health care quote

ok. All this week I've been dealing with health insurance issues. This had been an ongoing problem for months, but now after intense concentration I'm managing to resolve it. I applied for this cheap program and also am eligible for this 9/11 program as my mother was downtown at the time. I went into the clinic at St. Vincent's hospital and, after waiting all day, talked to a social worker and psychiatrist who prescribed me some medication as it turns out I have ADHD. I really do, no bs.

I will get into the massive....as this was part of our consciousness raising for the women's group I worked with....we gave our testimonies. That's only the tip of mine. I moved, I never got the forms for renewal as I'd had insurance before so it expired then to apply again I needed a letter from an employer which in my situation is extremely difficult to get, if not impossible. I won't get into THAT. BUT, someone I have been doing some work for finally agreed to sign a letter. But the point is, I don't see why I need the person above me, or any third person involved to get health insurance. My getting it was dependent on someone else's goodwill. But in my case, universal health care saved me. My friend made a funny quote once, saying that the taxes in Europe are much higher than here in the US and they only keep half of what they earn as the rest goes into these social programs. He said, "The money has to come from somewhere it's not going to come from a magic wand." So I suppose there's no easy answer. I don't think the middle class should carry the burden of paying for the problems of the whole US, or...? I mean, so many people are out of jobs now that they need these things. Well, anyway, just some thoughts on the subject.

getting there which way

getting there which way?
the sermon will begin
you missed it again
you've have this dream before, will again


marks on your skin
only a small sting, the sharpness
it's bled bled and red

you know what's yours,
celestially sent, this
this
is mine it's bent

we could

we could be both
from the same place
and sometimes I shut
my eyes and there you are

in fact for you to get insulting or personal in such a way as you did, to be angry is one thing but to insult and abuse me to my face and publicly embarrass me proves one thing: i did the right thing by leaving you were never my friend or anything beyond i won't get into that hear we were never meant to be and you are absolutely without a doubt the WRONG person.....so i'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart i apologize for my mistake. for my "fuck up." and you really knocked me to the floor. and i absolutely know we are not meant to be and never were.

As for current one, and I pray, if _____ you know who you are....if you do love me do not EVER do what they did. I believe...rather KNOW you do. You must. Why else would you be with me? It's not for my money. I'm not the BEST looking girl, though I think I'm pretty enough. BUT: I pray again the times I feel you don't really care for me or value me, it's a misunderstanding. I feel you must love me but other times I don't. I have no idea what you're up to ....actually I do. If you're doing to me what you did to the others.....won't get into that here. I loved you. Maybe that was my mistake---but no. No. In spite of everything, I can't see it that way. BUT:

don't start acting like them. When you do that's when I take off. I really will. DO NOT be like them. Do not ever insult or abuse me like they did. I have to trust you won't be.

It's hard but not impossible. It's a constant effort......but it can be done.

It is possible for love to fill me up, and others. I have to love myself and be happy, to feel deserving. Without that, I can't give to anyone else. So that's where I'm focusing.

As for.....

so called Illuminati or Masonic or Reptilian conspiracy theories.....maybe they exist maybe not. But obsess over that and you stay on the bench driving yourself into a frenzy of generalized hate and paranoia...of THEM and how They hold you back. Really the occult is not a secret: the information is out there for anyone wanting to study or learn. There's no excuse for NOT knowing.

But ......

But.


It's hard, but you have to keep filling yourself with love. Let that emanate from you. Whatever path you choose to take, that has to be there....an act of love and compassion. Easier said than done, cause there's a lot of shit out there that you'll be bombarded with, that and bad information. I try--every day I have to combat all this bad stuff. I'm working on getting it away. When I say bad I mean BAD. And it's a struggle. But not impossible.

I don't believe in karma. I don't. Reincarnation, maybe. Did Hitler get away with what he did? Not like I'm the last word.....but I don't know. Maybe he did. These men who tortured people on mere suspicion in the latest war, are they getting punished? According to the Wall St. Journal, no they're not. If they're true sociopaths, they may never suffer if they don't get punished and feel no guilt. And many of them don't. I've encountered a few people like them in my life. And I can say they NEVER feel guilty, the worst of them.

??????

Do they?

These people are a minority, though. Most of us are in a grey area. I'm not pretending to be perfect. I've done stuff I am not proud of. But at least I acknowledge my mistake. You know?

So people do awful shit and get off. In A Clockwork Orange his victims turned on him. But in life, that hasn't happened.

Still, I feel like me being hateful in return isn't a solution. I haven't been TOO badly victimized. I didn't deserve what bad stuff I did get. But more ugliness and negativity....what will that solve?

It's not for me to say what people should do.

I'm not being pessimistic--this is a message of hope! It means we people have power in us....it's up to us to create our OWN karma and justice in THIS life.


.....more on this later......

I am in the mirror
far away there's no one
to fear
and it could have been me
on those occasions
I escaped.....
my vision blurry but
I'm out, again

I hear the breathing
I sometimes can
I don't want to listen

summer new version

gotta boast this is golden! thank you you know who you are even though I don't agree with all your views you somehow shined on this and this song is just cherry! been working on it since april or may....getting there really!!!!!!!! finally





are you trying
to drive me crazy
or is it me maybe
i'm just lazy
it always comes down to me
down to me
will I be free?

have to not
not think
too hard
not think
there you know there's a reason
oh you must know
there must be

the truth hurts
why do you want to hear it
you know the leaves are
turning green turning green
the trees are turning pink
and summer will come oh
will
he's mine and I live for the sun
oh

you know it's you
or me be free
be free
have to be
has to be
help me oh
sorry help me

noise?

this could mean
what is it?
you're the tree I dance around
they know nothing
it's all noise
forgive me
must be meant to be
all mercy what's bright getting brighter

cause you're the noise that
fakes every sound
la la la le la le la

what does it mean
nothing could be everything
what is it now?
you're a fallen star
all around, dust surrounds you
shiny and dull, everywhere


they know nothing la la la le
oh what can I do
la la la la la
what can I do
will I be released
my blood it leaves
everything seeps
fallen star, dust all around me
mercy, fallen will you remember?
can never be through
can you remember?

All

all these things
come your way
I'm burning now





what I needed
is what I thought
falling over me
red silver dust
must be divine
this thing that's mine

hot and cold
water and fire

give me wings again

I'm going out, going out for a night
do I feel fear?
it stabs away at the sides of my head
mirrors that are splintered
it's love, a mask, breathe

could be

it could be me
you know it could be
you know it could
I might be free
this time



and now
what I would wish
the world is mine


every time you know I get
you know I get this way
I get this way
my lovely friend
til the end would I stay til then


oh all is fine
that I would wish
what turns to bliss
all that's shiny pouring down
all this bliss
kissed all around

oh oh oh oh oh oh





this time
it was you
oh oh it was you
all that was tight
gets tighter
all that was light getting lighter


had to sometimes run away
would be better if I stayed?
was bright what was light all my
world goes black to white





it's all mine
all that I would wish and
oh what's this
all this the
world is mine
all all will come back with time
could have been crushed
so easily
all that was heavy
fell over me


and you know what's love
should happen, has to once
couldn't have lost no not all
no not all



oh oh all is fine
oh all this could be mine all that
I would wish
this little bliss what
couldn't be
if it wasn't for me




it's pink it's pouring down
pouring down oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh

getting crazy oh you know getting hazy

narrow escape
fun, fun around the corner
everything gets brighter
as does this street
and I saw you
and I'm free, just had to be
we can be free
just hold on to it
we can be free all of
ours is the world
we're free now
free now
free is love
love is free
it's ours this light
is out tonight
all that's bright, our own star
this world, all that's ours
and we're free

more lyrics....???? name?

you
me
you know we could be
you know we could be

from the same place

from the same place

you know we could be

oh oh get out of here somehow
coming near
nothing left to fear

well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down
not too far

the street was dark
but the light was on
who you running running from

what I meant to say

you know I had to be free

I had to be

what was meant to be

and it's them or me

them or me

them or me

and you know it could be

and you know it could be

more than a little of me

right this way you know it's coming

is it me is it free

and you know what I say but I won't say it

you know I won't say

well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down not too far


the street was dark but
the light was on
who are you running from?

had

and was supposed to meet b--- and asked him if he wanted to come into the dunkin donuts where they have the internet.....as my computer had broken. he said, "I just smoked a joint I can't go into dunkin donuts that's like a total buzzkill....." I don't know how many lines later that am late he drove me home...where I'd just moved in. I brought him in past my roommates, said hello, went downstairs to my room, where he sat staring blankly at the wall. I said I had to shower....be right back down. Showered, guess I took my time....when I went to my room he was gone. I texted him....????? A couple days he got back to me. "When I'm really high....I had a panic attack and couldn't sit there. I can't be around anyone...."

fell asleep in my room had no work for a while.....then at 3:33 am my phone rang. it was b---......can he come by? I needed cash at the time badly.....went upstairs to the living room where I sat and waited....at least he's pretty reliable. He shows up just as my roommate is getting home.....this is jarring anyhow....at the time it was. I went out to meet him and asked him to wait. he started yelling "I am not going to wait here! You pay rent here why do you let your fucking roommates push you around no one tells me what to fucking do..." and was really yelling. I was getting a little scared....plus he was ...I had never seen him drunk before. Somehow...I got into the car with him. He was driving super fast and at one point I thought, I'm going to die....he was screaming....

so I didn't die and we got to Queens. Vodka had a different effect with him than stimulants. He said he got bad vibes from the place I was in. He hated the area I lived in. He said there were too many cops looking to bust people.......



more later.....

more random stuff

rain cold cut my eyelid stupid bike bounced off the stairs against my eyelids just millimeters away from my eyeball and me needing stiches....
my friend said these injuries are badges of honor....
feeling love, but also lonely....frustrated, jealous, trying to let go let go trying.......
cafe i pass on the way to and from home, now late, 3 am or so, mercilessly cold and raining with endless cold drops of water hitting me, my legs, not well protected or covered...only wanting to get out of it...the rain.....this awning banner says her name....it's flapping in the wind...I think is it a sign or am I reading too much into things? There is no place on earth I think more remote, ugly and lonely than Flushing Avenue, in Brooklyn. My friend was nice to give me this bike...one of the few nice things he did for me...well, he made me coffee. A few nice things. I have to try to think of that. Ok, at times. Ok. Other times I was hurt by his behavior but he did this.......
So that's why I don't completely leave....

Out here every bone in my body aches, the cold scratches away at me. I was sick for days afterward. I wore myself out. Finally indoors I am grateful for warmth, shelter.

things, here and there

so i focus on the big unsolvable problems well i won't say unsolvable but big....but it's easy to forget the small things of day to day life. here are some, in mine, along the way.....

sitting in what was cafe figaro with a friend of mine, back in high school. you could still smoke in restaurants then, and me, little tramp! did. i got ashes in some french fries and he said it was vile....

taking acid at sixteen and seeing myself in a rhinestone studded black shirt in the mirror, with my boyfriend at the time. he said, you're so pretty, and look at me. then going through thompkins sq park which was not then what it is now, and the trees suddenly looking like they were going to eat me, or tease me....like in candyland, the game I played with my parents as a kid. someone gave it to me for my birthday...I was like one or something, and whispered to my mom, it's really boring. my mother kind of laughed at that....

playing candyland which WAS really boring, even for a one year old....

then in the park at sisteen, second time i took acid, the same feeling ....reminded me of that game where we moved our pieces on this curly walkway with different color squares around the board.....feeling like I'm on this twisted path here there then I'm gone to the other place.....will I ever get out? and there are bright colors and sugar but I may never get out and I have to get out....get out.....feeling myself sinking into something. I don't recommend lsd.

the first time i did acid at fifteen with my friends yaz and these two guys, staring at his psychadelic painting which was twisting and opening and leaking listening to jimi hendrix and not wanting it to end but knowing it would. talking to my dad on the phone....I"m at Tauno's house.....who????....tauno...he's uh, what's your number? fireworks going off above me. I managed to hide that I was high.....

finding a napkin at my dad's in Chicago with the name "tona"

the first thing I ever bought? i think I was five and bought m and ms from the local store.....

I had the record Saturday Night Fever.

The place we lived in at that age in Ohio....was haunted. I used to see things there. Say it was in my head, but I never in my life saw this stuff anywhere else. Until recently. I saw an alligator head staring at me in my room. I woke up to find myself in a jungle, then three creatures in my room telling me to come with them. I ran out of the room and shut the door. I could hear them. The cats were out in the hall with me. We had a neighbor who was allegedly into Egyptology. I told my mother about this years later, saying I heard stuff in the apartment. She said, I never told you this, but I think the upstairs neighbor was a hooker. I used to hear the bed at night, above us. I said that's not what I meant......

I would try to fly. I would jump off the bed trying to stay in the air. I didn't know why birds could and not us. Of course I always fell back down.

endless dreams of water. And of flying.

recently....going for a job interview at what turned out to be an escort agency, which was on a boat. The scene from Rosemary's Baby came to mind, where the guy was yelling, "Typhoon!" and the black guy tells her she'd better go down below. Then I meet these two guys, one white one black. I'm apparently supposed to fuck them so they can tell clients how good I am. THe black guy says aren't you going to show me your tits or something?

I didn't stay. Nor did I allow myself to be "tested."

When we moved to Evanston, around age seven, I found myself wandering around alone in the main part of town, and went into a little shop where I bought a small gift .....the lady explaining to me what tax is.....

Today, on the train, this Orthodox woman and her three daughters. They intrigued me. We smiled at eachother. The girl in particular....she knew I wasn't feeling ok. That I was bothered about something.

Lake Michigan in winter, in Evanston, where I lived from ages seven to twelve......it was brutally cold but beautiful. The lake would turn to rainbows and reflected silver. We were knee deep in snow, walking to school.

This year, going to under st marks flipping saying to a friend i need to talk to you and tripping over one girls foot who called me a crazy bitch and the willie nelson look alike thinking i meant him....

an Indian restaurant which I've gone to for the last ten years or so...where you can get chai tea for $1,

A purple sparkly bag I bought for my mother's birthday present today..........

being up at night and asleep during the day.....where I feel a constant urge to collapse.....

going to donate blood and being told I'm anemic and need iron.

A French restaurant where I went with my mother and sister and Sonny where we got steak frites....yeah I feel guilty eating meat but that's the problem with Eurpean food it's not vegetarian.....

check out this link

http://www.luciferianwitchcraft.com/dolls.htm


The waning moon is here the time for dark magick....left hand path.....

I am not a satanist or necessarily left hand path magician but as a creative person and someone who's dealt with many a dark side of life and E-V-O-L let it be said I relate...this saves, this purifies.

To die over broken heart, to end your own life. I would slit my wrists in the bath tub, in a hotel in Paris. If I were going to end it, which I'm not. But what better way to go?

Sylvia Plath gassed herself, but I don't understand....why put yourself through such a horrible thng? That must be excruciating.....

My friend who's a doctor said wrist slitting doesn't work, because before you bleed to death you clot and the blood stops. She said the way to do it is to go for the throat. But a woman's nature is to always be beautiful, even in death.....I suppose that's why women don't shoot themselves.

That and poetic.

must be

ours is the map of the world
we have only to jump over
mine is here
all my heart
is dripping blue, bleeding red
by this hand I'll be led
be led
this light could be string
without you it's nothing

all this could mean nothing
you're the brightest flower
tree that I dance around
they know nothing
it's just noise
forgive me
forgive
mercy
meant to be
mercy

escape

narrow escape I
wanna have some fun IV
didn't know if I would IV
didn't know IV
the door opened ii
a light, so bright iii
narrow escape
free free

all will

all will drive you mad if you let it
I was dragged apart
could have been
could have
I get crazy dramatic
imagine my death in Paris
when the world you win isn't enough
let it come your way
has to has to
fall over me fall over me
what other way

what better way
so I thought
I thought I needed this
I thought
love love falling over me
what I need
love love falling over me

woman in love, in hell and heaven both
hot and cold
alone, and still breathing
still dancing
I dance I live
not the first not the last

freed freed again

more on this

a part of me says....certain aspects of all religions have worked for me and others haven't. so once again i find myself having to start from scratch.

i'm not religious. i'm not spiritual, even. i've spent enough years in therapy.....once again some things worked and some didn't, there.

on reincarnation: keep in mind this is just my opinion. I think most people's past life regressions are psychological and related to their past in this life. I think so much of it is beating oneself up. I won't say I don't believe in it. But there you are.

I had one incident when I was in London, of deja vu. Really strong, in this one neighborhood I was in. I just felt like I'd been there before. It could mean anything. Maybe it's a film or picture I saw. Or I was really there.

This one woman I know said she visited cities where she knew the streets and her way around. In a place she'd never been before.

It's hard to say. I feel like we have one shot at it and this is it. There is good and bad out there. Then again, that's me and how I feel now. I won't go into all of this....but there's a start.

on what i wrote...

so I've been doing a great deal of yoga and meditation and started studying the occult and gnosticism....

i've been learning the importance of breathing and yeah that's changing everything for me.

it's cheesy...but I've learned self love is the important thing, and to forgive....let others have their freedom, and to be humble. it's easier said than done.

my yoga is intuitive and personal. i've read books and heard others' philosophy....no time to go into this here, but some worked for me and other stuff was counter productive. some was disastrous. i had to work my way out of that. i don't believe you have to follow any religious doctrine. you don't have to "believe" anything. i've learned to listen to my own thoughts. that can be lonely. you realize you're a trail blazer, and it's up to you. it's hard being the first. but i am. that's my life story.

i started dancing in the park. i got great results and have met many people in ways i never would have otherwise. slowly, it brought work my way. i still need more money. there's been good and bad. i've struggled with a lot. it's not over.

i'm thankful for the help i've gotten along the way. i'm learning to trust you just have to take risks.
i'm working on it.

beware girls with curly hair.....WANTED NOT WANTED

apparently I'm banned from every bar on 14th street and coyote ugly....for spending too much time in the bathroom. I did my stretching exercises in one and .......now I can't get in. Ironically, the one bar where I am still allowed I did more than that ......more like the tango with two spanish guys.....so go figure......

they should be thanking me and girls like me. Feminism aside, men come there to meet us and buy us drinks and we bring in business. And I have bought drinks from these places. So I'm not proud to admit this but at crocodile lounge i found a ticket on the floor for a pizza and used it to get one.....yeah I guess I'm a sleaze.

other places to do you know what: creative?

the bushes in the stuy town buildings
the stairwell in the projects
the weeds next to the BQE
behind the gates in the subway
the dressing room at the Gap (that's my favorite)
the bathroom at Au Bon Pain
parking lot in the projects


not that I'm recommending this

so while "love evol" is spiraling and snapping into craziness upon fucked up ness at least.....I mean they must think I'm hot.....and I don't know what to do in this situation and I've been meditating on it a lot. In my other days I would have ......I can't take this and I can't leave it.

So I've let a lot go. I was really mortified and humiliated about the bar situation, but it's just not worth getting worked up over it. I met other people, other places.

It's lonely sometimes and I wish.....