hiking

A week ago I went with Garrett up to Cold Spring in upstate New York. It's a super cute and charming town. We rock climbed and hiked.....which was exhausting, dangerous and scary.....but it was helpful to get out of the city for a day, into the countryside. It was really crowded, though.....as it was a Saturday. I did this on no sleep practically, as we had to get up around 5am. I've never rock climbed before and wasn't planning on that....you're taking a chance in this place and people have fallen to their deaths here before. Or, you can get seriously injured. I got stuck a few times, as it was nothing but a wall of rock and nothing to hold onto. At one point a voice in my head said, whatever you do, don't look down. Garrett saw me and yelled out, "What are you doing there? That's dangerous.....that's a 500 foot drop. Stay in the lines [the white guiding lines which were drawn in various places]." I got out of that.....fortunately. In these circumstances you have to listen to your intuition, and I don't enjoy being afraid or in high places. Garrett told me people get vertigo from looking down....and it was up, up for five hours. Next time I'll bring better clothes because I'm very sloppy here, and not prepared, and hiking shoes which I almost bought before.....but I'd do it again. I don't think I can handle camping for long and being without heat, and running water. I desperately needed a shower afterward. Anyhow......here's what was recorded of that experience:



There's also an abandoned Welsh farm in these woods that's allegedly haunted; it looked that way anyhow.

We also saw hawks and eagles flying above the mountains.....stunning.

sick of being eroticized every time I go out

I went to Cafe Pick Me Up where I go all the time. I'm tired and starving. They don't have much of a selection. On the train, in a restaurant, fucking EVERYWHERE I have to deal with "attention from men" and I'm sick of it, and really mad. I have to deal with being stared at, men deciding if they want to hit on me or not. Being rated or made to feel grateful that I'm wanted. And every female treated the same. But too often, women contribute to it.

At this gym I go to, this girl was sitting really close to a guy in this skimpy top, and giggling while talking to her girl friend, while this dumb jock type was leering at her and practically hovering over her. Hello? No one deserves to be raped, but in America that kind of body language and behavior makes these guys think you're loose and it's only a matter of time before one of them puts it to the test. I hear one bad story after another, like someone I know being told by a guy, "In my country, women will always be inferior." But women too often don't resist. What I read of de Beauvoir says that women aren't trained to be aggressive, political.....and it's up against men who have thousands of years of martial arts, politics, engineering, and nation building behind them. Women didn't create cities, rocket ships, governments, armies.....or the CIA. Sad but true. All we've done is ape men, and that's considered equality. De Beauvoir wrote women have no religion of their own. So many women are narcissistic, and stupid.....so just trying to get respect in public is an uphill battle.....and the women's movement....the problem is they underestimated their opponent's strength, so they suffered a big loss I mean sorry but it's the truth. Still, change is possible. I think those working to create justice in the world will always be a minority and encounter huge waves of resistance and anger along the way.

De Beauvoir also wrote of how women will throw themselves at religious statues without stopping to think they, and the churches and temples, are man-made. The same way, today, they throw themselves at celebrities without stopping to think they're human, that the media, photographers and reporters are all human, that their image is manufactured. They degrade themselves, but that used to be considered virtuous.

Cause now as ever, women aren't valued for intelligence (there are too many brilliant men in the world) but for youth and beauty and the ability to raise a child. Child rearing is hard work but children are exhausting to deal with, and we're under pressure to always be pretty but makeup gets smeared, the bag, no matter how expensive, gets torn, stolen or worn, the clean house gets dirty the next day, the washed dishes will pile up in the sink in an hour, sauce spills, nail polish chips, and really women's work, the work that's necessary for survival but is uncreative, leaves no individual achievement, is endless and eventually mind-numbing. I've worked those kinds of menial jobs and at the end of the day I was too tired to think, and always bitter and angry, and afraid. The work is unrewarding, and you're existing on the lowest level. So because women and slaves were around to do this work men could study, write, draw, do math equations, take long walks with which to think, design cities, buildings and rocket ships, and trained to be aggressive, not decorative.

tonight Felix da Housecat

I just got back from Crobar I'm so tired now but it was so rad. He is from Chicago and watching him and the people he was with took me back to when I was there but it was freaky too cause now every time I am outside NYC I'm out of my element.

But these people were awesome and so was the show!

symbols?

I walked around Times Square where someone was selling those plaques with people's names on them. It makes me sad to see that, cause I feel for those people selling that stuff. But I see all these names in flowers and trees, but then there was a plaque with his name on it, the only one against a backdrop of the NYC skyline, with the World Trade Center in the background. I almost started crying, I mean, how fucked up. Why put that anywhere, or next to someone's name. I think that's a sign I just don't know what of.

I haven't gotten closure in this thing. I feel like it hasn't ended. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to know more, there's something significant going on. It'll come together at some point.

Then, I was on 1st ave near 3rd street, the corner, and these people were getting into a car, and they mentioned something about a black star. Just talking about this stuff freaks me out, occult stuff, but I studied numerology, and 1 and 3 is 13, plus those two words.......

then I saw a guy that looked like him, and the word Stone was right behind him.....

I just have to write this down. I'm a little weirded out by all this........

fed up with men

OK, I know there are some decent men in the world. I have to keep saying that. But I'm really mad right now. I always have to watch my back with people, men or women for different reasons, and I can't be in a relationship with a man without wondering his intentions, like if I'm being used, as a body. It's so hard for me to believe I'll be happy, with anyone, and I am losing more and more hope because nothing I do individually will really solve the problem. The world will be what it is. But my youth turned out to be a constant battle against some idiot trying to shove his hand down my pants and take whatever he could get. How stupid I was, I could have used some guidance here and there. But I had none. A relationship to me is a kind of death sentence, and I hate the thought of being married. I can't understand for the life of me why any woman would want it. But if I'm unmarried I'm looked upon as a poor thing, and people will always wonder why I'm not married. I had my fantasies as well, but my relationships have all ended unhappily and my mistake was allowing one man to have me I wish I never had. But I still love and hate the same person. But I think men turn women they're in relationships with into slaves, and they're all cheaters, they're all pricks. I feel like it's a curse, a terrible one, to be a heterosexual female. I may never say never to a relationship with a woman but I'm not gay; still, I don't know how I can ever feel happy anymore. I rode the bike home and was harrassed three times in 15 minutes. I yelled at them but it won't change them; they'll still do it over and over. A part of me wishes I could be at the Dahab hotel with him and crawl into bed with him with the space heater on, I long for that, so much, so much.....but it's 6 am and he's not here and I'm in Brooklyn, I'm wondering if I'll ever get out of here and I HAVE to get out of here. I was not sexy tonight I was in my helmet, glasses, ugly sneakers but, yeah, I rolled up my pants cause they were getting caught in the chain, so my leg showed, but, big disappointment, I was NOT trying to seduce any of these men on Flatbush Ave. I find it fascinating how women are turned into criminals if they go out after 1am, or whatever the time is, and how men treat them as if they deserve harassment, as if they're punishing them. I was NOT walking around in sexy clothes in a drunken stupor, as those women who were raped and killed allegedly were. That still doesn't make what happened to them OK. But if I complain about these guys, like to the cops, they'll probably say I brought it upon myself.

take back what I wrote

I said to my friend last night, my problem is, I don't fall for "nice guys." Men know this, that's the problem. Not that there's any excuse for bad behavior, but my friend said she has no interest in men who bring her flowers. Men have said to me, women don't like nice men who love them but as soon as he starts treating her like shit that's when they love these men. Not completely true.....

So D was the only one I couldn't manipulate, well not totally, but it doesn't mean I'm a victim. I refuse. I learned from the brutal past. I'm pissed. I'm not OK. But I learned.

ok Houston ready for countdown four three two one

Earlier today I was listening to the KLF song "Last Train to Transcentral" and I've been reading de Beauvoir where she talks about transcendence.......

I'm taking a chance reprinting KLF lyrics. Justified Ancients of MuMu..... so.....found more pix as I finally got my digicam set up.....

Here is a cheerpic where we all look like we're throwing up.


In another, this is the Hollaback event, and I don't know who the guy in the white shirt is but he's cute....:)


This was all a mystical time in my life. It was May of this year, and I was living in this beautiful apartment which I had to leave, as it belonged to this woman lawyer who was moving upstate with her boyfriend. I loved this place, it reminded me of the apartment in Choses Secretes....

ÖK, everybody lie down on the floor and keep calm...." KLF Sample


















Guess it doesn't look like much but I didn't get the brick wall.....I just love wood floors. It's my dream place. That pic of me is around that time. That was around the time D was telling me there's something about me that makes him want to force sex on me or otherwise be really rough.....I mean, what is "forced sex"? Is that rape? Was he serious, it was only me he felt this way about? Or was it a conniving manipulation on his part?

another pic from then: was fucking around with the camera


Later on, D would tell me he fantasized about raping me.....this time he said rape.....he said, he visioned us in ä room" somewhere where he just "takes" me. I'd say why don't you call me and he said, what, ask, can you come over here so I can rape you? I laughed, but he looked like he wondered why I was laughing, like he was serious. But later, he'd say, Ï'm just messing with you...."I figured he wouldn't really do it......you know.....


And I fell in love, so in love, with Columbia U, the campus, gorgeous, with such awesome people.......


Later, when I was assaulted, I went back to that same spot the next day. It was under a car that had a University of Michigan sticker on it....and he's from that town....


I'm a radical feminist who fell in love with her rapist....I'm not unaware of that irony.......


so here're some recent pix.......








This pic looks like kiddie porn, not that I'd know, but like some offensive ads I've seen.....


This is me as a wannabe raver....














This is my good friend Luca, a very nice person:









This is my kitty West

Finally this is me outside my show, Happy Hour.

I used to be obsessed with the KLF. I won't print their lyrics here cause I don't know the copyright laws, ect. I listened to The White Room thousands of times when I was living alone in Park Slope often with only a dark window.....right when I started dating Al.....

D I miss you I love and hate you.....you went through me like a knife.....how can I ever recover? I can't. I can't pretend I can. I want to beat you up, too.

It's not meant to be, not this time, maybe not ever.

dyke march

I found this photo on flickr.....my crazy cheering days.....not over yet.....



I'm in the black bikini top with the braid in my face.....the camera is merciless adding weight....

LIstening to Sasha and Digweed and Oakenfold

I just love DJing and this piece is fucking super amazing......beautiful


DJing fascinates me, it's hot. Religious. Sexy. Awesome.

See me in Happy Hour Fri November 10

7:30 PM 141 Ridge Street Manhattan

Take the F to Delancey

or the J or M to Essex

I'm waiting to see if I have clearance for the Plath play. I hope. I pray. Please, whoeve's out there.......

what I wrote last

Was really harsh I know......maybe it was the end of a long day, but I was feeling victimized. I suppose it's what I went through two years ago, where I felt like I wasn't getting recognition for all the work I was doing and well, you know, that just isn't right. But I can see where I did wrong as well.

I deleted what I last wrote. I do have bad mood swings. There's something disturbing in the air right now. I can't wait....I want to get out of here....I hate winter. I need a warmer climate. Maybe DC. Maybe I'll visit my friend. But this weather is so gloomy and creepy. I'm freaked out in general.

I can't forget what is around me

It's my nature to be critical. I won't lie to myself and pretend the awful stuff in the world isn't there and just live in my happy bubble. I would love to see peace happen, but it's not. Maybe sometimes violence is necessary. I am pissed, I'll say that much. Sometimes you have to fight, and I believe the world has malevolent stuff in it. Sometimes you have to hurt, though I don't want to.

Where should I go?

So I am loving life in NYC but reading about these music tours depresses me cause I think how much else there is out there and I'm just....a speck.....and there's so much of the planet I haven't been to. I was watching this clip of people performing in Argentina....and I was looking at the crowd....so lively, full of "love"as one girl described them. I'm thinking, they look so beautiful, and I'm missing so much. So Argentina is one place I was thinking of but there's also Egypt which I'm getting flashbacks of all the time. I'm missing so much of that as well. Time is going by so fast, so fast. Or Ecuador, maybe? Maybe I will consider Thailand.

Love Ballad To Person X Who Will Probably Never Read This

Please come back to N YC I'm up wasting time and I found your myspace page. I know things are fucked up here but it's not hopeless we have some fabulous plays going on here but mine is the best hands down. WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED??????? Please get a divorce. I know that's not a nice thing to say but really it makes no sense to me. I have fantasies of you, sexual and otherwise.

Needless to say I couldn't send this. I need to think of something brilliant but it's not coming.

But just after writing this and listening to some of his songs, I looked at my door and saw a very scary face staring at me.......kind of like when you see something that looks like something, so hard to explain. I wish I had an explanation for it.

So my friends don't understand the attraction and don't share my feelings but too many others do.

AND I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU ANYMORE. I'm done with it. So cry me a river you had your chance and you chose her.


But it's my fault too. I was afraid. I'm afraid now. Why is that?

Not only do I have sexual fantasies of you, but others....like of you coming into my wedding and shooting the groom, and guests, a la Kill Bill. I can't get that out of my head. That's sick, right? Guess I'd like to think you couldn't bear me being with another, but you don't have to worry cause I don't want ANY relationship now. After 12 years of relationships believe me I'm so done. You're still competing though.....you have your suitors but I have mine too. So don't fuck up this time, OK? Neither will I.

The East Village no longer exists. It's the same thing that happened with Soho and the West Village. It's too complicated to get into here.....but this is America and nothing is free. I don't think it should be that way. It's so hard now to live in this city if you're not rich....not on a trust fund. With rents being what they are, it's impossible to live a laid back lifestyle here, and Non New Yorkers wonder why people here are so frazzled, so unfriendly, not looking strangers in the eye....well don't take it personally. In this town, a stranger could rob you or slit your throat, and we have bills rent lives counting on us....there's no time to waste.

But it shouldn't be that way, should it? Is this living? There's so little culture left. Rather, there is, but it's running against this current of really fascism. In the film JFK one of the characters talks about how fascism is coming back, and in the film Caberet there's the scene of the Nazis and people in the restaurant singing together.....and well, history repeats itself. It was like this in the 80s too and really the revolutionaries of the world have to face the fact that they're a minority. Why do people seem to accept the lousy bread crumbs thrown them, like women voting Republican or saying they're not feminist. I was shocked to hear about women, now, in 2006, who go to pimps or, well, don't get me started. But this phenomenon fascinates me. The cutting edge scene of the East Village is gone, but it's also CBs'....the punk scene needed to evolve with the changing times, stay united and fight this but they didn't. Maybe it was a conspiracy.Still, it's sad to see the East Village turning into the suburbs, pretty much.

sorry it's been a while

Oh boy can't believe how long it's been. A LOT has happened. On the down side, my cat got really sick (West, my male cat) and had to go to the emergency vet. I just barely got through this: it's going to cost two grand altogether and I just barely was able to get it. In fact, I went through hell having to co-sign with my ex and his jealous girlfriend making a scene at this place....

On the up side, I think, knock wood, West will be ok. But this is so expensive and most people don't have that much money and what will they do, in an emergency? This has changed everything for me. Last year, another crisis changed my life and now this has also. I think it'll be ultimately for the better but it's exhausting to go through. I imagine I now know what having a child will do. And I do want one at some time. But even having these lives depending on me I'll never again be free like I was in college, living only for myself. Attached to animal lives are human lives, and what I do affects many people and many animals. I am no longer a child, because I have all this now. I can't just take off and go somewhere when I want, as easily. I am going to have to work much harder than I have been already; plus I finally have an oppurtunity to do this show, this play, so it'll be that on top of everything.

But on a better note, I took kickboxing and a "video dance" class this weekend, it was awesome, awesome! It was really hard, really hard. I passed out last night as soon as I got home, which isn't good cause I have so much work to do. But I really love it, and I think I'm pretty good for a beginner!

one destination

I think I'll cross out is Thailand, since I was at a Thai restaurant where the waitress was a gargantuan bitch, and very nasty to me. Maybe I did something wrong, but she still didn't have to get that way. I mean, why should I go to a place where I'm apparently not welcome? A part of me wants to see the rest of the world, but today, the past 24 hours, have been extremely trying. I do have my parents' temper and if I'm overly provoked, really if I feel I'm not being respected, then that sets me off. But there's only so much anyone can take and everyone is entitled to a certain amount of courtesy.....and there's just so much. It's like I'm getting a tremendous amount of hostility from people I am trying to help, and it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It's awful, awful, to be the target of that. It will never sink in, I'll never get used to it. It's like being stabbed in the back as soon as I walk away. Not only that, but there's still so much sexism everywhere and it's like, what is ever done about it? People protest but it still is rampant, impossible to get away from. Everything from these offensive videos to men leering at women on the street, on the subway, it's sick, sick. And they never apologize, but make excuses like it's nature and they can't help it. It's absolutely rampant, like in my neighborhood which is heavily black and Hispanic but it comes from white guys as well. These men only get even more hostile and threatening when confronted, and too many women are ineffective in dealing with this problem. I had to go home from the exhaustion, emotional, of being faced with this today. I made a cocktail at around 4PM, drank it in three sips, then smoked the rest of a joint someone gave me. I then fell asleep, after writing a little, and dreamt I was looking at pictures of these two men, and while I looked at one, I said to the other, it's so cute that you're jealous.....then the lights went out. I was running around my room trying to find the switch, and when I found it and turned it the light still wouldn't go on. I was in bed, got up again to turn it on, and the room was black. I said, I want to wake up, I want to wake up.......then I did wake up to see at least light in my window.

trips

I'm ready to take my first trip abroad in almost 2 years. I have to work like mad to make the money. I really want to go to South Africa but it's terribly expensive, so my other options are Argentina or Thailand or back to Egypt. Of course, there are many other possibilities. I would like to spend more time in Egypt because there is so, so much there and I barely scratched the surface, but then again there's the rest of the world.

NYC Weekend hell

What happened to all the cool, artistic people in this town? There was always the "Jersey" set, but it's like Invasion of the Ants now. I'm sorry to be so vicious, but these people are equally vicious. I'm really mad. Last night was a disaster. I went to Pyramid and ugh ugh they changed the music to this z100 cheesy "remix" of all these 80s songs. I've heard better music in elevators, or at the Holiday Inn in Ohio.

With CBGBs being priced out and every other place, we're going to have Mercury Bars on every corner, or.....what's it called?....Bennigans and stuff like that, and nothing else. The situation is sad but there's literally no end to it. My friend witnessed something awful last night, that I don't even want to mention. I'll go into this more later.

Then, on top of that, I was reading this "artist" zine I picked up at a local coffee shop. There was this article on how Red Hook is an "up and coming" neighborhood" and one always knows that when they see "a young woman sitting on the steps with a laptop...." or something to that effect. I have been in Red Hook and there are families there who've been there for 40 years or so who are getting displaced from their homes. Red Hook is an entrenched settlement. I just find all this immoral in the extreme, and I can't stand to be around it. It's soul-deadening. I think this country is a lost cause and maybe I am better off in Berlin. At least in Europe, the governments and societies are pretty left and people have legion more rights as citizens, and that is considered a good thing there.