have been going through a lot. I've been taking bikram yoga classes which are exhausting but changing everything, slowly, for me. Relationships are in me, also. All is. There's been a great deal out there that is .....well......
I'm changing my inner/outer attitude. It's nothing new.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
new words....
take my heart
it's yours
the world
take all my love
don't lose
don't lie
this gift of mine
it's yours
it's the world's
it's yours
take this of mine
let it be forever
it's yours
all yours
it's yours
the world
take all my love
don't lose
don't lie
this gift of mine
it's yours
it's the world's
it's yours
take this of mine
let it be forever
it's yours
all yours
essex st, cont'd
so I know a lot of people have been waiting for the next in this sequence:
so.....where did I leave off?
I'm out the door. The street. Freedom. I didn't die. I'm out in the world. In safety. I had watched relentlessly the documentary on Joel Rifkin and ......you just never know. You take every precaution, and absolutely this job is not for the reckless, self destructive or anyone carrying religious or sexual hang ups from childhood. But no matter how smart or careful you are there's always a chance of anything, life carries no guarantees. But you have to take risks once in a while.
I'm a little disoriented.....so......where do I go? There's a bar next door. Why do I choose to go right there where I can be found.....and not just get the fuck out of there? Well, what can he do anyhow?
I think I'm in this place, a nice enough one, clean and airy. I step out, for some reason, and this guy's building is right next door. I look up at the window, why not sure. Look down. Down again. There are two used condoms .......different colors?on the ground. I jump back. It couldn't be.....did he throw those out the window? I had had vodka and OJ there which to his credit he was nice enough to give me. I had blow on me, an extravagance, you know, I shouldn't but I have my excuses.
So....this place has two floors. I head upstairs. Order a drink....wine? I have to have something. A guy approaches me, a frat type. He seems pretty decent, and we start a conversation. I wonder if I should.....but something in me doesn't or won't. We end up talking for half an hour or so......
he invites me to his place with some friends of his. We go downstairs......ugh....is this boring? Oh...so on and on......I'm getting back into life, my adrenaline back down. All is sort of normal, again. As this guy and I get downstairs, in the crowd, I see him, from upstairs. He came back. He's coming toward me. "I knew I'd find you here...." "Is this....someone you know or just some weirdo...." asks my friend. "He's um, I met him before...." I say.
So....now I'm feeling the effects of what I had. Somehow I have to get on the train and go back home.....this is the hazard of living in brooklyn, dealing with the L train and the G. It became a city by itself, in the winter, with hordes of people sitting there waiting, and the guitar player I would always see. I knew him from a play he'd been in.
TBC.....
freedom = mercy = freedom = mercy = freedom =
so.....where did I leave off?
I'm out the door. The street. Freedom. I didn't die. I'm out in the world. In safety. I had watched relentlessly the documentary on Joel Rifkin and ......you just never know. You take every precaution, and absolutely this job is not for the reckless, self destructive or anyone carrying religious or sexual hang ups from childhood. But no matter how smart or careful you are there's always a chance of anything, life carries no guarantees. But you have to take risks once in a while.
I'm a little disoriented.....so......where do I go? There's a bar next door. Why do I choose to go right there where I can be found.....and not just get the fuck out of there? Well, what can he do anyhow?
I think I'm in this place, a nice enough one, clean and airy. I step out, for some reason, and this guy's building is right next door. I look up at the window, why not sure. Look down. Down again. There are two used condoms .......different colors?on the ground. I jump back. It couldn't be.....did he throw those out the window? I had had vodka and OJ there which to his credit he was nice enough to give me. I had blow on me, an extravagance, you know, I shouldn't but I have my excuses.
So....this place has two floors. I head upstairs. Order a drink....wine? I have to have something. A guy approaches me, a frat type. He seems pretty decent, and we start a conversation. I wonder if I should.....but something in me doesn't or won't. We end up talking for half an hour or so......
he invites me to his place with some friends of his. We go downstairs......ugh....is this boring? Oh...so on and on......I'm getting back into life, my adrenaline back down. All is sort of normal, again. As this guy and I get downstairs, in the crowd, I see him, from upstairs. He came back. He's coming toward me. "I knew I'd find you here...." "Is this....someone you know or just some weirdo...." asks my friend. "He's um, I met him before...." I say.
So....now I'm feeling the effects of what I had. Somehow I have to get on the train and go back home.....this is the hazard of living in brooklyn, dealing with the L train and the G. It became a city by itself, in the winter, with hordes of people sitting there waiting, and the guitar player I would always see. I knew him from a play he'd been in.
TBC.....
freedom = mercy = freedom = mercy = freedom =
Monday, August 03, 2009
A dream last night. Me, ---- and a woman. She is in the shape of these Egyptian statues, sitting upright, her profile. We're by a lake, night time. There's a boat, she's sitting on it. He says, there's only room for two people, you can go across the river with her. I look over....she's dead. I wake up.
essex st, cont'd
we are in his apt....a decent enough place....what did he say he did? "That's me and Caroline Kennedy," he says pointing at a picture on the wall of her, many years ago, with a man who may have been him 35 years ago. Currently he....how can I be kind? I ....his face reminds me of a Picasso painting, split in half. "I used to screw her," he says. My mother met her, as well. I'm thinking how ironic it is, how few degrees of separation are between three or four people.
On and on. "I cum...I cum....uh....I gonna cum......" he must have drunk an entire bottle of vodka. "I gonna cum...." it's getting harder and harder to be civil.
Ok, this isn't nice......I finally jumped up, threw on my panties and clothes....I don't remember what I said....."Sorry but I have to go....." I'm thinking he could attack me too. There's the door, I'm thinking. Run.
And I do. I get to the door, open it, and get out. Step number one. Down the stairs. It must be....six flights? An endless spiral down, down, it doesn't end. I look up to see if he's behind me. No. I'm getting out, I think. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. The stairs go on forever, it seems.
Then there's the door. I run to the door, open it, and there's the street. Freedom. I was lucky with this one.
I go into a bar....what am I doing? I need a drink or something.
On and on. "I cum...I cum....uh....I gonna cum......" he must have drunk an entire bottle of vodka. "I gonna cum...." it's getting harder and harder to be civil.
Ok, this isn't nice......I finally jumped up, threw on my panties and clothes....I don't remember what I said....."Sorry but I have to go....." I'm thinking he could attack me too. There's the door, I'm thinking. Run.
And I do. I get to the door, open it, and get out. Step number one. Down the stairs. It must be....six flights? An endless spiral down, down, it doesn't end. I look up to see if he's behind me. No. I'm getting out, I think. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. The stairs go on forever, it seems.
Then there's the door. I run to the door, open it, and there's the street. Freedom. I was lucky with this one.
I go into a bar....what am I doing? I need a drink or something.
essex st continued
excuse that this is a rough draft.....
so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?
No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....
so.....digressing.
FICTION FICTION
I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.
I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.
ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.
so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?
No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....
so.....digressing.
FICTION FICTION
I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.
I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.
ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
what i want?
Someone asked me my "goals." Yes I do have them. I don't just float around la de da....
what i want
movie roles : work with Quentin Tarantino, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorcese, there is a multitude of great directors but .....
commercials
better paying gigs
better love life where we see eachother at least once or twice a week, are loyal no bs no third parties or head trips, are loving, honest, mutually giving
finish songs and have a demo, then recording contract
better dance technique
more dance performances around the city with backup dancers,
better singer, be a
travel to colombia (really all of Central and South America), *LA*, france, berlin, for starters
to drive, get a car
speak better French, German, Spanish
more money more money catch up on debts, totalling a few grand
finish tax stuff
health insurance......mail, letter, ect ect
better headshots
role in a shakespeare play
dance, acting classes
get rid of old emotional garbage (God knows i try)
better face cream
renew gym membership
be better read: Love in the Time of Cholera; Shakespeare....Othello, Twelfth Night; try to get through Being and Nothingness, Henry Miller
write? hmm.....script, memoir or beginnings of....
to find out what's going on, as something is. and what the hell is it?
THAT yeah, I know, have to get to the bottom of that....
what i want
movie roles : work with Quentin Tarantino, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorcese, there is a multitude of great directors but .....
commercials
better paying gigs
better love life where we see eachother at least once or twice a week, are loyal no bs no third parties or head trips, are loving, honest, mutually giving
finish songs and have a demo, then recording contract
better dance technique
more dance performances around the city with backup dancers,
better singer, be a
travel to colombia (really all of Central and South America), *LA*, france, berlin, for starters
to drive, get a car
speak better French, German, Spanish
more money more money catch up on debts, totalling a few grand
finish tax stuff
health insurance......mail, letter, ect ect
better headshots
role in a shakespeare play
dance, acting classes
get rid of old emotional garbage (God knows i try)
better face cream
renew gym membership
be better read: Love in the Time of Cholera; Shakespeare....Othello, Twelfth Night; try to get through Being and Nothingness, Henry Miller
write? hmm.....script, memoir or beginnings of....
to find out what's going on, as something is. and what the hell is it?
THAT yeah, I know, have to get to the bottom of that....
The top rune represents a force that works for you. Gebo means gift, and like any gifts, the rune may be understood on many levels. Gifts are generally positive things, for both the giver and the recipient. In many cultures however, gifts and favors carry with them an obligation to respond in kind. It is for this reason that gifts, and hence the rune Gebo, are frequently symbolic of friendships, marriages, alliances, mergers, and other bonds between people or organizations. Gebo is a strong rune and the unions represented are strong as well. Moreover, Gebo is not reversible, as true friendships are not easily undone.
Monday, July 20, 2009
fiction.....essex st or ludlow?
late late.....please. I pray. In the bathroom stall at one of these bars.....outside in the bar stools....some frat boys, couples. not me. I need to make money. I pray. This must work. I know this works. I need money. Let me meet someone. I can't go into all of this.....
I go out, I'm in a skimpy little exercise outfit, and yes I see the looks in their eyes. I'm a whore to them. To them. They don't know me. They'll never know me. And that is sad.
no....no I don't pick up guys on the street. I know nothing about that. God knows i'm not a streetwalker. But should I be? I'm doing something wrong. There must be......there must be..... What am I doing wrong? I'm still pretty. I'm great. Where's the money? If I do descend .......if I did....I'd be lying by a pool somewhere in Switzerland.....waited on hand and foot. Or if I'd stayed there, the same. I'd have a guy who's young, cute AND rich. Who worships my baby pinkie. I should tell ---- that. This is what I gave up....well I didn't entirely. But I'm not there, I'm here. Somewhere I made that choice. I'd live well otherwise....and die of boredom. So I choose to stay on the LES poor. But I don't have to be. Right? Did I make the right choice?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What can I be more than sorry?
But thank you also. To whoever, whatever . Thank you. That I'm still here, that the girl next to me stopped cracking her knuckles, that.....
Most people don't know me. But I'll let you in on a piece of myself, that I never have before. I've learned to forgive. And I mean a lot. Or maybe there's nothing to be vexed about the way I had thought. Really I've been blessed. In so many ways. It just never felt that way. What you send out to the world is what comes back. I didn't think that way before but now I do. So, cheesy as it may sound, I try to send good out to the world. I never intended to do otherwise, but I did. Have I done stupid things? A multitude. But when things were great I didn't know they were. So now I should.
So if I'm a whore to them, then...... hell, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Really, they're jealous, of my, of others' sexual power. So let me use that as well.
I go out, I'm in a skimpy little exercise outfit, and yes I see the looks in their eyes. I'm a whore to them. To them. They don't know me. They'll never know me. And that is sad.
no....no I don't pick up guys on the street. I know nothing about that. God knows i'm not a streetwalker. But should I be? I'm doing something wrong. There must be......there must be..... What am I doing wrong? I'm still pretty. I'm great. Where's the money? If I do descend .......if I did....I'd be lying by a pool somewhere in Switzerland.....waited on hand and foot. Or if I'd stayed there, the same. I'd have a guy who's young, cute AND rich. Who worships my baby pinkie. I should tell ---- that. This is what I gave up....well I didn't entirely. But I'm not there, I'm here. Somewhere I made that choice. I'd live well otherwise....and die of boredom. So I choose to stay on the LES poor. But I don't have to be. Right? Did I make the right choice?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What can I be more than sorry?
But thank you also. To whoever, whatever . Thank you. That I'm still here, that the girl next to me stopped cracking her knuckles, that.....
Most people don't know me. But I'll let you in on a piece of myself, that I never have before. I've learned to forgive. And I mean a lot. Or maybe there's nothing to be vexed about the way I had thought. Really I've been blessed. In so many ways. It just never felt that way. What you send out to the world is what comes back. I didn't think that way before but now I do. So, cheesy as it may sound, I try to send good out to the world. I never intended to do otherwise, but I did. Have I done stupid things? A multitude. But when things were great I didn't know they were. So now I should.
So if I'm a whore to them, then...... hell, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Really, they're jealous, of my, of others' sexual power. So let me use that as well.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand.
The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.
Monday, July 06, 2009
ha! they know what they're talking about
I quote from Magi Astrology:
[URANUS OPPOSITION YOUR CHIRON]
Activation: ROM/R= -120. SEX/R= +50. CMPT/R= -150. INFIDELITY CLASH. This clash can be a problem if you are contemplating a serious relationship with this person. When a couple has this Clash, the chances of infidelity are increased because of the adventurous and independent nature of Uranus. You should also beware of having even just an affair with this person. If you are married or committed, but are looking for a fling, this person is not the one. This Clash often gives this person both the ability and the desire to bring turmoil into whatever other relationship you already have.
It's vice versa two with us....both ways
[URANUS OPPOSITION YOUR CHIRON]
Activation: ROM/R= -120. SEX/R= +50. CMPT/R= -150. INFIDELITY CLASH. This clash can be a problem if you are contemplating a serious relationship with this person. When a couple has this Clash, the chances of infidelity are increased because of the adventurous and independent nature of Uranus. You should also beware of having even just an affair with this person. If you are married or committed, but are looking for a fling, this person is not the one. This Clash often gives this person both the ability and the desire to bring turmoil into whatever other relationship you already have.
It's vice versa two with us....both ways
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Fort Greene in the news....
This neighborhood doesn't get its due, but now the Times wrote up the Farmer Deli....
I'm telling you this is no exaggeration.....
I'm telling you this is no exaggeration.....
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
so.....open mic in bushwick and sexual harassment
this neighborhood is......less than fabulous, to be honest. but this open mic at the bookstore something is amazing! this is absolutement for me. I can feel better about my singing/songwriting cause there are others here at my level. I will write more on this when I have time to meditate but I am so happy to have found my element in this scene. I am love. An art star? I don't label myself. I am just me. But this is my crowd. Kind of frightening....to have that shown to you!
So this was supposed to be songs based on a book you read. Naturally I modeled my song after Sylvia Plath's Ariel book. But I wrote this before I'd heard of this event. Foreshadowing? Sylvia Plath is awesome and I'm not even into poetry. I would have fucked her and I'm not even into women.....that's how fabulous she is!!!!
So this was supposed to be songs based on a book you read. Naturally I modeled my song after Sylvia Plath's Ariel book. But I wrote this before I'd heard of this event. Foreshadowing? Sylvia Plath is awesome and I'm not even into poetry. I would have fucked her and I'm not even into women.....that's how fabulous she is!!!!
the
rival
there's you there's me
we could be both
from the same mirror
there's nothing to fear
you are the one I have to face
I can't be erased no no
was I too late
was it my fate
does the moon pull me
am I like jello, like the sea
can I be set free
do I want to be
I'm the other
the thing on the side
when will it be mine
will I live, will I still live
the sea pulls me
the moon owns me
I am in the mirror
far away there's
no one to fear
did they trick me
can I be set free
do I want to be
everything is split in half
this cracked egg is all I have
when there's no one around
you make a display
can anyone see it?
the moon is pulling me
it never really owned me
you made me your enemy once
if that's the way you want to go
could this be what you know
where are they
who are they with
I shouldn't worry
I'm in no hurry me or them
me or them
there's you there's me
we could be both
from the same mirror
there's nothing to fear
you are the one I have to face
I can't be erased no no
was I too late
was it my fate
does the moon pull me
am I like jello, like the sea
can I be set free
do I want to be
I'm the other
the thing on the side
when will it be mine
will I live, will I still live
the sea pulls me
the moon owns me
I am in the mirror
far away there's
no one to fear
did they trick me
can I be set free
do I want to be
everything is split in half
this cracked egg is all I have
when there's no one around
you make a display
can anyone see it?
the moon is pulling me
it never really owned me
you made me your enemy once
if that's the way you want to go
could this be what you know
where are they
who are they with
I shouldn't worry
I'm in no hurry me or them
me or them
Saturday, May 30, 2009
spying?
just when i think i'm alone
there you are
i'm far from home
you think you can escape
think again
maybe you're my friend
maybe i'm beautiful
will there be an end?
will there be an end?
i know you're going away
ready to play
can you be free
is there no escape?
there you are
i'm far from home
you think you can escape
think again
maybe you're my friend
maybe i'm beautiful
will there be an end?
will there be an end?
i know you're going away
ready to play
can you be free
is there no escape?
difficult bitch
i'm a difficult bitch
don't get in my way
i'm a lying witch
so don't get in my way
i've had a bad day
i had to try
to get it back
had to try
had to try
i'm a crazy bitch that's what they say
yeah that's what they say
then i get lazy
then they want to play
then i get lazy
i'm a crazy bitch
a crazy bitch
then i get them
then i don't want them
if i get him
will i still want him
i'm in the mood
so don't fuck with me
just let me be
can't you see i'm feeling crazy lazy.....
don't get in my way
i'm a lying witch
so don't get in my way
i've had a bad day
i had to try
to get it back
had to try
had to try
i'm a crazy bitch that's what they say
yeah that's what they say
then i get lazy
then they want to play
then i get lazy
i'm a crazy bitch
a crazy bitch
then i get them
then i don't want them
if i get him
will i still want him
i'm in the mood
so don't fuck with me
just let me be
can't you see i'm feeling crazy lazy.....
Thursday, May 21, 2009
the past week?
oh.....extreme ups and downs. Pretty accurately what was predicted. Where do I even begin? Why did all this happen? I wish I knew.
I somehow ended up doing a photo shoot with these guys I had met on the street.....I know what you're thinking. I don't do this normally. But ....we bonded. There had been girls there as well. Somehow I ended up dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Semi dressed. Really would like to find those pix.
I somehow ended up doing a photo shoot with these guys I had met on the street.....I know what you're thinking. I don't do this normally. But ....we bonded. There had been girls there as well. Somehow I ended up dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Semi dressed. Really would like to find those pix.
can be
this way
going going back that way
here to stay
in every way
la la la
you know it would be
you know if would be
what is my wish
what is my wish
going going back that way
here to stay
in every way
la la la
you know it would be
you know if would be
what is my wish
what is my wish
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
oooooh
so much is going on things are crazy stressful and.....
I want to write more but have been up 36 hours but am wired now I just want to unwind and not think about anything!
I went to a Bhuddist temple for the first time yesterday. It is beautiful...not that different from a church. Except they use the oranges and do the bowing thing with the incense....awesome. My fortune was good. I need it. I deserve it. And I must sleepy sleepy, for now.
I want to write more but have been up 36 hours but am wired now I just want to unwind and not think about anything!
I went to a Bhuddist temple for the first time yesterday. It is beautiful...not that different from a church. Except they use the oranges and do the bowing thing with the incense....awesome. My fortune was good. I need it. I deserve it. And I must sleepy sleepy, for now.
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