attack of the single woman?

I'm drunk and tired and maybe not up to going into this here, but this is a response to the new Time Out article with the same title. Now, being single is a threat, too. It's not enough or ok to just live our own lives? To hide is a crime. The attack?

Let me tell you something: I am not in a relationship, I DON'T want one....can't conceive of one. "Fuck buddies" is a term invented by men, to get free sex, sans responsibility. Society does not oppress women, nor is it the media: something non-living can't oppress. Men oppress women, men value youth and beauty in women, not intelligence or integrity. Sadly, though...I have to admit, integrity is good, but face it, it's hard to feel attraction to someone who isn't at least marginally good looking.

My birthday is coming up. I am getting older, but I still think I'm fairly attractive. But women are still dominated by men. Relationship, the ones I've been in, are a form of slavery. Prostitutes are mostly freer than respectable women. I used to think there was hope, that men would change, that they weren't this bad, but sadly .....well I don't think they'll change. We're deluded. I'm much happier not in a relationship.

on another note

This is the best Thai restaurant, in my opinion, that I've been to in NYC. Check out Royal Siam on 8th Ave between 22 and 23rd....Manhattan.

Another is Veselka on 2nd ave and 9th....

paranoia?

Ever wonder why there's so much stupidity out there? So much misinformation? How every powerful statement is followed by by a tidal wave of junk? Think again....


Is it crazy or is it too close to the truth? Why deny what I feel, people already know.

Me performing, on a lighter note

Random stuff. Garrett had a party and Alex and I performed.....it went pretty well.

To start the week on a happy note....

Hamptons polluter, sad, because my mother has a house in the Hamptons. And this was so hard to read....warning, not for the squeamish. Still, there is hope. It's an uphill battle, but it's there. I believe that.

music

Now that I got my new ipod I have heard music for the first time in forever! I'm a huge fan of Dot Allison/One Dove and all that trancey stuff like Banco de Gaia. If people listen to that here en masse like they do in Europe it's news to me. I'm not into hip hop or grunge or hard rock or what the standard American Music is except for the ...well bands like the Violent Femmes or the Talking Heads.

..

Not to compare, but I prefer Dot Allison's stuff to Bjork maybe just because Bjork comes across as an annoying snot nose....plus her alleged remarks about feminism made me mad. But also Dot Allison's stuff sounds more.....painful or someting. I don't know....I want to "like" people but DA in this pic also has the stargods look....maybe the niceness is all an act.

I'm super drunk now. I passed out and dreamt of Candyland (a creepy game....when I got it as a birthday present around age two or so, the woman who bought it for me whispered to my mother, "It's really boring." My mother thought that was funny cause it's like, that goes without saying. But Candyland seems almost....evil. My friend said it's a child molester game.....

then I dreamt of f and s and f became s then turned into a cone head....

butts out

I went to Prospect Park today and, quite frankly, the experience was ruined because of people smoking. This one woman was on a horse and chain smoking--I could smell it a hundred feet away and it was asphyxiating. It's rude and inconsiderate--extremely. I wish the city would ban it, because I was really enjoying the trees and fresh air--the smell of green, but couldn't--couldn't breathe at all. I particularly can't stand cigarette smoking in the morning--I just think smoking is rude. Especially in parks where people are running and there are animals everywhere--who are very sensitive to smells. It's piggish. I am really sick of immature behavior in general; I've had to deal with my fair share of it this week and even worse I have to suffer because of other people....I am constantly having to fight for respect in general. Why do people feel entitled to treat me however they want but don't look at themselves in the mirror, at their own faults? No more of this.

I just had to get this off my chest. It needs to be said.

I've calmed down a little bit

I know my posts get intense, but I guess I'm an intense person. Life is the same.

But the rain has soothed me a little. Today was like an oven and my room was hotter than an oven, or at least felt like it. I'm on the west side of the apartment, and the sun beats down into my window after about 1PM. What I don't understand is why my room, and my side of the apartment, was so cold in the winter, and is now so hot in the summer. I like the heat, and shut my windows at night, but this was too much even for me. Plus, my fan broke.

But on another note, I got a new free ipod in the mail after the one I had broke. I started running in Prospect Park which is rough at times, because it's so hilly, but it's so nice to breathe in grass and trees, and the park is beautiful. When I lived around there 10 years ago it was dicey....there's a good and bad side to most things I suppose. I'm going to be part of a dance there....plus probably going to the Mermaid Parade.....SO psyched! Moby was at the last one.


Here are some pix from a recent crazy audition, and this was crazy. All of us waiting in the rain by the seaport....


this rain is so welcome. I need to get out and enjoy it a little, after roasting all day.

terrorism psychologiqe?

I've experienced that ad nauseum in my life; what is written about in "Feminist Revolution." I've been personally attacked, physically and mentally, insulted, sneered at and snubbed. The hostility and bad vibes could slice the air. Was it that I'm simply too smart, and know or say too much? If I were an idiot, would this ever have happened? I'm smart, strong, attractive and a survivor. I take responsibility for my own faults and failures and I'm working to change that. But after everything that happened in the past two years I am still here, functioning, and didn't capitulate, as is usually expected. That threatens certain people.....

Was I censored? Even at the age of seven, ten, eleven? I think maybe....maybe people are born with certain personalities.

another feminist link

awesome and true! The Irish women's day....


as over there, can be done here.

Women Unfree Will Never Be At Peace!

animal rights link

Awesome web site with a ton of info on how to help animals....mainly which companies do and do not test on them.

nice legs?

Tonight I came home to find my front door left open. My roommate is out so I was afraid to go in there alone. My phone ran out of juice completely and shut off. We've been having this problem for a year now of inadequate security in our apartment, the landlord has done jack, and there is crime in this neighborhood (this is Bed Stuy). This guy was walking right behind me tonight as I walked home. I moved aside to get away from him (my pet peeve is people walking too close to me, especially from behind, or else not moving to let me pass) so call me paranoid, but this guy stopped in front of this building two addresses down from me, that has been nothing but trouble since I moved into this area. These people hang around there who are totally seedy and it's scary. Imagine about the worst, and that's what these guys are like. I think the guy who lives there is a major asshole for bringing these people around, and he doesn't have a right to do that, or to bring this upon us, the neighbors. This same guy in the street tried to ask me where "---" was I didn't understand. "I don't know...." I said and walked away from him. I was ready to yell out of say, "Ask a man," but I didn't want to get into it. I called Garrett from a pay phone and asked him to call the cops if he didn't hear from me in ten minutes. The cops aren't my favorite people but in situations like this it's all I can really do.

So, thank Heaven, my cats were ok, the place was ok, no one was there. That took 30 minutes out of the night, though. I don't know who left the door open, probably an accident, but enough is enough. I can't live this way. A guy in the street yelled at me, "Hey, nice legs" as I went to call Garrett. Another guy was smirking at me. Yeah, my life, my blood is fucking amusing to you? I refuse to go another day like this. Maybe I will move to Cali if I stay in this decrepit slime fucking pit of a country. I'm done. I'm done. I've said this before, but these problems don't exist in Germany, in Egypt, in so many other places. Maybe it's worse elsewhere. But you hear about how a woman shouldn't go out after 1AM or else she's asking for it, that kind of thing. Granted, it's not smart, but the burden shouldn't be on us. There are other alternatives to not going out, not wearing a skirt, or whatever. It's fucking not acceptable. It needs to end. These men talked to me like I deserved this treatment. No more. I'm done with this.

continues

I'm so angry, at so many things. I go out, in a dress and heels, and the stares, the attention I get is more than I can handle. These....I don't want to stereotype and I really am not biased....but these girls and guys who are really ghetto are screaming....laughing loudly...where I am at the South Street Seaport. I hate loud laughing and talking. Maybe it's a cultural difference. Look, my family was poor, my grandmother grew up barely able to afford food or shoes, during the Depression. But people were well-spoken and well-read. Not to mention well-dressed and mannered. I know other people who grew up with very little money and yet they were well-educated and spoke good English, or Spanish. I just don't tolerate stupidity, vulgarity or bad breeding. I can't accept it. I guess just the way I was raised we were encouraged to learn, to not watch TV, to aim for progress. This is what I was taught by my parents and the role models I had, the same ones we all had. None of this was a secret, it was out there for everyone to see and hear.

Ok I'm irritable, now. This guy kept leering at me in the street while I was on my way to an audition, and I lost it. "Don't bother me!" I screamed at him. Why do these men think they have a right? I was hungry and tired. I finally found a place selling veggie burgers, fries and cocktails, to go. But there were people everywhere and nowhere to eat....I can't eat in crowded places. It was raining, my umbrella broke, but I finally climbed the stairs and found a quiet spot. So now I'm waiting for my audition time. I still want to socialize. I love going to auditions but I just wanted to fall asleep, earlier. Now, I feel insatiably hungry. It's a vampire syndrome? My moon sign is Virgo, and sun sign Leo. Virgo moon is a tough one. We're just not a content, easygoing lot. I'm always critical, of myself and others. I'm never at ease. I'm not happy, all that much. I find fault, everywhere. I tried raspberry tea but it tasted awful....I took one sip and threw the rest in the sink. Walks? Yoga? I ate French fries and a whole chocolate bar today. Guilt. I can feel the fat piling on. But in this neighborhood there's not much in the way of healthy. Pretty soon my audition time will come up....actually not pretty soon. I brought a book, called Loose Change, by Sara Davidson. The characters are pretty conventional but it's entertaining, kind of like Jane Austen in the 60s. I'm going on a spin here.....


What is there here that's non fattening and vegetarian? Cole slaw? That has mayonaise. This is the dilemma I deal with every day. I'm not naturally thin. It's a struggle, all the time.

not sociable?

When I went on that DC trip, a drinking get together had been arranged for a bunch of us, in which we toured the bars and Georgetown. It was agonizing for me. All these people were sharks, all of them had knives out, with which they planned to stab me. They all had an agenda. "I don't trust anybody," said Garrett once. There is real malevolence out there. There is a book called In Defense of Paranoia. I know I should be trusting. But I felt like a scrub brush; alienated and miserable. I ended up splitting from the group after my earring was lost, and then crying. I sat in this park by the river, with no kleenex, and finally went into a movie theater to get some. Some people were concerned. It's good to know there are a few decent people in the world. But at that party, everyone--these guys were all hard core beer drinkers and really aggressive and none of the girls would talk to me....at least that's how it felt at first. This one girl, British but originally from Germany, gave off the worst vibes--and there was something hard, edgy about so many of them. I think maybe this same girl later tried to be friendly. But it was too late. Once something or someone sets me off, I get vindictive and angry. That's just the way I am. This one older Chinese woman asked me if I was ok. I need people, company, as much as anyone....I am vulnerable....but don't want to show it. I don't want people to know I need them. I don't, I can't trust people. I have been brutally stabbed in the back. I know better. I am hard, cynical, maybe for good reason. I am angry. I don't trust women or men.

Maybe I'm a whiner. But large crowds and gatherings can terrify me, especially these "bar" beer drinking get togethers. The men are aggressive, and I've been so hurt by men, over and over....insulted, degraded, stamped into a corner. Women are bad too, in different ways. It's like there's nowhere I can go. I don't know who to trust and who not to trust. I know I shouldn't feel this way, we're taught to be loving and open....but it's not always that simple. I'm going on a rant. I grew up an only child. I wasn't raised around a lot of people my own age. I am used to having a lot of space to myself, and privacy. I'm not a group person. I can't stand people staring into my eyes and walking into me, which happens all the time in this town. I am realizing now the damage done to me, though, by mostly men. It's like the same ugliness over and over. I've had problems with women; mainly women who are devoted to these same men and who stand by them, defend them. It all comes down to the same thing: conservatism. Or is it? No, I don't believe in Mr. Right or relationships and I, right now, never want another one. Men cheat, most of them, or eventually want to move on. Men still dominate women, still control them. People, women, let men off the hook and blame society, or "the media" but society and media are comprised of people and dominated by men. There's a statement by Redstockings: "Institutions do not oppress; they are merely tools of the oppressor." Most women aren't radical. Most of them defend men. Progress is agonizingly slow, for that reason.

Winter pix

This is from the 07 anti war march, which I got to the tail end of. I dressed up like a cheerleader for the hell of it and went, wondering if I'd run into any cool people. I showed up and the Missile Dick Chicks and Billionaires for Bush were there. I miss the days of cheering and protesting in the streets. I want the summer of 04 to come back. I miss all the other activists.

But as it was, it was freezing, I didn't see any cheerleaders, and I was barely held together in this outfit. All these kids from the projects laughed at the way I looked. This winter sucked, and I wished for warm weather and finally got it. I wish I could connect with more interesting people, something to work on for summer.





















My two kitties, this winter.

DC Trip from Hell

This is me on line waiting for the bus




At least on the way back. We waited about an hour and a half, standing on the hot street, for the bus. Then, it was packed. People just kept getting on and getting on, not off. Then, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, I was thinking to myself about one of these buses going from Chicago to NYC that crashed, and in which two people died and several others were injured. I started to panic. Right then, there was a loud bang, and a bunch of people were oohing and ahhing. Turns out, a tire popped. So the driver pulled us over to the side of the road. We were told we had to stay on the bus and wait for the police or else he'd get a ticket. How long til the police arrive? He said about 45 minutes to an hour. I ....get very claustrophobic and...I mean, it's ridiculous. Plus, I had to pee this whole time. People were asking about refunds, and we were finally told we'd get nothing. Shit happens, said the driver. Finally, the cops arrived, and we were told to stay on the bus. A little later, we were allowed off to stretch out. So we all hung out on the grass, and people were smoking. Then, I actually would have almost welcomed a cigarette. Or else green. I haven't smoked in about three years. The tire was eventually fixed, and off we went again....and I ended up in NYC around 2am. I fell into bed after three sips of wine. A voice in my head had told me not to go back that night, I should have listened. I thought I had to return, but I didn't. I love DC and had fun, and staying in the hostel was actually pleasant. Maybe I shouldn't have left. Next time I won't, maybe.



Me at the hostel

The guy in the red shirt is the driver who was a complete nut job. He took out some kind of stick or wheel lock and told us he'd beat anyone who got out of place with it. When I went to get my book out of my suitcase outside the bus, I saw him standing over me holding it. I explained what I was doing, and he went away. I believe he was joking, I guess, it was all so confusing. People were joking and laughing by then.

Finally, me on the bus. I started to sweat, and I always lose shit when traveling, no matter how hard I try to stay on top of things. I lost earrings, a necklace, my phone....that's what I can remember for now.

and I got outta there

I'm in DC now, for a night or two. I love it down here I am so happy to get away and the warm weather has done wonders for my spirits. All the stress and anxiety you understand better once you're removed....


It's super sunny and hot a miracle really the kind of heat where you feel like you're roasting slowly....but it's far less crowded and hectic and the people seem for the most part decent. I am staying in a hostel and avoiding going up to the room where I'll be sleeping, because I don't want to sleep in a room with 10 strangers in it....that kind of thing makes my hairs rise up......but every other thing I tried this time didn't work out. Considering I won't be sleeping much there's no point in booking anything really luxurious. I'll survive. Thing is, I need to have the room hot when I sleep or else I get sick....and I have a feeling the AC will be going. I brought a space heater because it gets cold at night and the draft bothers me.....well....I know from past experiences to be prepared!

I also indulged, big time, in some clothes. You know, money that "should" go for something else....a noble cause like animal shelters I spend on decadence, vanity--but vanity won this time. I am decadent, irresponsible?

I need this. Sun therapy. I like it here a lot. I hope to spend more time down here, not just here though of course. I still want to do Latin America, and I miss Egypt as well. I really do. I miss my friends there, and the life I had. Also California....South Africa....all that staring at the map and longing, longing....

but I found out some depressing news. Someone "from my past" who I thought was safely removed from my life.....is going to a "private party" in my town, NYC, well I know what that means. Not only that, someone I can't stand is going to be there. Actually it already happened. It's the same story every time. But I won't go into it...

Simone de Beauvoir wrote about love being a sterile hell as the ultimate salvation....if I have a daughter I'll teach her that....better not to walk in with blinders on....

but enough of that for now....back outside into whatever I encounter next...

Going out in NYC

is no longer possible to be a positive experience. Because first of all, I have to deal with men in the street leering at women, making comments, turning every last one of us into objects, and nothing is ever done about it and it is never questioned, these men are never punished. Men staring at women in the streets, like they're drunk, sick, I'm sick of them--it's killing me, I think about killing them. Any woman who wears a dress, who does her hair or makeup, wears high heels--these are the main targets. If you're attractive, you're inviting it. I think many of these men are staking out their next victims, seeing who will fight them the least. You hear all this talk about "beauty standards" and "society" and "media" or even pornography putting pressure on women to make themselves into fantasy sex objects, wear high heels, skirts, makeup, but what it comes down to is it's men. Society, media are abstract things created by human beings: almost overwhelmingly men. Men pressure women to wear uncomfortable clothes, makeup, hair spray....and punish anyone who doesn't conform. Every minute of every day I have to deal with this barrage of assault, this overwhelming sense of entitlement, from men in the streets.

But I'm not letting women off the hook, either. "Rich cunts" is the term Henry Miller was using....."cunt" is not a nice word despite some feminists' efforts to reclaim it. But people aren't always nice. I had to transfer trains in the Carroll Gardens section of Brooklyn, and I hate being there, hate it. It put me in a really bad funk. I want to stay positive, but in this atmosphere it's a struggle to see straight most of the time. The energy is horrid....all these Republicans, all these conservative women it's religious with them, really, it's sexual in a way. Maybe they're seeking approval from their fathers, maybe it's narcissism.... I'm not going to whitewash now....it's true. What would drive a man to make a law saying a random woman whom he has never met, who he doesn't care if she lives or dies, can't have an abortion? Why so much energy spent on protecting a primitive life form, and valuing that over a grown woman? The reason is control. Same with keeping prostitution illegal. I could go on and on. I'm not attacking everyone. But certain people are guilty. Women oppress women, they sell other women out. This is the dirty secret feminists don't want to let out--women's barbaric treatment of one another. My friend was telling me how these girls in her private school once locked her in the bathroom....but it's more than that. They want a leader, authority figure, maybe, someone to worship? Maybe that's part of it....

But I shouldn't say this stuff. What is the solution? I have read enough Ann Coulter to recognize hate, and reverse hate isn't a solution.....

but I can't go on in this environment and hold it together. I can't live with constant invasion of my personal space, the "hostile environment" of men leering at women and pressuring them for sex or plotting ways to stake out their next victim, because well I can't I won't tolerate it. What's wrong is wrong. Why is it illegal for them to do it in the office but not in subway stations? I can't live this way. It's eroding my health. And this "takeover" going on in the city; the artistic venues disappearing or under pressure--to become beer halls or upscale restaurants and even Bluestockings being stocked with watered-down pseudo-feminist or non-political books because....some women may be offended by anything too hard core....

this is suffocating me. I need a change. I can't stay here. I would die if I had to live in Carroll Gardens--not the Carroll Gardens of old, the Italian neighborhood, but of now--the high-rent, "yuppie" atmosphere I don't want to go on a negative rant....but what can I say? It's how things are. Even the techno clubs....no techno is bad, it incites people to take drugs and have gay sex....

Pro-choice is not just about abortion rights

It's about a woman's right to do what she wants with her body, or any two consenting adults, without government interference.

That includes selling it for cash.

They're all the same to me.
Did the female suffragists make prostitution illegal? Many well-meaning feminists contributed to it, probably to stop the sex slave trade.

Look how far it got us.

Keeping prostitution illegal on moral grounds violates the First Amendment of the Constitution: separation of church and state.

Disgusting


France, how could you have let this happen? The fact that this MF has come into charge is a terrifying threat to women's rights, minority rights, workers' rights, all the hard-won health and child care benefits in France....let's hope there's no domino effect. I'm so upset.

Really, how could this happen? Who voted for this guy?