women cling to backward senseless beliefs. women keep their own oppressed. they stick to the past and long for the past de-evolution you could call it. sad. sad world. i've been let down by too many. I wish it were otherwise. Wonder if it'll ever change? Women aren't trained to fight, that's why. Just sit back and nobly die alone like the character in The House of Mirth. If you choose life instead, you're a villain. Where's the logic? There isn't any.

last night

didn't realize ended.....dark moon in scorpio. that's pretty dark. I went to a tango party.....one of those things I was kind of tired/it was late but my mother had heard about this from the Alliance Francaise. It was a great night.....this party was in Herald Square, or near 8th ave. Not exactly Herald Square. THis part of town is hideously ugly and inconvenient--I've been here at 3AM other times in my life for other reasons. Anyway. It's close enough to where that girl fell of a building. The party was great as was last night. I went with my mother and sister--this red dress I wore and black patent leather heels--They lent me a trench coat which I thought looked ridiculous--I told myself I looked like Faye Dunaway in The Eyes of Laura Mars. Yes I looked good. And no date. Embarassing to say but my "date" for the night, a couple of them, somehow fell through. But whatever. This older man was teaching me to tango. It is a beautiful dance, and the dancers were beautiful. It doesn't look like work but it is. Back in the old days this is how people partied like the Edith Wharton novels and my legs were really feeling it. So at 2 am; my mother and sister had left; I took the train back walking around this dirty industrial part of town, near the Department of Motor Vehicles. I got on the A train after getting coffee, thank Heaven for that, from this seedy diner. Train ....it was the E and I had thought it was the C, left me at the World Trade Center. HOrrors for real. Switched to the C. From that station, around 2:30 am or so, I made a very agonizing and harrowing walk home in those heels and a thin trench coat. Oh I am NOT looking forward to winter! I had read about women in Russia wearing stiletto heels in blizzards and I wished I had my Uggs....try though I may I could not forget the burning sensation in my feet the cold and how all I wished for was warmth and to take these instruments of torture off. Plus, the only people out were killers, really. And this neighborhood is full of hills and cracks in the sidewalk several times I snagged a heel or my shoe came off. After getting in.....there was kind of a smell in my room and the dog; so I had to clean that up it was unbearable. THis morning, I took the dog out which went relatively painlessly. I was decked out to the nines in sweat pants, sweat shirt, my hanging nightgown, and--I had left my Uggs at my mothers and had only high heels and sneakers, so I wore those; a hideous white. I was fashionably unfashionable. Tundra the dog always wants to go to this place on DeKalb which is obnoxiously pretentious and the customers very snotty and annoying; and I'm showing up in my unsophisticated white sneakers and red sweat shirt--my hair hanging every which way. This one couple was there--the guy with kind of black hair and like a grunge, like Soundgarden, look, and his girlfriend; a tall red head wearing an army coat I think, and boots. Most of my boots have been stolen from the locker room. WHat can I do? Tundra likes this place for the biscuits. I got rugulah, a brownie, a light cafe au lait (they do make these right at this place. most of these coffee shops make the coffee so dark it's like mud and makes me sick and light headed.) fed her the biscuits.....the song "Satisfaction" was on the radio.

The night before my mother and I watched "Spring SUmmer Fall" something like that, a Korean film. It was pretty good; all these messed up people in a so called spiritual retreat. Again more later?

dream nearly forgot

it's late early and i need a full night's sleep but this is the dream I had.....

a woman, name starts with a k, came into my room. she was wearing a leopard coat. hair dyed red but roots showing. her voice was high. her hair curly. she was talking to me about someone....we were in a room in a motel. I guess a city one.

then I was in Queens walking with this comedian I met, a suburban part. Then we were lying together naked. then we walked out into this suburb, it was night time. Shrubs around us. maybe it looked like parts of Evanston where my mother studied ballet?

he was wearing white
the lights were white
inside, brighter than ever
tungsten white not a speck of blue


a floor was washed
the suds, the smell hangs in the doorway
everything in me is raw scraped away
pieces of skin what's left of me
my hands, feet, arms heavy hanging rocks
I am one of her stupid bitch slaves
that she cuts for her pleasure
miss sacharine sweetness tells you
don't be bitter, don't hate the hateful
don't believe her
she is a sick one, a sick human
is there no way out of her?
there is a broom and it's making this way and that
which way is it?
did I confuse you?
and who is to blame
for this sickness

and still walking through here
feel this dust this parcel of air
that could be you
walking by me
the trees are saying
somebody must pay
somebody must pay big time


dry and scaly
cracking like paper
dead listless eyes staring at you
not staring
there beyond and at nothing
it's the worst thing
really the worst
the walls are smeared with red
looks like it could be but it isn't
a hand, a claw, shaped round
grasping at something that isn't there
there was a doll in the crib
eyes staring out blue eyes, same blue same way
you spun around seeming endless
in the basement and on the driveway
someone should have told you something
is there no way out?
you're oh-so-good, aren't you?
it's a deception
no one believes you

what did I ask for?
you're spent, so is your heart

once they were there
a face, face becomes a mask
they walked this place a million others did there

before them
a bag of white
a salty ride
the leaves are green they're growing somewhere
somewhere they're making pasty liquid
somewhere they're singing and dancing



in your dreams, you're naked with him
she appears in a leopard coat
is he saying something?

the sky is an eggshell blue
a midwestern winter
the whiskey was part of it
sweet fumes fill your nose
sweet carbon, then not so sweet
the branches hanging grabbing, grabbing onto you
your right hand behind you
head twisted to the left
is there no way out of this?


a rush of red
there will never be an end

Not to get started on a downer, but today a 13 year old girl was tragically killed by a car. Enraging really.....how the hell could this be allowed to happen? I had a bad feeling.....in Fort Greene Park it was empty at the dog run....just a huge sand circle it looked like a science fiction film. Pigeons just sitting around it. Then flying the way they do in circles. The black cat in the deli on DeKalb was just sitting in the middle of the floor, staring ahead. It's All Saints Day....of course lifted from the pagan holidays. NYC also was strangely cold, frigid and silent, even in the East Village, on what was supposed to by the biggest party night of the year. This woman, she was a pretty young blonde, was pushing a kid back and forth on the swings in the playground. It was making this creaking sound....reeeehhhh reeehhh .....and the kid was alone it just reminded me of the Omen. The kid was also staring ahead and not making any noises. I almost think that's a kind of child abuse; to take your kid to a park to hang out alone, with only her the mother or nanny I'm not sure which for company. It's just weird....why isn't he/she (I think it was a girl) in school with other kids her age?

There is a big kind of baseball circle of sand in the middle of the park. That's where people take their dogs.....but when I took Tundra there no one was around. It reminded me of Gorlitzer Park in Berlin. Part of it.....the size of a baseball field at least.....is a huge crater where a bomb was dropped. I mean, the Nazis were who they were but the other side wasn't exactly angelic; our side. It looks like those pictures of Mars or the Moon where asteroids or comets hit; it's pretty much the same thing. I used to run in that park every day when I was there. I think it was turned into an ampitheater or something. That's what it looks like. In Berlin and most of Europe I have to say the weather would make me crazy. At least here in NYC it gets sunny and hot but there it pretty much never does. It's always frigid chilly during the summer it's at most in the 70s. Berlin was cloudy and gloomy even in the summer. Like the sun is shining but it's cold out....deceptive?

It feels very silent around here.

So I went to a crazy party on Saturday night then last night.....I went to the East Village to pick up something at the store but everything was closed. Took a cab for nothing. Argh! Then I stopped at my mother's where we watched this RETARDED film, made back in the 50s or 60s, about a haunted house. The house looked like the Jefferson Market Library on the outside, and like the places in this neighborhood, a lot like Garrett's, on the inside. Clair Bloom and Julie Harris were in it. The Julie Harris character was really annoying........I don't know why she spent the whole film with caked mascara on her eyelashes and no other make up, and like a permanent pinched expression on her face. She just sat there whimpering in this allegedly haunted bedroom, with all the classic cliche haunted house noises.....banging on the pipes, laughing and so on. You know, ha! ha! ha! The same sounds those dolls sold in Wallgreens make. She would cry and scream, "Go away!" The thing is, the guy whose house it was, can't remember the actor's name but he looked like Oliver Stone, had warned them the house was haunted in the beginning. How do they know it wasn't him making all those noises from behind the walls? And if the place was so terrifying, why didn't they just leave? It was atmospheric, though. It was a beautiful place; hey I'd take it, ghosts or not. Burn bay leaves if there's a nasty ghost in the house. There are so many things you can do.....and it's hard to sympathize with these characters I mean if you're that stupid and ignorant you deserve whatever you get. I'm sorry. There's a ton of information out there on hauntings or I suppose if you take out a Bible or salt .....I was reading the lucky mojo site last night and there was a listing of American folk remedies, used back in Illinois, where my great grandparents lived... German-, Irish- and African-American somehow these traditions merged; not sure how. Really this was amazing; because no one in my family told me about these things; ironically I found them on the Internet. I was reading these articles, downing a few too many glasses of this Chilean Red Wine I'd bought in the East Village. I found these YouTube videos of Memphis Minnie songs--atmospheric yes! This music is amazing for a quiet night; sexy and cool, background stuff. The kind of stuff you listen to, or "people" I guess listened to driving on lonely country roads back in the days. Lit a white Meyers Clean Day candle after washing the floor turned out all the lights. Had time alone with precious peace and quiet thank you very much. Chatted a little online.


There was a picture of a woman I know who has rather a treacherous history with a friend of mine....he is not fond of her from what he's told me. Naturally I can't name names. She has ghoul make up on and is staring into the camera....like a blank dead ahead stare. It is really terrifying, this picture. She had written on her page about what a wonderful life she has.....well whatever. My heart jumped a little when I saw that.

There must be many disturbed souls walking around. Troublemakers. Bah! Garrett's place....this room in the back is always cold and was artic temperature last night. I sometimes think I see faces or something standing next to me. This one time I was on the stairs and it....I thought I felt someone pass me, like a light coming down the stairs. Not a surprise; this is an old building and a lot of stuff happened in this very area. A lot of it was very bad. Call it what you will. The real horrors are in the human living world; THAT'S what scares me really.


The other day, the night I went to the crazy party (big O! ) I had an attack of the crazies.I was on the way when the fucking thing came off in the middle of DeKalb Ave. Right next to Applebees, well why is that surprising? The site where a girl name Chanel was mysteriously murdered....anyway. The "ees" in the sign in front of the restaurant look like glowing evil doll eyes.....that sick glowing laughing look. Like the clown doll in "Poltergeist." Go check it out someday; you'll see what I mean My shoe heel broke. I screamed. I lost it. Adrenaline very high partly as I'm getting back in shape as a dancer must have released (back to my Method Acting training) lots of emotional blockages. I read some very upsetting stuff by a woman online whom I had thought was on the same page as me, and I suppose that contributed to it. I wrote in my spiral notebook or rather chicken scratched the hell out of it whiny stuff but hey I will spill and rage it's my notebook. Still, the person who recommended writing in one is the same one who said disturbing stuff online so I'm thinking am I free? As I'm following her advice but then she said all this stuff that really twisted me up emotionally and is saying I'm not really free a slave when she'd said the opposite before.

he was wearing white
his shirt was that color
so it stood out
on the night time street
still busy glowing tungsten
tacky store fronts
endless red car lights
all a blur
all too many of them
will there ever be an end?


one day you slipped
the strap broke
they thought you were playing a trick
if only you could lie to them
you could if you acted enough
the gashes are red
when will they be theirs
think I'm joking


dry and scaly
cracking like paper
dead listless eyes staring at you
not staring
there beyond and at nothing
it's the worst thing
really the worst
the walls are smeared with red
looks like it could be but it isn't
isn't real isn't something real it's based on
there was a doll in the crib
eyes staring out blue eyes, same blue same way
you spun around seeming endless
in the basement and on the driveway
someone should have told you something

you don't have energy to hate
what good would it do?
or to become enemies
all a rock that fell
you really are scraped
this way and that way

I'm dry, dried out and spent
once I had it
once the waves lifted me up
dropped me down
and it's sad
the red ants and worms eat you alive
and you become a nasty cliche


is it too much energy to hate? what is hate?
you are dried out like a rag
you are scraped raw
once they were there
a face, face becomes a mask
they walked this place a million others did there
before them
a bag of white
a salty ride
there were one too many

days

Ah why. Meant to say whiny whiny. I suppose it could have been much worse. all the insanity, people's egos and anger. I reall need to just be a hermit. I am grateful now for the dark and to be alone and the quiet, although it doesn't feel like I'm alone. I feel like there are people all around me. I just feel like I'm not alone. How do I know I'm not being watched? Because I AM being watched. I have almost no privacy and I am a very private person and not having that is going to make a wreck of me. If the theme is endings then yes certain things must end. I was earlier very angry. It was a last attempt maybe at having any control over my own life and not be someone else's marionette.

ok

I took one post down just because well yes it was somewhat whiny and negative. I'll leave the obvious unsaid is all.

On the up side, the view from my window is beautiful.....big polar bear green trees!

A tarot card fell on the floor the Nine of Cups it turned out to be. Pretty pretty cool.

more KLF

KLF AMERICA WHAT TIME IS LOVE


Yes I am obsessed with them. Just my opinion of course: but they were so much more creative original and brilliant then so many of those whiny 90s "Grunge" (he hm whisper Pearl Jam) who came up when I did a youtube "Jams" search......

वास

इ

fluid

that is what it feels like. maybe it's beeswax candles. I feel like I'm in some kind of weird sticky sweet something. this fucking computer keeps crashing. My "c" key is screwed up so I have to pound it to get it on the screen. Better now. Had a rough weekend. Don't get me started on the dog. I love her I love animals but it's very exhausting caring for her. I took her to the park at horrendous hour of 7:30 AM and bumped chests with all the other locals some of whom gave me advice ect. Got her earlier some gluco something biscuits from the healthy pet place. Ironic that as rents go up so does the availability of all this eco-correct stuff. I really need a regular sleep and not having to endlessly trek up and down stairs. Exercise yes but I'm very weary of it.

Birthday Poem Revised

so next version: of the dad one


there and there
he laughed
he smiled
did I confuse you? he said
any way is right
if you don't know which way


burn low burn high
3am can't sleep
I should have more money
I shouldn't have asked
there's a broom and it's waiting for him
things were blurry
and you should have waited for him

I'm on a horse and it's white
there's a flame burning, burning high


she's wearing black and
dust forms around her

the snow is white
the silver is bright
the snow is white
silver is bright
black is dark and white is light

I'm an elf and I've fallen from a star
he said, she said
does it really matter?



I'm on a horse and it's white
there's a flame burning burning high

my dress is ruined
and it was nearly perfect
a near perfect blue
me and you


the shoes are red
and I saw a face
a hideous face
I dreamt of a church but it was evil
and I couldn't get out
the grey was the color of tombs
outside the windows
there was so much green
so much and everything

how far, how far do we go?
before we're back to where we started
there's yellow and it's a fierce yellow
my shoes are red
so bright I have to shut my eyes
all the reflections, a pin piercing
dazzling light
shoes are red
there was another, another formed again

did some one commit

there was grey
too much of it
a skull and cross bones
dust of a tombstone
dirt from a killer's grave
head of snake
head of an ant
teeth of a rat
too much of that
too much of it

there was blood on the walls
too much of it
doubles here and everywhere
everyone has a shadow side
house in Michigan
the worst, the boonies and hicks
the despised people
walking like zombies

maybe there

speaking of

"Economics 202" I know that I've fucked up with money issues not for lack of trying to work them out....but it happened. I would like to know the reason but I attribute it to.....mass confusion. So I'm working on wiping the window clean.

things

intense conversation with someone last night. I suppose I do feel a guilt or sensitivity over some things. Other things when writing I don't want to face. with great love great things come great responsibility.

on a lighter note, since I'm in a creative mode, I'll put down some of my other favorite writers. I actually, randomly.....cause in my neighborhood people leave clothes, books and shoes out on stoops if they dont want them, so if someone else does they just pick them up. Or they have stoop sales. People leave books out, and about 85 percent of them are things that "most" people wouldn't be dying to read, like "Economics 202" 4th Edition from 1978. But sometimes.....well after seeing a few of those types of books, I found Jack Kerouac's "On the Road." That's the Beat Generation classic, the 1950s version of punk, or Williamsburg....and not the kind of thing I'd first want. But I decided to take it and I'm reading it now. I'm only at the beginning. It's similar to Henry Miller but a couple generations later. I must be in a 50s mode...for such a crazily repressed time there was some amazing art, literature and music. I was reading "In Cold Blood" til I left the stupid thing at a friend's place. Yes, I need to buy another copy.

faces faces are staring at me

so many yellows
oh the love and it's real
love and it's real
the yellows are bright
so is all this light
all this light so much of it
this light this one oh only this one \\


it was om om and ominy
all this and she is teirs
thiers and not his
theirs and never his
all of theirs and never his

Happy Birthday Dad!

there and there
he laughed
smiling smiles again
did I confuse you? he said

burn low burn high

3am can't sleep
I should have more money
I shouldn't have asked
there's a broom and it's waiting for him
things were blurry
and you should have waited for him

I'm on a horse and it's white
there's a flame burning, burning high


she's wearing black and
dust forms around her

the snow is white

the silver is bright
the snow is white
silver is bright
black is dark and white is light

I'm an elf and I've fallen from a star
he said, she said
does it really matter?

I'm on a horse and it's white

there's a flame burning burning high

my dress is ruined
and it was nearly perfect
a near perfect blue
me and you

bubbles will soothe

me and you

point the way

any way is right

heaven or hell

any way

if you have the means

the shoes are red

the plate is silver

in winter it's all hidden

how far can you climb?

it is

absolutely beautiful. cool wet splashes, pink sky, gentle wind......unreal. kid stuff. but it is real. it is real. the trees are huge and magestic, outside my window. yes blessed indeed! jewels of pink, gorgeous. there was a reason I stayed here and up....if only to see this!

now

it's 5 am raining in spades and very beautiful. small beeluminiation candles almost spent. gorgeous. if only you could see it. rainforest rain. all sweaty and drunk. i miss my dear absent friends distance does not mean I love you any less or that you mean any less to me. less often is more precious. sadly, that makes necessity for other things. all that, wet love. wet love. wet love. lots. lots

rain wind

don't know who it is
don't know who it is
rain on my forehead
it's 5 am
too late and too early
am I spoiled?
it's late and raining
late and raining
my windows blurry
for hours I've been watching
tree branches moving this way that way
like underwater
what is it no one knows
what is it who will know
it is beautiful
they didn't say how much it would be
why am I the only one to see it?
someone else is there
someone else is there
but they're not here in this room
someone is there
but not here
only my cat his quiet breathing
chest rises and falls
i feel it the wind through my heart too