation, goo.....avenging his sister's death) "kill kill kill.....!" My aunt used to call me "cuds" though I didn't know what that meant.....I went out of the theater to get soda couldn't return it went back in bloody hands out of the ceiling girl alone in a locker room young couple making out in a camper, in the woods, and we were in the woods. My friend once told me the city is safer. It is. Where will you run in the woods who can you call there are no pay phones.....at the end the head in a ski mask, minus the rest of him, is on the floor the mask comes off and that was my first severed head. Later.....a few years, age twelve, our class was shown a film on the French Revolution even now thinking about it makes me sick.
So maybe it was a subconscious thing but I never went to prom even if it was .....but, shrug. I went to shows. Punk bands. Red Hot Chili Peppers once in Brooklyn and once in Chicago even if .....the crowd there was rough even more than the skinheads I came back from that show in Chicago where I was front row with bruises on both hips. My dad was driving me to the show and we couldn't find the tickets later Dad found them "they were in the litter box" .....a girl friend of mine had a thing with Anthony Keidis even though he had a gf and .....the wall had been cracked the Cold War was ending and I was in ice. I didn't want to leave my friends my life where I was happy but I was not really .....I had to....."yes yes herr professor it is I" Sylvia Plath

Lee Harvey Oswald in Russia

Have been researching this just cause I don't know.....I was randomly searching through old ballet footage from Russia and thought of what I'd seen and read about him there; not much. Anyway. 

"dying is an art/I do it exceptionally well/I do it so it feels like hell/I do it so it feels real" Plath

Anna Pavlova - 'Invitation to the Dance' aka 'Invitation to the Valse'

I used to pore through pictures of her for hours anyway this is so pretty even if the music sucks (merely my opinion)

apes

When I was about ten years old I was taken to see 2001 Space Odyssey with my then step siblings and stepfather and mother. Given that we were children.....in a big dark empty theater and this movie is three hours long.....I haven't watched this in ages but am obsessed with Jan 12 1992 Dan Richter's performance as the bone-discovering ape. This film is actually comic and considering it was 40 some years ago this makes me think about the issues with my phone which has malfunctioned innumerable times probably due to being hacked.
When I was in school I was cast in a....not sure whether to call it a play a dance or what.....I was dressed up like an ape and playing one.....jumping around and making the sounds they make. My boyfriend at the time asked if he could come see it and I asked him not to I was embarrassed then.....but watching this sequence God I deserved an Oscar and so does anyone who can do these moves because they are exhausting. Dan Richter deserved one. Who says this isn't acting? Of course it is!

cannibal cop

Around the time this came out; no joke; I was listening to this song over and over on my phone. He was at the 26th Precinct, to whom I reported the crime when I was attacked. All male officers. So harrowing.....I'm shaken everywhere.

pop psych: narcissim, sociopaths, psychopaths

I jotted this down after reading an article: this associated with narcissism but attributable to others. Mainly all three have a need for validation as well as power and control. I've seen this behavior in poor and oppressed people as well as rich middle class this is one illness that's across the board. Ironically, it manifests itself in pretty much the same ways; except sometimes the middle and upper middle classes will go to greater lengths to hide it. Heaven help you if they sense you know their secret: they will go ballistic at you and often try to destroy you or at least prevent you from talking. Oftentimes they themselves know psychology but will fail to see these traits in themselves and project them onto you making you think you are bad, you are the problem. You're not. They are bad, they are the problem. But they will go the distance to maintain that deception, really do anything to. Their obsession and impulse is to seek out situations of power no matter how irrational and that of course is dangerous to everyone including animals. They will lie about who they really are; and go to any length to present themselves as upstanding members of society; progressive and liberal thinkers (in fact they're the opposite: they usually hold rigid, intolerable and inflexible (usually patriarchal) views on how the world should be and how people should act, what their "role" in society is and expect everyone to act according to that. But if it suits them to the occasion they will pretend to be the opposite. They will involve themselves in liberal and activist causes; and if it gives them the role of the "rescuer" even better as that validates their need for power while disguising their true identity. No one will think they president of the society for abused children or animals is not a nice guy/girl. It also forces they rescue into the position of being grateful and owing them. All of these attributes are glaring red alarms in a potential rapist or date rapist and honestly .....there are many athletes and frat boys and jocks who are great people and there are many of them in my family. But often in those circles (I saw a lot of this at Stuyvesant as well) is the premise that they must win at all costs, blast through obstacles, convince the other party to your way of thinking or change their opinion, win them over, rack up numbers, prizes, statistics you get the idea. And be aggressive and scary to your opponent. But this alone isn't always enough because often these men don't want trouble. Borderline or narcissistic personality comes with it: the need to instill both admiration and fear into another, to draw them into your circle and keep them there; as well as bipolar thinking one minute you're great the next you're terrible no matter what. Rage, intolerance, unforgiveness inappropriate to the situation; i.e. over minor things, can erupt into violence if their superiority is questioned or if they sense that they're losing you.
Women and girls fall for actors, athletes and rock stars because they are good looking, charismatic, famous and rich and achievers in arts and sports as well as "poets" who "understand" them I understand as a teenager I looked up to these men. Often, they do understand. But that's not always a good thing. These are the kinds of people who seek out power, acclaim, fame because it validates them and gives them control. Life is a set of statistics to them, and trophies and men view women as this; as the Other, as less than them, as a thing; and they seek out environments and situations where they won't be criticized or punished for this type of thing but told that it's ok to behave this way even if you are damaging people and lives. I can understand being attracted to boys in bands and actors but athletes especially are trained daily in aggressive, high adrenaline settings and to seek winning numbers, points, prizes, money; and to move up the ladder by pushing others down. This doesn't make for boyfriend material because he carries that mentality over to women and to put it plainly he doesn't give a shit about you or anyone else he's sexually involved in. It can hurt to be psychologically coerced or manipulated into degrading, humiliating and painful sex acts and this further confused by the fact that in these circles this type of behavior is  accepted and they get away with it; while they think you're just a cheap tramp. Maybe some women act "cheap" or dress that way and be they ever so this, so that, even if they act "trashy" no one deserves to be treated like shit. No one deserves to be lied to to get them to consent to sex then dumped like used toilet paper. But that's how it happens and it's condoned and accepted; these men are surrounded by people who parrot and reinforce what they want to hear which is that they are right, can do no wrong, and it's acceptable to hurt people this way and a good thing. But it is none of these things. It's not acceptable, it's not good, and nothing but wrong ever comes of this behavior. It creates long-term ill effects emotionally, psychologically, socially; it tears apart relationships, friendships, and is purely destructive. The emotional toll is not always visible but is disastrous. This whole basketball player/ex gf suit maybe they are both immature and both wrong. She may be telling the truth it wouldn't be surprising. The difference between consented to and not consented to sex can be hazy and confusing. Maybe you agreed to this but not to that but he argued with you tried to change your mind told you that (usually in more glossy terms) this turns him on and that if you don't do this he will find some other girl who will. There is always "some other girl" outside. So you finally give in under pressure and even though you said yes and you weren't physically forced you ended up being talked into something you didn't really want  to do. You don't want to think your bf is a monster and maybe he isn't. He has good qualities.....but point being a lot of athletes are narcissistic and are in a setting in which women aren't respected and in the end he chose someone else for his wife while you were a "side chick." Thing is, he probably treats his wife just as shittily. The more women and girls are educated the less shiny the fool's gold. Venus, goddess of love, is of smoke and mirrors. Narcissists concoct an image but it's a facade to draw you in. They can sense where you are vulnerable and suck on that and suck on that and suck on that the vampires they are til there's nothing left of you, til you're haunted by a ghost of your old self with no idea what happened. But an attachment is an attachment and some women (men) won't let go and if they're narcissistic in their own way they will seek their own validation. Or revenge. Well, the best advice would be know what and who you are dealing with.