chicago house

I'm from Chicago originally. I'll say this much: the music's great. The radio exceeds NYC's by gazillion. There's a house party in the park outside.

But this is Brooklyn. There's quite a lot going on but I need I will demand some time just for me, just to put my feet down. Just to breathe. I've made at least 30 phone calls in four hours. It's gotten to the point where I'm sick of my own voice. I have hundreds of emails to answer. I demand time just for me.

right now

I've been through my own personal battles, and it shows on this blog. I want to write more cheerful stuff; well, it's not that things are bad, but I'm working extremely hard more than ever in my life. There is a potential for good, but I have to make it work somehow. I hope to spread good vibes, though.

what next?

This being a response to something written, and said ........

I think I need to...I don't know.....but I'm really not satisfied with any of the groups I've been involved in, online or otherwise. I sometimes feel lonely, frustrated, but I know I can't possibly be alone. But I will remove myself from certain people and situations. I am not going to just look the other way when I see wrongness being done, or pretend it isn't happening. If a guy is disrespectful to me on the street, I have a right to confront him. If I confront a harasser and he turns out to be a plainclothes cop who turns the tables on me and threatens to arrest me, then insults me, when he and his friends harassed me and I did nothing to them, nothing violent, then I can't just walk away from it trying to only see the good in people. If we just looked at the good then nothing would ever change, and change needs to occur.

I need to have more in depth discussions with people, mainly other women, who understand how I feel and when like minded people get together and really bond in a positive way, then that is going to create effective change. If we preach to eachother and the converted, it doesn't matter! Some things can't be said enough. I am not going to engage in endless busywork just so I can say I'm "doing something" if it's pointless, menial and repetitive. And I have finally realized I can never go back to the corporate world, and the answer to my problem is not to get, if I ever can, a job that is low prestige, which has no growth opportunities, which teaches me nothing and provides no satisfaction, allows me no opportunity to leave my mark on the world, in which I become frustrated, depressed, angry, and that has me crying or yelling from the strain of it. It's wrong, but life carries much that is wrong. And for me, the solution is not isolating myself in the woods or on a mountain trying to reach nirvana because that is not facing life and the world, the problems that need to be fixed, it's an evasion from a battle for justice, among other things. Right does not automatically happen, the courts know that.

And finally, even if I do get arrested for some stupidity, the idea of spending so much energy on a lawsuit that is flimsy, that will be very hard to prove in court even if I am right, is not comforting right now. I've said this before and I mean it: until there is real unity among women (which is definitely not happening) then I don't see how things can get better. But women are divided and I've even said I just don't really love women necessarily, but what happened in SHP is the prime example: women who turn on other women, hurt them, really stab them in the back, are what is a hindrance to "solidarity." But realistically, women haven't bonded, we haven't gotten over differences, and not all women are great or even good. So what do you do? I know I have to find something else, a more substantial relationship, and not even a sexual one. I believe there is hope. But I'm not going to deny what I can't.

an army of lovers

like I've said b4, I am not a lesbian, and not about to stop having relations with men. I don't despise all men, though I do get infuriated at misogyny, and I don't want to be around only women. I really do try to reach out to other women, but they either start annoying or embarassing me by asking questions I consider personal, too personal, or else try to play "God" (or Goddess) by either obsessively fault finding, picking fights, being judgemental, or else, the other side, acting like if they hadn't come along I'd be hopeless; with constant advice and "if I were you" or "what you really need to do is" as if I hadn't thought of that, you know? Like the other night, I was trying to talk about a major issue with this woman, and out of the blue she starts telling me I need a rug for the bathroom. Look, it's not like I hadn't thought of that, and it really pissed me off. I don't want a rug because it'll get wet and mildewy, Jesus, if I have to explain myself. Inevitably it becomes a contest, a power struggle. Or, the other side is silence. They don't respond when I do try to be friendly; then suddenly, six months later when I'm actually preoccupied with something they (intrude?) approach me and expect me to drop whatever I"m doing to socialize with them, my long lost friends. I have to be honest here, because I'm feeling really angry about this situation and can't pretend there are no problems. Maybe I just need to get out and experience more life, or something, and not stay in this apt with all the problems and difficulties I'm dealing with here, and now. But I'm gaining back my strength, slowly.

here or there

is my best option to leave the US? I think very very seriously about it every day. I posted a subject like this on b and a a while back and was bombarded with .....well I'm under no illusions and I believe in what I am doing, and am not so naive I expect it to be a stroll through the park. But I'm not joking. I want to move to the UK. When? I'm just not happy here. I don't know how I can ever be. I'm suffocating. I need a different society, a different kind of life.

hurricane katrina

I'm looking at the pictures. Guess I'm not the only one with problems. I've been to New Orleans twice, and it's one of my favorite places to visit. When I start to solve some of my current problems I'll start traveling again; this time to LA, oh, I don't know. Or a small trip to philly.

So....guess not all in nature is benevolent.

women't sex lives, their rights

I went to a morning after pill demo today, to protest the FDA delay on getting it available over the counter. I just can't believe how fucked up things are in this country and that not only do we women, the majority, not have access to affordable housing, health care, decent jobs, really, but we can't even control our reproductive lives if things keep going how they are. Abstinence only sex ed? When I was ten, our school had sex ed, and it was girls, boys together, a full year class. This is what men have, what women have, what happens, how babies are made, what a period is, how a baby is born, ect. And this was evanston, illinois, not some "free love" environment. I just can't understand these conservatives: they don't give us national child care or maternity leave which we need and which is available elsewhere around the world. We don't have national health care. We have no means of living without a good job and those too are under threat. There are no day care centers in the work place. A woman's decision to have a kid is her problem. But everywhere else in the world, practically, the government aids women who are expecting. So we have no means to support a child, but they're forcing us to have them. I am so pissed. If I get out of the dilemma I'm in, or if I reconcile with this guy I started seeing, he can marry me and I'm so out of here. But my friends and family are here, too. I can't take this place. The housing system is corrupt, wrong. Everyone should have a place to live and not be subjected to the fear of losing their job and ending up homeless, or ending up homeless at all. They shouldn't be forced to live in shelters or on people's charity. I'm so disgusted with the state of things here. Those who have gone to Europe, I'm tempted to say don't come back. I'm so mad right now.

I'm hesitant

to edit what I just wrote. It shouldn't be read by the light hearted. I really don't want to beat men up. It's not that I don't feel like it at times. Just that I felt really taken for granted by different people. I'm.....

trying to hold it together, under the circumstances.

the right to fight

men who take advantage of, trick, disrespect us, use us for sex, cheap labor....the list goes on.....


I've been thinking, that women who fight back are branded as dangerous, as criminals. In fact, men are physically bigger, have much more advantage in the world, are backed up by the government, the police, the law, tradition, religion, money and.....am I forgetting anything? Try miliatry power. So a woman should have a right to hit a guy who insults her, tricks her into sex and uses her for that, who refuses condoms or responsibility for either STDs or pregnancy, who treats her like a prostitute (no offense toward prostitutes) in a brothel who is supposed to be there at their beck and call, who shouts at her and violates her physically or verbally when she asks for him to do what he is supposed to, when she demands her rights, when she complains and her complaint is valid......I really think girls and women have a right to beat these men up. The way things are now, if a woman yells, fights back, hits a guy, the cops or whoever, really, don't think, (and unfortunately many women take their side) she may have had valid reason to be pissed, what did he do to her? Did he throw trash in front of her apartment, refuse to clean when he was supposed to, throw her out when she had no where to go, trick and use her for sex, hit her, assault her, but that's only the most extreme, I mean it's the day to day violations in small way that hit the hardest, that are the most permanent. But people and authority (and again, I emphasize, other women often) will say, the woman is a criminal and should be locked up. They don't think maybe it's the men who are criminals, who are hurting women, that it's men who are harmful.

Women's rights have been under constant attack since 1975 whatever it was, but it snowballed in the 80s. If you voted for Bush or Reagan, or especially if you're a "liberal" who nonetheless tells women non whites the poor, that they shouldn't do anything to change the world they're in and not to bother making any demands (and some of them were my friends) then this is your fault. I hold you responsible.

I am being difficult here. I have valid reasons to be mad. I can't keep pretending everything is great, when it's not, when there are serious problems in the world and in life. Sure, it's easy to go from one suck ass relationship, job and living situation to another which I can find anywhere in the world, but that's not what I want. I want real answers, a real improvement. That's what I have to make.


I know it'll be an uphill battle but what choice do I have? Others may judge, and will. There's only so much in my control. I will, if I solve these current problems, leave here. Either way I'll have to. But I want to move up, not sideways. That's the tricky part.

fuck housework

I'm sick of doing work I never get credit for, and I'm sick of staying behind to do the slum work while others (who I won't mention) go out and party. I'm done with it. It's over. And, hopefully you'll understand why I'm using this expression, I'm done with being the charwoman nigger around here and at work. Not that anyone should be that, you know, but that's the point. I'm no longer doing shit work and not getting pay or credit. But the thing is, it has to get done, so who does it? I guess everyone equally, I don't know. But I refuse to be a mop. I fucking refuse. This is it for me.

cell phone miracle, maybe?

stupidly, I got my phone wet. It wouldn't work, and the button kept ringing, there was no picture. my friend was supposed to meet me but there was no communication. shit!!!! I kept saying. I put the phone on the stove to dry it out. I put it back together: still not working, and it said "emergency download" (well, this is a condensed version of this.) I figured if I turn on the stove the phone will dry out faster. I turned on the burner (I know you can say it's not that smart but I was trying to dry it in a hurry). Suddenly, the phone was in flames. I turned off the burner, blew out the flames, and my phone is charred now at the edges with part of it burned off. Now I think I have to get a new phone asap. I tried turning it on to see if maybe it works, and the same message "Emergency download" is on the phone. I take it apart again, and leave it. I found it five hours later, put it back together, and pushed the button to turn it on, and amazingly it came on, and the regular picture is on it. THe buttons, though burnt, still work. But it's a mangled mess. It still works though (knock wood).

erotic writing and porn

I am sexual and a feminist and I can say with assurance I know the sex industry pretty well. I love sex, when it's right. I read erotic literature and art and ......sex is great. However, I am not a fan, to say the least, of any kind of writing, art, pictures, whatever, that demean females in any way or degrade them. Much sex-oriented pictures and writing does. I am an enemy of misogyny, which absolutely creeps into a good deal of sex stuff. It's more about females being inferior. Where do you draw the line? Fantasies are fucked up, all about what's wrong. You can fantasize about being in a concentration camp, turn that into something erotic, but it doesn't mean you really want to be there. You can fantasize about rape or, well, use your imagination. I does not mean you really want it.

Maybe there is no simple solution. Sometimes lines have to be drawn. A snuff film is not protected speech. Nor is forced pornography. Someone should have the right to express something if it's consenting adults no matter how despicable. It doesn't mean they have a right to display it in the workplace, or at school, ect. If someone wants to read it they should be allowed to, on their own time.

I am a feminist and sexy, sex-positive.

punzy 

how to deal with

life's issues. as of now someone is throwing fireworks outside my window (guess my neighborhood isn't totally gentrified yet) and I hate it. I don't know why they're doing it.

Right now I am dealing with some problems, personal, which are too much for this blog. I will pull out of it and live, I don't doubt. I have to remember there are good people and there is good and right in the world.

But there's more to life, thank god/dess the stars whatever. Last night I went to a house party a really awesome one. I cleaned up my garden. NOw I just want to get out of the house. Go for a walk, across the bridge, just remove myself from my life and familiar stuff.

G got me an ipod for my bday which I'm trying to figure out how to work. It's my best bday present so far! Dad also gave me a nice one: money.

So, I have to go back to work, and I may have to take an office job. I mean, I don't want to live in the streets. No, I don't WANT to work the corporate world, and this job sounds frikking bo-ring, but.....I am under pressure to do it. It doesn't have to be forever. Yes, I will travel, I will perform, I will maybe live abroad one day (most likely), but not right now. A year ago I thought I had it worked out and I did travel, but it became more complicated than I had imagined. I will return to Egypt at some time. But I need to deal with stuff now, and it's not going to leave.
I think to myself though, I can make the same or more money waiting tables but those jobs aren't at my feet right now....I mean it's possible, but I'm not 21 anymore, either. I need a career I can feel proud of. I don't want people's pity or condescension. Seriously, I have to figure out my "thing." It's there. I have to get it.

new york

I've been going out a lot: to Crobar to see Sandra Collins and DJ Rap (it was awesome awesome!), then with my sister and her 18 year old friends in the Hamptons, Bridgehampton polo (a fashion show, really. They wear stilletto heels and cocktail dresses on the grass), and another party Monday night. I have been going to consciousness raising groups (I love it), and working on the monologues for the show so....I'm still unemployed, working off the books part time, there are other problems, I would love to be in London, Berlin, Alexandria again but, you know, it's I'm here and have my hands more than full. My life is here, and there's so much that is important. There are highlights as well. I can't believe summer is almost over, and there's always so much to do, it's endless. I do want to leave, at some point, but also I'm going to have to face life and work as well. Still, by going out I'm learning so much, meeting new people, and realized I don't think I can sit in a cubicle all day; but what's the solution? I can't wait tables forever; I need to be proud of my job. HOwever, there's so much money to be made waitressing, bartending, and really, shaking your tits and winking at guys, that's the truth. Some variations of that, but that's it. It's hard work though, extremely, but why work 40 hours in an office for $400 or $500 per week when you can make the same money with fewer hours? Off the subject....
On the good side, CBGBs won't be evicted.....yeee!!!! I know people who work there, and I'm glad for them. They came very, very close.

So yes, I would love to get out of the US, and I will at some point. But I still have to deal with work and careers as well and that's where the issue is. I don't think I can take another job like my last; I ask for better, I've changed.

another dream

From what I remember: I am in a movie theater, a make-shift one, alone? maybe, or with others, don't remember. I'm watching this film about people doing spells or seances, some kind of African one, with drums and chanting. It all starts to escalate and this creepy imagery starts coming up, like faces, gargoyes, something like that. I start to get freaky, but tell myself it's only a movie, keep watching. I try to say this is a good spell. But I feel the fear still.

Then suddenly I am working in a store selling various trinkets and fun things. Maybe did the world trade center figure in here somewhere? Like I passed it, or the remains, or something like that. Anyway, I'm in this store and my boss there is telling me rather than get money on my metro card ask these people downstairs for $13. I make sure I hear her right, and she says yes. So I'm working there, and then am told to keep a lookout for such and such a guy....I see his picture, a few of them, different people, but???

Then, it's time for me to leave around 5:30 and I ask this security guard downstairs for the $13 some odd and he gives it to me. THen I see my sister and tell her how tiring my new job is, and how paying for these things adds up? Then I go into one of these bodegas where they're selling these California rolls, and some of them have only rice in them. Someone is talking on the radio, I think....? A guy's voice.

how many times I've been propositioned today

so many I stopped counting. Our society...whatever you want to call it, or maybe just men, or....????? place so much emphasis on women being attractive and we're under constant pressure to be that, to be well-groomed, whatever you want to call it. But then we look nice, and what happens is......intense, exaggerated stares, comments, honks and catcalls from cars, and being asked in a crude, disrespectful way for sex or blowjobs. I don't think I'm that gorgeous, although I'm not ugly, either. My point is, if we get pissed, we're told we either can't appreciate compliments or we're getting bent out of shape over nothing, a little harmless fun, or we're crazy, hysterical bitches, or we should appreciate it cause once we're past a certain age we won't get it, or we should be grateful we're getting it at our age. I would always, my whole life, think I am not pretty enough, thin enough. THere has never been a time in my life where I thought I was thin enough or pretty enough, although there were times when I thought I looked good. But the other side of that is always, once we are "pretty" being the target of unwanted attention. Or maybe it happens even if we aren't "pretty." I've gotten it even when I didn't look good or was dressed badly or.....when I see men doing this to other women it makes me sick. SOmetimes I'd feel resentful or jealous of the women, or think, I have to admit, why is she walking down that street dressed that way. But maybe I do it, too, without realizing it. BUt now I have come full circle, or rather, 180 degrees and I see it the other way. These men are shits, they're disrespectful. What is the solution? I am not sure our counter harassment parties were. BUt I have yelled at these men, I have had my public battles. And no, I don't enjoy it or go looking for it. But I was provoked to where I finally snapped. What if I'm having a bad day, if I'm upset, like I was today, and I get some stupid comment? Yeah, I am going to be pissed....I'm human, I have bad days, I get mad, I lose my cool. Am I not entitled to my feelings? To react, if pushed that way??????

dream

I was in my back yard, but there was an opening in the ground, and water underneath it. West, my cat, jumped in the water, and I almost accidentally covered him but got him in time, as he was swimming in the water. I got him out. THen I somehow got into the water, which was dirty, and was up to my waist in it. I was grossed out thinking this water is polluted, disgusting, but I could smell it too, and it didn't smell bad, but like fresh sea water. G was standing behind me, and I kept saying, I can't believe I'm getting into this water.

I am constantly having water dreams. I had a dream a few months ago about being in the clear blue water, I think an ocean or maybe Lake Michigan in Chicago, and being on a water boat. I think I get in the water and swim.....but am trying to balance myself.

Water is the most common theme.

Maybe it's cause it's 94 today and I could use a trip to the beach, the hamptons beach. Fuck it, maybe I will.

me in egypt.....a long time ago now ....I love traveling but I remember how tired I was by the end.....was so happy to get home, to my neighborhood again....I'll take another trip......at some point 

recent of me and bike .....g put that parrot horn on it recently