cheesy yes but can't resist..... 

dreams, two nights ago

I was in prison, with other people. THere was smoke....I couldn't leave of course, I was thinking I'd be stuck there for hours, days, who knows how long.

only one person

I would rather not have casual sex....

can only be with one at a time.

I love one, he's the only one.

BUt he's not here, so what do I do?

I have had nsa sex, but it wasn't planned, ever. I wanted it, I said yes. But it's not something I'm looking for. Still, it's nice to travel and see beautiful people everywhere.

heat wave

normally I like heat, but I have sweat dripping off me, everywhere.

My neighbors smoke and I'm sick of it, I think smoking is RUDE and inconsiderate. I'm sick of being told to suck it up (Garrett) and let them do it. I never smoked into people's windows when I smoked. It' lazy and piggish. I'm always having to inhale people's smoke when I'm jogging.

So, I went to Egypt and my dad had told me not to go anywhere because of terrorism. I said, oh come on (this was last NOvember) and he said, what, you think this is a republican conspiracy? I think it's A conspiracy, though to what party? So I go to Egypt and I get back alive. But now this incident in Sharm El Sheik, though I wasn't there that I know of.

but still something can always happen. I can (God/dess forbid) get hit by a car, shot, knived or .....trip and fall



I'm bitching, but I don't know what to do, ever. I have only an idea. The thing is though, then who will be left to pick up the grunt work that keeps society functioning? Oh, OK, stupid people? Are they really stupid? According to whom? I've seen the lowlifes of the world and the "highlifes" both. It.....where am I going with this? Throughout history, men (rich men) made the crucial worldly decisions that made history and put them in my high school history books, but women? Where were they? Cleopatra? Queen Elizabeth? What other women were in my history classes? The hetairas of Greece, housewives, slaves, common street hookers? I don't identify with ANY of these women. Jeanne D'Arc is one of the rare exceptions. Oh, women's suffrage got a huge mention consisting of two small paragraphs, in my high school history book. So I know what Virginia Woolf meant about women's absence in history.

What these books don't mention is that men (and the occasional Queen) were able to change the world with their contributions because women were doing the .....how can I be pleasant? well, shitwork that was necessary for society but "leaving no human mark" (B Friedan) WOmen and slaves. SOmeone has to take care of babies, clean the floors, be an ornament, decorate the house. But when did these contributions get mentioned? Good old Stuyvesant history. THe story of Bismark, the Triple Alliance, the Industrial Revolution.......

But when a woman could actually write down her experiences, suddenly, someone exists that we know something about. Sappho, Empress Eugenie, Mrs. Osborne, Sylvia Plath.

But like I said, someone has to do the grunt labor, someone has to run the stock market, fix computers, work the traffic lights and subways, sweep the floors.......

I mean, is anyone passionate about that? Why would someone be a CEO if they didn't need the $? Do they love it that much that there's nothing else they'd rather do than get up at 5 AM to go to the office? I just.....I don't get it. What is the solution here?

pms

the beginning stages. Will spare the gory details, but I couldn't sleep tonight maybe it's the insane, relentless humidity which feels like I'm sitting in a wall of plaster, or that I drank too much, but I deleted some things I wrote on a message board. It was turning into a constant defense on my part, maybe for good reason, but I was coming across as a shrill argumentative banshee and not really enlightening anyone. Even though I thought I was right then and still do but.....when chatting which is superficial and boring leads to politics which is not it nevertheless turns to a fight.

Everything just came crashing tonight I woke up to a lot of things. I'm an insomniac, really a night person.

I want to be nice

but I'm told I'm mean. I want to be nice. To explain what happened will take too much time, but in a few words someone wrote an article I considered unfair and insulting, and I complained about it. I can't stop someone from writing something, no matter how ignorant and offensive. I just thought it smacked of bias and since it hits a sensitive spot in me: he wrote about a place where I have friends and that is connected to my dad, I guess maybe I did lash out. Yes, I was upset at what he wrote, and I believe for good reason. But it really hurts me and frustrates me that people think when I defend a person, concept or place that I am just acting on a power urge or a sadistic desire to hurt someone. Never in my life have I hurt someone just to hurt them. If I did get snippy with people, it is because either I was upset at the time and acted well, hysterically, or because they crossed a line of mine. If someone doesn't want people to be pissed off at them, they why do they provoke people in the first place? Most of the people who say, oh, people are attacking me, they hurt me, are also people who themselves often say hurtful things about others. Not all the time, but much of it.

back from hamptons

is that a trip? It's a mini one.

The Hamptons and beach are gorgeous and so are the $8 million dollar homes. Everyone almost is rich except the locals who are mostly middle to lower middle class. My mother made great dinners, and I went to a club for the first time out there.....in all this time I still haven't gone. It was Resort. It's OK, but it was too bright and not crowded enough, and I like clubs where I blend in and become anonymous. That's why I like the big clubs cause I can go alone and disappear. But places like this you're visible to everyone and I felt so uncomfortable. THis girl came up to me and made conversation, who herself was from Australia.
My sister went out of her way to introduce me to people even if they're much younger, so that's nice.

But it's hard being out of my element for so long. I felt kind of sad. Plus, I miss my own friends, my own people.

Anyway, I'm back, back to my world......

rain, and being stuck indoors

sick of it......had a crazy morning but now I'm sitting in my apt alone and sick of being stuck here, so I'm going to go out for yet another late night ride. It's been raining steadily, and I got totally drenched, not kidding, this morning when I took my bike out to meet someone. My shoes are all soaked. So....the mint in my backyard will grow huge and luckily I pulled out the weeds, so that the water will go to the good plants.

There's just so much I have to deal with now that's ugly, stressful. I'm always in conflict, cause my instincts tell me different things at once. But I'm really sick of being stuck in here. I don't know the solution, not yet.

I will be going to the hamptons this weekend so at least I'll be on the beach.......riding waves.

oh, so my dream I remembered: it was a dress I found in a store for $8. I tried it on and it was really pretty, looking like from the antebellum days. I turned and looked in the mirror behind and my back looked like Scarlett's.

I can't stand being stuck in here anymore.

dreams...the past few days

Well, around June 27, in Indy, I dreamt I was at a party. First, there were cats everywhere, I always have this one, that I'm picking up stray cats and trying to take care of them, but they keep disappearing and coming back. THen......I'm at a party where we're in some kind of enclosed space, wood walls. A horror film is playing, but there is someone impersonating one of the characters. I get up to leave and he slaps me. I end up staying, watching. There would have been more, but I was woken up. There was a major storm this night.

The past few nights, well.....I dream often of churches. I'm in and out of them.

A couple nights ago I dreamt of a briefcase full of money, but it was illegal, like drug money. SOmeone had lost it, and I was afraid that whoever it belonged to would find me and get me. At the same time, I wanted the money. It kept turning up in other places.

penis, power?

Is there a power that comes with having a penis? I was thinking that by inserting a (not my, I don't have one) dick in someone you're exercising power over them, dominating them really. Or you have a certain power. I mean, some women have power over some men, but that's not the....well, more like men with wealth have power over all women and many, most men. But say, a higher class woman may have power over a working class man, but in other ways, she doesn't. I think .....the way I see men look at women, not just turning them into objects or paying attention only to their looks, deciding which women they'll harass and which they won't, they are exerting their power over women.
So I was thinking when I was riding my bike.....very unsexy in my helmet and glasses then these guys made a comment at me from a car.
no, well not in every case. If the human race is going to stick around, there has to be intercourse, really. I'm straight, have no plans to become gay even if once in a blue moon there's a woman I'm attracted to or I think about sex with women.
But is anatomy destiny? Men are simply bigger, faster than women. They're built that way, probably born that way. There are moments when men's intentions are good and sex is good, mutual, between equals, caring partners. But the majority of what's out there is not about equality.
The problem is, I don't really love women. I don't hate them. Many women I really do like. But I don't think someone is great just because she's female. There are some I just don't like. I'm not saying I have answers, I'm just putting the question out there.

opinions

Everyone has one. But honestly, especially if it's a controversial topic like religion, what is the point of throwing it out there, trying to force it on others. If you believe, don't believe, it's your decision. But these people who try to speak as the realists and skeptics I find more often than not form their statements on half truths and extreme generalizations. I guess I disagree. I have my beliefs, but I never try to force others to agree with me. What's the purpose of arguing? Are you going to change the other person? Probably not.

auditions

went pretty well for the most part. Steve, the director, is crazy but really good at this. far better than me. it's hard though, cause this is such emotional material. to watch people unravel like this. I'm always wondering what's going on with people but then I see and it's like, please don't tell me all this. It has the potential to be really great. It's far better than the stuff out there now. But this time it's up to me. how else will it get done?

so lovely fans, you can read about this production process here below.

http://threewomennyc.blogspot.com/

the character I'm doing abandons her baby and is in college. I was in college when I first read this play. So I searched for articles on people throwing their babies in dumpsters, and suprisingly many of them turned up. In different parts of the country. So I'm lucky that, despite the problems women have, at least I can get an abortion, the morning after pill if I need it. One of my favorite plays is Slow Dance on the Killing Ground. The girl is walking around Brooklyn at around 1AM looking for an abortionist, and she's alone when she confronts the two other characters. This play was written before abortion became legal, and it's such a gem of a play. She is so similar to the Plath character that this must have been common enough. If you got pregnant then, you were really in trouble. I don't love the idea of abortion, but it is necessary. Still, we have abortion now but all is not great still. We're still not equal. We have abortion, the morning after pill, women bankers. That's the right.....up to the top. But why don't I feel the equality, never have? Cause.....well stories in my family, my mother, me, school, it's complex enough. I had this girl friend in high school who was really pretty, full of potential. I remember her saying she wouldn't have an abortion but she supports the right to choose. This is someone who had the world at her feet. Next thing, she was homeless, starving, moved into a squat, calling herself Tree, and had a kid, under those circumstances. I hope she's well. She herself was badly treated as a kid. She started crying once at Halloween, really seriously. That was one of the few deja vu moments in my life. I still don't think I feel as intensely, nor have I ever, as I did as a teenager. So I mean, we see these shows now about how the ancient Incas sacrificed children and ate them, and we of course are disgusted and horrified, thinking they must have been primitive brutes (thus it's a good thing the Europeans arrived to civilize them?). So if aliens land here and decide to take over Earth, maybe two thousand years from now people will look back at us and say, they threw their babies in dumpsters, they fried people alive in the electric chair, they had savage crack wars, gang fights, they bombed entire civilizations, and we will be seen as savages.

just returned from indy

a mere three days but it felt like a month. It was for the most part a nice visit....but traveling took a day, as I flew to atlanta then changed to indinapolis with three hours in between. Atlanta looks like a cool place I wouldn't mind spending some time in. I may be different from these round the world vagabonders in that...well, for now I wouldn't want to go away for months at a time. Maybe to live somewhere, but NYC is still home, however fucked up. I enjoy coming home like now....to familiar surroundings. It becomes very stressful living out of a suitcase and....but then there's the part of me that says, I want to go to such and such a place and I need a change....I think sometimes I have to get out of the US, maybe I will, like spend time in Berlin or Egypt. My next trip will be, well, I really miss the whole UK, I really, really do. Sometimes it just is painful to read about anything from there, or anyone, and not be there. I never thought I'd be saying this but I miss the place. It just feels "right." Sometimes I think I never should have returned. BUt like I said, I get homesick. Also, back to Berlin, like to study and work. Or Egypt. LA. My next little trip will be South America, like in February next year. That way, cause their summer is our winter, when I'm freezing here I can think about how great the beach is going to be. Peru, Argentina, but not for too long, just a few weeks.

so tomorrow are the auditions.....

After a while I have to shut off....can't think, xcept.....no brainer stuff.

recent of me green!!!!!!!!! 

so much,

I got about a hundred submissions for my play. Lots of women interested. I think I know pretty fast who I want to cast just from photos. Some people just have interesting faces and eyes, which leads me to think their personalities are interesting. BUt those people are rare. I want to find these relationships where sparks fly, with a male or female, but it's hard. When I finally do find people like that, well.....
I just seem to be running into a lot of people who I just don't connect to. Maybe to some readers this sounds like a righteous woe is me rant but I keep trying and trying but I'm just not finding them, although my dear reader you may be an exception. I am not like most bloggers I see where there is a lot of chatty material and photos. Personally, no hard feelings, but that doesn't interest me.

so this one guy was posting comments and had a weird, moving blog but he disappeared. I know nothing about him. It's strange how I deeply connect with so few people and it's not for lack of trying. I TRY so hard to get along with "everyone" but getting along is not the same as.....

it's fun getting headshots and making creative decisions but it's also really annoying to be constantly having to open, resave, delete emails cause I get messages saying my storage is full.

I was thinking of comments my mother sometimes makes about other women. These are gorgeous women who look like models, at least I thought so, and she'll say, "She looks like a man. She looks like a drag queen." Really catty, huh?

requiem for a dream

been wanting to watch this for a while now....whew! pretty sordid. But the acting was superb, by everyone. Really disturbing though. I'm squeamish about sores and gross stuff. yick. I know now not to take diet pills.....

me and west....in brooklyn  

Berlin graffiti 

me and punzy 

late working

I'm going in to interview at this news station.....it's really freaky. But if I get it, the pay is good and the hours flexible. I can't complain. Still.....I'm going ahead with the show and performance plans....I know there are all these important things in life but art is important. It's the only thing I care about, except for certain individuals in my life.

But sending out p and reses I see a lot of good stuff but so much....the troubled teen daughter and her mother dramas. Well, I've been down that road, not as a mother but the other thing. I'm still a troubled teenage daughter. Still, I'm so sick of these themes. I'm looking for fleshed out, crazed, oozing with life, something, characters. I've found a few. But so much that's being produced is mediocre-sounding. What's really annoying is this ad for a travel show host who shouldn't have a north american accent (and this was a north american paper) and should be UK or Oz. Uh, why? People have so many stereotypes, like that Americans don't travel or don't want to experience the world. Uh, please give it a rest. I know I'm bitching. You can call it constructive criticism.

But....onto my project.....

although that urge to go somewhere is back again. Maybe there will come a time when travel is simple. I've been thinking of favorite destinations, though there's something to be said about everywhere. But I remember Switzerland as an absolutely gorgeous place, stunning. So was the chocolate! Take Swiss Air, no kidding, and make sure there are a few hours in between flights to see Zurich. Also, Alexandria Egypt. Just really fascinated by that place....and I almost didn't go but something told me to. Think what I'd have missed! Well, those are my recommendations.



next day: June 13

Had the interview and the people seemed pretty nice overall. THe woman interviewing me said, "We had some criticism last summer...." and well, whatever, I got to see the other POV. Well, for me civil rights and women's rights are a priority and I didn't vote for Bush but.....well I don't know. I can't count on getting this job but it was ....it went fairly well. I made a mistake in mentioning my blog and my trip to Egypt. Well, I'm not telling them about this one; it's private.

Yes you reading this have the priviledge of knowing what those around me don't know.

So....another thing.....I walked all over the city today. That's my new thing: I walk EVERYWHERE. It's not that I can't take the train. But I feel so free walking places and not being crammed into a car. I walk over the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridge a zillion times per day. I don't understand these men and this obsession of theirs with trying to pick up women. I know, I've heard the argument: they're trying to meet women. Others say that's bullshit. But we're supposed to feel grateful for what is an invasion of space. Intense stares, one liners, walking too close.....I used to really fight them back. So many of them are in pretty bad shape those I leave behind. I guess I sympathize that they're......down and out. But we shouldn't have to beg for these crude advances or want them.....it's none of your fucking business if I want to walk down the street. Oh, well, thank god/dess you noticed me I've been waiting all my life for your blessing so I can go outside. Fine, give me money. Give me a job. ?