so this is the missing link in my life.....

This must have been written on my birthday for a reason... I have always been an insomniac.

Melatonin and blood

Winter, get used to it

This is only the beginning. Maybe it's the fact that Monday this week was Blue Monday, or other things in my life, but everything is so dark, bleak and empty. It feels like there's no one around, even though this is the city and people are everywhere. A part of me wants to be away from people because at times I can't take them, anyone, but another part of me wants not to be alone.....but I go one way then another. At times, I wish I were alone in the woods, like when I run early in the day. I wish it were just trees, squirrels, fresh air and me. But I'm not far off. I have Fort Greene Park, Central Park, and this neighborhood is really beautiful in the snow. Christmas is over, yet it is still here because people keep their lights up, and the coffee shop across the street keeps theirs. It reminds me of where I come from, the Midwest, where it always snows on xmas without fail and it's an unquestioned ritual....the whole family get together thing. Cheesy maybe to some, but it really was good to see everyone and a positive experience....at one point my mother got mad at my sister and me because we wanted to go to Midnight Mass (actually, I was dragged there) and was screaming NO respectable woman is out at this time of year at night...there's no one out there but thugs! But we went and it was worth it--to the church downtown near Trinity. And I don't see my family enough. That's how I come to appreciate these small good things. They sustain me.
Don't get me wrong--it's not like I live my life like a hermit with no friends or that I'm always anti social. I have some great people around me. I'm social--sometimes. But there is not enough privacy. Maybe I should take up this guy's offer to visit his place in New Hampshire. I mean it's winter, might as well go the whole nine yards. I don't like the cold but it's a fact of life, you know? Might as well get used to it. I remember I met this girl from Siberia once who said the coldest day in NYC is the warmest day there--my friend said yeah they go out in shorts.

And yes, it's cold. I have cats who I let in the back yard--but I'm still on the third floor and the entrance to the back is blocked off by the jerks who run this place, so I have to go around to this basketball court to feed them and I try to bring them inside--like today I came home in a panic because it was freezing and dark and I might as well have been on the moon--at 3:30 AM--yes, my hours are crazy--but out they came, running toward me for food--and I went out later to get them in but they didn't want to come in. My one cat rolls around in the snow. Their coats are super thick. I have non stop anxiety about them--but I am reassured when people tell me cats are hardy and fur is ultra warm. It's amazing how they survive--I've seen the feral cats around here walking around in blizzards--really cute--they stepped through the snow very gracefully, like ballet dancers. They're nocturnal. Good. Because it's so bleak now. I prefer summer but I'm making myself sustain this.

so long

So much has been happening and really all I do is work....argh! But just an overview: I went to Chicago for the first time in ages and really loved it.....but my trip was cut short. Problems with the cats and illness. Next time, I may go farther and not return. What is there here, really? I need a change; among other things, a new apartment.

Yay President Obama!

I've actually been crying I've been so moved. Are all our problems solved? No. However, it's a start. On the radio show Joy of Resistance, Fran announced it would be their last under the current Bush Administration, and played that song "Hit the Road Jack." I can't get that out of my head. Jack or Jane or Palin, anyone who opposes women's and abortion/civil/animal rights bye bye....

considering also what I personally went through for the past eight years (who felt the boom, the economic boom?) and the personal is political......and my planets are better.....

in the streets in my neighborhood people are cheering, smiling, at me, at each other, there is a real peace and happiness in the air....like this terrible dark cloud has been lifted.

You know, I don't hold personal grudges against people on different political spectra from me. There are those I love and care for whom I disagree with on issues....

Yes it's a start. Times are tough, though to me nothing compared with 3 years ago, 2005. That was a horrid year. Somehow I got through it, we did. On to the future! To making the right choices! To marrying the right person! Now I'm going out to get blasted, and feed the cats....

W

while we're on the subject, I want to say I saw the film "W" by Oliver Stone and it is really fabulous, in my opinion. It's fascinating to me and very well acted. Worth seeing. I want to see it again.

for barack obama

The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Temperance: Calm and restraint. Self-control, patience and tact in handling situations. The act of applying balanced spiritual and psychic forces to physical life.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Six of Swords (Science): Trusting in intelligence and intuition and setting off into the unknown. Leaving an untenable situation and charting a new course. Passage from difficulty and progress towards a solution. The road to recovery. Travel and exploration.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Two of Swords (Peace): Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others.

tarot card predictions

For John Mccain: The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Three of Pentacles (Works), when reversed: Delays in the commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. Holding back or failing to use one's abilities to their full potential. Shoddy workmanship and lack of attention to detail. Being hamstrung by convention, or failing to temper artistic fancy with an understanding of reality.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Two of Cups (Love), when reversed: Instability in romance, friendship, or business. A deep infatuation that excludes existing friends. A false promise or premature commitment. The entanglement of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The profaning of the sacred through the introduction of base desire. Folly, depletion, and waste. May suggest conflict, divorce, or a severing of ties.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Wheel of Fortune, when reversed: An unexpected turn of bad luck. A broken sequence of events. Outside influences for the worse. An inescapable descent due to Fate or Karma. Great changes taking place as a result of earlier actions that cannot be taken back. Misfortune, failure and reluctance to use free will.

different kinds of women's lib?

Being pressed for time, I will summarize this. I read something in the Wall Street Journal, a more or less conservative paper which nonetheless is my favorite, now. Anyway, this woman wrote an editorial, letter to the editor, saying something to the effect of, I chose to stay at home and care for my children and why should my taxes go to pay for yours (as in public day care). This really....I'll stay calm here. All I can say is, to this woman, just because you personally chose to stay home why should all the rest of us be deprived of our basic needs? I've had to care for pets with virtually no help, unable to take care of a child, which is why I didn't have any, partly due to there being no or virtually no practical system around me that would help me care for one. I grew up with baby sitters and day care and I'm great, you know? Also, most of us have to make income, somehow. We can't stay home even if we want to. Not all the time. With half the population or whatever the percentage is out in the work force, it makes sense that it's not practical to expect women to stay home full time with children or that there will be anyone there to do that. Where will all these children we're being forced to have go, and who will take care of them? I read somewhere that the US is the only industrialized country in the world without a national day care system. Think about that. With that knowledge, why aren't people storming through the streets demanding it? Why aren't people outraged? Instead, it's taken this strange reverse route. The outrage is turned the other way, at these feminazis who are......pushing women into careers and stripping them of their natural caring tendencies, which is leading to children growing up neglected, abused, delinquent....the fear is projected somewhere else.
Well, let's see, there seems to be something wrong with this picture....I can't be the only one who thinks so. The argument of the other side, as inaccurate and generalized, to be polite, as it is, has been effective. That working women would not support something like national day care and make it a number one priority is absurd to me, but this is the environment I grew up in. Not my mother, but these other women around me.

I feel a little dejected that there haven't been any radical cheerleading events happening around this crucial election.....strange, but it's my fault too. I suppose we've all been busy with other things. Not a good excuse. Because I am nervous tonight. I keep saying, brace yourself for the worst. That way you're prepared.

try to forget

tell myself, forget it, forget him. But the car in front of the door has his initials on it.....everywhere you see the numbers, his name. Why? Why? I ask a car. I ask the numbers in front of me. I ask the image of him. What do you want?

No answer, never.

Forget it and get on with your life. But how can I when it doesn't belong to me?

Always his name, his picture, never him. Never any answers.

another awesome link

Sarah Palin, Open Letter

oh......

I have to do something. These people (McCain, Palin) simply cannot win:

Joy of Resistance

I'm disgusted.

third person?

every year of my life
I end up back here
it's the same story every time
I fall for someone who is with someone
then disappears with her
or him
I somehow drive them away
or it's the other way around, I
also run away from them
why is that?

wish I was there, or do I?

you have no clue or do you?
I was your slave
I came that close
couldn't be left this way


leave it behind I tried, I
could if I tried


sometimes I think I'd do anything
over and over been pricked
my blood is sweet, sticky
sharp, then dull
it never leaves

bad me I
gave way to the urge
I could feel it all over me
wild lust
down to this
always down to this

I'd do anything
sometimes I think that
you have no clue
or do you

I'm running, flying sometimes
I'd do anything
throw off my clothes
jump into the river
sometimes I think that

sometimes I'd do anything
I have to forget
I have to forget

have to forget
if only I could
I have to not see it, somehow
yes, I would jump in the river
sometimes
I fell, I'm looking up
what can you hold onto?
what are you attached to?

hot pink burlesque

I got invited at the last minute to dance at this event on the lower east side. All good, great, fab, a lot of work, I'm sore as hell now.....but awesome! Below some pix....

more lyrics

Falling Apart Laura Saiter



i VII III

it's all me
it always comes down to me

I want this
I don't want this
I'm not in bliss
not in bliss

I look forward
travel far
don't go far
turn around
there you are
everything's dark




the street is dark
so am I
there must be another time
It's always me
I'm somehow to blame



I wanted this
I don't want this
this isn't bliss
I did this
isn't bliss

the street is dark
everyone's out
you're not out
what else is new

I'm falling apart
It's dark out
you're not out

been a while again

I've just been working so much and running around I have hardly a minute anymore. I have so much to say, but here's some of it......lyrics in progress:

I'm being twisted look in the mirror look away it comes back
it must be they're trying to drive me crazy could he really make me this way you made me this way when will it end when will I know what really happened there's no one to trust I'm dreaming in water in woods it's dark there must be an end there must be he must be there has to be












As for the above pix: I have this obsession with 11th street. I think it's haunted. Well, that doesn't take a whole lot of thought. It used to be a junkie hooker pick up spot. So I was told. The past, spirit of the past is there. Most don't notice. But I saw written on a cemented door: "Does Anyone Care?" But about who, or what?

what should I do?

I am afraid, this time. But more than that, angry. The person I wrote about, who lives in the room adjacent to mine, by the fire escape, in the apartment next door, just threatened my life basically. I never know if I go to feed the cats, in which I have to pass through the ....well I won't get into it, or coming home at night, or hell he could just crawl through the window. There is something dead in my room like a mouse or something....at least I think that's what it is....behind the walls or by the vent, somewhere, but not anywhere where I can find it and remove it. THe smell is horrible. I had to sleep in the abandoned room across the hall, where that girl was (she moved out). So congratulations, me, another shit living situation. According to ....well, the better time to move is October. This month.....I haven't been anyone's dream. I know that. God knows I fucking try. But I failed yet again. Anyhow, this guy....when I passed him in the hallway, said "Don't go putting any fucking notes under my door, you hear? You don't know who I am." It's true, I don't know who he is, although I am sure he really is violent, deranged and dangerous. The kind of person who would hurt someone innocent and enjoy it, be proud of it. Of course, he is popular, too. A classic sociopath. I have to try not to be hateful you know? Problem is, it just drags you down to the same level. Still, I may be forced to go to the cops, which is horribly stressful, and I've been forced to tell the landlord as well. I really am afraid I'll end up in the papers as another stalking or murder victim. If that happens, I want to make it clear who the perpetrator really is lest they get the wrong guy.

disregard the last entry

I guess I was in one of those moods. I'm having problems, major ones, with the same person I wrote about before. He smoked a cigarette and joint, and I don't care if they do, it's friday night/sat morning.....if it's out the window or on the fire escape even. I've done that. But it was in his room, and it all drifted from his to mine through a very thin wall and I was asphyxiated by it, plus getting a migraine. This is all after I'd suffered a major anxiety attack. A terrible one. I was doing my breathing and stretching when he did this. This is why I was so mad. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. And stuff like this just...I don't want to become a hateful person. Or bitter. But this kind of thing...this general meanness and lack of caring for others, from people like him, make me lose sympathy.
On a better note, I made some money at work. After busting my ass and going through hell and back. I saw a black cat cross the road. That's good or bad luck depending where you are. I see it as an omen, or some kind of angel....if it goes away from you it's seen as bad and toward you it's good. It ran into someone's front yard. I went there, sat on the sidewalk, and waited for it, and he came out. He looked at me, he was wild, with his big sea green eyes, kind face. Then the owner of the building came out, and the cat took off.
There were these very scary people, junkies, in the store I was coming from. I was afraid they'd follow me. There must be a solution, to all this.

when i was fifteen

I ran off with some friends once, rather than go to that house in the hamptons. I spent the weekend crashing on people's couches. I was nervous, sure, I took acid, I had no clue where I was headed, but I was -- I had a life. For once, my only companionship wasn't the trees, the cats, and books. A good and bad side to that. Sometimes I need humans. But I was integrated into the world, and of course as a pretty young girl I had any number of guys trying to fuck me. One of them almost....made a play at trying to rape me. He pointed an ice pick at me and told me to get in the shower....then said, just kidding. I got out of there, somehow.

keep wanting to take a trip but

but I've been so caught up in my "career" and working day and night on my dance technique. I'm getting pretty good and I've been hurting so much, so tired....it's so much work you just couldn't imagine. I'm exhausted. but in a good way.
My ipod broke, along with my cell phone, computer, Garrett's computer...on and on....it must be mercury retrograde or something. But listening to one of those classic rock stations, I thought back to high school, when I was obsessed with Jimmy Page and Led Zep, and summer is the time for listening to them, being outside, being on the road, going somewhere. Somewhere warm. And high on something. What's life if you're not experiencing that?

had another weird dream--another constant theme....I was sitting on the beach by a small river, with big rock mountains, and a tsunami was coming at me and my friend, but I said, this river isn't big enough. Still, a big wave came at us.