fluid

that is what it feels like. maybe it's beeswax candles. I feel like I'm in some kind of weird sticky sweet something. this fucking computer keeps crashing. My "c" key is screwed up so I have to pound it to get it on the screen. Better now. Had a rough weekend. Don't get me started on the dog. I love her I love animals but it's very exhausting caring for her. I took her to the park at horrendous hour of 7:30 AM and bumped chests with all the other locals some of whom gave me advice ect. Got her earlier some gluco something biscuits from the healthy pet place. Ironic that as rents go up so does the availability of all this eco-correct stuff. I really need a regular sleep and not having to endlessly trek up and down stairs. Exercise yes but I'm very weary of it.

Birthday Poem Revised

so next version: of the dad one


there and there
he laughed
he smiled
did I confuse you? he said
any way is right
if you don't know which way


burn low burn high
3am can't sleep
I should have more money
I shouldn't have asked
there's a broom and it's waiting for him
things were blurry
and you should have waited for him

I'm on a horse and it's white
there's a flame burning, burning high


she's wearing black and
dust forms around her

the snow is white
the silver is bright
the snow is white
silver is bright
black is dark and white is light

I'm an elf and I've fallen from a star
he said, she said
does it really matter?



I'm on a horse and it's white
there's a flame burning burning high

my dress is ruined
and it was nearly perfect
a near perfect blue
me and you


the shoes are red
and I saw a face
a hideous face
I dreamt of a church but it was evil
and I couldn't get out
the grey was the color of tombs
outside the windows
there was so much green
so much and everything

how far, how far do we go?
before we're back to where we started
there's yellow and it's a fierce yellow
my shoes are red
so bright I have to shut my eyes
all the reflections, a pin piercing
dazzling light
shoes are red
there was another, another formed again

did some one commit

there was grey
too much of it
a skull and cross bones
dust of a tombstone
dirt from a killer's grave
head of snake
head of an ant
teeth of a rat
too much of that
too much of it

there was blood on the walls
too much of it
doubles here and everywhere
everyone has a shadow side
house in Michigan
the worst, the boonies and hicks
the despised people
walking like zombies

maybe there

speaking of

"Economics 202" I know that I've fucked up with money issues not for lack of trying to work them out....but it happened. I would like to know the reason but I attribute it to.....mass confusion. So I'm working on wiping the window clean.

things

intense conversation with someone last night. I suppose I do feel a guilt or sensitivity over some things. Other things when writing I don't want to face. with great love great things come great responsibility.

on a lighter note, since I'm in a creative mode, I'll put down some of my other favorite writers. I actually, randomly.....cause in my neighborhood people leave clothes, books and shoes out on stoops if they dont want them, so if someone else does they just pick them up. Or they have stoop sales. People leave books out, and about 85 percent of them are things that "most" people wouldn't be dying to read, like "Economics 202" 4th Edition from 1978. But sometimes.....well after seeing a few of those types of books, I found Jack Kerouac's "On the Road." That's the Beat Generation classic, the 1950s version of punk, or Williamsburg....and not the kind of thing I'd first want. But I decided to take it and I'm reading it now. I'm only at the beginning. It's similar to Henry Miller but a couple generations later. I must be in a 50s mode...for such a crazily repressed time there was some amazing art, literature and music. I was reading "In Cold Blood" til I left the stupid thing at a friend's place. Yes, I need to buy another copy.

faces faces are staring at me

so many yellows
oh the love and it's real
love and it's real
the yellows are bright
so is all this light
all this light so much of it
this light this one oh only this one \\


it was om om and ominy
all this and she is teirs
thiers and not his
theirs and never his
all of theirs and never his

Happy Birthday Dad!

there and there
he laughed
smiling smiles again
did I confuse you? he said

burn low burn high

3am can't sleep
I should have more money
I shouldn't have asked
there's a broom and it's waiting for him
things were blurry
and you should have waited for him

I'm on a horse and it's white
there's a flame burning, burning high


she's wearing black and
dust forms around her

the snow is white

the silver is bright
the snow is white
silver is bright
black is dark and white is light

I'm an elf and I've fallen from a star
he said, she said
does it really matter?

I'm on a horse and it's white

there's a flame burning burning high

my dress is ruined
and it was nearly perfect
a near perfect blue
me and you

bubbles will soothe

me and you

point the way

any way is right

heaven or hell

any way

if you have the means

the shoes are red

the plate is silver

in winter it's all hidden

how far can you climb?

it is

absolutely beautiful. cool wet splashes, pink sky, gentle wind......unreal. kid stuff. but it is real. it is real. the trees are huge and magestic, outside my window. yes blessed indeed! jewels of pink, gorgeous. there was a reason I stayed here and up....if only to see this!

now

it's 5 am raining in spades and very beautiful. small beeluminiation candles almost spent. gorgeous. if only you could see it. rainforest rain. all sweaty and drunk. i miss my dear absent friends distance does not mean I love you any less or that you mean any less to me. less often is more precious. sadly, that makes necessity for other things. all that, wet love. wet love. wet love. lots. lots

rain wind

don't know who it is
don't know who it is
rain on my forehead
it's 5 am
too late and too early
am I spoiled?
it's late and raining
late and raining
my windows blurry
for hours I've been watching
tree branches moving this way that way
like underwater
what is it no one knows
what is it who will know
it is beautiful
they didn't say how much it would be
why am I the only one to see it?
someone else is there
someone else is there
but they're not here in this room
someone is there
but not here
only my cat his quiet breathing
chest rises and falls
i feel it the wind through my heart too

Hail to Thee Mighty Aphrodite!

Hail to Thee Mighty Aphrodite! Ancient Goddess of love, marriage, sex, prostitution, pornography, beauty, femininity....... The most popular, most (probably) beloved diety ever. I've been meditating on her and writing about her in more private diaries quite extensively as of late.

Ancestral searches

Found this memoir, really an interview that was subsequently transcribed, of a woman named Jesse Gilbert Saiter who is not related to me, but was married to a man who was probably a distant cousin of my grandparents, something like that. It's an amazing story I haven't read it all but I plan to. That and collect information of early European-American history out in the plains; in my family there's quite a lot of that, on both sides.

This interview was done almost 30 years ago.....it could have been completely lost and thanks to Illinois Digital Archives and the libraries there it was all preserved. Kudos to these!

This all came about pretty much out of the blue and randomly as for the hell of it I did a google search on Saiter, Illinois, after reading this on Harry Middleton Hyatt anyway like I said there is SO much out there and so much history in any place crazy huh?

Brooklyn Life

I'm not the first person to write about this and won't be the last. But life here in the early 0s, in Brooklyn. Coffee shops and bike/dog culture. And black. Ha. I'm sitting in the very cute little combination Thai/Hippie/Yuppie establishment called Rice on biscuits and Washington Park. Earlier I was at a place called Brooklyn Express coffee shop of something like that on Dekalb....where I was walking Tundra, Garrett's dog, until the owner came out and yelled at me about grooming Tundra who was shedding a storm cloud of fur in front of his "place of business" like I was some kind of criminal. Well I AM his business, I paid for my coffee. And dog biscuits which they were selling.....plus they had a bowl of water on the sidewalk for dogs. Tundra actually led me there.....there was this kind of dyky punk woman working there....a nice break from the otherwise bland upper middle class people in this area......I bought my latte and biscuits ect then I had taken this metal thing you brush fur off with....and Tundra was shedding so much it got in my mouth everywhere......so this owner.....a tall muscular African American guy....came out and was saying he appreciates me cleaning it the fur is going into his shop ect. This is what I have to deal with every morning. I am used to being able to start my day with coffee at least and a little down time but I get none now. The dog has to go out and I won't get into her going to the bathroom everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Mornings are very stressful as is this situation.

But that said, I'm sitting in this Rice place....despite the fact that I got into an argument with these people sitting outside yesterday again over Tundra who I won't get into it cause I'm about to eat. But the music is very nice reminds me of this Brazilian music my boyfriend's ex wife sang...which he played for me. In a bizarre way I'm very inspired by this....and this is helping me. It's very soft and dreamy.......unreal, almost like fairies singing. I am very moved by all this fairy talk I think it's awesome.....whether they're "real" or not isn't the point.....your art becomes life. Fairies and demons. A little better. A little.

written sometime in may this year

I've never been near a volcano or seen lava
once I tried to make one
exploded all over the kitchen
Mother home from work and screamed raged
formidable beast of flower no end to it
am I a brat
patience is evil
I am a bitch
I hate myself Amen
what a cruel game
what a cruel joke that was
what a cruel world
joke's not funny anymore it was on us
love is a knife
love is jealousy slowly cutting
eating away at your life
needing revenge
the fog, the ugliness of it all away all away

holy?

My mother has this book of international literature and among them is the Qu'ran. I am very very enraged at reading this to the point where I am ready to ......go crazy. It makes sense in the worst way. The constant phrase "God is merciful" then telling people God will throw people into hell fire for all eternity if they don't believe in "Him" that women have no rights and if you're a slave you're really SOL. All this because this is how "God" wants it. Uh, not to bash anyone's beliefs but....I'm bashing them. I don't discriminate against Muslims no that's not right I am against that. I do have major issues with the religion. I'm trying to put it out of my mind. Is this how all men think, just they don't publicly say it cause they can't anymore? You can't marry a woman plus her sister, in case that's what you were planning on doing. Sorry for the letdown. You can't marry your stepdaughter. Guess Woody Allen would not be accepted there, he's going to hell according to them. God is merciful. What can I say? Well, these are my opinions. Maybe I'm "ignorant" well be they as they are this is what I feel; so far what I"ve read makes me against this belief. Have to say it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Oh30JhRIeI&feature=related



I have to preface this by saying I am NOT advocating anyone use drugs of any kind. Sadly use becomes abuse too fast. I won't deny I was addicted to cocaine but I found antidepressants and adderall and yes tina I won't deny it and I'm not on coke. I have ADD for real (I know people allegedly lie about it but I"m not lying; I really have it) and I suffer depression and medicine has helped me. Meth at times has helped me focus. I know there are those of you who will be horrified but that's the reality: uppers have helped me. ADD, bipolar, depression are real medical diseases as is borderline disorder and people suffering from it do need medicine. But yes it's dangerous, and because honestly of irresponsible behavior of some we all suffer, myself included, in not being able to get prescription medication I need. Because I get grilled and tested and told to come back for more testing and if you've ever done coke in your life they won't give you antidepressants or adderall and won't prescribe the latter at all because it's like cocaine...and some people abuse the shit out of it......and so we all suffer. But we NEED it, some of us. I have had days where I was ready to faint, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't finish anything, couldn't focus, or study, where I would stand up and see black and practically faint. I couldn't talk to anyone or think clearly. I couldn't pay attention. I would just feel like falling asleep, for days. Walking and running were excruciating. Stimulants were prescribed by a psychiatrist, and I was able to finish work and think right and get things done that I couldn't before. I would fall asleep in the middle of studying, or get irritable, spacy, depressed.....and suffer over and over again. I was depressed and it is a biological condition. Medication got rid of the problem. BUT if you're already manic obviously anything to make you more manic will make your brain explode. Everyone's chemistry is different. THere's a reason dancers use uppers. All my life I've suffered a slow metabolism as well.

THat said:
honestly; I have to say I believe these trips are more in their heads than a result of drugs. Everyone's brain chemistry is different. If you're not mentally sound you should AVOID drugs....if you're already manic you shouldn't take any amphetemine. or uppers....I have ADD so stuff like this doesn't phase me I dare say it almost makes me normal.....I still fall asleep. psychiatrists grill people with questions because of this problem. OBVIOUSLY if you're pregnant you should never do drugs or alcohol or cigarettes. And there are people who want abortion to be illegal! Which is worse?

more on this

some highlights I remember....this one cracked me up. An article written by a woman lawyer, hm....women keeping women down, deja vu anyone? Anyhow, this lawyer wrote "In Defense of Chastity" saying girls should not give into men's advances because men will think they're sluts and not want to marry them then if they get pregnant they'd "really be in a pickle." Crazy huh? This is how people lived. In Feminine Mystique, Friedan quoted this male professor saying something like, girls need to ask themselves, "Should I willingly prepare myself for a lifelong celibate career?" And this was in college, including the prestigious seven sisters like Smith where both Plath and Friedan went. My mother tells me back then....something like you'd have to worry about preganancy like you do, say, HIV now, and that "everyone would think you were a slut" and you would be sent away. Your classmates would be told a lie like that you are visiting your sick aunt. Abortions were of course illegal and clandestine. The pro-choice movement was originally a radical one. It was certainly beyond shocking for a woman to get up in public and speak about it; much like Margaret Sanger and birth control at the turn of the century. I read in Margaret Atwood something like, it took three phone calls back in the day. I read a quote somewhere where a woman said something like, "All this talk about AIDS now, but back in the fifties pregnancy was the kiss of death." And went on to say what my mother told me. Truthfully, it was common for women to "have" to marry then. Simple, and not. Now our problems are different but extremely complicated....we're supposed to live up to these impossible standards of the Superwoman. Really, a child takes everything out of you. Pushing a bowling ball out of yourself; it's not hard to imagine why women suffer PTSD, or post partum depression. Of course.....my mother said the screams in a ward are horrible and so is the pain; she said it sounds like a torture chamber. My mother was tied to the bed: going to the doctor was a way of going to be tortured. My mother tells gruesome stories of what she and her brothers went to going to the dentist. Plus the didn't have the same health standards so people had worse dental problems. Shock therapy is horrible and it's now known totally unnecessary, as is vivisection. ADD was not understood; kids were punished for that, or schizophrenia. THose suffering these illnesses are among the brightest to, according to....Kay something, author of a book on bipolar, have to look that up. Oh, An Unquiet Mind. THe deaths are unnecessary as well. What happened to Plath naturally could have been avoided. I suppose she was bipolar or suffered ADD which are treatable now. I know many people who have it. More later on this....Oh a bell jar is a vaccuum? like a tube, used in TV and film? ?????


Oh yes, another highlight of the book is where she describes this African American waiter serving string beans and baked beans together, and has him saying "Mah! Mah!" I think she or one of the others kicks the plate because two beans are not supposed to be served together. That stands out as well, having been served hospital food myself. That part has been running through my mind.


My next book is In Cold Blood. Another fifties book. That era did produce some great work and interesting people, I'll say, for all the repression. The film Capote, which I saw with my mother, sister and SOnny, is one of the best I've seen. I'd say if you were living back then and NOT having a nervous breakdown, especially after being served articles like "In Defense of Chastity" that's when you know you're REALLY screwed up! I mean, did anyone really take that seriously?

I wrote this as a response to another video...but it wouldn't upload for some reason. here's the link


Bell Jar Youtube Review


Actually Plath's era was Pre Feminist. Or rather Pre Second Wave Feminism. It was the time that....set the precedent, I believe that's how they say it. Women were then told they had to choose between marriage and motherhood and a career.....they couldn't have both. Read The Feminine Mystique--which grew out of her era. Betty Friedan was one of these typical suburban housewives....and wrote from her own experience. You think it's hard to balance all these things now just imagine what it was like then....there was little or no support for a woman trying to "have it all." They were told they couldn't. Much has drastically improved even if it's far from perfect. Very very long topic for discussion but we don't have ten years to go into it all....but I recommend reading Friedan. Good review, though!

the bell jar by sylvia plath

reading the bell jar

sometimes I think I was born into the wrong era. Or wish I could go back in a time machine. WOuld it ever be possible to invent one? Science fiction always bored me.....but who knows. Stanley Kubrick and Sylvia Plath were contemporaries and I am someone who tends to mull over photos....as I have his and hers. I have her picture on the back of the novel, and his.....when he was young; and he was really a hottie then...they are but two years apart in age. My grandmother was born in 1926....same year as Monroe. Another one I find fascinating. MOst Hollywood stars don't interest me....maybe Grace Kelly. Vivien Leigh but she was British....she was someone who thought the stage was superior but she ....she was born for the camera. She had that something--you couldn't take your eyes off her. Blah.....rambling.....but to think both of the people I just mentioned may have been in NYC at the same time and never knew eachother.....Mother says I'm obsessed but if I am it's your fault Mom.....You dragged me to these films as a kid. But I don't blame you...think what I would have missed!

This picture of Plath is disturbing to me. To think she was only around 19 or 20 then....both of them were. I guess.....they were kids like us...well like I was at one time, like I see everywhere.