For Yetta Kurland for City Council '09

Yetta's awesome and so was this event 5/31/08. I'm SO glad I got to go except my makeup was a disaster. But whatever--this event was not about makeup. It worked for the stage and camera, though. The "energy" was fantastic and it was all great and brilliant. I will be uploading some videos to youtube but am having problems with the conversion process.....

various rants

Sitting in a coffee shop there's someone, a girl/woman, with a book open that's been heavily highlighted. She's writing extensively in a notebook. I envy anyone who can take notes like that, I never could. My notes ended up looking like the bottom of a chicken coop. Besides, when someone is writing in a notebook next to me it becomes very frustrating--like I want to know what they're writing about. What heavy drama is in their lives that I'm missing? Most of the time I know nothing about anyone. There's so much going on around me that I don't know of.

I've been so lucky I've had really cute, amazing guys I met .... and had incredible experiences I wouldn't have otherwise. I can't deny that I have had other not so great ones. But I can have....so much fun with a person and not be ripped apart by all the drama that comes with "dating." Here, everyone's up front about it. There's no pretending-- about anything! It's a real relief.

more me

Some new pix of me not to be narcissistic but I worked hard for these and the nude.....well it just looks so damn good. The other ones are me with my hair blow dried straight which I seldom do anymore in this one it looks like I'm throwing up.......................just kooky, right?

you're the best

amazing night. you're gorgeous. I wish I saw more of you.

my poem

psycho charger
I wish you were here
come into my nightmare
it's better with you here
we're meant to be it's true
that's why I never see you
still you were the best sex I had
the only true one for me
at least then you were
the only time the only thing
you still come into my mind

Videos

I'm obsessed with this video by the Utah Saints....



I have to go to Cardiff!!!!!!!!!!



Also this amazing group Berlin from the early 80s....this video Masquerade.............



And Felix da Housecat....Harlot



I listened to that song non-stop while I was in Egypt.



fucking genius!!!!!!!!!!

They're All Gonna Laugh at You

Last night I went on a Youtube binge and watching various Charlie Rose interviews....have to see more of that. There IS some good TV out there. And I watched the prom scene from Carrie, a film I was obsessed with. That and Dressed to Kill. Brian de Palma is an unbelievable director....
But now I can't get that out of my mind.

Eight Belles

This poor horse Eight Belles
lost her life in a horrible way and my heart goes out to her. I hope she's in a good place. This is really painful and it's haunting me.

have to put this out there

if I disappear, it is most likely this person: 646 436 3855. Whatever you do, avoid this number if you ever come across it. This person has been texting me and calling me even though I told him not to, and he showed up near where I live. Thank God I didn't give him my address, my real one. I'm hoping he'll eventually give up. I'm forced to take action on this.

Obsession and Sexual Captivation

It's been so long, so long, the years go by and I can't.....I can't shake it off me, can't stop thinking about him. Others have come and gone--but he's always there. It's been nearly two decades. What does that make this? It has to be the real thing.
So the chart comparison says we're not "meant to be" I mean it's disastrous but I can't I can't I can't separate myself I just can't because according to it he "captivated" or "trapped" me he sure as hell did. I have been so stupid. I can't believe how stupid. I wasted scads of time and energy. But it's the past now.
I am in DC and don't want to leave. What's there to go home to? The endless stress and caring for the cats as much as I love them they wear me out. I can't abandon them. But it is nice to be away.
I visited Arlington Cemetery and Kennedy's grave and it made me think of him. There are all these wholesome non-New Yorkers everywhere here it's kind of nice, soothing. The atmosphere here is much more gentle, despite the fact that there are a few "New York moments" like this guy who stuck his head out of an SUV and screamed at the car in front of him, "Move motherfucker! What the fuck!" and was slamming down his horn....and a woman said, "Someone needs anger management classes!" But back to Arlington.....I saw one tombstone with the name DavidGE or something, and right behind it BlackBD or something.....so put them together......
and I felt like this presence and suddenly, I said, "Leave me alone ..." and the voice says "I'm going to rape you now...." I started--I burst out laughing, then remembered I was by myself among tourists in a cemetery....
I mean, it's stressful staying in a hostel and not knowing anyone really--but I don't miss coming home to dirty litter and shit all over the place that I have to clean no matter how exhausted...and the first floor apartment I'm supposed to move into that's not finished and the constant bad smell and just all the ....my mother--I love her but she gets so neurotic about the dumbest things--and just everything. ..............working with X who if I'm so obsessed I may as well.

all

these guys want revenge, maybe on women who reject them. "Unwanted attention" is the definition of sexually harassment. Without a doubt I was sexually harassed there. I believe in the concept of free speech and I'm sex positive, at least I thought I was. But that doesn't mean I find everything in the business or what's published to be good. But it's a chicken and egg thing. Art holds a mirror up to the world. Why are these bars and clubs in the middle of nowhere? Someone once asked. I'm mortified, humiliated.....if I'd been raped actually it wouldn't have been so bad, hardly different. What was I doing? I was breathing, that's it. Yeah, I want to get fucked really badly, that is why I screamed at this guy to get away from me.

another incident

You can fault me for this and you probably will. I went into Alibi around 3 AM or so because I was having a difficult day, was out of wine and wanted one glass, or two. I have gone in there alone, like last night, met decent people and had a good night. Really all I wanted was to have a drink and go to bed. Yes, it was 3AM but I wanted to go, and I wasn't high or drunk, and I'd been there before. It was crowded in there. I paid for my drink, and while I was standing there a guy, about 5 ft 8, black, bald, with a black and white scarf, came and stood next to me. He said "Hi" and I didn't like his approach, so I said, I'm waiting for someone. He went away for a while, back to his buddies (interesting how these people are always backed up). I got my glass, paid for it, and went and sat down in a chair by the window. Then the same guy came up to me, and stood right over me, putting his leg on the step which led to where I was sitting. He was in my face, and I tried to ignore him. I finally said, after about a minute in which he wouldn't leave, "I would like to be left alone ok?" and he said, I have a right to stand here. He was leering at me, and I said, you're in my space, you don't have a right to be here. He still wouldn't move. He turned to his friend, a tall black guy with dreads, and said, "Am I in her space?" Of course, his friend said no. I said, get away from me now, I'm not fucking around. He still wouldn't. After asking him about ten times with him still refusing, I did eventually scream at him, as loud as I could, "Get away from me!" There was music playing, for what symbolism you can draw conclusions, Madonna's "Material Girl." I screamed again over the music, "Get away I'm not fucking around!" All he did was laugh and tell me I was crazy. I went up to the bartender and said, "I was just sexually assaulted this happened in your bar." Then I left, and stupidly, stupidly, called 911. I say stupidly because......I should have known it was this guy and all his buddies who'd back him up, their word against mine. But I said anyhow, ....I gave them the description and said what happened. I went back in there to see if he was there and the bartender, a white Irish (I think) guy, was standing there smoking. I said, "Do you realize I was assaulted and this happened in your bar?" Then he got hostile at me and said, "Then why are you coming back?" I said, don't I have right to be here, or something like that. He asked me, "Did he touch you?" And I said, he almost did. He said again, did he touch you? And I said, does he have to? He was approaching me and wouldn't back down that's a form of assault. I said finally, "So just because I'm a woman doesn't give him the right to do this, even if it's 3AM or whatever the hell time it is, he has no right.....nice to know this is the world we live in...." then I walked away and the men and one woman, all of them, were laughing. I started walking up dekalb ave back to this dump that I'm moving out of....and I got a call on my cell. I picked up, and it was the police. They said, you called to make a complaint....and I said, you know what, it's useless. No one will believe me. And it's true. They were calling me crazy. The woman on the line said do you want the police to help you or not and I said, no, forget it. It's them(all fourteen of them, men and women---yeah, fucking sick, right?) against me, I won't be believed. I hung up. You can fault me for that as well. What will ever be done about it? I almost mentioned Imette to those people, but didn't. It's a losing battle. I'll be called crazy and dangerous because, yes, I screamed like hell at this guy to leave me alone. Why did I do it? Because he wouldn't back away from me when I told him to. Does he have to touch me for it to be assault? For it to be harassment (it definitely was that)? This is not a "bad" neighborhood either--these are million dollar or multi million dollar brownstones. But I'm done with being here--done. A friend told me how in pretty much this same area rapes would go on as a matter of course and be recorded, awarded really, with individual pegs on a telephone pole. This was back in the 60s and 70s. I asked how many pegs were on this pole? He said, the thing was ready to topple over. So this--I mean does he have to bruise me, stick his dick in me, even touch me for it to be assault? Do I have to wait for that? So this bastard, this sicko, will walk free and be rewarded, by men and women apparently, for his behaviour. Congratulations America. This is the society you've created.
What was I wearing? Jeans and a sweat top, no makeup and ugg boots. I don't dress up, really. Oh, I was a temptress all right......
Women won't sympathize, or men, or ....well, yeah, some will. But I know I'll get, "Well why were you out alone at 3AM? You really shouldn't do that. Don't you know it's dangerous?" Uh--well, gee, no I didn't. I'd been out before and this didn't happen. I will NEVER go back to that place, and I don't want to be in this fucked up neighborhood any more. I have to say it. I thought it had redeeming qualities--it does, but it's been too much hell, too much pain, and I'm not safe anywhere, there's no refuge, there's no one to turn to--there's nothing. There's nothing for me here. I thought Fort Greene was for me--but in light of this, it's not. Where is there? Is it "my" fault that I went into a bar at 3AM? Was I teasing these men, asking for it? I went in there because I needed to get away from where I live, because due to circumstances here I'm not happy or comfortable here either. I went to this same bar last night and it was a good experience. I can't believe I tipped that dirt bag scum dripper of a bartender. Fuck him. Never again, no--I need to leave this place, this fucked up dirty overcrowded woman-hating polluted city I thought it was for me but it's become death, really--or maybe this neighborhood hasn't been completely "converted" these guys were malicious and up to no good but they put on one hell of an act when they need to so nothing will be done to punish them. This guy will go on to rape assault and whatever else and--maybe after he's raped someone or several people then something will be done. I apparently have to be lying on the ground bleeding to be believed. It's a woman-hating world--this plus the film I did but no one will believe me. I'll be made out to look like the bad one. It's pointless. But I can't go on this way. I can't go on here. I won't live in a place where my pain and degradation is someone's entertainment. No way. And the women who find this funny, like the one who was laughing, and I heard her, really laughing hysterically--well, then where will we ever go? That there's no excuse for.

horrible night, stupid "shoot"

I agreed to do an "s and m" film, if you want to call it that. I am not sure if I was assaulted or not but I was certainly coerced and manipulated. I guess it's funny, in a way. The guy got fed up with me and screamed in my face, "Get dressed and go home," then, as per usual, underpaid me. This guy looked and acted like a cop. Jersey City is the world's sewer. I used to live there; abysmal, fucked up, horrible place. Even Evanston was better. At least Evanston had a few good qualities. Worse, these girls who were working on the film were sitting there laughing hysterically after I left to get dressed. Not that it matters, but they were black (one) Hispanic (one) those were the main ones, then a white woman who did my make up. The white woman came and stood with me while I was getting dressed; why I don't know. Was she sympathetic or watching to make sure I didn't rob anyone? If she was seeming the first, she's a liar because she went later and stood with the girls who were laughing at me. The black one was the worst, her way of laughing (I'm sure it was at me) was particularly sinister and hateful, as if what happened to me was entertainment and like she was proud of it, glad that it happened. 38 Park Street, Jersey City is the address. I know I shouldn't lump people together, but considering that I was active on the side of those black lesbians who were attacked in the Village and (wrongly) sent to jail, as well as Sakia Gunn, this kind of treatment from another of that community was a real stab in the back. Also, I saw the People vs. Larry Flynt and I was sympathetic to him, and pro-porn IF and that's a big IF it's between consenting adults. I consented, on this film, to some things but not others. When I pointed that out, the guy screamed "Cut!" and then got in my face saying, "You don't say that! You don't need to say that!" then later he was screaming at me, "You're causing problems!" I know it's pointless to argue or fight. No one will take my side, or if they do, they may use this as part of a crusade to ban pornography. I mean, I believed in certain people whom I link to this whole affair; then this happens and it makes me feel like I've made a fool of myself. It's the worst kind of betrayal. And I can't trust anyone at all. I wish I could. One of these days I'll look back on this and laugh. But now I just know I wasted my time and money, as well, and it's sheer good fortune I didn't lose much more. I'm grateful for that much.

more obsession that's lasted half my life

strangled by this but I can't get rid of it. I asked two psychics who both told me he's wrong for me plus the software said the same thing but I can't stop thinking about fucking him it's really treacherous I try to think about other things I really do.....he was painfully gorgeous I can't BELIEVE what an idiot I've been I was the real thing the prize I hung out with..........ugh ugh I could have had him and he could have had me................so D is "the one" according to everyone and MA D who sent pictures of his dick to my cell phone (that's proof right there isn't it, only true love) and asked me if he had a nice penis and said he wanted to rape me...........but not O still I can't get O out of my mind..............so what terrible thing will happen with me and O it said something about us both being coo--cooo......no I'm not kidding. he he

I had this dream that I hurt my knee and there was this open sore really gruesome and I was screaming, then I was in a rocking chair with my cat. so...........

madly wildly obsession possesses me

I am madly wildly REALLY attracted to O I went to the protest on his birthday thought it was symbolic but I got a horrible itching in my crotch it's hard to write about I couldn't cheer could barely walk I thought I'd caught something it was painful I stupidly missed out trying not to get fat I went to the GYN I was so afraid I had an STD the doctor asked me if I was high.............it turned out to be a "ph imbalance" when I was called in to her office I thought, oh, God, here we go she's going to say "you have herpes clymydia gohnerreah crabs pid " I thought this is it I did that film and he insisted on no condom I thought, "you bastard" even though he'd told me he was clean.................so.....thank GOD it's not an STD my heart rate went back down to normal......so I had never had an itch like this before even when I caught poison ivy...............
For some reason I'm remembering these retarded "job interviews" I used to go on back when I actually worked job jobs. I went to Urban Outfitters once for an interview walked there cause at the time I had no money for the train, or something.............I was a mess she asked why I wanted to work there; and I said, "....um.....well.....I can get clothes" really not a good reply. I meant to say I love clothes and can get a discount there.......but you're not supposed to say that........really I was stumped........... she said "...........ugh..........I don't know what you mean by 'get clothes...'" I said, um, um....yeah I stumbled through that........then she said, "I'm choosing from many applicants......" and never called. What a train wreck I was. There's a reason I'm not doing those jobs, although I have in the past. I worked at Antique Boutique for a whole week once.

how will I get through this?

One of the unwritten rules on a set is don't talk about being tired, cause everyone is. But I'm so tired. I don't know how I'll get to class I just want to go to sleep. Plus I have to take care of all those blah things in life like laundry and bills. My body is falling apart.

harassment

Today it's been ........too many times to count. The last straw was when I went out to the store around 12:30 am. Some .......ok, one guy was heckling me. I walked by and ignored him. Then, as I was turning the corner to go to my place, a guy (white) got out of a cab and was saying to me, as I walked in the street to get away from him, "Hey, be careful in the street girl." He kept staring at me and I started to get nervous......then he went into one of the buildings. Then, two guys (black) turned the corner and were walking behind me. Call me paranoid, but since I was assaulted last year I trust no one. I called my roommate and asked her to stay on the phone with me. I went into my apartment, and saw the two guys walk away. I got a really bad vibe from these guys and could tell......one even looked like the one who assaulted me. My neighborhood is not bad; it was much worse when I moved in. But there are dicey areas nearby. Still--ok to their credit I have to say the cops do patrol these streets and keep a lookout. But I'm really sick of people, when I complain about this, acting like I"m to blame for living here, and say, "Well, why don't you just move?" or "I don't know why you haven't moved out of there.....long ago. Why do you stay there?" and "It's Bed Stuy, don't you know that's real rough you should get out of there......" I feel like asking, "Why don't you just move?" First of all, it's not that simple, and second, why should I? Why shouldn't women (or men) be able to walk around at any time or why should we be forced to pay ridiculous rents (and this block does have high rents).....when in other parts of the world the rents are low and the poverty extreme but this shit doesn't happen? Even my roommate doesn't listen to me or take me seriously when I say there's bad stuff out there, and makes it out to be my fault. I end up getting punished. Well, that's not right. The way things are done in this country--"gentrification" I mean I'm not a fan, but I also don't miss living in fear. And sadly, neighborhoods with higher rents are safer. My area happens to have bad spots. But the first guy who harassed me was white (not that it matters, but for the record) the others were black--they had no right, no fucking right at all. I live here and pay for this place, I deserve to live safely. It's still safer here than it was. But there needs to be zero tolerance, and no one deserves to be bothered because they go outside to the store after midnight. That's discrimination and it comes out of low and high places. So don't tell me we live in a post feminist world where we're all equal. Or rather, don't tell me I have it great and don't suffer discrimination except for a few minor kinks here and there (such as being followed and leered at every time I go home) or marrying a guy who cheats because I'll get pregnant/fat get bags under my eyes/worn down from endless breast feeding and diaper changing and the world is full of sweet young things who simply worship and adore my husband.......ya de ya de ya ..................then he's run off with one of them and I'm old/fat/with a kid/and a .....................humiliated and beaten in the worst possible way deja vu? -----no it isn't really happening I'm just making it all up and imagining it cause I have nothing better to do.............I've had a couple drinks now....................As long as I can't leave my house that's not equality. No, it's not right. I went out again, with a police whistle (I am well aware of the corruption of the police but in this situation there's no alternative) and was ready to raise hell because those guys who followed and threated me should not be out in the world. No, no--that's what I mean by zero tolerance. I won't live my life in jail--staying indoors after x time no--we should be able to meet the night head on. I'm a night person. I don't know if.........after I got my hair done I feel like I'm getting far more attention than ever. But no matter. I won't take it. No way.

Quit Smoking

I know, I'm intolerant. But for a reason. You're killing others, not just yourself. Also, I run and walk all over the city and what makes it unbearable is people smoking in the streets. I quit, anyone can. DO NOT SMOKE IF YOU HAVE PETS OR CHILDREN! You might as well just shoot them and get it over with. People would get vindictive toward me when I brought this up to them, in every way imaginable. I was forced to confront them, I didn't want to. It's just irresponsible, on their part. There's no excuse. It's just breathtaking what lengths people go to.

dreams

This week has not been good, so far. I'm hoping for a change. I had one of the more vivid of my dreams. I may be having these all the time, and waking up not remembering. The only thing that woke me from this was a loud noise. I'd really like to know what that is. What I dream about all the time is my mother and sister, rivers, lakes, boats crossing, islands, big wooden houses, hotels....I have a recurring one where I'm with my mother and sister in a wooden mansion going from room to room (bedroom) looking for one to stay in. Tonight I dreamt first that I was in my room and heard my dad's voice....I thought, he's trying to contact me. But then I remember what my ex said...that spirits take familiar shapes and it could be anything. I start praying, the room is dark, I shut my eyes and open them.....when I do I see a shadow figure of a woman (black?) in black meditating........then she disappears........then I'm on a train and it's making sounds.....the sounds of a train, and I see these women's faces appearing in the mirror over me, and I'm thinking they're looking at me through the reflection. I'm thinking trains are meditation? I don't know......hundreds of young women's faces, look at me and say....no, they're getting on the train, look into the mirror, and say, "World Trade Center." I'm kind of nodding off.....through the mirror somehow they're arranged so they look at me. Now I remember.....I dreamt before I was in a bar and my aunt was calling for me. Maybe my cousin was with her. Then I'm on the train.......ok, back there......and this girl and guy get on. The girl looks familiar, kind of heavy set. She tells the conductor, "We just drove all the way from California.....I don't know which way......" and the conductor points her the opposite direction the train's headed.......

oh oh

pessimistic me! NYE was decent. I went to a nice party with longtime friends, and got several happy new year and merry holiday wishes from people. So nice, really, to know people are thinking of me.


Which brings me to: I've been feeling really guilty that I've been short with certain people who deep down I care about, but who managed to get on my bad side lately. I don't want to hurt anyone, not them really, but it's hard sometimes to explain something to people and have them not understand a word of what you tell them. They are well meaning, I know. But they don't understand me or my decisions. What can I do?

On another note, music and dance are my obsessions. I watch videos and dance every day. I try to get to class every day. I work on monologues and dance every day. I managed to get them, though it's very tiring. Then I can't sleep, I'm too wired. I get to bed at 4 or 5 am then have to get up in a few hours.