I want to be nice

but I'm told I'm mean. I want to be nice. To explain what happened will take too much time, but in a few words someone wrote an article I considered unfair and insulting, and I complained about it. I can't stop someone from writing something, no matter how ignorant and offensive. I just thought it smacked of bias and since it hits a sensitive spot in me: he wrote about a place where I have friends and that is connected to my dad, I guess maybe I did lash out. Yes, I was upset at what he wrote, and I believe for good reason. But it really hurts me and frustrates me that people think when I defend a person, concept or place that I am just acting on a power urge or a sadistic desire to hurt someone. Never in my life have I hurt someone just to hurt them. If I did get snippy with people, it is because either I was upset at the time and acted well, hysterically, or because they crossed a line of mine. If someone doesn't want people to be pissed off at them, they why do they provoke people in the first place? Most of the people who say, oh, people are attacking me, they hurt me, are also people who themselves often say hurtful things about others. Not all the time, but much of it.

back from hamptons

is that a trip? It's a mini one.

The Hamptons and beach are gorgeous and so are the $8 million dollar homes. Everyone almost is rich except the locals who are mostly middle to lower middle class. My mother made great dinners, and I went to a club for the first time out there.....in all this time I still haven't gone. It was Resort. It's OK, but it was too bright and not crowded enough, and I like clubs where I blend in and become anonymous. That's why I like the big clubs cause I can go alone and disappear. But places like this you're visible to everyone and I felt so uncomfortable. THis girl came up to me and made conversation, who herself was from Australia.
My sister went out of her way to introduce me to people even if they're much younger, so that's nice.

But it's hard being out of my element for so long. I felt kind of sad. Plus, I miss my own friends, my own people.

Anyway, I'm back, back to my world......

rain, and being stuck indoors

sick of it......had a crazy morning but now I'm sitting in my apt alone and sick of being stuck here, so I'm going to go out for yet another late night ride. It's been raining steadily, and I got totally drenched, not kidding, this morning when I took my bike out to meet someone. My shoes are all soaked. So....the mint in my backyard will grow huge and luckily I pulled out the weeds, so that the water will go to the good plants.

There's just so much I have to deal with now that's ugly, stressful. I'm always in conflict, cause my instincts tell me different things at once. But I'm really sick of being stuck in here. I don't know the solution, not yet.

I will be going to the hamptons this weekend so at least I'll be on the beach.......riding waves.

oh, so my dream I remembered: it was a dress I found in a store for $8. I tried it on and it was really pretty, looking like from the antebellum days. I turned and looked in the mirror behind and my back looked like Scarlett's.

I can't stand being stuck in here anymore.

dreams...the past few days

Well, around June 27, in Indy, I dreamt I was at a party. First, there were cats everywhere, I always have this one, that I'm picking up stray cats and trying to take care of them, but they keep disappearing and coming back. THen......I'm at a party where we're in some kind of enclosed space, wood walls. A horror film is playing, but there is someone impersonating one of the characters. I get up to leave and he slaps me. I end up staying, watching. There would have been more, but I was woken up. There was a major storm this night.

The past few nights, well.....I dream often of churches. I'm in and out of them.

A couple nights ago I dreamt of a briefcase full of money, but it was illegal, like drug money. SOmeone had lost it, and I was afraid that whoever it belonged to would find me and get me. At the same time, I wanted the money. It kept turning up in other places.

penis, power?

Is there a power that comes with having a penis? I was thinking that by inserting a (not my, I don't have one) dick in someone you're exercising power over them, dominating them really. Or you have a certain power. I mean, some women have power over some men, but that's not the....well, more like men with wealth have power over all women and many, most men. But say, a higher class woman may have power over a working class man, but in other ways, she doesn't. I think .....the way I see men look at women, not just turning them into objects or paying attention only to their looks, deciding which women they'll harass and which they won't, they are exerting their power over women.
So I was thinking when I was riding my bike.....very unsexy in my helmet and glasses then these guys made a comment at me from a car.
no, well not in every case. If the human race is going to stick around, there has to be intercourse, really. I'm straight, have no plans to become gay even if once in a blue moon there's a woman I'm attracted to or I think about sex with women.
But is anatomy destiny? Men are simply bigger, faster than women. They're built that way, probably born that way. There are moments when men's intentions are good and sex is good, mutual, between equals, caring partners. But the majority of what's out there is not about equality.
The problem is, I don't really love women. I don't hate them. Many women I really do like. But I don't think someone is great just because she's female. There are some I just don't like. I'm not saying I have answers, I'm just putting the question out there.

opinions

Everyone has one. But honestly, especially if it's a controversial topic like religion, what is the point of throwing it out there, trying to force it on others. If you believe, don't believe, it's your decision. But these people who try to speak as the realists and skeptics I find more often than not form their statements on half truths and extreme generalizations. I guess I disagree. I have my beliefs, but I never try to force others to agree with me. What's the purpose of arguing? Are you going to change the other person? Probably not.

auditions

went pretty well for the most part. Steve, the director, is crazy but really good at this. far better than me. it's hard though, cause this is such emotional material. to watch people unravel like this. I'm always wondering what's going on with people but then I see and it's like, please don't tell me all this. It has the potential to be really great. It's far better than the stuff out there now. But this time it's up to me. how else will it get done?

so lovely fans, you can read about this production process here below.

http://threewomennyc.blogspot.com/

the character I'm doing abandons her baby and is in college. I was in college when I first read this play. So I searched for articles on people throwing their babies in dumpsters, and suprisingly many of them turned up. In different parts of the country. So I'm lucky that, despite the problems women have, at least I can get an abortion, the morning after pill if I need it. One of my favorite plays is Slow Dance on the Killing Ground. The girl is walking around Brooklyn at around 1AM looking for an abortionist, and she's alone when she confronts the two other characters. This play was written before abortion became legal, and it's such a gem of a play. She is so similar to the Plath character that this must have been common enough. If you got pregnant then, you were really in trouble. I don't love the idea of abortion, but it is necessary. Still, we have abortion now but all is not great still. We're still not equal. We have abortion, the morning after pill, women bankers. That's the right.....up to the top. But why don't I feel the equality, never have? Cause.....well stories in my family, my mother, me, school, it's complex enough. I had this girl friend in high school who was really pretty, full of potential. I remember her saying she wouldn't have an abortion but she supports the right to choose. This is someone who had the world at her feet. Next thing, she was homeless, starving, moved into a squat, calling herself Tree, and had a kid, under those circumstances. I hope she's well. She herself was badly treated as a kid. She started crying once at Halloween, really seriously. That was one of the few deja vu moments in my life. I still don't think I feel as intensely, nor have I ever, as I did as a teenager. So I mean, we see these shows now about how the ancient Incas sacrificed children and ate them, and we of course are disgusted and horrified, thinking they must have been primitive brutes (thus it's a good thing the Europeans arrived to civilize them?). So if aliens land here and decide to take over Earth, maybe two thousand years from now people will look back at us and say, they threw their babies in dumpsters, they fried people alive in the electric chair, they had savage crack wars, gang fights, they bombed entire civilizations, and we will be seen as savages.

just returned from indy

a mere three days but it felt like a month. It was for the most part a nice visit....but traveling took a day, as I flew to atlanta then changed to indinapolis with three hours in between. Atlanta looks like a cool place I wouldn't mind spending some time in. I may be different from these round the world vagabonders in that...well, for now I wouldn't want to go away for months at a time. Maybe to live somewhere, but NYC is still home, however fucked up. I enjoy coming home like now....to familiar surroundings. It becomes very stressful living out of a suitcase and....but then there's the part of me that says, I want to go to such and such a place and I need a change....I think sometimes I have to get out of the US, maybe I will, like spend time in Berlin or Egypt. My next trip will be, well, I really miss the whole UK, I really, really do. Sometimes it just is painful to read about anything from there, or anyone, and not be there. I never thought I'd be saying this but I miss the place. It just feels "right." Sometimes I think I never should have returned. BUt like I said, I get homesick. Also, back to Berlin, like to study and work. Or Egypt. LA. My next little trip will be South America, like in February next year. That way, cause their summer is our winter, when I'm freezing here I can think about how great the beach is going to be. Peru, Argentina, but not for too long, just a few weeks.

so tomorrow are the auditions.....

After a while I have to shut off....can't think, xcept.....no brainer stuff.

recent of me green!!!!!!!!! 

so much,

I got about a hundred submissions for my play. Lots of women interested. I think I know pretty fast who I want to cast just from photos. Some people just have interesting faces and eyes, which leads me to think their personalities are interesting. BUt those people are rare. I want to find these relationships where sparks fly, with a male or female, but it's hard. When I finally do find people like that, well.....
I just seem to be running into a lot of people who I just don't connect to. Maybe to some readers this sounds like a righteous woe is me rant but I keep trying and trying but I'm just not finding them, although my dear reader you may be an exception. I am not like most bloggers I see where there is a lot of chatty material and photos. Personally, no hard feelings, but that doesn't interest me.

so this one guy was posting comments and had a weird, moving blog but he disappeared. I know nothing about him. It's strange how I deeply connect with so few people and it's not for lack of trying. I TRY so hard to get along with "everyone" but getting along is not the same as.....

it's fun getting headshots and making creative decisions but it's also really annoying to be constantly having to open, resave, delete emails cause I get messages saying my storage is full.

I was thinking of comments my mother sometimes makes about other women. These are gorgeous women who look like models, at least I thought so, and she'll say, "She looks like a man. She looks like a drag queen." Really catty, huh?

requiem for a dream

been wanting to watch this for a while now....whew! pretty sordid. But the acting was superb, by everyone. Really disturbing though. I'm squeamish about sores and gross stuff. yick. I know now not to take diet pills.....

me and west....in brooklyn  

Berlin graffiti 

me and punzy 

late working

I'm going in to interview at this news station.....it's really freaky. But if I get it, the pay is good and the hours flexible. I can't complain. Still.....I'm going ahead with the show and performance plans....I know there are all these important things in life but art is important. It's the only thing I care about, except for certain individuals in my life.

But sending out p and reses I see a lot of good stuff but so much....the troubled teen daughter and her mother dramas. Well, I've been down that road, not as a mother but the other thing. I'm still a troubled teenage daughter. Still, I'm so sick of these themes. I'm looking for fleshed out, crazed, oozing with life, something, characters. I've found a few. But so much that's being produced is mediocre-sounding. What's really annoying is this ad for a travel show host who shouldn't have a north american accent (and this was a north american paper) and should be UK or Oz. Uh, why? People have so many stereotypes, like that Americans don't travel or don't want to experience the world. Uh, please give it a rest. I know I'm bitching. You can call it constructive criticism.

But....onto my project.....

although that urge to go somewhere is back again. Maybe there will come a time when travel is simple. I've been thinking of favorite destinations, though there's something to be said about everywhere. But I remember Switzerland as an absolutely gorgeous place, stunning. So was the chocolate! Take Swiss Air, no kidding, and make sure there are a few hours in between flights to see Zurich. Also, Alexandria Egypt. Just really fascinated by that place....and I almost didn't go but something told me to. Think what I'd have missed! Well, those are my recommendations.



next day: June 13

Had the interview and the people seemed pretty nice overall. THe woman interviewing me said, "We had some criticism last summer...." and well, whatever, I got to see the other POV. Well, for me civil rights and women's rights are a priority and I didn't vote for Bush but.....well I don't know. I can't count on getting this job but it was ....it went fairly well. I made a mistake in mentioning my blog and my trip to Egypt. Well, I'm not telling them about this one; it's private.

Yes you reading this have the priviledge of knowing what those around me don't know.

So....another thing.....I walked all over the city today. That's my new thing: I walk EVERYWHERE. It's not that I can't take the train. But I feel so free walking places and not being crammed into a car. I walk over the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridge a zillion times per day. I don't understand these men and this obsession of theirs with trying to pick up women. I know, I've heard the argument: they're trying to meet women. Others say that's bullshit. But we're supposed to feel grateful for what is an invasion of space. Intense stares, one liners, walking too close.....I used to really fight them back. So many of them are in pretty bad shape those I leave behind. I guess I sympathize that they're......down and out. But we shouldn't have to beg for these crude advances or want them.....it's none of your fucking business if I want to walk down the street. Oh, well, thank god/dess you noticed me I've been waiting all my life for your blessing so I can go outside. Fine, give me money. Give me a job. ?

right as I write this

at 10 til 2 AM there is a chopper over my back yard and cop cars outside. It was shining the light pretty much right at my back yard. I haven't committed any crimes! But what the fuck's going on? This happened before about three months ago, except it flew even lower. THe cops knocked on my window and went through my place to the back yard cause allegedly someone went back there. The whole time I've lived here, knock wood, there have been no break ins.....no, one thing happened, but upstairs. I walk around here at 2 AM or so or at night every night and haven't been bothered. But I don't know what the hell all this is about. They should really tell us. I'm just....I just want to get out of this place. I'm really done with it but I'm stuck here for now.

bike crash

actually, to add to what I wrote: I'm better now. At the hospital the medic told me I'd feel much worse today but it's ok for the most part. The sores are tender but healing quickly, but that's cause I'm a vampire......
I showered and it wasn't TOO bad. Just had to maneuver my way around more. Dish soap is good for these kinds of things cause it kills bacteria and dries it out.
G and I reconciled later, and he was genuinely worried about me. He called me about five times when I was waiting to be seen, so I should be fair. Still, well, maybe it's the new moon. I am a new moon baby, sun leo, moon virgo (if you read more on astrology you'll understand) that's not perfect new moon but pretty close. The new moon always affects me pretty intensely and I sounded not so great in what I wrote but I get very emotional during these times, rather than at full moon. And this weekend was pretty jam packed.

So, this news station I interviewed at actually sent me an email asking me to come in to meet with their higher ups.....it's so weird. First they said they had to hire someone right away and that was a month ago so I had assumed they found someone else. But I saw them advertise the same job on a message board. And it's basically the same job I interviewed for back in February. This is a very conservative station and I won't say which cause.....I don't want this to show up in a web search. It's just kind of freaky. But....I need a job badly. And I know other people who work, well one for another paper which is in the same building and another who was an intern. But for now....I really wanted to bartend but I've been such a slacker about it, plus the show I'm doing, plus G has this kitten who just went into heat and who needs to be fixed.



yesterday I was riding my bike along flatbush ave and this woman opened her car door, when I was about two feet away. I couldn't stop the bike in time: no, actually, I was literally IN FRONT of her car passing (maybe in her blind spot but she should have looked anyhow) when she got out without looking. I crashed into the door then my bike spun and I was thrown about 10 feet. I think I hit my head, and fortunately I had a helmet on, or I may have been killed. I did, however, land on my elbows and hip and although nothing is broken, I have two abrasions which are very, extremely annoying and uncomfortable, my shoulder is sprained and painful to move, plus my right pinkie is sprained as well. Maybe it's that I'm big boned, pretty much, but how this didn't get even worse is a testimony to, I don't know. But I had decided to go for a ride with G, he wanted to, but then he had gotten mad at me when I couldn't keep up with him and lost him. He rides like a total maniac through traffic and everything and twice we were separated by cars or crowds of people. So we had a big dispute and I said, I'm going home. So, riding home, already upset, that's when this happened. So, I was.....I can get hysterical if I'm under extreme duress, and I was. This girl said, calm down miss, called the cops/ambulence, and the woman who opened her door, she had just kind of smirked and said, I'm sorry, then took off to a store nearby or something. So, anyhow, an ambulence was called, then G called me, and I said you almost got me killed you shit, and hung up on him. So....after hours of paperwork and sitting in the waiting room, and I didn't even know where I was, before I realized I was at the hospital near Fort Greene Park, I got examined and it turned out I had these skin abrasions. So now, I can't shower, lifting my arms is painful, sleep is difficult, if I were working now it would cause problems there.

busy with show and work

I'll be doing a staging of a verse play. I have one person interested in directing, and some actresses. I'm doing it cause I want to play the Girl. It's Plath's Three Women. I've been into that part for years. It'll be alot of work but I'm psyched! Probably at abcno rio.

possibly another....the inmate show, I was asked to audition. I'm so overwhelmed now and yesterday I went through an unbelievable amount of fucking bullshit. I woke up this morning with knots in my neck and shoulders.

But good news..........Cinderella's going to the ball! This show I've been wanting to see, I"ll be there. I am so happy to have some fun .....and....wear green again!

I'm getting emails now from various people. Now I know what it's like to be on the other side. well, another time on this subject.

found this awesome zine at abcnr: slug and lettuce. It's so comforting to be reading this after all those years of living in ......it's all punk, vegan, animal rights, and pro-feminist (so many of these activist communities are not the last).

found out about this Clitfest in Minneapolis......may go!

this is the sex party a friend of mine did to sell lingerie. sex is big biz! where's all the money going, though. my astrological chart says I'm an eighth house personality (that's the house of death and sex) even tho my sun sign is Leo.  

I've been reading

about people leaving for months for world travel. I do want to do that myself. But I also enjoy coming home, back to familiar surroundings. I can't just give up my place and take off......or can I? I read this autobiography of a dancer who did just that. She said something about being driven by impulse, that she does that despite plans she made. Something about being intuitive not rational. I think it's a combination of both. Sometimes I did things impulsively and they turned out to be the right thing. I guess you never know.

But I am seeing I'm probably not an office worker. I'm a performer, I thrive on insanity (some) and.....I'm hyperactive by nature. That's why I nearly lost it at my last job. Just sitting there for hours....who can do it? It's unnatural. I see these women walking around in stilletto heels all day and I don't know how they do it.