watched pot never boils so I'm not watching the pot

do i need to increase my electrolytes i think that's what i need to do
my vibrator broke this is a terrible catastrophe i shit you not as is my sex life or lack of one .............last "date" a disaster.....I mean from hell the crypt and beyond..................this guy was obsessed with fat women....I don't know why he wanted me..................I mean, I don't think I'm fat. Then these women's men were......ugh. I just couldn't. I tried to keep my mouth shut cause.......then it was too cold in the room and I was getting sick and I lost it then........

so my lack of fulfilling sex has me extremely edgy now....that plus well on the up side it's a waxing moon time for creativity and money money coming down....that's the benefit so why complain? Not the first time money and sex were tied together, no pun intended......

you hear that people get crazy on a full moon. Well, it happens on a new one as well, and it was crazy loony in manhattan this weekend. There were cops on horses in riot gear as crowds spilled out of the clubs in Chelsea, and as I was walking to the train from work these people closing up a restaurant said to me, "I'd be careful going over there....." thus why they were ending early. Kind of brought me back to the RNC protest days, or recently when I lived in Bed Stuy....but it's not supposed to happen in Manhattan, where we're supposed to be safe.

But I wasn't, last night. I wore a sundress and these guys on a garbage truck were yelling at me.....I just don't want to repeat it. Then I had other men try to come after me. I got to sleep at 4:30 am only to be woken at 8am.

performance what a headache

so now I'm focused on putting new material and projects together.....I'm trying to get permission to perform something from a book; it's an exhausting run around.

once again it's been forever......

I went on something of a hiatus but I'm back now. I was sick for 36 hours but better now--so many changes are happening in my life and I slept a full 8 hours last night for the first time in about 5 years! And I ran into an old friend.....funny--I saw his name carved into the sidewalk the day before and that could be seen as a message.....

as for now I'm writing more songs--carrying my notebook everywhere with me--

and looking for a place on the ues as well---anyone know of one?

And I'm having amazing sex.....(covers mouth....oops)....

I love this

"According to old French and German beliefs, only a girl who is “pure” can blow back into life a candle that is sputtering and dying."

I recently increased the fire in a waning candle someone else had lit. Hmm

new lyrics (title.... royal one/could be)

everything I do I do for you
you know you know you know
i do it for you
everything (or could be) I'd do I would you know I

you know i could you know i could

would you know
everything
for you
i would be blue i would be
I it you know I do it you know I do it you know

you're hot you're hot you're hot you're hot you're hot
wet wet wet wet wet
the bed is blue
i would you know I would
the bed the bed the bed is blue wet and blue

you know i am a royal one

everything i do i do for you

i would you know i would you know
could be
could be me you know could be me you know
for you

everything you know
i do it for you
is it me am i wearing a mask
could be
everything you know

got down there
gotta head down there

it's only me
you know it's only me
for you
see me only see me
would you know
for you

the truth is all around you
it's underneath you
only me i'm swimming only me i'm swimming

i'm drowning swimming

Been forever!

I've been silent but not absent. So much has been happening.....I'm moving for the billionth time, to the upper east side (cross fingers!). I've been subletting, and the recession has helped with rents but it's still hard. People assume you have scads of money falling down on you from the sky! I do, but I'm still not parting with it THAT easily. I'm not a big spender, in general.

As for lately, there's been good and bad--things and people. I won't go into that now. You live and learn. I'm moving on.

It's easy to get confused, and I'm trying to be less. Also, I'm writing songs again, and auditioning--and running through Central Park every day, why I want to move to this area. Before, I was taking the train from Brooklyn every day and it was getting really tiresome--even though train rides were a nice time to myself (that's where I get a good deal of reading done) it also took over my days--being 3 or 4 pm by the time I was finished and home. Not practical.

so this is the missing link in my life.....

This must have been written on my birthday for a reason... I have always been an insomniac.

Melatonin and blood

Winter, get used to it

This is only the beginning. Maybe it's the fact that Monday this week was Blue Monday, or other things in my life, but everything is so dark, bleak and empty. It feels like there's no one around, even though this is the city and people are everywhere. A part of me wants to be away from people because at times I can't take them, anyone, but another part of me wants not to be alone.....but I go one way then another. At times, I wish I were alone in the woods, like when I run early in the day. I wish it were just trees, squirrels, fresh air and me. But I'm not far off. I have Fort Greene Park, Central Park, and this neighborhood is really beautiful in the snow. Christmas is over, yet it is still here because people keep their lights up, and the coffee shop across the street keeps theirs. It reminds me of where I come from, the Midwest, where it always snows on xmas without fail and it's an unquestioned ritual....the whole family get together thing. Cheesy maybe to some, but it really was good to see everyone and a positive experience....at one point my mother got mad at my sister and me because we wanted to go to Midnight Mass (actually, I was dragged there) and was screaming NO respectable woman is out at this time of year at night...there's no one out there but thugs! But we went and it was worth it--to the church downtown near Trinity. And I don't see my family enough. That's how I come to appreciate these small good things. They sustain me.
Don't get me wrong--it's not like I live my life like a hermit with no friends or that I'm always anti social. I have some great people around me. I'm social--sometimes. But there is not enough privacy. Maybe I should take up this guy's offer to visit his place in New Hampshire. I mean it's winter, might as well go the whole nine yards. I don't like the cold but it's a fact of life, you know? Might as well get used to it. I remember I met this girl from Siberia once who said the coldest day in NYC is the warmest day there--my friend said yeah they go out in shorts.

And yes, it's cold. I have cats who I let in the back yard--but I'm still on the third floor and the entrance to the back is blocked off by the jerks who run this place, so I have to go around to this basketball court to feed them and I try to bring them inside--like today I came home in a panic because it was freezing and dark and I might as well have been on the moon--at 3:30 AM--yes, my hours are crazy--but out they came, running toward me for food--and I went out later to get them in but they didn't want to come in. My one cat rolls around in the snow. Their coats are super thick. I have non stop anxiety about them--but I am reassured when people tell me cats are hardy and fur is ultra warm. It's amazing how they survive--I've seen the feral cats around here walking around in blizzards--really cute--they stepped through the snow very gracefully, like ballet dancers. They're nocturnal. Good. Because it's so bleak now. I prefer summer but I'm making myself sustain this.

so long

So much has been happening and really all I do is work....argh! But just an overview: I went to Chicago for the first time in ages and really loved it.....but my trip was cut short. Problems with the cats and illness. Next time, I may go farther and not return. What is there here, really? I need a change; among other things, a new apartment.

Yay President Obama!

I've actually been crying I've been so moved. Are all our problems solved? No. However, it's a start. On the radio show Joy of Resistance, Fran announced it would be their last under the current Bush Administration, and played that song "Hit the Road Jack." I can't get that out of my head. Jack or Jane or Palin, anyone who opposes women's and abortion/civil/animal rights bye bye....

considering also what I personally went through for the past eight years (who felt the boom, the economic boom?) and the personal is political......and my planets are better.....

in the streets in my neighborhood people are cheering, smiling, at me, at each other, there is a real peace and happiness in the air....like this terrible dark cloud has been lifted.

You know, I don't hold personal grudges against people on different political spectra from me. There are those I love and care for whom I disagree with on issues....

Yes it's a start. Times are tough, though to me nothing compared with 3 years ago, 2005. That was a horrid year. Somehow I got through it, we did. On to the future! To making the right choices! To marrying the right person! Now I'm going out to get blasted, and feed the cats....

W

while we're on the subject, I want to say I saw the film "W" by Oliver Stone and it is really fabulous, in my opinion. It's fascinating to me and very well acted. Worth seeing. I want to see it again.

for barack obama

The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Temperance: Calm and restraint. Self-control, patience and tact in handling situations. The act of applying balanced spiritual and psychic forces to physical life.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Six of Swords (Science): Trusting in intelligence and intuition and setting off into the unknown. Leaving an untenable situation and charting a new course. Passage from difficulty and progress towards a solution. The road to recovery. Travel and exploration.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Two of Swords (Peace): Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others.

tarot card predictions

For John Mccain: The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Three of Pentacles (Works), when reversed: Delays in the commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. Holding back or failing to use one's abilities to their full potential. Shoddy workmanship and lack of attention to detail. Being hamstrung by convention, or failing to temper artistic fancy with an understanding of reality.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Two of Cups (Love), when reversed: Instability in romance, friendship, or business. A deep infatuation that excludes existing friends. A false promise or premature commitment. The entanglement of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The profaning of the sacred through the introduction of base desire. Folly, depletion, and waste. May suggest conflict, divorce, or a severing of ties.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Wheel of Fortune, when reversed: An unexpected turn of bad luck. A broken sequence of events. Outside influences for the worse. An inescapable descent due to Fate or Karma. Great changes taking place as a result of earlier actions that cannot be taken back. Misfortune, failure and reluctance to use free will.

different kinds of women's lib?

Being pressed for time, I will summarize this. I read something in the Wall Street Journal, a more or less conservative paper which nonetheless is my favorite, now. Anyway, this woman wrote an editorial, letter to the editor, saying something to the effect of, I chose to stay at home and care for my children and why should my taxes go to pay for yours (as in public day care). This really....I'll stay calm here. All I can say is, to this woman, just because you personally chose to stay home why should all the rest of us be deprived of our basic needs? I've had to care for pets with virtually no help, unable to take care of a child, which is why I didn't have any, partly due to there being no or virtually no practical system around me that would help me care for one. I grew up with baby sitters and day care and I'm great, you know? Also, most of us have to make income, somehow. We can't stay home even if we want to. Not all the time. With half the population or whatever the percentage is out in the work force, it makes sense that it's not practical to expect women to stay home full time with children or that there will be anyone there to do that. Where will all these children we're being forced to have go, and who will take care of them? I read somewhere that the US is the only industrialized country in the world without a national day care system. Think about that. With that knowledge, why aren't people storming through the streets demanding it? Why aren't people outraged? Instead, it's taken this strange reverse route. The outrage is turned the other way, at these feminazis who are......pushing women into careers and stripping them of their natural caring tendencies, which is leading to children growing up neglected, abused, delinquent....the fear is projected somewhere else.
Well, let's see, there seems to be something wrong with this picture....I can't be the only one who thinks so. The argument of the other side, as inaccurate and generalized, to be polite, as it is, has been effective. That working women would not support something like national day care and make it a number one priority is absurd to me, but this is the environment I grew up in. Not my mother, but these other women around me.

I feel a little dejected that there haven't been any radical cheerleading events happening around this crucial election.....strange, but it's my fault too. I suppose we've all been busy with other things. Not a good excuse. Because I am nervous tonight. I keep saying, brace yourself for the worst. That way you're prepared.

try to forget

tell myself, forget it, forget him. But the car in front of the door has his initials on it.....everywhere you see the numbers, his name. Why? Why? I ask a car. I ask the numbers in front of me. I ask the image of him. What do you want?

No answer, never.

Forget it and get on with your life. But how can I when it doesn't belong to me?

Always his name, his picture, never him. Never any answers.

another awesome link

Sarah Palin, Open Letter

oh......

I have to do something. These people (McCain, Palin) simply cannot win:

Joy of Resistance

I'm disgusted.

third person?

every year of my life
I end up back here
it's the same story every time
I fall for someone who is with someone
then disappears with her
or him
I somehow drive them away
or it's the other way around, I
also run away from them
why is that?

wish I was there, or do I?

you have no clue or do you?
I was your slave
I came that close
couldn't be left this way


leave it behind I tried, I
could if I tried


sometimes I think I'd do anything
over and over been pricked
my blood is sweet, sticky
sharp, then dull
it never leaves

bad me I
gave way to the urge
I could feel it all over me
wild lust
down to this
always down to this

I'd do anything
sometimes I think that
you have no clue
or do you

I'm running, flying sometimes
I'd do anything
throw off my clothes
jump into the river
sometimes I think that

sometimes I'd do anything
I have to forget
I have to forget

have to forget
if only I could
I have to not see it, somehow
yes, I would jump in the river
sometimes
I fell, I'm looking up
what can you hold onto?
what are you attached to?

hot pink burlesque

I got invited at the last minute to dance at this event on the lower east side. All good, great, fab, a lot of work, I'm sore as hell now.....but awesome! Below some pix....