Couple interesting links:


I bought a tarot deck recently and found this site where various artists designed cards. Some of these are gorgeous.

Also, this site Stargods

I don't agree with all, but it's informative.

What I deal with every day in Manhattan

This town used to be a haven for artists and other sort of left types from around the world. There was always the conservative element, but you didn't have to look to hard. Or maybe it was always this way, I don't know. I don't remember being harassed daily, or witnessing harassment literally every second, back when I was a teenager like I do now. It just feels worse, unbearable. It's all frat boys on the street, or the black and Hispanic counterparts (I don't mean this in a biased way, it's just how it is), walking into women, literally, on the street, hovering over us/them, leering, pretending not to hear us (like when I ordered coffee today; call me paranoid, but I stated what I wanted clearly....), making comments, or just shouting us down whenever we make a point.....it goes on and on....no it feels worse than ever. Sorry, but it doesn't change from one class group to another. It's harder and harder to find any kind of genuine or interesting people here....it's all frat boys and models. Dare I say I hate it here, and this is the neighborhood I grew up in, that I used to love, that I was so happy to move to. I want to write something positive, but after getting badly screwed over this week by a number of guys, and.....the thing is, so many of these women seem or are completely oblivious to what is actually going on. Denial? That doesn't even begin to describe it. Is it a survival tactic? Are they blocking it out? But that just makes it feel even more defeating. In the West Village, where I grew up, I deal with this daily. Combine that with the stories of mass rape by soldiers in Iraq, by women from there.....and I was nearly assaulted, again, on the subway platform, last week. To their credit, the cops took this guy away. But I need to get out of here. This was the only town I wanted to live in and now I can't wait to leave.

KEEP AMERICA PRO CHOICE

I am so disturbed that we have to fight so hard just to keep abortion legal....this just in from NARAL (and you expect me to be fucking patriotic when the leaders of this nation are telling me what to do with my own body?):



As you celebrate your independence and freedom this week of 4th of July, one more candidate is about to enter the presidential race who is bent on taking away a woman's right to choose: Fred Thompson.

Thompson joins a cadre of candidates who are clamoring to out anti-choice each other.

Mitt Romney has said, "I am pro-life and I support pro-life legislation.... I think the Roe v. Wade one-size-fits-all approach is wrong."

Sen. John McCain, who has voted anti-choice 123 times out of 128 votes on choice, has said "I do not support Roe v. Wade. I think it should be overturned."

And Sen. Sam Brownback has gone so far as to promise that he "will commit to helping end abortion in America...."

Don't be fooled - Fred Thompson is no better. During his seven years in the U.S. Senate, he voted anti-choice 44 times out of 46 choice-related issues. He has called Roe v. Wade "bad law" and received a 100 percent voting record from the National Right to Life Committee.

Anything can happen between now and the nomination, so stay up-to-date about where the presidential candidates stand on women's freedom and privacy.

Visit our website to find out where all the presidential candidates stand and then forward this message to your pro-choice friends and family.

This 4th of July, don't miss the chance to celebrate your freedom and independence!
My best, Nancy KeenanPresident, NARAL Pro-Choice America
© 2007 NARAL Pro-Choice America ®. All rights reserved.
Paid for by NARAL Pro-Choice America, www.ProChoiceAmerica.org, and not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. NARAL Pro-Choice America is a non-profit organization.We respect your privacy and will not share your e-mail address.

July 4 Pix

I did a fucked up July 4 thing, some pix....

High School Druggie

I was so bad, such a brat. But typical. I was sixteen; what does anyone know?

I was militant. A neohippie. Sort of. That mixed with female drag queen, and....I don't know. New Wave? Punk? I never identified with the Sex Pistols and everyone around me worshipped them.

I dropped acid all the time. I'd trip to Led Zeppelin and Srt. Peppers. Later I found out this was .....occult music. And I was flipped out on it. No wonder I lost it, then, briefly.

But ultimately it led to change. Why should I regret it? I was miserable beyond words at Stuyvesant. I was a bad student, hated school and didn't care about college. I was a long way off from that track. I wanted to perform!

So I switched to an alternative high school, took acting lessons, and became an actress. And fooled around with -----, who I later found out....I can't write about this here (whisper: dug up a skull, literally)....but he was the only one I'd been with who I ever felt anything with sexually......

Then I realized it's twenty, thity years later and I discovered punk.....but never totally meshed with that culture.

Then radical cheerleading.....


I never returned to drugs. Though I would like to try E again.....

music video

I am watching them obsessively. That and, let's see, Tyra Banks, and the Wimbeldon matches on TV, like when I'm on the treadmill. Partly to get through it. I got really fascinated by tennis, and watched the match between Serena Williams and the Russian girl Henin, something like that. These are like Amazon women, cool.

So some of the videos: Michael Jackson's Thriller, Madonna, all of them! particularly I love the Papa Don't Preach, and....Gwen Stefani....Janet Jackson....the guy in that video looks like someone I fooled around with last year.

nice/harsh?

I've been feeling guilty, like I'm too harsh or something, with myself and others. I was thinking maybe I'm having a bad reaction to someone, people who give off "bad vibes" and I'm thinking, is it me? I'm trying, really trying, to be nice, more compassionate, unlike the mentality I was raised with: get what you can, anyone who does wrong, has to pay.....you pissed me off so now you're gonna get it, that kind of thing. I'm thinking maybe what I was raised with was over the top, wrong. I was getting my stuff out of the locker, and this woman was standing right in front of mine. I said, as nicely as I could, I just need to get in there and get my stuff. I said, I'll be thirty seconds. I had been thinking I'm mean because I'm not open enough with other women. This woman is like, "Sure! You can take four hours for all I care." It was shocking. Why are women so nasty? What the hell did I do? If I call them out on their behavior, they just turn it against me. I'm the one with the problem, I'm crazy, this or that. I'd been thinking, is it me? and trying to change. Is this psychological terrorism, or just bitchiness? Between what happened with the Street Harassment Project where all these women teamed up to get the founding member out.....sororities, all the backstabbing (to be honest) and bitchiness I've encountered everywhere, really, I want to be friendly with women but you know this is what I get every time. It's always about them having to one up me, be better, somehow, show me who's in charge here.....always, it turns into some kind of deadly power struggle. Even when they smile to my face. It's so hard, it's such work, it's endless.....men pit us against each other, too. It's impossible to go out in this city now without facing harassment from men on the street, or come-ons, or judgement somehow. And I'd been made to feel so awful, like I'm mean, harsh, jealous, ect. I'm trying so hard to be nice, but so far it's led me into still more pain. Where do I go from here?

Someone in SHP once wrote about how we struggle so hard for positive change only to be brutally stabbed in the back by people we're trying to help.....and how....harsh again, there are better people to save and we should run the scumbags over, something to that effect. I don't want to be mean. But sadly, I've found that the struggle in any attempt at social justice is in realizing you're dealing with people who are not perfect, who may not be all innocent. Does that mean they deserve to be oppressed? Of course not.

I want to be forgiving, I don't want to walk around with anger and bitterness, et al. But the new philosophy and mentality I want to live with is one of compassion, and any religion that teaches otherwise is not one I want to go near. Still, maybe some people are really not worth saving, maybe they do deserve revenge. I can't let myself be hurt and even destroyed by someone who only lives for herself, who will never know what my life is like or any thing about me whatever, and yet feels entitled to make a judgment call or....always, always it turns to this, try to dominate me. When I stand my ground and refuse to take it, they somehow disappear, then they see themselves as the victims. It's never them, always others.

There were someone women in the feminist movement who tried to suppress any criticism of other women, or dismiss it, saying that women are really in solidarity together and united against sexism, and that to depict women in a negative light means you're negative, or that it will tarnish their image to the world and make it harder for progress to occur....things like that. It means not criticizing or openly saying anything that makes them less than a shining example of goodness. Well, wrongful behavior is wrongful, no matter who it's coming from, and I can't accept it or be silent about it. I can't lie to myself or to the world. This is the truth about what we're dealing with. The thing is though, I see that becoming equally negative is not the answer, so do I have to be cruel to be kind? Enough with the guilt?

losing stuff

That last entry was a little harsh. But I really don't want to be in a relationship....maybe at one point I dreamt about a white picket fence but now.....?



As it is, I've lost my ipod, my shoes, and my coffee mug all within the past two days. I nearly lost my cell phone but got that back, at least.

attack of the single woman?

I'm drunk and tired and maybe not up to going into this here, but this is a response to the new Time Out article with the same title. Now, being single is a threat, too. It's not enough or ok to just live our own lives? To hide is a crime. The attack?

Let me tell you something: I am not in a relationship, I DON'T want one....can't conceive of one. "Fuck buddies" is a term invented by men, to get free sex, sans responsibility. Society does not oppress women, nor is it the media: something non-living can't oppress. Men oppress women, men value youth and beauty in women, not intelligence or integrity. Sadly, though...I have to admit, integrity is good, but face it, it's hard to feel attraction to someone who isn't at least marginally good looking.

My birthday is coming up. I am getting older, but I still think I'm fairly attractive. But women are still dominated by men. Relationship, the ones I've been in, are a form of slavery. Prostitutes are mostly freer than respectable women. I used to think there was hope, that men would change, that they weren't this bad, but sadly .....well I don't think they'll change. We're deluded. I'm much happier not in a relationship.

on another note

This is the best Thai restaurant, in my opinion, that I've been to in NYC. Check out Royal Siam on 8th Ave between 22 and 23rd....Manhattan.

Another is Veselka on 2nd ave and 9th....

paranoia?

Ever wonder why there's so much stupidity out there? So much misinformation? How every powerful statement is followed by by a tidal wave of junk? Think again....


Is it crazy or is it too close to the truth? Why deny what I feel, people already know.

Me performing, on a lighter note

Random stuff. Garrett had a party and Alex and I performed.....it went pretty well.

To start the week on a happy note....

Hamptons polluter, sad, because my mother has a house in the Hamptons. And this was so hard to read....warning, not for the squeamish. Still, there is hope. It's an uphill battle, but it's there. I believe that.

music

Now that I got my new ipod I have heard music for the first time in forever! I'm a huge fan of Dot Allison/One Dove and all that trancey stuff like Banco de Gaia. If people listen to that here en masse like they do in Europe it's news to me. I'm not into hip hop or grunge or hard rock or what the standard American Music is except for the ...well bands like the Violent Femmes or the Talking Heads.

..

Not to compare, but I prefer Dot Allison's stuff to Bjork maybe just because Bjork comes across as an annoying snot nose....plus her alleged remarks about feminism made me mad. But also Dot Allison's stuff sounds more.....painful or someting. I don't know....I want to "like" people but DA in this pic also has the stargods look....maybe the niceness is all an act.

I'm super drunk now. I passed out and dreamt of Candyland (a creepy game....when I got it as a birthday present around age two or so, the woman who bought it for me whispered to my mother, "It's really boring." My mother thought that was funny cause it's like, that goes without saying. But Candyland seems almost....evil. My friend said it's a child molester game.....

then I dreamt of f and s and f became s then turned into a cone head....

butts out

I went to Prospect Park today and, quite frankly, the experience was ruined because of people smoking. This one woman was on a horse and chain smoking--I could smell it a hundred feet away and it was asphyxiating. It's rude and inconsiderate--extremely. I wish the city would ban it, because I was really enjoying the trees and fresh air--the smell of green, but couldn't--couldn't breathe at all. I particularly can't stand cigarette smoking in the morning--I just think smoking is rude. Especially in parks where people are running and there are animals everywhere--who are very sensitive to smells. It's piggish. I am really sick of immature behavior in general; I've had to deal with my fair share of it this week and even worse I have to suffer because of other people....I am constantly having to fight for respect in general. Why do people feel entitled to treat me however they want but don't look at themselves in the mirror, at their own faults? No more of this.

I just had to get this off my chest. It needs to be said.

I've calmed down a little bit

I know my posts get intense, but I guess I'm an intense person. Life is the same.

But the rain has soothed me a little. Today was like an oven and my room was hotter than an oven, or at least felt like it. I'm on the west side of the apartment, and the sun beats down into my window after about 1PM. What I don't understand is why my room, and my side of the apartment, was so cold in the winter, and is now so hot in the summer. I like the heat, and shut my windows at night, but this was too much even for me. Plus, my fan broke.

But on another note, I got a new free ipod in the mail after the one I had broke. I started running in Prospect Park which is rough at times, because it's so hilly, but it's so nice to breathe in grass and trees, and the park is beautiful. When I lived around there 10 years ago it was dicey....there's a good and bad side to most things I suppose. I'm going to be part of a dance there....plus probably going to the Mermaid Parade.....SO psyched! Moby was at the last one.


Here are some pix from a recent crazy audition, and this was crazy. All of us waiting in the rain by the seaport....


this rain is so welcome. I need to get out and enjoy it a little, after roasting all day.

terrorism psychologiqe?

I've experienced that ad nauseum in my life; what is written about in "Feminist Revolution." I've been personally attacked, physically and mentally, insulted, sneered at and snubbed. The hostility and bad vibes could slice the air. Was it that I'm simply too smart, and know or say too much? If I were an idiot, would this ever have happened? I'm smart, strong, attractive and a survivor. I take responsibility for my own faults and failures and I'm working to change that. But after everything that happened in the past two years I am still here, functioning, and didn't capitulate, as is usually expected. That threatens certain people.....

Was I censored? Even at the age of seven, ten, eleven? I think maybe....maybe people are born with certain personalities.

another feminist link

awesome and true! The Irish women's day....


as over there, can be done here.

Women Unfree Will Never Be At Peace!

animal rights link

Awesome web site with a ton of info on how to help animals....mainly which companies do and do not test on them.

nice legs?

Tonight I came home to find my front door left open. My roommate is out so I was afraid to go in there alone. My phone ran out of juice completely and shut off. We've been having this problem for a year now of inadequate security in our apartment, the landlord has done jack, and there is crime in this neighborhood (this is Bed Stuy). This guy was walking right behind me tonight as I walked home. I moved aside to get away from him (my pet peeve is people walking too close to me, especially from behind, or else not moving to let me pass) so call me paranoid, but this guy stopped in front of this building two addresses down from me, that has been nothing but trouble since I moved into this area. These people hang around there who are totally seedy and it's scary. Imagine about the worst, and that's what these guys are like. I think the guy who lives there is a major asshole for bringing these people around, and he doesn't have a right to do that, or to bring this upon us, the neighbors. This same guy in the street tried to ask me where "---" was I didn't understand. "I don't know...." I said and walked away from him. I was ready to yell out of say, "Ask a man," but I didn't want to get into it. I called Garrett from a pay phone and asked him to call the cops if he didn't hear from me in ten minutes. The cops aren't my favorite people but in situations like this it's all I can really do.

So, thank Heaven, my cats were ok, the place was ok, no one was there. That took 30 minutes out of the night, though. I don't know who left the door open, probably an accident, but enough is enough. I can't live this way. A guy in the street yelled at me, "Hey, nice legs" as I went to call Garrett. Another guy was smirking at me. Yeah, my life, my blood is fucking amusing to you? I refuse to go another day like this. Maybe I will move to Cali if I stay in this decrepit slime fucking pit of a country. I'm done. I'm done. I've said this before, but these problems don't exist in Germany, in Egypt, in so many other places. Maybe it's worse elsewhere. But you hear about how a woman shouldn't go out after 1AM or else she's asking for it, that kind of thing. Granted, it's not smart, but the burden shouldn't be on us. There are other alternatives to not going out, not wearing a skirt, or whatever. It's fucking not acceptable. It needs to end. These men talked to me like I deserved this treatment. No more. I'm done with this.