essex st continued

excuse that this is a rough draft.....

so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?

No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....


so.....digressing.

FICTION FICTION

I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.

I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.


ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.

what i want?

Someone asked me my "goals." Yes I do have them. I don't just float around la de da....


what i want

movie roles : work with Quentin Tarantino, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorcese, there is a multitude of great directors but .....

commercials

better paying gigs

better love life where we see eachother at least once or twice a week, are loyal no bs no third parties or head trips, are loving, honest, mutually giving

finish songs and have a demo, then recording contract

better dance technique

more dance performances around the city with backup dancers,

better singer, be a



travel to colombia (really all of Central and South America), *LA*, france, berlin, for starters

to drive, get a car

speak better French, German, Spanish

more money more money catch up on debts, totalling a few grand

finish tax stuff

health insurance......mail, letter, ect ect

better headshots

role in a shakespeare play

dance, acting classes

get rid of old emotional garbage (God knows i try)

better face cream

renew gym membership

be better read: Love in the Time of Cholera; Shakespeare....Othello, Twelfth Night; try to get through Being and Nothingness, Henry Miller

write? hmm.....script, memoir or beginnings of....

to find out what's going on, as something is. and what the hell is it?



THAT yeah, I know, have to get to the bottom of that....

The top rune represents a force that works for you. Gebo means gift, and like any gifts, the rune may be understood on many levels. Gifts are generally positive things, for both the giver and the recipient. In many cultures however, gifts and favors carry with them an obligation to respond in kind. It is for this reason that gifts, and hence the rune Gebo, are frequently symbolic of friendships, marriages, alliances, mergers, and other bonds between people or organizations. Gebo is a strong rune and the unions represented are strong as well. Moreover, Gebo is not reversible, as true friendships are not easily undone.

fiction.....essex st or ludlow?

late late.....please. I pray. In the bathroom stall at one of these bars.....outside in the bar stools....some frat boys, couples. not me. I need to make money. I pray. This must work. I know this works. I need money. Let me meet someone. I can't go into all of this.....
I go out, I'm in a skimpy little exercise outfit, and yes I see the looks in their eyes. I'm a whore to them. To them. They don't know me. They'll never know me. And that is sad.
no....no I don't pick up guys on the street. I know nothing about that. God knows i'm not a streetwalker. But should I be? I'm doing something wrong. There must be......there must be..... What am I doing wrong? I'm still pretty. I'm great. Where's the money? If I do descend .......if I did....I'd be lying by a pool somewhere in Switzerland.....waited on hand and foot. Or if I'd stayed there, the same. I'd have a guy who's young, cute AND rich. Who worships my baby pinkie. I should tell ---- that. This is what I gave up....well I didn't entirely. But I'm not there, I'm here. Somewhere I made that choice. I'd live well otherwise....and die of boredom. So I choose to stay on the LES poor. But I don't have to be. Right? Did I make the right choice?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What can I be more than sorry?
But thank you also. To whoever, whatever . Thank you. That I'm still here, that the girl next to me stopped cracking her knuckles, that.....

Most people don't know me. But I'll let you in on a piece of myself, that I never have before. I've learned to forgive. And I mean a lot. Or maybe there's nothing to be vexed about the way I had thought. Really I've been blessed. In so many ways. It just never felt that way. What you send out to the world is what comes back. I didn't think that way before but now I do. So, cheesy as it may sound, I try to send good out to the world. I never intended to do otherwise, but I did. Have I done stupid things? A multitude. But when things were great I didn't know they were. So now I should.
So if I'm a whore to them, then...... hell, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Really, they're jealous, of my, of others' sexual power. So let me use that as well.

The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand.

The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.

ha! they know what they're talking about

I quote from Magi Astrology:

[URANUS OPPOSITION YOUR CHIRON]
Activation: ROM/R= -120. SEX/R= +50. CMPT/R= -150. INFIDELITY CLASH. This clash can be a problem if you are contemplating a serious relationship with this person. When a couple has this Clash, the chances of infidelity are increased because of the adventurous and independent nature of Uranus. You should also beware of having even just an affair with this person. If you are married or committed, but are looking for a fling, this person is not the one. This Clash often gives this person both the ability and the desire to bring turmoil into whatever other relationship you already have.


It's vice versa two with us....both ways

Fort Greene in the news....

This neighborhood doesn't get its due, but now the Times wrote up the Farmer Deli....


I'm telling you this is no exaggeration.....

so.....open mic in bushwick and sexual harassment

this neighborhood is......less than fabulous, to be honest. but this open mic at the bookstore something is amazing! this is absolutement for me. I can feel better about my singing/songwriting cause there are others here at my level. I will write more on this when I have time to meditate but I am so happy to have found my element in this scene. I am love. An art star? I don't label myself. I am just me. But this is my crowd. Kind of frightening....to have that shown to you!

So this was supposed to be songs based on a book you read. Naturally I modeled my song after Sylvia Plath's Ariel book. But I wrote this before I'd heard of this event. Foreshadowing? Sylvia Plath is awesome and I'm not even into poetry. I would have fucked her and I'm not even into women.....that's how fabulous she is!!!!

the

rival

there's you there's me
we could be both
from the same mirror
there's nothing to fear

you are the one I have to face
I can't be erased no no
was I too late
was it my fate

does the moon pull me
am I like jello, like the sea
can I be set free
do I want to be


I'm the other
the thing on the side
when will it be mine
will I live, will I still live


the sea pulls me
the moon owns me
I am in the mirror
far away there's
no one to fear

did they trick me
can I be set free
do I want to be


everything is split in half
this cracked egg is all I have
when there's no one around
you make a display
can anyone see it?

the moon is pulling me
it never really owned me
you made me your enemy once
if that's the way you want to go
could this be what you know


where are they
who are they with
I shouldn't worry
I'm in no hurry me or them
me or them

spying?

just when i think i'm alone
there you are
i'm far from home

you think you can escape
think again
maybe you're my friend
maybe i'm beautiful
will there be an end?
will there be an end?


i know you're going away
ready to play

can you be free
is there no escape?

difficult bitch

i'm a difficult bitch
don't get in my way
i'm a lying witch
so don't get in my way
i've had a bad day

i had to try
to get it back
had to try
had to try

i'm a crazy bitch that's what they say
yeah that's what they say
then i get lazy
then they want to play

then i get lazy
i'm a crazy bitch
a crazy bitch

then i get them
then i don't want them
if i get him
will i still want him

i'm in the mood
so don't fuck with me
just let me be
can't you see i'm feeling crazy lazy.....

the past week?

oh.....extreme ups and downs. Pretty accurately what was predicted. Where do I even begin? Why did all this happen? I wish I knew.

I somehow ended up doing a photo shoot with these guys I had met on the street.....I know what you're thinking. I don't do this normally. But ....we bonded. There had been girls there as well. Somehow I ended up dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Semi dressed. Really would like to find those pix.

can be

this way
going going back that way
here to stay
in every way
la la la


you know it would be
you know if would be


what is my wish
what is my wish

oooooh

so much is going on things are crazy stressful and.....

I want to write more but have been up 36 hours but am wired now I just want to unwind and not think about anything!

I went to a Bhuddist temple for the first time yesterday. It is beautiful...not that different from a church. Except they use the oranges and do the bowing thing with the incense....awesome. My fortune was good. I need it. I deserve it. And I must sleepy sleepy, for now.

watched pot never boils so I'm not watching the pot

do i need to increase my electrolytes i think that's what i need to do
my vibrator broke this is a terrible catastrophe i shit you not as is my sex life or lack of one .............last "date" a disaster.....I mean from hell the crypt and beyond..................this guy was obsessed with fat women....I don't know why he wanted me..................I mean, I don't think I'm fat. Then these women's men were......ugh. I just couldn't. I tried to keep my mouth shut cause.......then it was too cold in the room and I was getting sick and I lost it then........

so my lack of fulfilling sex has me extremely edgy now....that plus well on the up side it's a waxing moon time for creativity and money money coming down....that's the benefit so why complain? Not the first time money and sex were tied together, no pun intended......

you hear that people get crazy on a full moon. Well, it happens on a new one as well, and it was crazy loony in manhattan this weekend. There were cops on horses in riot gear as crowds spilled out of the clubs in Chelsea, and as I was walking to the train from work these people closing up a restaurant said to me, "I'd be careful going over there....." thus why they were ending early. Kind of brought me back to the RNC protest days, or recently when I lived in Bed Stuy....but it's not supposed to happen in Manhattan, where we're supposed to be safe.

But I wasn't, last night. I wore a sundress and these guys on a garbage truck were yelling at me.....I just don't want to repeat it. Then I had other men try to come after me. I got to sleep at 4:30 am only to be woken at 8am.

performance what a headache

so now I'm focused on putting new material and projects together.....I'm trying to get permission to perform something from a book; it's an exhausting run around.

once again it's been forever......

I went on something of a hiatus but I'm back now. I was sick for 36 hours but better now--so many changes are happening in my life and I slept a full 8 hours last night for the first time in about 5 years! And I ran into an old friend.....funny--I saw his name carved into the sidewalk the day before and that could be seen as a message.....

as for now I'm writing more songs--carrying my notebook everywhere with me--

and looking for a place on the ues as well---anyone know of one?

And I'm having amazing sex.....(covers mouth....oops)....

I love this

"According to old French and German beliefs, only a girl who is “pure” can blow back into life a candle that is sputtering and dying."

I recently increased the fire in a waning candle someone else had lit. Hmm

new lyrics (title.... royal one/could be)

everything I do I do for you
you know you know you know
i do it for you
everything (or could be) I'd do I would you know I

you know i could you know i could

would you know
everything
for you
i would be blue i would be
I it you know I do it you know I do it you know

you're hot you're hot you're hot you're hot you're hot
wet wet wet wet wet
the bed is blue
i would you know I would
the bed the bed the bed is blue wet and blue

you know i am a royal one

everything i do i do for you

i would you know i would you know
could be
could be me you know could be me you know
for you

everything you know
i do it for you
is it me am i wearing a mask
could be
everything you know

got down there
gotta head down there

it's only me
you know it's only me
for you
see me only see me
would you know
for you

the truth is all around you
it's underneath you
only me i'm swimming only me i'm swimming

i'm drowning swimming

Been forever!

I've been silent but not absent. So much has been happening.....I'm moving for the billionth time, to the upper east side (cross fingers!). I've been subletting, and the recession has helped with rents but it's still hard. People assume you have scads of money falling down on you from the sky! I do, but I'm still not parting with it THAT easily. I'm not a big spender, in general.

As for lately, there's been good and bad--things and people. I won't go into that now. You live and learn. I'm moving on.

It's easy to get confused, and I'm trying to be less. Also, I'm writing songs again, and auditioning--and running through Central Park every day, why I want to move to this area. Before, I was taking the train from Brooklyn every day and it was getting really tiresome--even though train rides were a nice time to myself (that's where I get a good deal of reading done) it also took over my days--being 3 or 4 pm by the time I was finished and home. Not practical.