erotic writing and porn

I am sexual and a feminist and I can say with assurance I know the sex industry pretty well. I love sex, when it's right. I read erotic literature and art and ......sex is great. However, I am not a fan, to say the least, of any kind of writing, art, pictures, whatever, that demean females in any way or degrade them. Much sex-oriented pictures and writing does. I am an enemy of misogyny, which absolutely creeps into a good deal of sex stuff. It's more about females being inferior. Where do you draw the line? Fantasies are fucked up, all about what's wrong. You can fantasize about being in a concentration camp, turn that into something erotic, but it doesn't mean you really want to be there. You can fantasize about rape or, well, use your imagination. I does not mean you really want it.

Maybe there is no simple solution. Sometimes lines have to be drawn. A snuff film is not protected speech. Nor is forced pornography. Someone should have the right to express something if it's consenting adults no matter how despicable. It doesn't mean they have a right to display it in the workplace, or at school, ect. If someone wants to read it they should be allowed to, on their own time.

I am a feminist and sexy, sex-positive.

punzy 

how to deal with

life's issues. as of now someone is throwing fireworks outside my window (guess my neighborhood isn't totally gentrified yet) and I hate it. I don't know why they're doing it.

Right now I am dealing with some problems, personal, which are too much for this blog. I will pull out of it and live, I don't doubt. I have to remember there are good people and there is good and right in the world.

But there's more to life, thank god/dess the stars whatever. Last night I went to a house party a really awesome one. I cleaned up my garden. NOw I just want to get out of the house. Go for a walk, across the bridge, just remove myself from my life and familiar stuff.

G got me an ipod for my bday which I'm trying to figure out how to work. It's my best bday present so far! Dad also gave me a nice one: money.

So, I have to go back to work, and I may have to take an office job. I mean, I don't want to live in the streets. No, I don't WANT to work the corporate world, and this job sounds frikking bo-ring, but.....I am under pressure to do it. It doesn't have to be forever. Yes, I will travel, I will perform, I will maybe live abroad one day (most likely), but not right now. A year ago I thought I had it worked out and I did travel, but it became more complicated than I had imagined. I will return to Egypt at some time. But I need to deal with stuff now, and it's not going to leave.
I think to myself though, I can make the same or more money waiting tables but those jobs aren't at my feet right now....I mean it's possible, but I'm not 21 anymore, either. I need a career I can feel proud of. I don't want people's pity or condescension. Seriously, I have to figure out my "thing." It's there. I have to get it.

new york

I've been going out a lot: to Crobar to see Sandra Collins and DJ Rap (it was awesome awesome!), then with my sister and her 18 year old friends in the Hamptons, Bridgehampton polo (a fashion show, really. They wear stilletto heels and cocktail dresses on the grass), and another party Monday night. I have been going to consciousness raising groups (I love it), and working on the monologues for the show so....I'm still unemployed, working off the books part time, there are other problems, I would love to be in London, Berlin, Alexandria again but, you know, it's I'm here and have my hands more than full. My life is here, and there's so much that is important. There are highlights as well. I can't believe summer is almost over, and there's always so much to do, it's endless. I do want to leave, at some point, but also I'm going to have to face life and work as well. Still, by going out I'm learning so much, meeting new people, and realized I don't think I can sit in a cubicle all day; but what's the solution? I can't wait tables forever; I need to be proud of my job. HOwever, there's so much money to be made waitressing, bartending, and really, shaking your tits and winking at guys, that's the truth. Some variations of that, but that's it. It's hard work though, extremely, but why work 40 hours in an office for $400 or $500 per week when you can make the same money with fewer hours? Off the subject....
On the good side, CBGBs won't be evicted.....yeee!!!! I know people who work there, and I'm glad for them. They came very, very close.

So yes, I would love to get out of the US, and I will at some point. But I still have to deal with work and careers as well and that's where the issue is. I don't think I can take another job like my last; I ask for better, I've changed.

another dream

From what I remember: I am in a movie theater, a make-shift one, alone? maybe, or with others, don't remember. I'm watching this film about people doing spells or seances, some kind of African one, with drums and chanting. It all starts to escalate and this creepy imagery starts coming up, like faces, gargoyes, something like that. I start to get freaky, but tell myself it's only a movie, keep watching. I try to say this is a good spell. But I feel the fear still.

Then suddenly I am working in a store selling various trinkets and fun things. Maybe did the world trade center figure in here somewhere? Like I passed it, or the remains, or something like that. Anyway, I'm in this store and my boss there is telling me rather than get money on my metro card ask these people downstairs for $13. I make sure I hear her right, and she says yes. So I'm working there, and then am told to keep a lookout for such and such a guy....I see his picture, a few of them, different people, but???

Then, it's time for me to leave around 5:30 and I ask this security guard downstairs for the $13 some odd and he gives it to me. THen I see my sister and tell her how tiring my new job is, and how paying for these things adds up? Then I go into one of these bodegas where they're selling these California rolls, and some of them have only rice in them. Someone is talking on the radio, I think....? A guy's voice.

how many times I've been propositioned today

so many I stopped counting. Our society...whatever you want to call it, or maybe just men, or....????? place so much emphasis on women being attractive and we're under constant pressure to be that, to be well-groomed, whatever you want to call it. But then we look nice, and what happens is......intense, exaggerated stares, comments, honks and catcalls from cars, and being asked in a crude, disrespectful way for sex or blowjobs. I don't think I'm that gorgeous, although I'm not ugly, either. My point is, if we get pissed, we're told we either can't appreciate compliments or we're getting bent out of shape over nothing, a little harmless fun, or we're crazy, hysterical bitches, or we should appreciate it cause once we're past a certain age we won't get it, or we should be grateful we're getting it at our age. I would always, my whole life, think I am not pretty enough, thin enough. THere has never been a time in my life where I thought I was thin enough or pretty enough, although there were times when I thought I looked good. But the other side of that is always, once we are "pretty" being the target of unwanted attention. Or maybe it happens even if we aren't "pretty." I've gotten it even when I didn't look good or was dressed badly or.....when I see men doing this to other women it makes me sick. SOmetimes I'd feel resentful or jealous of the women, or think, I have to admit, why is she walking down that street dressed that way. But maybe I do it, too, without realizing it. BUt now I have come full circle, or rather, 180 degrees and I see it the other way. These men are shits, they're disrespectful. What is the solution? I am not sure our counter harassment parties were. BUt I have yelled at these men, I have had my public battles. And no, I don't enjoy it or go looking for it. But I was provoked to where I finally snapped. What if I'm having a bad day, if I'm upset, like I was today, and I get some stupid comment? Yeah, I am going to be pissed....I'm human, I have bad days, I get mad, I lose my cool. Am I not entitled to my feelings? To react, if pushed that way??????

dream

I was in my back yard, but there was an opening in the ground, and water underneath it. West, my cat, jumped in the water, and I almost accidentally covered him but got him in time, as he was swimming in the water. I got him out. THen I somehow got into the water, which was dirty, and was up to my waist in it. I was grossed out thinking this water is polluted, disgusting, but I could smell it too, and it didn't smell bad, but like fresh sea water. G was standing behind me, and I kept saying, I can't believe I'm getting into this water.

I am constantly having water dreams. I had a dream a few months ago about being in the clear blue water, I think an ocean or maybe Lake Michigan in Chicago, and being on a water boat. I think I get in the water and swim.....but am trying to balance myself.

Water is the most common theme.

Maybe it's cause it's 94 today and I could use a trip to the beach, the hamptons beach. Fuck it, maybe I will.

me in egypt.....a long time ago now ....I love traveling but I remember how tired I was by the end.....was so happy to get home, to my neighborhood again....I'll take another trip......at some point 

recent of me and bike .....g put that parrot horn on it recently 

cheesy yes but can't resist..... 

dreams, two nights ago

I was in prison, with other people. THere was smoke....I couldn't leave of course, I was thinking I'd be stuck there for hours, days, who knows how long.

only one person

I would rather not have casual sex....

can only be with one at a time.

I love one, he's the only one.

BUt he's not here, so what do I do?

I have had nsa sex, but it wasn't planned, ever. I wanted it, I said yes. But it's not something I'm looking for. Still, it's nice to travel and see beautiful people everywhere.

heat wave

normally I like heat, but I have sweat dripping off me, everywhere.

My neighbors smoke and I'm sick of it, I think smoking is RUDE and inconsiderate. I'm sick of being told to suck it up (Garrett) and let them do it. I never smoked into people's windows when I smoked. It' lazy and piggish. I'm always having to inhale people's smoke when I'm jogging.

So, I went to Egypt and my dad had told me not to go anywhere because of terrorism. I said, oh come on (this was last NOvember) and he said, what, you think this is a republican conspiracy? I think it's A conspiracy, though to what party? So I go to Egypt and I get back alive. But now this incident in Sharm El Sheik, though I wasn't there that I know of.

but still something can always happen. I can (God/dess forbid) get hit by a car, shot, knived or .....trip and fall



I'm bitching, but I don't know what to do, ever. I have only an idea. The thing is though, then who will be left to pick up the grunt work that keeps society functioning? Oh, OK, stupid people? Are they really stupid? According to whom? I've seen the lowlifes of the world and the "highlifes" both. It.....where am I going with this? Throughout history, men (rich men) made the crucial worldly decisions that made history and put them in my high school history books, but women? Where were they? Cleopatra? Queen Elizabeth? What other women were in my history classes? The hetairas of Greece, housewives, slaves, common street hookers? I don't identify with ANY of these women. Jeanne D'Arc is one of the rare exceptions. Oh, women's suffrage got a huge mention consisting of two small paragraphs, in my high school history book. So I know what Virginia Woolf meant about women's absence in history.

What these books don't mention is that men (and the occasional Queen) were able to change the world with their contributions because women were doing the .....how can I be pleasant? well, shitwork that was necessary for society but "leaving no human mark" (B Friedan) WOmen and slaves. SOmeone has to take care of babies, clean the floors, be an ornament, decorate the house. But when did these contributions get mentioned? Good old Stuyvesant history. THe story of Bismark, the Triple Alliance, the Industrial Revolution.......

But when a woman could actually write down her experiences, suddenly, someone exists that we know something about. Sappho, Empress Eugenie, Mrs. Osborne, Sylvia Plath.

But like I said, someone has to do the grunt labor, someone has to run the stock market, fix computers, work the traffic lights and subways, sweep the floors.......

I mean, is anyone passionate about that? Why would someone be a CEO if they didn't need the $? Do they love it that much that there's nothing else they'd rather do than get up at 5 AM to go to the office? I just.....I don't get it. What is the solution here?

pms

the beginning stages. Will spare the gory details, but I couldn't sleep tonight maybe it's the insane, relentless humidity which feels like I'm sitting in a wall of plaster, or that I drank too much, but I deleted some things I wrote on a message board. It was turning into a constant defense on my part, maybe for good reason, but I was coming across as a shrill argumentative banshee and not really enlightening anyone. Even though I thought I was right then and still do but.....when chatting which is superficial and boring leads to politics which is not it nevertheless turns to a fight.

Everything just came crashing tonight I woke up to a lot of things. I'm an insomniac, really a night person.

I want to be nice

but I'm told I'm mean. I want to be nice. To explain what happened will take too much time, but in a few words someone wrote an article I considered unfair and insulting, and I complained about it. I can't stop someone from writing something, no matter how ignorant and offensive. I just thought it smacked of bias and since it hits a sensitive spot in me: he wrote about a place where I have friends and that is connected to my dad, I guess maybe I did lash out. Yes, I was upset at what he wrote, and I believe for good reason. But it really hurts me and frustrates me that people think when I defend a person, concept or place that I am just acting on a power urge or a sadistic desire to hurt someone. Never in my life have I hurt someone just to hurt them. If I did get snippy with people, it is because either I was upset at the time and acted well, hysterically, or because they crossed a line of mine. If someone doesn't want people to be pissed off at them, they why do they provoke people in the first place? Most of the people who say, oh, people are attacking me, they hurt me, are also people who themselves often say hurtful things about others. Not all the time, but much of it.

back from hamptons

is that a trip? It's a mini one.

The Hamptons and beach are gorgeous and so are the $8 million dollar homes. Everyone almost is rich except the locals who are mostly middle to lower middle class. My mother made great dinners, and I went to a club for the first time out there.....in all this time I still haven't gone. It was Resort. It's OK, but it was too bright and not crowded enough, and I like clubs where I blend in and become anonymous. That's why I like the big clubs cause I can go alone and disappear. But places like this you're visible to everyone and I felt so uncomfortable. THis girl came up to me and made conversation, who herself was from Australia.
My sister went out of her way to introduce me to people even if they're much younger, so that's nice.

But it's hard being out of my element for so long. I felt kind of sad. Plus, I miss my own friends, my own people.

Anyway, I'm back, back to my world......

rain, and being stuck indoors

sick of it......had a crazy morning but now I'm sitting in my apt alone and sick of being stuck here, so I'm going to go out for yet another late night ride. It's been raining steadily, and I got totally drenched, not kidding, this morning when I took my bike out to meet someone. My shoes are all soaked. So....the mint in my backyard will grow huge and luckily I pulled out the weeds, so that the water will go to the good plants.

There's just so much I have to deal with now that's ugly, stressful. I'm always in conflict, cause my instincts tell me different things at once. But I'm really sick of being stuck in here. I don't know the solution, not yet.

I will be going to the hamptons this weekend so at least I'll be on the beach.......riding waves.

oh, so my dream I remembered: it was a dress I found in a store for $8. I tried it on and it was really pretty, looking like from the antebellum days. I turned and looked in the mirror behind and my back looked like Scarlett's.

I can't stand being stuck in here anymore.

dreams...the past few days

Well, around June 27, in Indy, I dreamt I was at a party. First, there were cats everywhere, I always have this one, that I'm picking up stray cats and trying to take care of them, but they keep disappearing and coming back. THen......I'm at a party where we're in some kind of enclosed space, wood walls. A horror film is playing, but there is someone impersonating one of the characters. I get up to leave and he slaps me. I end up staying, watching. There would have been more, but I was woken up. There was a major storm this night.

The past few nights, well.....I dream often of churches. I'm in and out of them.

A couple nights ago I dreamt of a briefcase full of money, but it was illegal, like drug money. SOmeone had lost it, and I was afraid that whoever it belonged to would find me and get me. At the same time, I wanted the money. It kept turning up in other places.

penis, power?

Is there a power that comes with having a penis? I was thinking that by inserting a (not my, I don't have one) dick in someone you're exercising power over them, dominating them really. Or you have a certain power. I mean, some women have power over some men, but that's not the....well, more like men with wealth have power over all women and many, most men. But say, a higher class woman may have power over a working class man, but in other ways, she doesn't. I think .....the way I see men look at women, not just turning them into objects or paying attention only to their looks, deciding which women they'll harass and which they won't, they are exerting their power over women.
So I was thinking when I was riding my bike.....very unsexy in my helmet and glasses then these guys made a comment at me from a car.
no, well not in every case. If the human race is going to stick around, there has to be intercourse, really. I'm straight, have no plans to become gay even if once in a blue moon there's a woman I'm attracted to or I think about sex with women.
But is anatomy destiny? Men are simply bigger, faster than women. They're built that way, probably born that way. There are moments when men's intentions are good and sex is good, mutual, between equals, caring partners. But the majority of what's out there is not about equality.
The problem is, I don't really love women. I don't hate them. Many women I really do like. But I don't think someone is great just because she's female. There are some I just don't like. I'm not saying I have answers, I'm just putting the question out there.

opinions

Everyone has one. But honestly, especially if it's a controversial topic like religion, what is the point of throwing it out there, trying to force it on others. If you believe, don't believe, it's your decision. But these people who try to speak as the realists and skeptics I find more often than not form their statements on half truths and extreme generalizations. I guess I disagree. I have my beliefs, but I never try to force others to agree with me. What's the purpose of arguing? Are you going to change the other person? Probably not.