gulf war.......91

  underground dance scene largely consisted of black and latino youth, many gay and lesbian. or else female.......you know disenfranchised people or at least one example....... they liked to boogie down on occasion......one deals with pain in their own way, yes.







boy. some of these images I can't.........they speak for themselves

Second Wave Feminism.......

Andrea Dworkin, Betty Friedan and others wrote about its birth.....due to the hypocrisy (at times) and double standards in the hippie movement.....how groovy is groovy.....think about it.....beneath the peaceful guitar strumming beading exterior......again, this wasn't all the time but unfortunately it was enough to cause alarm that brought forward a new society.....HE was talking.......

Road Trip Salmon Song:





http://youtu.be/haVXS9rMNxI

"I thought every German was you, and the language obscene" Sylvia Plath

 "If I can't dance, I don't want your revolution." Emma Goldman

Anna Pavlova.....was completely obsessed with her. Mainly her face and eyes were what were so expressive

Missing Foundation Party's Over

Betty Friedan had written in a book I'd read The Feminine Mystique that.....in a chapter titled "The Comfortable Concentration Camp" that people being sent to the gas chambers.....one had been a dancer, who did a small dance before being shot. This as told by Bruno Bettleheim. That that was some kind of liberating moment......he'd written that in such extreme conditions those being imprisoned turned on each other rather than those imprisoning them. "Work for your freedom" they'd been told. But the work was drudgery and endless.....you know.....that nothing new. Always there'd been a slave class. Truthfully dance is damn hard work. It's aching, huffing puffing, so excruciating,  and so tiring just no words can describe.....

Yankee detectives
Are always on the TV
'Cos killers in America
Work seven days a week

Never mind the stars and stripes
Let's print the Watergate Tapes
I'll salute the New Wave
And I hope nobody escapes--The Clash

As a teenager, I may have come under the radar of Russian espionage. No, no joke. You don't know.......most people don't even know the half of the half of the beginning.......

When my father came here for a visit......he ........ he'd lived in Chicago (near the Belmont area, that being kind of like the East Village of that city) and Indianapolis, his home town, is a major American city also; not a naive person.  But when we were in a cab on St. Marks with my mom he said it looked like they'd opened up an insane asylum. I am remembering a quote from Missing that Thomkins Sq Park is built on sacred American Indian burial ground thus......explains all the jagged dissonant insanity one always finds there still you know hasn't really gone away......one night I dreamt of a giant fire in that park. Turns out Missing Foundation had had a concert there where they had set a fire.....there was so much random and inexplicable violence both in Chicago and NYC and there seemed a peculiarly sinister element in Chicago maybe because it's a city of such extremes, of weather and other stuff.





Nazis invented (ta-tum! get ready for this one:) 
"Panzer Schokolade" 
i.e. our friend Crystal Meth......Hitler himself.....and I really hate writing on this subject......was a daily injector. Crazy, right? During fascist times seems (to me, though I'm just one person) one parties harder? And the music is better. Why is that? My friend said it's because people pour their pain and struggles into art......


Blazing Saddles   ( link not clear but just click.....)

LA Style



Culture Beat

from the 80's really on a roll

Lil Louie French Kiss  


I read, I think, an interview with David Geffen where he was asked why during Republican presidencies the music is better and he said something along the lines of if Pat Buchanan were elected President the world may suck but the parties would be great, or something like that.....or the music would be great.....around the time of this video the American military was bombing Iraq to dust and anyone-who-may-potentially-have -known-anyone's phone was tapped.....I know this personally. 
 The Berlin Wall (Berliner Mauer) had been torn down but that made no sense to me. A wall in the city and, so what.......? I couldn't fathom. Just couldn't. Except in some ways my experience was similar. Exiled to Siberia? Where was that?

People were simply dying, really being killed, i.e. as in cold blooded murder, by the minute, by the hour.............  Yeah, yeah, we live in a sick world. Human sacrifice? For what?  The levels of which are beyond what one can wrap one's brain around. Around this time, I returned to NYC. Because truth be told I was kind of obsessed with a guy. Also, really, I missed NYC and my life and friends, though Chicago is great and I loved my Dad and all but still......yet Chicago radio is light years superior to NY. All ironies really.
My friend once said to me (the same one I'd been obsessed with, this maybe due to no accident)  very emphatically: "YOU stood out." I don't try to. I really don't. I am a private person but I was sixteen and......so many times I ......it was a time when I felt like I was confronting Death in the face. I could have been Jennifer Moore. One occasion I got into an argument with my mother and walked out......ended up on the LES near what was a junkie squat damn scary. A guy was with me, fortunately.......because when this one approached us, a man with blood dripping from his nose......eyes glazed and boggled..... I mean straight out of a horror film you know......"You came here to shoot up?" No. Drugs had not agreed with me when I'd tried them and all they had to do was stab us with one of those needles (AIDS.....)  no need for any real assault......thinking of this stuff how did I survive? I really......I really.......well, who knows. 

It's all subjective the music better/worse what's great/what sucks you know everyone is different. These are merely my opinions. But I just feel in times of intense political oppression the music improves and gets more intense a teacher once said about the roaring 20s......consensus was we could all die any day so party it up. I mean.....? well.......

Vlogging@ whole foods

Vlogging@ whole foods 2: http://youtu.be/3fFRdtlIAlI

Vlogging at whole foods

Vlogging@ whole foods 2: http://youtu.be/3fFRdtlIAlI
Looks like someone beat me to it but I had a harrowing 48 hours like being in a torture device I went to wf to .....pull myself together.....I got emotional.....I had a horrid meltdown today screamed at these random people walking by and a girl who barged into me
These people were Indian oh God it was so oh God I'm horrible but I was so devastated over what happened and  so hurt and upset for my friends and so

Receipts and naked drawings

Stuff I found today near LGBT

Video I did while uptown

Strange noises: http://youtu.be/gnhgbnq76BE

About 7 months ago.....soon before leaving. Pretty decent tho.....

As I see it

So I write it. Take it however you will that's you not me.

Watched the Hot Chick

More alligators. Cute film.
No matter how much I like someone when I need space I need space. Just.......I don't know. Life can be so random. If only I could go to the future see the outcome then go back. Or I guess I can. Like a chess game. I'm not much for strategy. My legs hurt. I had crazy dreams last night.....I was home then went to a basement room or something it became the church basement......the Catholic one on 14th. Where that freaky bazaar was. An older woman in white came up to me and spit at me. I'd had one a couple days before where I'm swept up in a tornado. Then I'm supposed to meet a friend end up in queens trying to get back.....

Alligator head in MTF

Of all things.....I've seen those sporadically. I used to see them in this house I lived in in Ohio.....saw one @ Hunter a few months ago.....

Nice break

B vitamins.....whoever invented soda is a genius and I love them.....one can never have too many 2 liter Mountain Dews

Went through hell

I was nearly killed emotionally if not physically. A lot of work to untangle myself.
When all is said and done I stayed strong. How did I?
Now watching Meet the Fockers think I've earned two hours of this. This guy I dated a while back, Vital who at least I can say took me to raves and out to dinner, nice) spaced out in an Indian restaurant as the bright lights were too intense.....told me, "Laura you're the flakiest person I know." Then paused and said, "Laura you're a fruit loop."
This girl Liz, one of Ted's "fuck friends" that he is famous for, that he "won't hesitate to use if you're unavailable" (and he didn't) tried to dissuade this guy Manny from seeing me by telling I'm crazy (he continued to see me.....)

Punk rock around the world

Was looking for European bands then did a cross search in Latin America and discovered this band from Colombia......totally hooked on this one.

AterciopeladosAterciopelados - Luz Azul: http://youtu.be/lpdTjrqy9Ww

Flea market @14th

Right next to the Catholic church.....really funky stuff. Got these a esome sunglasses and a bunch of dvds including Walk the Line so just now reading about Johnny Cash.....real fascinating stuff. My uncle is a big fan of him. The song Thriller came on while I was looking at a cd of Whitney Houston....."and tho you fight to stay alive/your body starts to shiver/for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller" then that laugh.......all this looking at her photo pretty chilling you know considering what happened......in the east village now it's a dark moon but a gothic eerie calm.....wind starting as will rain soon.....I have been insatiably hungry all day. Will you still love me when I'm a fat girl.....after hard training plus work plus undereating guess my body is asking for a break.....took some cool photos.....the ghosts are out tonight .....it's not scary but more bizarre and lulling hypnotic

Thirty minutes of torture

But did done. Got into three fights. Boom bam pow! Isn't that a Hall and Oates album? Stand your ground, like they say in Florida. Don't take any (slaps fist to palm).....

dreams of planes

I'm standing not sitting, this a recurring one. The plane is landing (astral projection, I must have stepped outside my own body they say that happens during times of trauma ) then it lands. It's summer, but out of the blue it's snowing. One guy, he looked like one I went on .....who was on a trip to London on that study abroad .....said, I told you before it was snowing why didn't you see it? Maybe this is after watching a documentary on 9/11 and dust everywhere.....it was literally pulverized into sand.....a plane alone did that? But some other time for that one.
Before I left for London I had had my belly pierced this guy.....who did it.....I got some kind of rush from the pin going in must have been shock.....only later I felt the pain.....couldn't shower without feeling it later I needed dry air couldn't be around cigarette smoke. I moved out of the dorm. It was chaos. Had to take a taxi to Newark.....my boyfriend at the time helped me. I really acted horribly at times. Believe me, I felt guilt then and still do. By a hair scrape as usual I got out of a mess. Jeez, how do I do it? I don't go looking for these situations. In my dream before leaving.....still in my room at the time, after getting the piercing I fell asleep and suddenly was in a museum, the Natural History. Dead, encased butterflies. I suddenly was out of my body and flying through this place that was full of artifacts but no human beings, nothing alive period. Then I fell down to the floor. I was on the steps. I woke up and looked up. The soul leaves the body but to where? I dream constantly of being in a plane, a hot air balloon, flying above the city......


http://canankk.deviantart.com/art/Flying-In-Dreams-203696349

from this site http://www.pinterest.com/dreamscloud1/flying-dreams/

Madness - One Step Beyond my name turned up again......

look to the left.......ca. 1980 something. Angleterre. British lad hotties.......

"in the waters off beautiful Nauset

I used to pray to recover you, ach, du......"

Sylvia Plath 

“She raised her chin and her pale, black-fringed eyes sparkled in the moonlight. Ellen had never told her that desire and attainment were two different matters; life had not taught her that the race was not to the swift. She lay in the silvery shadows with courage rising and made the plans that a sixteen-year-old makes when life has been so pleasant that defeat is an impossibility and a pretty dress and a clear complexion are weapons to vanquish fate.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind, Part 1 of 2

"semper crescis
aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurat
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem,
potestatem
dissolvit ut glaciem.

O Fortune,
like the moon
you are changeable,
ever waxing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as the sharp mind takes it;
poverty
and power
it melts them like ice."


Carmina Burana


"Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
A snapshot in a family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?"

Pink Floyd

“She couldn't survey the wreck of the world with an air of casual unconcern.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

Summer in Hamptons which I missed but when I was about fourteen......

There was a book in the house about the "real world" of ballet, this before the show "Breaking Pointe" which I love personally. One knows the drill: anorexia, drugs, pain, more pain, hard work and neck to neck competition. Not to mention at times physical and emotional abuse. I could never make myself barf just couldn't.....the other stuff......ugh. I was slightly chubby but loved dance.....so I read in this book that Baryshnikov approached a young woman dancer of his once saying he saw fat on her thighs, some such thing. She, as she told this writer, said maybe it was the birth control pills she'd been taking. According to her, he then walked away, turned around and said, "Why don't you try taking cold showers instead." He wasn't kidding, she told the writer. Oh.....at the time I didn't understand. I think I'd asked my mother, are cold showers a form of birth control? How do they prevent pregnancy? Similar to watching Gone with the Wind, when Scarlett told Rhett she didn't want more kids.....I'd always assumed that birth control was always available. Somehow didn't put two and two together til recently, or understood why this was such a colossal issue.....in the book he says "You may keep your chastity" in the film it was switched to "sanctity......"

so.....more on.....

what I wrote before about these experiences.....strange how they fade into the background til you suddenly remember then write them down. I saw a British film last night where the actor talks about twists and random turns of fate and that's the only explanation.....well one possible one of why I didn't end up sitting where someone like Amanda Knox or these other people you read about are. Because I'm me and they're them? Well, obviously. One psychic said simply life may have other plans.....but how by a slip of the fingers I got away from that. But I'm not there I'm here and can as yet still walk and talk and breathe and I"m not standing trial but writing eating working dancing, trying to.....Halloween! Love it. Sadly, that's.....well.....other stuff. Ee. I thought I had to put photos of me cleaned up and in an innocent or safe place but I say no, show it how it is. As it is not everyone is friendly to me. Maybe some want me to STFU. Wouldn't surprise me. But this is my story and this is what is happening, what did.....what will?