Bloody Mary

"In our country the worst of all crimes occurs when the government murders truth. If it can murder truth, it can murder freedom. If it can murder freedom, it can murder your own sons--if they should dare to fight for freedom-- and then it can announce that they were killed in an industrial accident, or shot by the "enemy" or God knows what." Jim Garrison (prosecutor for JFK [ cold case]/ murder conspiracy) closing statement. 

"People can take everything from you/but they can never take away your truth/the question is/can you handle mine?" additional lyrics to "My Perogative" performed by Britney Spears I'm assuming written by
Bloodshy & Avant are a Swedish songwriting and production duo of Christian Karlsson (Bloodshy) and Pontus Winnberg (Avant).  

oh interesting......my great grandfather's name was Carl Christian. 

I have found it very difficult to focus or discipline myself today I suppose it's lack of sleep and that I expended so much energy yesterday plus just fried. But my mind kicks in ADD or whatnot endless pinging of stuff against my skull..... so here I am recording it......as it comes. Or am I mildly autistic? ????? Be still my mind. 


I never understood the lyrics of the song "Edge of 17" but just found them on the internet they are brilliant, brilliant man. 

"In a flood of tears
That no one really ever heard fall at all
When I went searchin' for an answer
Up the stairs and down the hall
Not to find an answer
Just to hear the call
Of a nightbird singin'
(Come away)
(Come away)"


This song was released according to Wiki (abbreviations abbv. ) Feb. 5, 1980. 

On Feb 5, 1963 Sylvia Plath wrote her last poem, "Edge." 

".....Each dead child coiled, a white serpent,   

One at each little

Pitcher of milk, now empty.   

She has folded

Them back into her body as petals   

Of a rose close when the garden

Stiffens and odors bleed

From the sweet, deep throats of the night flower."

Bloody Mary makeup look by Jaqalynn on DeviantArt

jaqalynn.deviantart.com900 × 1365Search by image

Bloody Mary makeup look by Jaqalynn Bloody Mary makeup look by Jaqalynn

 interesting the name Bloody Mary sprung up.....but my friends and I tried that too.....no image appeared. But a wedding I went to ended in.....someone severing an artery when she walked through a glass windowand there was a pool of blood all over the floor. By the stroke of (ty) Lady Luck, there was a nurse at the party who saved this woman's life. She did a makeshift tourniquet on her leg. The marriage, sadly, did not work out. But such it is sometimes. I am remembering.....a few times mirrors cracked and it freaked the fuck out of me at the time. All the implications that go with it.....a part of me says the legend is bull but another is thinking, well.....maybe a trickster of some kind. Truthfully there'd been a guy involved when this stuff happened and she allegedly being a psychic on future husbands.....none of these men were right for me. ?

http://www.nikkietutorials.com/site/2012/10/makeup-tutorial-easy-bloody-mary-halloween/

another make up girl did this look......somehow the image resonates with me more if it's a real person made up.....

and by the way I didn't copy Lady Gaga with this reference didn't even know she did a song with that title
guess geniuses think alike (!)
  '

War and Peace.....

reading this now. I'm totally glued to it if it's a long book it doesn't seem that way.....the style of writing is warm and friendly .....on pg 43 so far.....started this today.....actually now I'm on page 100. A part of me is thinking this is in so many ways the same story as Gone with the Wind though this came first. It's nwesome though what can I say?

love vs. hate?

listening to some punk rock music I haven't in a while.....a band SFA whom I personally know. This is a truly brilliant album I can say now listening because at the time I wasn't in a position to .....my judgement was more clouded then. Love or hate? Love or hate everyone? Love is hard......you can hate someone because you love them and on it goes or use hate sometimes to defend love......or fight for love or fight with one you love and .....love is hard work and takes everything out of a person at times.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9b8krfC2YI

been eating

like my life depends on me stuffing my face. the opposite of last week. such it is my weight has always gone up and down. I was a cherubic baby and Sunday's child. "The child born on Sabbath Day is......[?]" 7th month 25th day nearly the 7th hour......birth certificate said 7:01 pm but I don't think that's accurate. I always saw my ascendant sign as Scorpio. Because if ever someone existed who rose from ashes repeatedly, like several times a day each day of my life I have or .....I can only speak for myself maybe that's everyone. I think of a film I haven't seen but want to: the film Unbroken. I did see Imitation Game and loved it for all its flaws it's gorgeous and brilliantly acted......so I may not be an American POW in a Japanese camp but I am.....I suppose there are different ways to fight a battle. The level of difficulty.....well, who knows.Am I a code-breaker? I tried to do one crossword puzzle and got stuck on the first one. eeh. Though I am good with languages. I'm good at languages. Focus on strengths, not weaknesses. A weakness? Don't show them: but I suck at basketball.

last days of Berlin Wall

"I thought every German was you/and the language obscene.....at twenty I tried to die/and get [back] to you" Sylvia Plath 

I suppose but .....something how it not being a beach day it's not as easy to lay back and party with friends though maybe you do anyway that is if you have friends probably not cuz no one wants to be with you cuz you're too damn depressing.....so you write great poetry nevertheless... ......cheesy but true? n'est-ce pas?

dream

I was buying Easter candy for a guy.....someone I know of. I am in a gift shop of some kind I see birthday candles but go outside, and I am in the woods running. Then on a stage but it's dark and empty. Lightning. I am saying something but forgot what. I am running or something.....then go to my friend. I forget something, so return but this time in flip flops. I am on the same dark stage after visiting the store.....I run down the stairs which are uneven and rocky but a guy is in front of me. He says I have a girlfriend waiting for me I say I'm not after you sir I just need to get back too. I am trying to run in the same foresty area like a park, but in flip flops. It is dark and scary, lightning.....I am making a speech of some kind. I am looking for the same candy.....

Church light

Perfect angle

Jodi's letter

Marilyn in NYC

Phone charging. I am happy to say I have seen a ton of great art around the city. There was an opening at my school lots of interesting people a girl with sneakers on and a bouquet of flowers in her bag (I guess I'm a trendsetter? Wouldn't have expected that) or who knows coincidence but I don't believe in coincidences what should I do? Sue? Trademark infringement? I will post more on this later.....

Clara Barton .....this saved me.....

Due to a few stresses that are fairly minor but which caused a lot of problems for me today; feeling very tired and on the verge, or past it......I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was suddenly better. Where I'd been horrible before and thinking why don't I just kill myself; I can't deal. So that I woke up suddenly infused with energy and, well, fairly normal.....pretty much a miracle. I went to the library, searching randomly, found a book on women in United States history; and found a chapter on Clara Barton. I'd heard her name but knew nothing of her history. When I read what she went through; lest you thought women simply sat around the house til the last century; she traveled around the world and through several wars tending soldiers and once worked, according to the story, five days straight with three hours' sleep. Not to mention what I read of soldiers lying out in the cold bleeding, in pain and without modern medicine or hospitals. She helped found the American chapter of the Red Cross which saved countless lives and much faster and more efficiently than before.

weight loss from poisoning

I looked in the mirror and .....whoa! I've thinned out. I look like a friggin addict, BUT HAVE NOT DONE ANY DRUGS. Haven't even had caffeine til late this morning, with the exception of a couple Diet Cokes on Monday. There is a reason for that. It's because I ingested something poisonous and much heroin is mixed with rat poison which is the real reason so many addicts turn sickly looking. I do not and have never used heroin. I am recuperating, though. It's also the onset of my period and oftentimes I get nauseous a couple days before. My body goes through this weird thing where it thinks it's pregnant. I was walking near Central Park and thought of the scene in Rosemary's Baby where Mia Farrow's character is in pain and it suddenly stops.....Now I know how that is!

Inconvenient Truths: ~~Jodi's Art ~What Is She Trying to Tell Us?~~"Tea...

Inconvenient Truths: ~~Jodi's Art ~What Is She Trying to Tell Us?~~"Tea...: 





Art by Jodi.


Makes me think of this:



link below don't know why it's not highlighted but scroll down:

Tears by Missing Persons


Kind of cheesy but there you are same title anyway

Recovery

Sleep and Monster (2) and......well, sleep makes a difference. My family helped me. For which I am grateful. TY :-)) Two young women friends of mine just gave birth.....I'm sitting in a pricey but cute little enclave on west 57 just came back from Sunset Park, Bklyn AND the dead. I was so miserable before I was like please God (or whatever is there) just kill me..........but ......here I am......still alive. Thanks to help really......  It's been an exhausting and tumultuous couple months. Kind of like a boxing match. If I came out victorious it was not without getting bloodied and battered. BUT alas I am here and.....thankful if feeling scarred and wounded. I hurt my knee too and walking, which I did in place of running, was nonetheless hard work and painful with a dull persistent ache in my knee and huffing and puffing. I did however stop in barnes and nobles and found a copy.of The Bell Jar and began reading Sense and Sensibility. And watched I suppose Stanley Kubricks first film. It goes to show you I mean if you compare this with his later films this one was.....um.....pretty silly, botched and amateurish. It still was incredibly stylish. He did start out as a photographer. I can't get thus out of my mind he and Sylvia Plath were then running in the same circles in NYC both ultimately ended up in London anyway I suppose it's my own ADD or such I get fixated on things most people don't......

this cheered me up

I was feeling miserable from a litany of personal issues plus physically .....
For a month and half I had no phone hence why I wasn't on social social networking much. In a way it was kind of liberating. I did a lot of stuff I missed out on like reading. Nonetheless I am grateful to have a phone my mom helped me.
I felt like death yesterday it could be a number of things but I'm going to get screened for lyme just to be safe. I'm thinking about all the times I ducked into the bushes to pee like when running through the park. Thank you to all who helped me sorry for my behavior )



 Link Below

http://matthewgraygublet.tumblr.com/post/76481337746/matthew-gray-gubler-puppies-kittens

Back.....

Been a while forgive me I wasn't feeling well but I am a little better. This week was tumultuous.....I had a dream earlier today that I was in some kind of rural setting and ended up in a house .....made of.....not sure.......not an expert on the material but it was large stones and there was writing on the walls that became more and more intricate. Someone standing behind me said this used to be a church it's kind of creepy and it was.....but it was so detailed I'd never seen this before that I can recall.
Maybe it was like one I'd passed in Harlem not sure.....
A few months ago I dreamt of a house in the Hamptons I later saw advertised in one of their papers.
A swimming pool.....I dream constantly of houses, water.....

Got a phone

After a month or so.....horrendous. BUT thanks to some help from Mom and Chris and there being a radio shack in Bklyn I got it. I have been through a tornado.....moving on

so darling, I so love the kitties)

http://www.ya-baby.littlebudha.com/baby-baboon-lion-mother/?utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=monkey_tree&utm_campaign=baby-baboon-lion-mother


Lioness felt compassion for the baby baboon so took him back to his family......

back.....I wrote

a lot of stuff by hand but somehow have to translate to type. I was feeling a little under the weather but am back, sort of. everything now is a big mess and chaos so trying to sift through it. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Travis

I just read a letter he allegedly wrote about …..eh. Some stuff he did that was less than stellar. He's admitting his guilt. Not excusing what he did but you know personally I'm sorry for what happened to him people like him are usually victims of abuse and desperately need help. I don't think he deserved to die. 

The whole catch-22 of this trial is …..the maneuvering of the system trial after trial, appeal after appeal…..who are we to criticize another country's fucked up legal system when, look at ours. Honestly, I don't like to say this, I'm not a lawyer but from what I've read and do know so much of this trial WAS ILLEGAL to begin with so how do you appeal point by point…..what went wrong about this case happened largely off the books. Jury tampering is a crime. Evidence tampering and withholding too. Juan Martinez stepped out of line by abusing and threatening the defendant and any witnesses for her. Even if the girl was guilty as Cain, even if she DID premeditate and kill in cold blood, and I believe in my heart of hearts she did not, but even if she did…..she was under mental duress (temporary insanity) and prior to this had no record of violence. I don't believe she did it. She is not a danger to anyone, any more. She has done her time. If it were up to me I'd let her out and that would be that; sadly, it's not up to me. 

apparently

According to Judge Dickhead Wherever, I'm not a journalist. Well, that's his opinion. 

I have no doubt in my mind, nor have I ever, that I CAN be but it's a lot of work and I'm struggling to keep up with my todo list as it is.  Maybe because anyone can blog or no one is paying me. Like the Cyndi Lauper song Money Changes Everything. I write only because something in me cannot not. I was advised always get it down get it down however you can. I SHOULD eventually get paid because I know I'm as good if not better than so many who are working for magazines and the Daily News …..I know absolutely there are many credible reporters out there with 100 percent intention of giving news to the public and telling the truth; and they do. 
However, sigh. I've read a lot of articles in more tabloid-like papers and magazines (Glamour) that are maybe half true, half basically fabricated. Not basically, are. Not to mention one reporter for a major paper who thought Detroit is in Minnesota, or some insane thing? Geography expertise I guess is not a requirement. No one is perfect I know. So my point…..I started this site because to tell my story it was what was in front of me: a computer and google and my ability to write. I was advised to record it and just write and write (I read that bit from Joyce Carol Oates) and who can tell it better than me? 

So. 

yesterday

I sprained my left knee again on the stairs and was pretty hysterical.....people tried to approach me but I admit I screamed at them to get away. Just I was in panic mode, but I feel really bad about it now. Through Times Square up and down stairs and all over the city with this blinding pain this time my left knee; two years ago it'd been my right. Once I got to my friend's house he gave me ice and water, I swallowed four Advils and eventually the swelling went down. I know I can go to the ER and have insurance but for what? I sat there last time for five hours only to be told I sprained it and given a Tylenol. Now it's sore but I can walk. Being inactive does not sit well with me. I also slept for.....I stopped counting the hours. The weather is getting nicer and the trees are blooming sounds corny but this is such an improvement from the past few weeks, months which were just gloomy and .....so many things happening around the world that are so tragic and awful. A few people had showed up to where I live and were staying there for a while who caused a litany of problems and it's taken me this long to clean up the mess they left. They caused major problems in my life and in my friends'. Also I saw the name (twice) of someone who has hurt me in the past, very maliciously and deliberately. I have to gather myself somehow......

things one takes for granted

It is easy to focus on the things we want and don't have but reading a little on the law of attraction it does make me realize, and be thankful for so many things. Especially during these treacherous two months I mean maybe it's bad planets or something I don't know but there's been so much .....
but I realize there are so many things I have that are easy to take for granted: I read about people dying and obviously I have life, health, hope and my IDs and friends and school and Internet and what I went through made me realize what I have. Seems every year I go through some form of this and so much these past couple months could have killed me plus coming under the radar of a few people who are not nice, period, not well-intentioned. It's one thing to be resentful, another to actively try to hurt, completely unprovoked, someone you don't know and who never did anything to you. How.....just so much ugliness and horror. The building collapse in the East Village, the plane crash, that girl getting raped on the beach with 300 onlookers. That speaks for itself. I helped out two women who were victims of domestic violence, I've stepped between couples where the man was going to attack the woman, I've had to call cops a few times in different places. This kind of thing enrages me. There's no excuse for not doing anything, for not helping. But I'll leave that alone for now. This is why I don't go to these places this isn't the first incident like this.

stuff on the subway

I saw a poster of a man in a flannel shirt, one of those ads. Above this someone drew, with a pen, one of those triangles with an eye in it. ????? huh????? the #1. Oh, yes. Now, standing right in front of this poster was a man, in almost the same flannel shirt, with a beard like the man in the ad. Insane, huh? More cryptic graffiti. Someone drew an eye over the foreheads of these people in a poster. I found on the subway coming from Brighton Beach this flyer thing for a site called Godsarise I think it was. Someone trying something, but for what? For whom?

Editing

Spanish for "to edit" since I'm learning: editar

Can't .....call it ADD OCD what have you: can't think about anything but this sequence of seemingly  unrelated stuff......all to form a narrative but of what? Well WTF cares......it is what it is.

what I wrote on the subway over NYTM article on Toni Morrison with a pink marker

(Not this this is Roxette again)
"Hit the road out of nowhere/I had to jump in my car/and be a rider in the love game /following the stars"

This is what I wrote:

If we are equal how does this young man have power to change my fate and bend gravity and whatever else the stars and planets do to.....is it because he always had it or that I gave it to him? .....the million dollar question n'est-ce pas? No one knows the answer to that. To me I don't feel privileged or blessed though in so many ways I am. Yes I have to remember. But what a burden it is sometimes! If I sucked I could just toss in the towel. But don't so I can't. 

This is from the NYT article on Toni Morrison (I have read a couple of her books: Song of Solomon and Bluest Eye, I believe. 

Charles Dickens on Lorain, OH (I was born in Columbus) "I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so destitute of humor, vivacity or the capacity of enjoyment." Maybe because I am from Columbus, not Loraine (Alsace Lorraine in France is where Jeanne d'Arc is from) but this is not how I recall Ohio or the Midwest. It's not that....it IS like Fargo: people are typically chatty, smiley and love to make small talk including at the corner store and the cash register. But .....maybe things changed since 1842. Dickens himself may have met my great great grandparents, or some relation from the past of mine, as some of my family settled there initially from Germany.  I also read his book when I was in London.....More on him another time.

Sandusky OH (for your next Trivial Pursuit game if this q comes up) is where Sugar Kane is from, the MM character from Some Like it Hot.


Can barely stand, barely walk, but I will run. 

Thought it was all settled and that () was the one when fate intervened.....could have happened anywhere but it happened here at [exact address redacted but not the name, not yet] Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, NY, USA, EARTH in the form of a young man named Brett. You know the story: you somewhere and in walks a young man and......there was a snag in way to.....to.....all was not what she'd imagined or thought.


Toni Morrison published an essay: "Rootedness: The Ancestor as Foundation" 
[the novel] "Has always functioned for the class or the group that wrote it.....[AA-based literature accomplished] "certain very strong functions" now that "we don't live in places where we can hear these stories anymore."

trains and clothes

"Don't need no fortune teller/to know where my lucky love belongs" Song Joyride by Roxette 

Thank you.......)
  This cake looks like.....some years ago I wedding I was at, or in rather......um......beautiful until a girl walked through a glass door and was bleeding all over the floor. She was saved, literally, by one of the guests who happened to be nurse who applied a makeshift tourniquet til the ambulance arrived. Glass house! For a wedding reception! The procession prior to, which I was part of, was very poignant and moving, ceremonial and religious. This was a relatively old Episcopal church in Evanston made of white stones, near where we used to live. That wasn't my first wedding that one before I was.....maybe seven, not sure. I think it was in Ohio. A friend, a boy a couple years older than me, was I think trying to drink the vodka. Maybe that's what spurred me some years later to where I am......B. Brighton Beach......

Hodi/cras

was du heu·te kannst be·sor·gen, das ver·schie·be nicht auf mor·gen

stitch in time saves nine
 

left knee sprain

I slept well, for the most part. While walking, as I'd run the day before, yesterday going up or down some stairs suddenly a sharp terrible pain this time in my left knee so bad I cried out. This happened while I was meeting a friend at a coffee shop. I was able to more or less walk but woke up with my knee stiff and barely able to stand. Now, a few hours later, I can walk but my left leg is still stiff. I can't .....stand to be idle. I was used to running an hour a day. I simply won't. I can go to the ER but the last time I sat there for five hours only to be told I'd sprained it and given a tylenol. I tell myself (I bought a bottle of Advils) I can read all the stuff I have with me, Vanity Fair, the book Twilight (which I'd found in Carroll Gardens)yes I'll be OK as I am a chronic worrier. But the chairs are uncomfortable so if my friend does not get back to me or if he does really I'm looking forward to re-joining the living because what else can I do?

maybe

we are all psychic and know things without their being told. all this though is not always clearly defined maybe in fragments that haven't come together leaving you to scramble to understand their meaning. At least for me. I do see signs everywhere I wish.....on license plates billboards stickers on the computer in front of me ......
art is essential and always has been and all life ......how do I say? natural inclination is to make a formation of something new out of the dust surrounding them. to bring to life...... maybe sounds corny but true. without it around us where'd we be? it's everything. 

Loopy Laura 
Somewhere in NYC
USA 
EARTH
(that last I was inspired by Joyce Carol Oates)

Jodi Arias Interrogation Tape. Part 1

8/25 That date is not a happy one for me. I'm so moved by this……All I can say is …..I have been all over the place on the subject of guilt/innocence in people. I've seen people do stuff with my own eyes and lie about it later but I've seen instances like this where…..I have to take into account I wasn't there to see it so I can't say absolutely they did not do this. An article I read on false confessions said the phenomenon is you simply cannot really tell the difference between a genuine and forced one. If not forced at least so much pressure is put on someone if you've ever been in a situation ( I have til you break but that does not mean anything it just means under the circumstances being desperate to get out of a situation you say what you don't mean.) But…..there's more to this. Like I said I don't know these people I wasn't there…..all I know is what I have seen and read. oh yes and how during an interrogation they will …..well lie. So much duress that emotionally a person is vulnerable but what does that say? 

Jodi Arias: Not who you think she is (if you think she is a lying sociopath murderess)

http://jodiariasisinnocent.com


http://jodiarias.blogspot.com


The real Ms. Arias and the truth about this case and not the sensationalism flaunted in your face on TV. OK, to their credit, much of the mainstream media has given her a chance to speak her side. But there are so many lies and distortions about her and what happened with Travis. It's a sad thing that there is so much injustice in America, in any place. It's a real struggle to get the truth out there. But one can start on these sites. I have faith, very strong, in her. 

RAW: Jodi Arias full interview footage

Meth Bunny?

The way contraband could be smuggled it does get creative…..

Easter Bunny


this is insane! $30,000! 

question is always where does it all go once it's seized…..?

in Paris

I haven't written much about places I traveled as I had handwritten a lot of stuff but realize I never published it. Here's a summary of what happened when I was in Paris as I used to take a lot of weekend   trips ……back to London, Berlin, Hamburg…..hm. Well anyway this is some of what I experienced.


Last time I went I ended up at midnight at my hotel which was shuttered, leaving me …..at night somewhere on the main road…..to find a place to stay in a huge hurry. The cab driver eventually took me to a place where I told the man there, I believe he was African, not sure, in jagged French my situation. Turned out he spoke English but was impressed with my French…..so I ended up in what was I suppose a hostel but fortunately had the room to myself. It was like four bunk beds…..in the hallway was a candy machine with a broken window and outside…..a huge gang of guys as a female walking into this I don't know if it would have been worse if I was male, or not as bad…..but I was grabbed walking in. They were extremely aggressive rarely does it go this far where I'm from. I got into the hotel and there was nothing to do once I was in. Fell asleep to wake up the next morning walking--Oh not without another of these men pouncing on me as I made my way out of the hotel. Or hostel…..?somehow made my way over to where the Left Bank is and there found a little hotel, off the main register, I guess. Very cute this one. There was more to this but…... Some other time for that…..I love Paris really one of my main favorite cities along with NYC and ……well ok there really is something to be said for every place. Really there is.
It's hard for me to say such a place is my favorite because it doesn't mean that others…….well…..?

Maybe something in me would … ..that first place was near Sacre Cour. I love it over there really gorgeous, near Montmartre. Oh, yes…..taking a cab through the city the first night there was a little bar lit up with yellow light really like in the paintings, and a woman in there with flaming red hair probably a hooker.  I mean it's crazy how things don't change …...

hey

I have been writing but this that I'm working on is very emotional and deep and is cutting to root of what I've been through in the past month. It's volatile and going to touch a lot of nerves, but it's great. It's the truth. There's a lot I'm hesitant to publish because it's not favorable to some people. I needed to get this down, though…..it's a lot. I had a treacherous three weeks and am very shaken and rattled by it but…..? here I am. Story of my life I seem to always step into combat even though I don't actively seek that out. Always like being in a tornado and yeah your friend can fuck off because I washed that goddamned floor every morning when no one else did. By the way. But this and I'm getting my period…..summer in London trying to find Yeats' house and yes where Sylvia Plath committed suicide yeah it's fucked up and morbid but people do this stuff you know. I knew which place it was before seeing the address. You just know, sometimes. Right then my period started and …..I couldn't…..stop it fortunately I was wearing clothes that could conceal it then walking around trying to find a place where I could take care of this……blood gushing out from me but trying to act normal. I finally found like a coffee shop and bought a muffin or something then went in the bathroom and stuffed tissue in my panties as much as I could. Then the next day the phone incident and being held hostage, my father on the phone and for a time they thought it was a kidnapping. Really stupid yeah I mean I admit I wasn't thinking clearly. It could have of course been far worse. I didn't plan to get my period or try to make a collect call (ok dumb I know but I thought I had asked this person and could not understand what he was saying back to me)…..was it that night I got robbed? At least my passport was in my room but the key was lost a huge security breach and considering what happened in Perugia or well anywhere but the people hanging around outside that place were not nice. They were the kind who would do something like that. For as flimsy a reason as to take money or jewelry. It was really a mess but why do I keep thinking back to this? Just that I keep getting into scary situations then wonder how the fuck I got out alive. I don't plan to do it. But it happens. I had wanted to see the Yeats house but even everything …..I don't know why I felt so dazed and otherworldly or like I was it maybe was beyond just that I was in an unfamiliar place.  Whatever there's always that element but…..it was every day this kind of stuff. I have been to a lot of places or at least a decent number but…..? I am mortified sometimes looking back…..I mean at my own impulsive …..I wasn't really thinking but unaware how visible I was. My friend once told me I stood out. What is that? I don't try to. Oh God I do feel terrible guilt about certain things. So much that I had to shut it out because …..I didn't want to be surrounded by that and aware of how…..even if it wasn't intentional it was it happened and…..I wanted to well no one likes that feeling. I saw an interview with Susan Atkins where she talks about this……"Charlie" telling them while they were in an LSD dream world that there's no such thing as guilt. Don't like feeling guilty? So don't. Where does that leave a person? I can't not feel it because I mean I do have ethics as a person. Always feeling that but what could I do but move on? So yeah I acted shoddily and wish it'd been otherwise but what do I do? Try to make it up? How? It was…..

watching The Imitation Game

so far pretty great.....

"Sometimes it's those you would imagine nothing of that do the unimaginable." Not dumb, huh?

Jodi's blog

She's .....wow. Amazing writer. Very eloquent and just brilliant. only two months. 

http://jodiarias.blogspot.com/


http://jodiarias.blogspot.com/ 


There is a presence of something I know I feel it it's all surfacing.
Things music I'm listening to stuff I am reading syncing and now maybe due to lack of sleep a perpetual feeling of being underwater. 

But feeling still so stunned by everything that happened yesterday.....

Some things are sad. Some a relief.

Thinking back to when I was living in Jersey City that was only two years ago but I'm thinking what an innocent that me was. I was blankly clueless.I had to take three trains to get into the city and it's weird how things make sense in retrospect but not at the time. Maybe there's something in me that just couldn't deal with it. I don't know what to do except.....????? Do it again.

image.....lime

why did that come to mind? brainstorming for images to post? Maybe because it's bright green and full of citrus and a part of me though I showered feels dirty or smudged, I don't know.

Reading Jodi's handwritten diaries brought with a glare the summer/fall and J and what I went through. J is alive, albeit in jail.....yeah I did love him and he me in his bizarre and demented way. But it wasn't to be and I needed to move on. He? desperately needs help but what can I do? But Jodi's journal lines out so well what happens to people during the grieving process.....the shock, sadness, feeling of being lost, your world turned upside down.....you have to psychologically distance yourself, shift zones or whatnot, because what it is in front of you is.....what you simply can't face. And being  feeling betrayed by someone you believed in, that you were willing to give a chance in your life. It's just horrible but you can't face it "I'll think about that tomorrow" Scarlett said because it's impossible to face or deal with it now. And sensing something.....but it not clearly defined, you're left without answers and in your mind endlessly going over details and frustrated .....shaken up really. After so many months I finally moved on. Sometimes I feel anger at what he put me through how I was thrown into .....you don't have answers and no one understands because they weren't there there's so much more to the story and what's out there is at best incomplete, at worst an absurd blatant lie. Being in a pile of rubble and the only thing to do is yet again dust yourself off and move on. From what's obvious and also unexplained, why me? why me? Some other time for that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do I do? What do I do?

Dreams of J. Visiting him with my mom and sister. Her purse gets lost. Up and down stairs. Looking for it.

Jodi's Journal

Jodi's Journal 


I didn't know anything except a strand of ribbon......


Just don't believe she did it.


Would someone who just killed a person write this about them? "The most awful thing I've ever had to deal with. It hasn't fully hit me. This can't be real. " Gus Searcy said she'd called him crying hysterically over Travis......I mean if you'd done a thing like murder I don't think you'd be discussing him, crying over him, asking questions you'd just want the thing forgotten. You know, that I feel.


Speaking of Disneyland.....stuff about Amy Winehouse; I mean this is crazy fascinating stuff......the wax figure of her in Mickey ears. There was a stuffed Mickey Mouse doll in the alleyway outside the window of the place in Brighton.....I shrieked when I saw that. Sorry but I'm really creeped out by that stuff.

Free Jodi Ann

I know this is one person, one victim.....and yes there's stuff happening everywhere I acknowledge. But why this particular case? This speaks on so many levels. A line from the film JFK, "A mystery inside a riddle inside and enigma."

I'm listening to the John Digweed CD Global Underground Los Angeles. I am seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye and last night in the dark glowing letters like graffiti art. No I'm not fucking crazy ha. I hadn't slept enough and had had some terrible stress.....that can induce hallucinations. But it's more than that. Maybe they are ghosts, what I'm seeing. Kind of like here there gone.....I listened to this CD the summer after the spring that I walked out of a situation. Up, and out. Like I did recently and last year. One day I'd just stand up walk out and not look back......into what I didn't know. What can I say? I did that this fall then in summer started working at a trade paper listening to techno music walking home occasionally performing at a bar on 40th street. A year later I'd watch the towers fall from 32nd street and, when my displaced family was moved from downtown to a hotel on 50th street my sister found a very weird not that read, "Read the signs and follow the clues. That will lead you to where you watch the news." Pretty cryptic, and made no sense. I didn't want to talk about this subject being such a downer. During Hurricane Sandy I was staying at my mom's downtown and wind kept rattling a local building under construction; a perpetual humming sound and it was loud, too. kind of like up and down. and grating, non stop. We got no wind or rain. Bizarre.
Have to get off that subject. OK another depressing topic but as I saw an ad for a concert with blasting fire onstage, please people do not use pyrotechnics. It simply isn't worth it. It's absurd and unnecessary and .....just don't. No fire is the rule @ St. Marks and for a reason dudes.
Just got an email saying I won not one but several bags of Doritos and they're being mailed to me. Thinking about all those times I had a craving for them now they're all piling up for me.

Last year I read Amanda Knox's autobiography and obsessively followed the details of the Arias case. Saw a documentary on Pussy Riot and in all these instances.....some kind of mass insanity, completely irrational, maybe it's adrenaline or people get a rush out of seeing what looks like justice to them even if it's the opposite of that. The desire to punish a woman, one who does anything attention-getting in some way. That impulsive jump toward freedom, a handstand or the splits, sex.....or? The idea that someone who stepped out of line is getting it now. It's sick. Just sick. Only humans have that instinct. Am I right? 

headache ouch

but wired and fried, too. so much craziness......I had a particularly tumultous time yesterday. I apologize with my whole heart for causing inconvenience and distress to those I did. I could say someone else fell through with what they promised but fuck it, today's a new day. 

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was seeing myself outside myself......my soul had left my body for a "new" one. The "old" me was not just dead but murdered......lying on the floor with blood coming out of my head. I had been on the beach, the highway......a storm.....people scattering then gone. I dream constantly of the beach and water. Then.....I was talking to someone on the phone saying I'm in my new self but what about the old one it's a corpse on the floor what do I do? It was an actress from a crime show or......confused on this......saying .....well some other time maybe I'll say who he was ......will show up at 7:45 to 8:30 am tomorrow to help you clean it. Would have between 5:30 and 5:45.......I have to say that shook me to the core. I had seen a youtube clip about Britney Spears doing a video called "Mona Lisa" about leaving her old self for her new. 
I am reading posts from a facebook page sympathetic to Jodi Arias. Please people read the alternative Web site on Ms. Arias and learn the truth on this case: I have to say something: I have no hatred for Travis Alexander I never knew him be it that he was probably ; he had a lot of problems it's hard to know if his dick-ishness came out of trauma and all the shit he went through as a kid or if he was just a dick period......that one's hard to figure out. He didn't do right, to put it mildly, by Jodi or any of his other girlfriends and, yes, I've known a few guys like him. Believe me I know very well their games, their charm and manipulation. That doesn't mean I think he deserved to be killed the way he was. Nevertheless......I wasn't there and I don't know these people. All I can say is from what I've heard Jodi say, from what others have written on things like witch trials, the psychology of false confessions.....ect.....the fact that Jodi said for two years that she did not kill Travis.....that she has no history of hurting people, there's too much glaring evidence to the contrary or that is extremely questionable, the illegality and corruption of her trial, witness tampering and the "disappearance" of people who give testimony contrary to the guilty verdict......it goes on and on man. www.jodiariasisinnocent.com 

JODI WILL GO FREE. YES, SHE WILL.

Happy Egg Day!

Whatever your thing is but love the bunnies! All the animals)

sprain on left knee

fortunately just a sprain. walking is difficult..... like a 90 year old drunk. I could go to the hospital but they will probably not do much. My friend used to say sports injuries are badges of honor. I have always gotten knee sprains.....but I did read running actually strengthens them. 

B you sexy man

boy did you screw up. consider it a miracle I'm willing to move past it. Oh God. I just ......oh God. The freakiest images. Lest there's any confusion I'm talking about Brett. 
What have you done with Aeysha? 
Chicago 1991 if you weren't there......I was. I was a kid. I was desperate to leave. I love my father, of course, and my friends. Irony is they along with me all migrated.....is that the right word? to NYC. OTP. Off the plane. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o712mgqVZXI

 It's Good Friday the day to remember Jesus' crucifixion. Originally a pagan holiday amazing around the world it focuses on the same theme: descension then ascension basically. Persephone's abduction (ugh brings back unpleasant memories.....that disgusting Ted apologies to his mom and sister they are nice people, his friends too. Hence why I did not write even worse things about him. Or disclose more. At the end of the day I can't do that to people. But still. )
What better theme music the Utah Saints.....One is not supposed to smile or laugh or have fun on this day if religious.....I'm not quite that but I have seen weird things on this dark day......full of otherworldly images both on the computer and walking around at 2am in Brooklyn shadows and unexplained movement. I dreamt about  the apt ..... We were in the basement, where no one ever goes.....or rarely does one.....and there was a beautiful wooden door.....I said it was pretty like the one in Cinderella.....but.....there was something else to it. SOmething dark and hidden the symbolism isn't that subtle I guess. Except all the people who were mean to me bloodying their own feet and their eyes pecked out by doves. Oh that's not nice. ( 

from Chef Kendra

yummy.......from the lovely Chef Kendra

is your lost baby so don't despair he lived he just was born but as somebody else. He grew up in the UK and was part of something called punk rock even though Betty Friedan "dissed" it no offense to her respectfully I don't think she really understood. He is possibly among the UK's best acts, ever. He loves to make cake. Literally. even if it was purposeless perhaps (does it have to have a purpose? that's a contradiction in terms.....a rhetorical question? no.....) the reason d'etre of "beatnikery" is that .....how can I say it politely? People were tired of living, walking around and speaking like they have a spiked dildo up their ass like in the movies and stage. Women and young girls realized that not only does washing the floor and even having children, love them though they do, not make their existence it's not exactly what it's cracked up to be. That they were lied to by seemingly omniscient teachers and authority figures in general and lied to also by the beaded long haired hippie men who were willing to take tear gas and even bullets defending disenfranchised racial groups but still expected their "old ladies" to "shut up" when "he was talking." Not to mention "free love" was translated into THEIR free love.....or to put it crudely, "free pussy." IOW their pussies were now free. For them.
German Chocolate.
 a trailer machinery outside girl hired as a temp to type and file.....she needed money and was grateful for anything, or made to feel. never mind that this was, to put it plainly, shitwork but she was getting paid and was now a certified functional working person in the world. on three hours' sleep she walked into the trailer that was hastily dumped in the middle of gravel and loose, cracked cement and dirt .....no need for heels here.....three hours' sleep. twenty minutes late because she had turned on the wrong street and couldn't read the addresses.
the other girl had warned her about the "boss" that he was a creep and a vicious screaming tyrant. her heart went out to this girl who was his target and victim. He had given her a handwritten note and asked her to type it. His handwriting was small and jagged and hard to read but he was on the phone so she couldn't ask him what he was saying or say she couldn't read his writing. her eyes and mind began to fog over. Fatigue and confusion began to glaze over her eyeballs. She typed absentmindedly, what she thought he had written. Memos and jargon trade language.....industry talk that was Sanskrit to anyone except those in it. Never mind that it was in her language......but it made no sense. "In December with the clear schedule....." straining her eyes to read his writing. She printed it out and gave it to him to fax wire to the other contractors. Silence. About half hour. Then him.....thundering and terrifying yelling, "WHAT IS THIS? WHAT DID YOU TYPE?"
 "Oh, sorry.......oh God, sorry......I thought that is what you wrote....."
considering it all he was relatively forgiving saying only that she needed to clarify with him before sending it out or "I look like a moron....."
What he meant to write was, "In accordance with the contract schedule we will......" what would be going and what dates. A memo.
He must have, in all his state of mind, not been able to help seeing how funny it was. "Is she on drugs?" he had yelled at the agency who sent her. "What kind of....."

something, there had to be some way of getting money other than these jobs which had become unbearable. lack of sleep and her back hurting so badly she could barely get out of bed and she was not yet thirty years old.

playing games.....

"wake up young lovers the whole thing is over " Talking Heads, Swamp

"I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed" Sylvia Plath, Mad Girl's Love Song

Thought dear B was the one but then fate stepped in. or was it chance? Random out of the stupid blue fucking stroke of lighting, luck, a spill from the sky......a gift from spirit here he comes be prepared but you can never be prepared. a trickster and joker, a flash of fairy dust. here and seize it while it's in the room. that I did. Pure unexpected chance throws a firecracker and everything changes, dear. It came in human form and as a human. From another culture, another world, but .....and a spark came out of nowhere, or that it seemed.....

 if all does not go according to your desires no matter how you build your doll house no matter how right it feels at the time how true what explanation is there? You play the hand you're dealt and it's all based on probability.

Divine Miss M 1953

"It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they executed the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York. I'm stupid about executions. The idea of being electrocuted makes me sick, and that's all there was to read about in the papers -- goggle-eyed headlines staring up at me at every street corner and at the fusty, peanut-smelling mouth of every subway. It had nothing to do with me, but I couldn't help wondering what it would be like, being burned alive all along your nerves.

I thought it must be the worst thing in the world."  Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar


"I'm worst at what I do best
and for this gift I feel blessed
our little group has always been
and always will until the end"
Nirvana Smells Like Teen Spirit

I wasn't born yet but these numbers keep bouncing out at me 1953 adds to 9......


Kurt Cobain allegedly escaped rehab (do they lock you in there or what?) made his way back to his house, broke into his own tool shed where he had a shotgun and blew his own brains out. So goes the story. To be honest, I was never much of a fan of them, or that scene. However, this whole episode year after year remains an open wound that grows more and more infected.....and unanswered. Too little credit was given to so many punk bands before and since. But some other time for that. This story is bizarrely, inexplicably similar to one that had happened among unrelated people that had been close to me, in my own life, another time. Almost the same story, and though it was so long ago so much of it may have just occurred it's that fresh and that raw. The Rosenbergs were alleged spies and that's about all I know of them. Except that they were publicly executed what is this sick desire in humans to see what they think is their enemy die, in a humiliating way......like a performance? This person is your "other" your Adversary, everything evil in the world.....by getting rid of them you are getting rid of evil. But then it comes back. My friend once said "you can't fight guerrilla warfare....." Another friend once said that if people could see from beginning to end what really happens to a human being in an execution they would not be in favor. I read The Executioner's Song by Norman Mailer as a teenager.....a haunting and disturbing but incredible story, about Gary Gilmore.  The way a human cadaver is spliced up dissected and different bits and pieces of the brain, this gland that gland, this that organ, liver, kidneys, stomach, ect....... like any meat at the butchers so much more reason to be a vegan n'est-ce pas? Being written about in the coroner's journal like you are a broken dishwasher.


"they had to call and call
and pick the worms off me like sticky pearls"

Sylvia Plath


you wouldn't recognize much because what was your way was done away with. you may have been the reason for that, you an example of what was wrong with it. but your baby lived. he was born to someone else, somewhere else, but he is your soul child.

you'd be pleased, if maybe somewhat alienated. these were different times. The sun was in Taurus, the bull. Moon in Scorpio.

 Sylvia Plath was electrocuted by ECT in late July 1953 near my birthday, but before I was born.

ads, denial......and worse

You've probably seen them. The heartwrenching ads for ASPCA, I think, animals in cages looking battered and miserable, Sarah McLaughclin [cq] in the background.....I remember seeing them in between watching crime shows in Ion TV and feeling like I was capitulating.....what an absurd, horrific senseless universe we live in, should I just die or what.....I understand the point and I do my part to help animals but I just can't stand to see that. Once in a hotel room with a friend that ad came on.....and once while I was watching TV with my mother and she said, "Turn that shit off....." because she, too, can't stand to see that. For personal.....things reminding me.....stories I heard of people in Nazi Germany turning a blind eye or being oblivious to the death and unspeakable horrors around them.....footage of the A bomb again being feeling helpless and sick you know.....or so many times as well the Iraq War and people just dying.....how did I get so morbid? All this must have impacted all of us just in ways we aren't aware of. I wish I could be oblivious but I'm psychic.....when stuff happens I feel it know it sense it even if I can't clearly define it. Maybe everyone is like that. The way Moloch Sorcery wrote about this I'm sorry it cracked me up "kitties in the cage....." I mean I LOVE cats nothing kills me more than a cat suffering.....
When I was 18 and living in Chicago.....rather I was 16 visiting my father one summer.....I was obsessed with a man named Sam. I think that influenced my sister's name because I talked about him so much.....I used to call his voice mail constantly and listen to it. What turned creepy was he started talking back into it saying "I love you" it freaked the fuck out of me eventually I felt like I'd imploded and the humiliation was unbearable. At being exposed and caught. Like I'd peed in public. One time my friend Aeysha decided to play a prank on me I can't remember how but saying she had heard (Sam lived in NYC and Aeysha in Evanston but this occurred while I stayed in Chicago during summer) something about Sam dating another girl something.....maybe my friend Yasmeen. I was distraught and wrecked.....here I was 15 and fabulous but wanting to die thinking my life was ruined because a guy I liked was with a girl but that's how it was ...... According to her though I don't remember this but she said I called her saying I just slashed my wrists (not enough to do any real harm but enough to be gruesome and theatrical I was an adolescent and influenced by Sid Vicious ). I suppose she felt guilty or......? so about a year later or something I was visiting Chicago again and she had told me a depressing, horrible story about monkeys in a laboratory. I won't go into it. She made a joke, "Laura's going to start slashing her wrists now....." I somehow this kept flashing in my mind this story earlier this week only now did I get a chance to put it down somewhere. 

I'm so relieved to be back in the world. I'm grateful for.....? somehow feeling like I'm getting a lobotomy I am making amazing art. I am a genius. I am divinely inspired. The stars at some times do shine on the arts even though there .....I would say there is no "it was better back then" because it wasn't....there is no "then" it is now..... the time is was and always was now.....but there are those moments of.....if you follow astrology there is a logistical math to this. But there is always genius. You don't always know it though. Almost never. When it is. Everything was brilliant even if I felt .....I was but was also a mass of nerves and fear. 

 

oh b you sexy thing

mwah kisses kisses from across the ocean.....puss puss 

 "You must construct a circle mentally, a circle of light and attention. You must not allow your concentration to go beyond it. If your control begins to lessen you must withdraw quickly to a smaller circle." Stanislavski  An Actor Prepares

 Margaret Wilson, Scottish Martyr


Kinda creepy Mozart in the background thought it was part of a Lady Gaga video

be grateful for small things. I love b but can't live this way. "you know I love you but I just can't take this" Phil Collins  I always hated his music.....I so love lg tho.....

 

 oh god this is so fucked up but brilliant.....

yes grateful for small things. small big things. Food and drink. I am not in jail. I didn't throw soap at that loser who accused me of being a kleptomaniac......more low, childish behavior not a solution to anything. that I didn't punch b  for cheating. I didn't post a nasty blog thing about ......who shall remain nameless. knock wood, ect. you know. I had to get out of there. for a time. I did not do ...... that's all that was on my mind. How did I not? I don't understand it except that ......but never again. My head hurts, my knees, from yesterday.....I feel smashed just hurting, hurting everywhere.....

this am on the train

I wrote by hand as I had no phone about Woodstock, "gimme an f....." "F!" "Gimme a u" "c" "k" et al  "what's that spell?" "Fuck!" I used to hear this album constantly growing up.....Recurring question war after war.....Ashley's letter to Melanie "I look up at the stars and ask myself, why are you here? What are you fighting for?"
"123 what are we fighting for?"
"Why are we here? Where are the weapons of mass destruction?"

"What does fuck mean" It's a bad word, don't say it.....yeah well we violated that one. Something in my mind unconsciously......the feel of it, loud, ugly, unfeminine, vulgar..........something "down there" and dirty......

Found a book on film editing

Early this morning in downtown Brooklyn I passed a new coffee shop, Key and Cup.....chatted with the man working there and took one of the books on the shelf.....I love books and read an amazing article yesterday in the Times Magazine about a Norwegian man traveling through the American Midwest. Anyway I make my own blogs and vlogs but the whole piecing together of so many fragments of this and that to create an effect impact really fascinates me actually is a current obsession.....





Both JFK and this video below.....inho.....very brilliantly edited. This book too.....First Cut by Gabriella Oldham I just started it.....

The anti war movement

"For bugles do not stir my blood nor drums entice my feet....." Ashley's letter to Melanie, GWTW




"They take this really seriously and you were standing there putting on lipstick....." My friend Aeysha. "I invite you to hang out with us and you flip out at my dad's play....."

.....what is the disclaimer to protect privacy names have been changed, ect.....

He was a dating a friend of a friend....."he" was not who you thought he was.....ringleader, sometimes a little overbearing, good looking,  mouthed off to the Chicago cops telling them to "eat me" and then they beat the shit out of him in the courthouse. Those arrested and jailed were pressured.....or so it's been told or suggested all in a cloud of confusion never really clarified...... to snitch on, to put it kindly.....  their friends but because as Margeret Atwood wrote "people choose to save their own skins. You can count on it 9 times out of ten." He who, to put it crudely, put his dick in you may have informed on you to the cops though you were a confused kid taking acting lessons pulling yourself together after dropping out of high school "the pressure drop, oh you're gonna feel it.....oh yeah....." Who knows who knew? This I was reading in a magazine about the seeming vapid eye candy Marilyn.....a target for surveillance. Honestly if you're not being spied on you're probably not doing a whole lot, some say..... I knew little and understood less about the war, who was what, barely knew where Afghanistan was on a map.....my father was in favor of it due to Carter's alleged mishandling of the oil crisis, "no blood for oil!"..... But fundamentally I instinctively sensed I was speaking for something valid and true.....against a corrupt and immoral action by our government..... A kid in my high school gas in called me a communist and I loved Russian ballet, Anna Pavlova and Natalia Makarova never mind the latter defected to here and, let's not mince words, was considered a sellout by some of her own people (not by me). In her biography she quoted a letter from one of her peers " such people will never see happiness, regardless of fame or money, because they betrayed their countries....." Not much to most but enough to some to be labeled a liberal or commie but you didn't need a lot.....Marilyn Monroe was not the "dumb blonde" she appeared to be.....she was betrayed, ratted out.....by men she slept with a trusted.....he did that to me? How can you be sure except our phones were tapped.....no explanation, how? I was not a ringleader of anything barely knew anything except orange lipstick must have stood out....."you shit," I thought.....an audition or a ritual of uomething? The girl dancer was riveting, gorgeous. As was her audition. I was not intimidated..... But shaken and like I was receiving ......what was it? This was something out of the norm, from another place.....