right as I write this

at 10 til 2 AM there is a chopper over my back yard and cop cars outside. It was shining the light pretty much right at my back yard. I haven't committed any crimes! But what the fuck's going on? This happened before about three months ago, except it flew even lower. THe cops knocked on my window and went through my place to the back yard cause allegedly someone went back there. The whole time I've lived here, knock wood, there have been no break ins.....no, one thing happened, but upstairs. I walk around here at 2 AM or so or at night every night and haven't been bothered. But I don't know what the hell all this is about. They should really tell us. I'm just....I just want to get out of this place. I'm really done with it but I'm stuck here for now.

bike crash

actually, to add to what I wrote: I'm better now. At the hospital the medic told me I'd feel much worse today but it's ok for the most part. The sores are tender but healing quickly, but that's cause I'm a vampire......
I showered and it wasn't TOO bad. Just had to maneuver my way around more. Dish soap is good for these kinds of things cause it kills bacteria and dries it out.
G and I reconciled later, and he was genuinely worried about me. He called me about five times when I was waiting to be seen, so I should be fair. Still, well, maybe it's the new moon. I am a new moon baby, sun leo, moon virgo (if you read more on astrology you'll understand) that's not perfect new moon but pretty close. The new moon always affects me pretty intensely and I sounded not so great in what I wrote but I get very emotional during these times, rather than at full moon. And this weekend was pretty jam packed.

So, this news station I interviewed at actually sent me an email asking me to come in to meet with their higher ups.....it's so weird. First they said they had to hire someone right away and that was a month ago so I had assumed they found someone else. But I saw them advertise the same job on a message board. And it's basically the same job I interviewed for back in February. This is a very conservative station and I won't say which cause.....I don't want this to show up in a web search. It's just kind of freaky. But....I need a job badly. And I know other people who work, well one for another paper which is in the same building and another who was an intern. But for now....I really wanted to bartend but I've been such a slacker about it, plus the show I'm doing, plus G has this kitten who just went into heat and who needs to be fixed.



yesterday I was riding my bike along flatbush ave and this woman opened her car door, when I was about two feet away. I couldn't stop the bike in time: no, actually, I was literally IN FRONT of her car passing (maybe in her blind spot but she should have looked anyhow) when she got out without looking. I crashed into the door then my bike spun and I was thrown about 10 feet. I think I hit my head, and fortunately I had a helmet on, or I may have been killed. I did, however, land on my elbows and hip and although nothing is broken, I have two abrasions which are very, extremely annoying and uncomfortable, my shoulder is sprained and painful to move, plus my right pinkie is sprained as well. Maybe it's that I'm big boned, pretty much, but how this didn't get even worse is a testimony to, I don't know. But I had decided to go for a ride with G, he wanted to, but then he had gotten mad at me when I couldn't keep up with him and lost him. He rides like a total maniac through traffic and everything and twice we were separated by cars or crowds of people. So we had a big dispute and I said, I'm going home. So, riding home, already upset, that's when this happened. So, I was.....I can get hysterical if I'm under extreme duress, and I was. This girl said, calm down miss, called the cops/ambulence, and the woman who opened her door, she had just kind of smirked and said, I'm sorry, then took off to a store nearby or something. So, anyhow, an ambulence was called, then G called me, and I said you almost got me killed you shit, and hung up on him. So....after hours of paperwork and sitting in the waiting room, and I didn't even know where I was, before I realized I was at the hospital near Fort Greene Park, I got examined and it turned out I had these skin abrasions. So now, I can't shower, lifting my arms is painful, sleep is difficult, if I were working now it would cause problems there.

busy with show and work

I'll be doing a staging of a verse play. I have one person interested in directing, and some actresses. I'm doing it cause I want to play the Girl. It's Plath's Three Women. I've been into that part for years. It'll be alot of work but I'm psyched! Probably at abcno rio.

possibly another....the inmate show, I was asked to audition. I'm so overwhelmed now and yesterday I went through an unbelievable amount of fucking bullshit. I woke up this morning with knots in my neck and shoulders.

But good news..........Cinderella's going to the ball! This show I've been wanting to see, I"ll be there. I am so happy to have some fun .....and....wear green again!

I'm getting emails now from various people. Now I know what it's like to be on the other side. well, another time on this subject.

found this awesome zine at abcnr: slug and lettuce. It's so comforting to be reading this after all those years of living in ......it's all punk, vegan, animal rights, and pro-feminist (so many of these activist communities are not the last).

found out about this Clitfest in Minneapolis......may go!

this is the sex party a friend of mine did to sell lingerie. sex is big biz! where's all the money going, though. my astrological chart says I'm an eighth house personality (that's the house of death and sex) even tho my sun sign is Leo.  

I've been reading

about people leaving for months for world travel. I do want to do that myself. But I also enjoy coming home, back to familiar surroundings. I can't just give up my place and take off......or can I? I read this autobiography of a dancer who did just that. She said something about being driven by impulse, that she does that despite plans she made. Something about being intuitive not rational. I think it's a combination of both. Sometimes I did things impulsively and they turned out to be the right thing. I guess you never know.

But I am seeing I'm probably not an office worker. I'm a performer, I thrive on insanity (some) and.....I'm hyperactive by nature. That's why I nearly lost it at my last job. Just sitting there for hours....who can do it? It's unnatural. I see these women walking around in stilletto heels all day and I don't know how they do it.

some clarifications

I want to say that I don't think, nor have I ever, that the problems where I live are exclusively due to the current administration. This is all something that has been around since I've been here, which is since I was thirteen. It's all too complex to go into now but.....

I know there's that part of me that "needs to stay focused." There's SO much to focus on.

what I last wrote

was pretty emotional and......well, I guess cause I was reading about others taking trips and thinking of where I want to go. THis is all too complicated to write now. But there is that side of me that wants to go places and the other side that has life experiences, that needs and plans and aspires. I know that I can go somewhere but will at some time also have to return. I'm all over the place now, but it's looking more and more like I can spend some time in Berlin, maybe go in August. Ideally like three months.

But it's true, this apartment is too much for just me and I got really sick of pulling weeds and collecting rocks, taking them outside. My front entrance outside is full of garbage bags and boxes of rocks. Like I said before I don't want to waste my life with stuff like this, but then again, I have to deal with it.

If what I read about life lessons holds any weight, I can at least say that this was a learning experience. I learned from mistakes what not to do, and exactly what to expect. If I learned anything, it's I know where I don't belong, where I know I can't go no matter what, what I won't do no matter what. There are other things. At least I know I have other options, for now. I have to remember that even at my old job the MAJORITY of the people were decent. It's like that at most jobs. I just wish I'd known six months ago what I know now. I was at ABC no Rio today ....I'm a hippie, a punk, sort of, at heart. And I'm thinking from now on I can only focus on what I really care about and at least I know what to avoid. I guess my weed analogy was extreme-sounding but it's kind of true....well, at least I wonder if it is. But the general horridness of some people's behavior is something I'll never get used to, that will never stop affecting me in a very scary way. Some people are just mean, so much it's astonishing. Like some people I encountered recently. And I do wonder why they are that way, like is it bad experiences in life or they're just born like that? ONe of those things people have been struggling to know.

loooonnnnnng day

still recovering from an interview that took me out to kew gardens, queens, for a job editing the yellow pages out there. Exciting,huh? There's a hell of a lot going on now, but it's too intense to write in just a blog. I still don't know where to go from here exactly, but I do know what projects are looming. There's always something else to do.

The problem with NYC is, rather, the problem with the US is, now that the old structures of family are no more, really, we need new ways of living. We're all isolated in our apartments. I am in mine, and it's getting to me. It's too expensive and too much work and I need someone, really a significant other, to live there with me. But G won't move in there, and no one else has. Roommates would be barely tolerable.

But I read this elsewhere, as it's not just my idea, but I'm expanding. We need more of a communal living space, not this owner/renter/everyone in their honeycomb situation. A neighborhood where people work together and help eachother in ways like with kids, pets, medical. If abortion (an immediate flag) becomes illegal there could be local abortionists....but people tried that in the past and it doesn't appear to have worked. But so much energy is spent keeping it legal and I don't think it should ever not be. But if it is, if there were a society where people worked together and looked out for eachother, unwanted pregnancies could be dealt with better. But besides abortion, there is SO much that's not being looked at: the fact that just living requires more and more impossible feats. There are no, or few, full time wives or maids to stay home and take care of a house, let alone kids. How can you realistically work 16 hour days and come home to do all those homey things? It's impossible. I couldn't do it, it cost me my health. Why aren't these things being addressed more by women leaders? I have my theories, but will have to write on it later.

more auditions

don't know, maybe cause I was up late last night, but today I've been so lethargic. All I accomplished was an interview and some monologue work. Well, yeah, that's something. I suppose there was more.......


been walking a lot, I'm obsessed. I can do it for hours and hours. I was on the Manhattan bridge but I started to freak, like what if this bridge fell? All those however millions of tons going into that nasty river and if I was on it......What would I do? Just the impact of the bridge hitting the water would bring me.....and whatever else into the it. I have this thing about heights and water anyhow. Then a chopper was flying right overhead.....low.....when that's happening it means there's something going on, big, like a crime. And for a second it looked like it would crash into the bridge, that's how low it was going. It came over me and I screamed, thinking for a second it'd hit. I guess that's leftover from 9/11.

my mother lives in Lower Manhattan, and I've spent a very big portion of my life in nyc below 23rd st. There was a fire there at the turn of the century, the triangle fire. All kinds of freaky stuff happened there. Actually that is all of nyc.

I have this swollen eyelid, too, not knowing where it came from.

yeah, I'm weird and getting weirder. I can't stop thinking about a particular thing, try though I may. I am obsessed with dance music and club life. I guess I should've gone to the complacent party. But there are many more opportunities. I can't sleep, as I'm a night person. Daylight makes me ill, and faint. Someone else suggested I try bartending. I'm a night person, but if I'm in a show it won't matter, unless it's at 3AM.


not only that but I've been having weird sexual thoughts or moral ones. I've been thinking about scarlett o hara and what dillemnas she faced, cause I could have been there too. I would feel guilt, there are some things I would avoid doing if I could. But I understand something else ......I've been far from sweet....I'll have to go into it another time. But I wish I knew what certain people were thinking or what it is they want. If I knew that, I'd be able to maybe help them. But I can't read them. I don't know what motivates anyone.....is it possible to?

goals

I have many. They're in my head. my b day is coming up.....I hate that. Well, it's in late july, but that's creeping in. But anyhow, I'll be older but the same, doing the same. So much time has gone by and some of it was spent well, but things didn't happen anything close to how I expected them to. I feel almost like I've wasted a year. But then again, I didn't. I made a lot of effort and some progress, perhaps a lot. But still IT hasn't happened....

I am going to stage my own reading of this verse play, I need two other actresses and a director. I have to find a rehearsal space and venue. This is all low budget of course. I would rather keep it small and among people I know rather than hold auditions. Anyway, I know something about the audition process. Today I went to one where all of a sudden it came up we're supposed to show our movement ability. I asked the proctor, do they want us to dance? I can cheer, I said. He said basically if it shows movement, do it. So I did a shakespearean monologue then a radical cheer, but I am so rusty I was tripping on myself and forgetting moves, but hopefully she didn't notice. The shakespearean monologue went well, as I've been telling myself to work on monologues every day regardless of what else is going on.

projects .......

a verse play, about women.....a real gothic sexy one.....been wanting to do that for a while

king lear, but set among the Irish gangs on the lower east side this time (someone else did it set among the Los Vegas mob, you know)

you can't steal my ideas! they're mine, and I have this blog to prove it

henry vi part one I do monologues from that play at auditions ....people have told me I'm right for the la pucelle character, I've seen pix of the London production but I want to do it more.....I don't know, I just didn't connect with what I saw, but anyway

I was thinking earlier today, you know, (I had to edit some of this, but I'll write about this elsewhere. I know it's going to offend some people) as a cheerleader, these people would follow us, take our pix, throw comments, some of them were nice. But others.....it got to be very jarring after a while. Then photographers jumping at us and taking pix up our skirts and at our boobs......

music again!

it's so great to hear it.....been deprived of comps for a week, xcept for cyber cafes. In a way, it's good. I mean, I can't have a relationship with a machine....or have it turn into hal in 2001 space odessey. I went out, saw the trees, the sun, walked across the bridge, read, walked some more, met some people....had a mixed experience.

I want to start my own consciousness raising group too.....been frustrated with the feminist groups I've gone to. Some of them left me feeling so.....it's hard to say. But I kept thinking there was something "wrong" and can't shake that feeling and it really eats at me. ......but I think there's potential to uncover some fascinating stuff. I feel like so many women I know have a lot to say, something burning to express, but they're not saying it. And it's a hard thing to live with, because you got interested but then suddenly the door is shut again. I am realizing how many women have experiences like mine, but anyhow.....just wonder where I fit into this world, and the women in my life....well, I'll have to go into this somewhere else.


On another note, I just finished Jane Smiley's 1000 Acres and loved it! I want to see the film again.

this weekend

I have more to write, some time. I have been.....it's monday now? quite a lot happened. I can't say I've always made the right choices. I think I've made some wrong ones. I believe results happen, will happen, but not immediately. I know because that's how it always worked in the past. It'll happen next year. But I don't have til next year. I have stuff that needs attention now. And it's the now, the that I'm dealing with. I don't know if I made the right choice this weekend. The thing is, you don't know who's good and who's not.....at first, maybe ever. you don't know anyone's intentions. I wish, hope people's intentions are good. you put your trust in someone, you give them a chance, but the rest is up to them.

things that irritate me

gum chewing
people walking too close right behind me
car horns
intense staring, particularly when I'm preoccupied
people walking into me
groups of people (usually out of towners) taking up the whole sidewalk and not letting others through



all over the place at this part time gig in brooklyn. Possibly something in manhattan tomorrow. not feeling too good........for reasons I won't go into here. I'm dealing with a lot now. It looks like I won't go to indy after all. just not the right time.

hmmmm.......if I dare post this. This is me being baaaaadddddd but.....I have mixed feelings about this pic. I'm in sneakers most of the day and glasses. I sometimes get creative with pics. The red stockings are a tribute to the feminist group redstockings. So that's the irony......get it? I wasn't going to publish this but......well.... 

more interviews......but hope...hope....hope

I'll at least have a job and be able to pay my rent. I've subbed my place for a week and will stay at mom's I have 3 possible jobs but as usual, no make that 4, but it's all up in the air. Up in the air. Then the possibility of Berlin. I'll finally have the comfort of security but I'll be thinking what I've wanted to do for so long, what I thought I'd be doing, living in Berlin or London, learning to speak fluent German. Going to more places, back to Egypt, Israel, Tanzania, South Africa.......but I'm attached to my apt and kitties I'm so divided....I wish I could be two people: one in my apt and job in Brooklyn and another off everywhere. I wish I had someone to support me and pay my bills while I become an artist......anyone? Sure, you're welcome to.

my computer at home is fucked up so I'm working on G's laptop. I'm supposed to go to Indy but don't know if it's gonna work: it may not. I'd be able to go to Atlanta....doesn't sound like much but I'have that wanderlust.

travel plans and plans

I was supposed to go to Indianapolis for two weeks. The ticket was bought. First of all, I got called in for an interview so that may mean work, soon, which I need. Now, Dad, who I'm supposed to visit, thinks that is too long. Everything is up in the air and oh........what can I do??????

I walked across the bridge today and bought a shirt and some shoes. I was hoping to go see Felix da Housecat but it's raining bleh.....plus the admission is way exp. I had a friend who did the guest list but I lost the fucking number. Decisions, decisions.......

I read this book that said, money is energy, do what you want, the money will follow. Follow your bliss, the money will come. Hmmmmm........create art, which is energy.....I am a big fan of FDH....and last time I bailed on seeing a DJ I came to regret it. I had been walking around again in the rain in high heels in Dumbo and I started hating him, actually, cause I was cold and wet and uncomfortable. I started to go.....but like a skittish cat I ran off and decided not to. THen, I regretted it.


One good thing: if I go to Indy I'll be stopping in Atlanta. Well, it's somewhere! Whatever. It'll nice to be down south again.

my life......what's next?

So many changes have happened to me in the past year. I left my job of four years which at the time I was desperate to get out of, then traveled to the Middle East and met people from all over the world....saw how completely differently people live elsewhere. I took a great deal of time for myself which I needed, went on long bike rides, went to the park.....all these things I could not do when I was working every day. Oh, and I slept. I never slept enough when I had that job.

but....back to reality now. I was naive about so many things. People I know are leaving their jobs and I wish them well....but if I'd known then what I know now I'd have done many things differently. I traveled but not as much as I'd wanted to, and now I have to get back to it..... Plus I had no idea of what I'd be dealing with, as well. I want so much to leave this country because I know I don't belong here.....but for now I have to stay. My friend told me about something I can do in Berlin. If it works out, I will take the job, but that also means leaving life as I know it. Berlin is a nice city to live in, though: it's safe, fairly nice, not too expensive, and most of the people are cool. Plus, it's closer to the other places I want to go to. But change is hard. And regardless I'll still have to work, and a lot. But if I have kids I want to raise them in Europe.

shopping.....and.........?????

I went to the grocery store today and got what I'd make lunch with: some pasta sauce, brie, bread, soy milk, butter substitute (new experiment).....in the Pratt store. The music at these places (me being a music person) is really cheesy, chatty and upbeat.....not what I normally listen to. It'll be a while before I start really cooking although I love to bake: pies, cookies, cake. Helathier stuff, though.
I have a friend who, many years ago, was married to the lead singer of a skinhead band. I was her best friend at the time. She really is a sweet, golden human being...and considering how she was raised she could have been a monster. I'll have to write about this more in depth somewhere else, but if you've ever had a time in your life where you're so raw, so thin skinned, and your life is peaking in intensity: well this was one of those moments for me. I went from high to low pretty fast, and back again, but it's these events that shape a person. My friend, Alex, was gorgeous, smart and funny, but for whatever reason she ended up with, well to be honest, he was a little like Stanley Kuwalski; however, he did have brains and talent, he wasn't just a thug, to his credit. So, they met and he fell in love with her, they allegedly had great sex, and he proposed......and on Sept. 11th (way before the 9/11/01.....this was a completely different era) they wed at city hall, actually in Lower Manhattan. I was there, too. But, her mother was on drugs and insane, he too was doing dust, he turned out to be psychotic and though he didn't beat her up or anything, he was very borderline. Well, uh, is that a surprise? He died a few years ago of alleged pneumonia, not to mention that he caused severe damage in Alex's life. She left after about a month and a half but they never divorced; they just stopped talking. The only way she knew of his death is because....OK this is what's weird: I was waiting to audition somewhere in the city when I picked up a local zine, and there was his picture. Then, it said he died. I was pretty freaked by that. Then, Alex called me a day or so later and said she was coming to town, and I thought that was the reason. But when she got into the city she asked if I'd heard what happened to him and that's when I told her, haven't you heard? He's dead. And she actually laughed and said, I'm free! She was joking about it....well, she actually was involved with someone else by then. But she never contacted his family. Then a few years later she remarried, and has a kid now. But she still talks about him, dreams about him. She said he's the best sex she ever had. Very strange.....I don't think I've ever had a connection like that with anyone. Just to have that intense a bond with someone: well, I have, but it didn't last. I never forgot those people but when it happened I was, what, 17? What could I or they have to contribute to a relationship? But I keep hoping it'll happen again, although I want it to last, of course. They were just precious few moments in my life where I was living really intensely, but in an emotional way that almost did me in. But, at least I learned from the experience. All the meditation I did and writing, that's what led me to the.....stuff I got involved in.

SO....the earlier teen years....in junior high, being...well, the constant pressure, even then when we were fourteen, to be pretty, well, always, really, a kind of sex object. Well, OK, looks count. Clothes and shoes matter. In high school you had to dress well, have the right shoes, the right jewelry and jacket, and even the poor kids who could barely afford to eat looked good. going to a high school and being in an environment where you were supposed to contemplate suicide if you didn't get accepted into an Ivy League school...living in Lower Manhattan with high maintenance people....discovering punk, anarchists, vegans, not bathing, hanging out with the hippies, not going home, refusing to be....well....then going to one school where I discovered acting, moving to Chicago.....I wasn't much of a scholar. It's just not what I was meant to do. Then....later I went back to school when I realized I didn't want to spend my life working in a grocery store, thank you very much. Plus, the school had a good drama department. So, my mother's husband and his friends may faint at the idea of my going to Hunter instead of Dartmouth but....I don't know....realistically, you do have to live. The way they're pushing my sister: I mean, maybe she is academic, but I don't see it, honestly. I am NOT saying she's not smart, but I just don't see her as particularly studious or scholarly. I think if she really wanted to go to an Ivy League school she'd have gotten in. And even then, I've been in the work force and they care far more about your experience and ability to do the job than about what school you went to: unless you're going to be a stock broker or lawyer or doctor. But I do think she's better off in California...but Mother and her husband were insulted and thought I was saying she's a bimbo. I'm not saying that. USC is not that bad a school from what I know, and realistically Sam (my sister) it seems is into partying on the beach.....well, of course that's not all she or anyone wants, I know, but that IS where she gravitates, it seems. I believe she is smart and has lots of potential.....but no one has asked her what SHE wants, I don't think. Maybe I'm wrong and she really does want to be a lawyer. Then great. I believe when I have kids I will support them in whatever they want to do...I mean, hopefully they won't want to be serial killers or or to drop boms, but I'll do my best to make sure they don't end up that way. There's nothing wrong with that, but she's not a "leftist" which is what I gather U or M is like....or a sorority type like this other college she may be going to. If it was my kid I'd spend the money on her travelling the world and then send her to a state school. My opinion, but I think Ivy League is a waste of money if you're not rich and not planning to become a doctor or lawyer. ANyhow, just my $.02.

today

I'm exhausted after 4 interviews.....ohhhhhhh
my cat West killed a pigeon and there are feathers all over my back yard. Well, that's what cats do. He went out around 4AM this morning ( let him out) and I woke up and there was.....I won't go into it. But....that's a sign of affection, when a cat brings his prey to your door. It's a gift.
From the film JFK the character X asks, something like, who benefits? Who has the power to cover it up?

I