he said

I fantasize about raping you pinching your nipples pulling off your panties and forcing you.....I said have you had these fantasies about anyone else and he said no. He said I wouldn't really rape someone I'm not a "real" rapist. I wouldn't know, I hope I never do. I said if you felt that way why didn't you do it? And he said, because it's illegal. I said, if it were not would you do it? He said I don't really want to hurt anyone. Then he said I fantasize about you sucking me with tears in your eyes it's a turnon that you're afraid.......

I saw these books on his shelf that said "My First Wedding" there were about four of them and I asked him if he's getting married.........

False alarm.......it's his friend. Why do I keep going there? There's no reason I have to. Maybe I shouldn't. But a part of me can't help it, almost. I'm so numb now my throat hurts it's the strangest feeling almost.....religious or something. Simone de Beauvoir wrote "the dream of annihilation is actually an avid will to exist" and that applies to this situation the "love religion." Or the saint "down on her knees receiving the Holy Spirit" something like the phallic imagery of lightning, the "thunderbolt of Christ." Yes, I've earmarked that chapter "The Woman in Love." Or what she notes as the similarity between religious hymns and erotic songs........"my Adored One my Lord and Master....." so this was 1947.......how much has changed?

I decided to start naming the men in my life after venomous snakes: he's Copperhead. That is a good one for him, huh? I see it as a compliment in a way.

He said I want to come in your mouth will you let me or should I force you in her mouth then she tasted it the worst like super concentrated salt water it went down her throat a gag reflex she began to spit then sprung her head free.......spit it out.....it was everywhere........"what happened?" he said.......


later on he was laughing "you bit my dick...."

But he's leaving and already I wish he were here. I don't think he'll ever read this.

Personal purging

So I've gone back to my "time to myself" and creative work which has been lacking lately, and it's been really tough for me. All this stuff I've suppressed is surfacing. I'm really nervous now, about a couple things. I'm really stressed right now. I'm trying to cope.

Panic Attack

I was rushing around the city and it was late I was wearing these glasses my mother lent me because mine broke and suddenly it looked like the street was curving, I felt like I was upside down, and suddenly I felt pin pricks all over me, my heart jumped, and the street moved up and down. I thought, oh my God, someone drugged me, I'll have to go to the hospital, I may faint, who knows what will happen. I found a mirror and checked my pupils to see if they were dilated. Then I thought, it's just anxiety, just a panic attack....but.....what if I really am drugged? I used to live in fear of this happening, ever since I tried drugs as a teen and had bad experiences. I had all kinds of dumb fears, but the feeling was chilling. I'd get nauseous a lot.....so I took off my glasses and figured they were making me dizzy.......

I was sweating too, my palms.

so......my birthday and back in NYC

Thank Heaven! That's what we all said arriving back from Albany. I went up there for the NOW conference and while it was nice to get out of the city and away from the stress......I see now how fortunate I am to be here (in NYC) and not in a town where the streets are empty after 6PM. Albany is really pretty in parts and I love the Gothic buildings on a hill.....it's like the European towns; and the people were pretty nice.....but it's also reassuring to be in a city where I can sit in an internet cafe at 3AM and walk around and see ads, people, lights, 24 hour delis, et all all over. But when I left NYC I was fed up with the city and life in general; but here I am, happy to see the excitement.

Still, the city is competitive, now more than ever it seems, and a challenge every day if you're not rich. It's .....do I even want to get on this topic? .....so disconcerting to see this former radical punk and hippie neighborhood become totally bourgeois and filled up with handbag stores....not to mention the same people I'd see in the Hamptons or the Upper East Side.

And the NOW experience taught me a lot about the people I was dealing with, and it was sad how I don't feel like I can get close to many of them. It's kind of almost there.

But I'm still happy to hear music again, music I myself listen to, and to have a little cash, to be back in my life. I'll say this though.....I love upstate NY. It's gorgeous and green and hippyish and serene.....very different from the Hamptons where I think I'm going next. I'm gonna be on the beach!!!!


To my birthday, my powerful performances, new trips, and new relationships!!!!!!

Sometimes

I get really fed up with America, by that I mean the United States. I feel like I can't take living here and I don't belong here.....this is a right-wing nation and for anyone who's not life is a constant battle against these elements. Why fight for so many basic things instead of living in a place where they're already there....things like the morning after pill, universal health and child care, mandatory maternity leave, ect ect.....and OH I forgot to mention: decriminalized prostitution.......so that you don't have to waste time fighting for it and can move forward? It's so debilitating, after a while.....and I have a hard time trusting ....well, I won't get into it.

I don't want to seem like I'm "ranting" but, well, I am I guess. But it needs to be said.



This is off the subject, but I had this wierd flashback to when I was sixteen living in Chicago. I was going to this summer school there and would get cheese sandwiches at this kind of restaurant/greasy spoon/bodega near my school. I guess it's cause I'm hungry now but sometimes these things kind of fall on me, or because it's summer now, or because I was so....back then if I knew what I now know I may have suffered far less than I did. But I had such niave visions of the world and the future, though in other ways, my views then were pretty much in sync, with some exceptions, with what they are now.

my response to this article

http://www.sexwork.com/coalition/Federallaw2005.html

Dave's RantAs I always do I scream what about the 90% of "prostitutes" who are private consenting adult sexworkers that are not working for pimps, are not 14 year old children on the street, are not being trafficked against there will, are not public nuisance street hookers!!! Yet in the minds of most of the religious right who knows what is best for us and the Feminists, a prostitutes is a prostitute, no matter what age and no women gives consent for such abuse as prostitution. THAT is the issue we need to educate the public about!


I'm very dismayed once again, and distressed to say the least at the above article and people's ignorance in general. Even further more that this comes from people who should be allied with us. The f-word has been traditionally derided by people on the "left" along with the right, unfortunately.....and pushed aside as trivia, something to address when the "more important" issues (a la racism, class oppression, imperialism.......) are resolved.....and when will that be?

Just FYI, Dave, many "feminists" that you singlehandedly dismiss are actually in favor of decriminalized prostitution. Once more I feel compelled to defend them against another unfair and unastute assault. This article solidifies my argument:



http://www.faklen.dk/en/the_torch/prostitution.shtml

Why is women's liberation such a threat to people? Across the board, even among so many women, it's like a baneful term. That never ceases to amaze me, how people hate the idea. Is it a power thing? Or that it's universal?

Decriminalizing Prostitution

http://www.sexwork.com/coalition/index.html

here's a great link. These people pretty much speak for me.

3:30 and still going

I never rest, except when I'm sleeping, which is more like stealing sleep. There is not one minute of my day that isn't filled up with things to do. I work, have to make money for my rent, cats, savings for the future, trips, bills (ugh), phone, transportation, clothes, occasional.......(whisper) sex toys (like the one I just bought at a sleazy porn shop on Saint Marks)....but I tell myself, after all the stress of this past weekend and working so hard I deserve at least a good vibrator. I decided I really love erotic writing and film maybe you can call it porn.....I mean, I hate anything that demeans women and Lord knows there's a lot of that out there......but the world of sex fantasy is fascinating to me....but I'm digressing....My point is, I never have a minute that's just for me. It feels that way. Then, I feel sometimes like I can't trust anyone and everyone has an agenda (paranoia?) and there are people who will smile to your face then stab you in the back. There's been so much fighting in the activist world and things took a nasty turn a few times in the past few years. But I did learn. Still, I want to do something more meaningful, artistic....I still want to study philosophy and act (why I'm at the computer at this hour, getting ready to do another mailing) and I need a life that is not just about survival, paying the rent, or working dead end jobs that are way beneath me just so I can pay the rent. I really want to study and find "meaning" beyond what is just superficial which is the majority of what I hear around me.

Emergency Contraception

www.getthepill.com


I emailed Planned Parenthood last week to see about getting the morning after pill, and they never got back to me. I wasn't pregnant, but I wanted to see what would happen.


I have to call these numbers now for the pill.....when they're open.

It'd be a lot easier if I could walk into Duane Reade and buy it, n'est-ce pas?

Fulton Medical & Dental Center ask for Department of OB-GYN
(718) 636-8796
MIC Women's Health Services Williamsburg(Services restricted to women aged 65 and younger)
(718) 387-5300
Community Healthcare Network - CABS Health Center
(718) 388-0390
A Brooklyn Woman's Medical Pavilion PC
(718) 222-0123
Planned Parenthood, Boro Hall Center
(212) 965-7000
Early Options
(718) 638-4094
MIC Women's Health Services @ Fort Greene
(718) 522-1144
NYC DOHMH STD Clinic - Fort Greene
(718) 643-4133
New York, NY
Community Healthcare Network - Lower East Side Health Center
(212) 477-1120
Brooklyn, NY
Community Healthcare Network - Caribbean House Health Center
(718) 778-0198
George McMillan, MD
(718) 773-5310
New York, NY
Melanie MacLennan, MD Dr Mac (917) 687-5334
(917) 687-5334
Ryan-Nena Community Health Center
(212) 477-8500
Brooklyn, NY
MIC Women's Health Service @ Bushwick(Services restricted to women aged 65 and younger)
(718) 443-9300
NYC DOHMH STD Clinic - Bushwick Clinic
(718) 573-4820
New York, NY
Sidney Hillman Family Practice
(212) 924-7744
East 13th Street Family Practice
(212) 253-1830
Village Family Practice
(718) 575-2022
Jaana Rehnstrom, M.D.(Services restricted to established clients)
(212) 366-4765
Philips Family Practice - The Institute for Urban Family Health
(212) 924-7744
New York University - Urgent Care Services(Services restricted to students)
(212) 443-1007
If you have questions about emergency contraception, please visit our page on frequently asked questions.

The day I became a rad cheerleader?

This was an amazing, amazing protest; the first one I ever cheered at: the WTO one on September 13, 2003. It combined performance, art and politics and was so creative and brilliant.....not just people marching with signs and getting into fights with cops but creating original and colorful art, and throwing it out there to affect people emotionally, politically. The new protest, and maybe this can make change in a more positive way. I hope, well, I believe in it!

What's strange: this pic is not on here, but I saw a picture of the protest in which a guy and girl were walking and watching us cheer, and this guy looked just like someone who would be in one of my plays later. I don't know if it was him or just looked like him.

I had a tough day today: I got into a bad spat with this woman at the place where I take class who chewed me out about keeping stuff in my locker overnight, which I'm not supposed to do but it's just so hard to carry stuff all over Manhattan, and in a very nasty voice telling me I have to pay for the priviledge of keeping my stuff in a locker, and I was so hurt and mad and upset I started crying and yelling practically. Fine, I misbehaved, but these rules are stupid and mean. I need to change clothes in the city and it's easier to do it this way. But rules are rules and I'm on the "wrong" side so what can I do? But even so, this woman was getting on my last nerve and I was really pissed at her; talk about bad energy......hers was poisonous. At least to me. And when I'm upset I can't be around people; I become edgy and short-tempered. I did lose my cool after a bit.

But that's over for now. I am inspired by a lot of stuff now, but it can be so tiring as well. I haven't gotten to sleep lately til 5 AM because I'm having to deal with my cat when I come home after working all day. I love her but it's exhausting taking care of her. I have to keep her entertained and clean up after her. But she's my baby for now since I don't have kids, yet?

boring fourth of july

Happy Blood Day! I should stop. I'm drinking sangria, watching Britney Spears downstairs with Garrett's friend Sean and we're both being antisocial, actually that is also Garrett's roommate who is in her room with her friend. Garrett and his friends are on the roof but I don't want to go there cause it freaks me out, I'm scared of the ladder I have to climb, and I'm dizzy and tired from the alcohol. So I'm very happy to have a solo party.

It was two years ago today that the bike Garrett made for me was stolen, and he was so mad at me. I managed to find the kid who took it and after a three week ordeal got it back. Back in another life, two summers ago.

There was such a strong, positive vibe then, to use another cliche, and there was so much optimism and it was really intense. But people seem defeated now in so many ways, and it's very draining. So we have these motherfuckers running things, but Emma Goldman said, if I can't dance I don't want to be part of your revolution. I have little control over what others do but I have my own little art to express so.......I mean, yeah, I'm mad. Really mad. I'm moody. I'm afraid. But I'm not going to just shrivel up. I can't. I'm inspired, now! I just want to make something crazy and colorful and yeah, throw it in people's faces. Make them think, and react.

Now I'm listening to Sasha and Digweed and despite the "difficult" crowd I'm glad I saw John Digweed instead of lame Girl Nation. Just being blunt here. I mean, why should I go somewhere else....? Just because someone's bothering me, well, they don't have a claim on the space. This is the right decision. I know it like I know the sky is blue.

We're in Wikipedia!!!!!

It's hard sometimes to look at myself in pix, especially performing, but this demonstration was a super positive event where I went down to D.C. to cheer with the rad rad Radicatz. I think this is one of my cheering highlights; there was such amazing energy here....to use a cliche but for want of a better word.....but anyway, now it's history!!!! But NOT OVER.

BTW that's me in the pink shirt, skirt and pigtails.

I love waterfalls

New York City is not known for nature sites.....Central Park is man-made. I really do miss the country sometimes. I just couldn't live there.

Don't tell me to stay indoors

Just a few words about this post: I got some very nasty comments on this. I don't detest all men and I am close to many men. But the truth is, there are many men who DO behave this way in public and it's done a great deal of harm in my life and that of others. I can't pretend it isn't happening. What I'm saying is really misunderstood, and that incident I wrote about was a complicated relationship and life often contradicts itself, life can be offensive, can't it? White can be black and vice versa, you know what I mean? I just don't feel completely "safe" anymore expressing my feelings because I think it's taken wrong. But anyway.......



I went to this horrid place on 23rd street called the Comfort Diner. There used to be a much nicer one on East 86th street. These waiters kept making eyes at me and staring very intensely at me as they walked by, and then some of the patrons. The way men look at women is so disgusting......even if they're good looking, they do it in a way that's intimidating, invasive, and it's a subtle way of them to express their power in the world, their dominance. And in turn, we're supposed to feel grateful that they think we're pretty, if that's the point. Truthfully, it's a worse experience if the guy is scuzzy but even if not.....I walked out of that place really, really mad and with a terrible headache. Yet, rather than tell these men to change their behavior or punishing them, women are told not to go to certain places, stay indoors, or not to go into a place alone because then they're allegedly putting themselves in danger. Some behavior, I know, is plain stupid in a dangerous world, but why aren't these men told to stay indoors?

ok so the latest is

Saturday was the day from hell, though at least it ended better. It started out OK with me cheering at V Day in Williamsburg, which I managed to get to in 15 minutes on my cheap bike that G made me. I was tentatively supposed to work but that was up in the air too, and it fell through. Then, I was supposed to meet someone who ended up flaking out on me. Then, I rode up to Hunter to use the library wearing my short short cheering skirt dodging cabs and SUVs, and I heard this girl's voice saying, "You need bicycle pants!" I finally got towards Hunter and locked up my bike, and while I was walking to Hunter I heard a guy's voice saying, "Oooh, do fries come with that shake?" I mean, when I read that on a street harassment blog I thought it was a cliche and no one really said that. Then, I got to Hunter and the library was closed. So I headed back to Brooklyn....really exhausted by now. Then I heard a girl's voice again saying, "Put some pants on!" I stopped at this Indian place I go to. So after eating (I was absolutely famished) I got back on the bike to go to Brooklyn, and then the pedal came off my bike. I pulled it over and sat on the curb trying to get the pedal back on. By then I was covered in sweat and my hands were black from grease. Finally, this very nice cab driver pulled over, after I had called Garrett who said to turn it clockwise, which I did for about 30 minutes with it going nowhere, and THEN told me after I need a bike wrench, got out some tools and fixed the pedal. So, I rode home, this being my third trip that day over the bridge. Riding up the bridge is exhausting work.
So I got back, showered and fell asleep, then, thank God, someone I work for called and needed some emergency help so I then used that money to go to Crobar.

John Digweed was DJing, and I expected this kind of music would attract a totally different crowd than was there. It was almost all guys, all about 300 lbs each, and they routinely jammed into me, one of them hitting my nose with his chest. It really hurt and I was worried my nose was broken. I kept thinking, I will kill this guy if I see him, and I was checking in my little mirror to see if my nose was deformed. Finally, after about an hour, the pain went away, but then another guy brushed against my shoulder which I could tell was sprained from that. Moving my arm was slightly painful.

Finally I was sick of getting hurt. I have been in slam pits right in the center surrounded by skinheads, and this stuff didn't happen to me. The only other thing I remember like this was several years ago at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert where I got bruised from leaning against the stage. I really wanted to hear Digweed but gravity was catching up with me and I needed sleep. So on the way out, this guy was like, hi, and stuck out his hand. I thought, ok, and shook it, and he squeezed it really hard. I jerked my hand away and said, what the fuck? And ran off. He started yelling at me, "Come here bitch!" I ran out and got a cab home.

That said, I guess I'm not sorry I went. I wanted to hear this music badly......

But the other night I dreamt I was on an international flight and ended up in South Africa. It was a transfer, not permanent, but I decided to get out and look around. I was near the water and I was thinking, the air is just like that in North America. The water was wavy and beautiful. But I was thinking of someone I knew back home, a Chinese man, and I was somehow supposed to pick up his van, so I'm walking to a big garage. I go into the garage and look but there are too many cars, and I'm thinking, I have to call him and tell him I can't find his car, and suddenly water starts gushing down the garage driveway, which turns into like a curving slide (I dream about this all the time). And I realized I had read the night before about the Chinese woman who killed herself and nearly her kid when her husband had an affair. So the water was massive, I don't know how I wasn't afraid.

Girl meets boy

Boy disses girl, spurns her, leads her on, tries to pick her up in a club and she's flattered that he picked her out of a crowd of about 5,000 people but she stood out anyway; not sure if that's a good thing or not. Girl falls head over heels with boy madly crazily wildly in lust and love to the point where it's painful physically and then boy disappears. Then he comes back, then he disappears again. Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind said, "During the war, I'd go away and try to forget you, but I always had to come back." Finally, girl finds out that boy got married to someone else. Girl goes downstairs at her boyfriend's apartment and sobs hysterically wanting to kill herself and can't believe he did this to her, she gets drunk and nearly has a disastrous run-in with a bouncer and this is just before the Imette incident.......but downstairs is a magazine with the word THIRTEEN written in big letters before her.

But the girl lives, it's winter, the cold stabs into her back shoulders face ears and she gets caught in a blizzard in high heeled boots after a party, just after Madonna's latest single comes out. The girl thinks, wait, maybe he made a mistake and will get divorced.

But.........in the meantime, she's seeing different men and one of them she saw a few months back suddenly gets back in touch with her. This was a "rough" incident......long story short, a very unique one. Suddenly, over a period of a few months, his emails get more and more explicit. One rainy night in March, on the anniversary of the Spain bombings, she goes to his apartment and has a wild, wild wild night in which he pulls her hair practically out of her scalp, slaps her face to the point where it's red, pins her hard on the floor, and scares her, really. But.........but she's also kind of thrilled.....??????????? hmm.....why is that? He's a young law student from Michigan and suddenly she's in love, in a way, with him......and he gradually begins to come into her life more and more. He sends her emails saying he'll "slap the hell out of your ass and vagina" and how he wants to force sex on her and now that I think about it, is forced sex the same as rape? I never thought about it. I know, it's sick, I know....but it was so so so so so amazing!!!!!!! I mean, I guess it wasn't REALLY rape but it was hot, I'm telling you. It's making me crazy just thinking about it!!!

ok, let me re-phrase that

Sometimes little kids can be a joy. Having cats made me appreciate them more because personality-wise they're not that different. Cats throw tantrums too and you love them but they drive you crazy. But most often other people's kids in general get on my nerves. Like in movies they are annoying; but? I guess someone has to play those parts right?

I don't love kids

At times I hate them. I want to stay on the positive side. Yes, I do want my own kids but in general, other people's children get on my nerves to the point where I can't take it, I can't be around them. Like the other day, I was going to the nail salon and there was this kid, like maybe three or four, standing in the doorway screaming his head off and blocking customers from going in and out and the mother was like, "Oh isn't he adorable? I'm not going to stifle his emotional expression." It just scares me how anyone can breed, you know? You don't need a PhD to have a kid, but you should; so I think, sometimes. But what can I do?


When I was myself a kid I was in the car once with my mother, when she took me to NYC for the first time. We had been in Cape Cod and she had gotten into a fight with her then husband, and left with me to go to the city for the weekend. Somewhere on the highway one of the songs came on the radio and I turned it up; my mother said, Laura I can't listen to that. But I bought the record and played it over and over at my dad's place.

Kill Bill

This doesn't happen often, but sometimes a film comes along that just grabs you, and you fall madly in love, in lust, so much that your heart starts racing and you want to run out and tell everyone "Go see this! You HAVE to see this!" Amazing! You think. And this is one of those films. Especially the second. I'm obsessed with the Kill Bills. It was a radical feminist who recommended these movies, one who was badly spurned by some people in the "left" but anyway, I'm drugged, I'm hooked! I believe in this movie I really do. Way back in the early 90s I felt the same way about another film which turned out to be enormously controversial, but also hugely successful. Much ugliness came about as a result, though. But, well? I believe sometimes controversy can be important. Some people just do it for publicity, but even so, how else can you get a point across?

Evanston, Illinois, where I grew up

And interestingly, where my sister is now in college (she's NYC born and raised). Beautiful town, but I don't have great memories. The lake, though, is gorgeous. My friend, Aeysha, always wanted to hang out in the cemetery (she was a Scorpio and, yes, we were, especially she, a little wierd). We'd hang out on these rocks a lot as well.Aeysha and I remained friends until, one day about 10 years ago, she suddenly decided she wanted nothing to do with me. Whatever!

Yes, it gets horribly cold here in the winter; the kind of cold that feels like tiny knives stabbing you everywhere, with the wind hitting your face and neck mercilessly. And there's a lot of....well.....

My sister recently got busted here for drinking beer at a party, with a $500 fine; although, I must say, it wasn't too smart of her to walk right out in front of a bunch of cop cars holding a beer when she's only 19. Still, they're being really vicious about it and it may show up on her school record. I was thinking, this place hasn't changed....to be honest. But there are some positive qualities as well. My mother raised me here because she grew up in small towns in Michigan, mostly, and figured this was a more cosmopolitan atmosphere, and it is. I was lucky in a way. But there is an other side.

We'd pass this statue a lot, of the boy. I have nightmares about this cemetery still to this day, that I'm inside some kind of mortuary with a corpse and passing by the gates, either in or out.....but while trying to get somewhere. I mean, this cemetery seems particularly evil to me in a way. Some cemeteries are cool but this one gets to me. Plus, when we were living near it some bad things happened. Coincidence maybe.....???????