Divine Miss M 1953

"It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they executed the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York. I'm stupid about executions. The idea of being electrocuted makes me sick, and that's all there was to read about in the papers -- goggle-eyed headlines staring up at me at every street corner and at the fusty, peanut-smelling mouth of every subway. It had nothing to do with me, but I couldn't help wondering what it would be like, being burned alive all along your nerves.

I thought it must be the worst thing in the world."  Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar


"I'm worst at what I do best
and for this gift I feel blessed
our little group has always been
and always will until the end"
Nirvana Smells Like Teen Spirit

I wasn't born yet but these numbers keep bouncing out at me 1953 adds to 9......


Kurt Cobain allegedly escaped rehab (do they lock you in there or what?) made his way back to his house, broke into his own tool shed where he had a shotgun and blew his own brains out. So goes the story. To be honest, I was never much of a fan of them, or that scene. However, this whole episode year after year remains an open wound that grows more and more infected.....and unanswered. Too little credit was given to so many punk bands before and since. But some other time for that. This story is bizarrely, inexplicably similar to one that had happened among unrelated people that had been close to me, in my own life, another time. Almost the same story, and though it was so long ago so much of it may have just occurred it's that fresh and that raw. The Rosenbergs were alleged spies and that's about all I know of them. Except that they were publicly executed what is this sick desire in humans to see what they think is their enemy die, in a humiliating way......like a performance? This person is your "other" your Adversary, everything evil in the world.....by getting rid of them you are getting rid of evil. But then it comes back. My friend once said "you can't fight guerrilla warfare....." Another friend once said that if people could see from beginning to end what really happens to a human being in an execution they would not be in favor. I read The Executioner's Song by Norman Mailer as a teenager.....a haunting and disturbing but incredible story, about Gary Gilmore.  The way a human cadaver is spliced up dissected and different bits and pieces of the brain, this gland that gland, this that organ, liver, kidneys, stomach, ect....... like any meat at the butchers so much more reason to be a vegan n'est-ce pas? Being written about in the coroner's journal like you are a broken dishwasher.


"they had to call and call
and pick the worms off me like sticky pearls"

Sylvia Plath


you wouldn't recognize much because what was your way was done away with. you may have been the reason for that, you an example of what was wrong with it. but your baby lived. he was born to someone else, somewhere else, but he is your soul child.

you'd be pleased, if maybe somewhat alienated. these were different times. The sun was in Taurus, the bull. Moon in Scorpio.

 Sylvia Plath was electrocuted by ECT in late July 1953 near my birthday, but before I was born.

ads, denial......and worse

You've probably seen them. The heartwrenching ads for ASPCA, I think, animals in cages looking battered and miserable, Sarah McLaughclin [cq] in the background.....I remember seeing them in between watching crime shows in Ion TV and feeling like I was capitulating.....what an absurd, horrific senseless universe we live in, should I just die or what.....I understand the point and I do my part to help animals but I just can't stand to see that. Once in a hotel room with a friend that ad came on.....and once while I was watching TV with my mother and she said, "Turn that shit off....." because she, too, can't stand to see that. For personal.....things reminding me.....stories I heard of people in Nazi Germany turning a blind eye or being oblivious to the death and unspeakable horrors around them.....footage of the A bomb again being feeling helpless and sick you know.....or so many times as well the Iraq War and people just dying.....how did I get so morbid? All this must have impacted all of us just in ways we aren't aware of. I wish I could be oblivious but I'm psychic.....when stuff happens I feel it know it sense it even if I can't clearly define it. Maybe everyone is like that. The way Moloch Sorcery wrote about this I'm sorry it cracked me up "kitties in the cage....." I mean I LOVE cats nothing kills me more than a cat suffering.....
When I was 18 and living in Chicago.....rather I was 16 visiting my father one summer.....I was obsessed with a man named Sam. I think that influenced my sister's name because I talked about him so much.....I used to call his voice mail constantly and listen to it. What turned creepy was he started talking back into it saying "I love you" it freaked the fuck out of me eventually I felt like I'd imploded and the humiliation was unbearable. At being exposed and caught. Like I'd peed in public. One time my friend Aeysha decided to play a prank on me I can't remember how but saying she had heard (Sam lived in NYC and Aeysha in Evanston but this occurred while I stayed in Chicago during summer) something about Sam dating another girl something.....maybe my friend Yasmeen. I was distraught and wrecked.....here I was 15 and fabulous but wanting to die thinking my life was ruined because a guy I liked was with a girl but that's how it was ...... According to her though I don't remember this but she said I called her saying I just slashed my wrists (not enough to do any real harm but enough to be gruesome and theatrical I was an adolescent and influenced by Sid Vicious ). I suppose she felt guilty or......? so about a year later or something I was visiting Chicago again and she had told me a depressing, horrible story about monkeys in a laboratory. I won't go into it. She made a joke, "Laura's going to start slashing her wrists now....." I somehow this kept flashing in my mind this story earlier this week only now did I get a chance to put it down somewhere. 

I'm so relieved to be back in the world. I'm grateful for.....? somehow feeling like I'm getting a lobotomy I am making amazing art. I am a genius. I am divinely inspired. The stars at some times do shine on the arts even though there .....I would say there is no "it was better back then" because it wasn't....there is no "then" it is now..... the time is was and always was now.....but there are those moments of.....if you follow astrology there is a logistical math to this. But there is always genius. You don't always know it though. Almost never. When it is. Everything was brilliant even if I felt .....I was but was also a mass of nerves and fear. 

 

oh b you sexy thing

mwah kisses kisses from across the ocean.....puss puss 

 "You must construct a circle mentally, a circle of light and attention. You must not allow your concentration to go beyond it. If your control begins to lessen you must withdraw quickly to a smaller circle." Stanislavski  An Actor Prepares

 Margaret Wilson, Scottish Martyr


Kinda creepy Mozart in the background thought it was part of a Lady Gaga video

be grateful for small things. I love b but can't live this way. "you know I love you but I just can't take this" Phil Collins  I always hated his music.....I so love lg tho.....

 

 oh god this is so fucked up but brilliant.....

yes grateful for small things. small big things. Food and drink. I am not in jail. I didn't throw soap at that loser who accused me of being a kleptomaniac......more low, childish behavior not a solution to anything. that I didn't punch b  for cheating. I didn't post a nasty blog thing about ......who shall remain nameless. knock wood, ect. you know. I had to get out of there. for a time. I did not do ...... that's all that was on my mind. How did I not? I don't understand it except that ......but never again. My head hurts, my knees, from yesterday.....I feel smashed just hurting, hurting everywhere.....

this am on the train

I wrote by hand as I had no phone about Woodstock, "gimme an f....." "F!" "Gimme a u" "c" "k" et al  "what's that spell?" "Fuck!" I used to hear this album constantly growing up.....Recurring question war after war.....Ashley's letter to Melanie "I look up at the stars and ask myself, why are you here? What are you fighting for?"
"123 what are we fighting for?"
"Why are we here? Where are the weapons of mass destruction?"

"What does fuck mean" It's a bad word, don't say it.....yeah well we violated that one. Something in my mind unconsciously......the feel of it, loud, ugly, unfeminine, vulgar..........something "down there" and dirty......

Found a book on film editing

Early this morning in downtown Brooklyn I passed a new coffee shop, Key and Cup.....chatted with the man working there and took one of the books on the shelf.....I love books and read an amazing article yesterday in the Times Magazine about a Norwegian man traveling through the American Midwest. Anyway I make my own blogs and vlogs but the whole piecing together of so many fragments of this and that to create an effect impact really fascinates me actually is a current obsession.....





Both JFK and this video below.....inho.....very brilliantly edited. This book too.....First Cut by Gabriella Oldham I just started it.....

The anti war movement

"For bugles do not stir my blood nor drums entice my feet....." Ashley's letter to Melanie, GWTW




"They take this really seriously and you were standing there putting on lipstick....." My friend Aeysha. "I invite you to hang out with us and you flip out at my dad's play....."

.....what is the disclaimer to protect privacy names have been changed, ect.....

He was a dating a friend of a friend....."he" was not who you thought he was.....ringleader, sometimes a little overbearing, good looking,  mouthed off to the Chicago cops telling them to "eat me" and then they beat the shit out of him in the courthouse. Those arrested and jailed were pressured.....or so it's been told or suggested all in a cloud of confusion never really clarified...... to snitch on, to put it kindly.....  their friends but because as Margeret Atwood wrote "people choose to save their own skins. You can count on it 9 times out of ten." He who, to put it crudely, put his dick in you may have informed on you to the cops though you were a confused kid taking acting lessons pulling yourself together after dropping out of high school "the pressure drop, oh you're gonna feel it.....oh yeah....." Who knows who knew? This I was reading in a magazine about the seeming vapid eye candy Marilyn.....a target for surveillance. Honestly if you're not being spied on you're probably not doing a whole lot, some say..... I knew little and understood less about the war, who was what, barely knew where Afghanistan was on a map.....my father was in favor of it due to Carter's alleged mishandling of the oil crisis, "no blood for oil!"..... But fundamentally I instinctively sensed I was speaking for something valid and true.....against a corrupt and immoral action by our government..... A kid in my high school gas in called me a communist and I loved Russian ballet, Anna Pavlova and Natalia Makarova never mind the latter defected to here and, let's not mince words, was considered a sellout by some of her own people (not by me). In her biography she quoted a letter from one of her peers " such people will never see happiness, regardless of fame or money, because they betrayed their countries....." Not much to most but enough to some to be labeled a liberal or commie but you didn't need a lot.....Marilyn Monroe was not the "dumb blonde" she appeared to be.....she was betrayed, ratted out.....by men she slept with a trusted.....he did that to me? How can you be sure except our phones were tapped.....no explanation, how? I was not a ringleader of anything barely knew anything except orange lipstick must have stood out....."you shit," I thought.....an audition or a ritual of uomething? The girl dancer was riveting, gorgeous. As was her audition. I was not intimidated..... But shaken and like I was receiving ......what was it? This was something out of the norm, from another place.....

V Day MM

Trying, can't fault me for that! :-) to run or at least keep moving in this weather.....my body hurts as does my head I'm riding the train home from work but I hope the beach will be pretty in the snow. In Carroll Gardens it's beautiful. If cold and my toes wet and frozen.

Check out @AllHistoryPics's Tweet: https://twitter.com/AllHistoryPics/status/566592081154826241

This officer

Who had power over my life was a kid, maybe younger than me, fairly cute.....I was rattled to the core and thoroughly humiliated. I thought......what had I thought? I was across the ocean not a huge distance and everyone spoke English but it was another world and a hostile one.....everyone mistrustful  a polite word is "repressed" stoplights that looked and sounded like Fisher Price  toys the stuff we played with as children and all the streets circular not up and down making me feel like I was perpetually walking sideways. I couldn't get used to white buildings either. Being robbed, sexually harassed and now held hostage.....the cops thinking it was a kidnapping my father on the phone  in Indiana otherwise I may not have gotten out of there. Not to mention feeling guilty and like I'd.....well I did screw up there was no denying it. It should have been this should have been that but this is what was. People saying, if this was......? The situation was not so dire, this could have been Pakistan, or Iraq, you could have been killed.....it could have been worse but this is where I was......or was it the weather? It was August 13 and right around this time the US Embassy in Kenya was being blown up and people were dying.
Did it matter, really, where I was? But the hardest burden was yes that I felt guilty that I had somehow let people down thinking I was in love with this guy in NY, a Colombian. Next thing I knew, or rather didn't know.....I was famous. It was terrifying, and awkward. Thinking, what had I been thinking? Now there was.....I had to remove myself from all that it was the only way I could stay sane.....was to not be maybe....."When we kissed I sucked his soul into me like a tongue. She was not mad yet she saw with the piercing eyes of madness....." Blonde by JCO

Running on the beach in hail

That was horrendous but great. Talk about challenge.....I ran on the beach which was frozen over the waves jumping up.and out at me. Water hitting my shoe. Everything.....me my mind my body just hurting hurting. I have been on a very short fuse and last night I cracked under pressure I.admit. So the beach is very icy.and you have to watch your step but it's pretty. This hail must.....well.....

"Selfie" killer?

I have to say this one jumped out at me.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/02/08/teen-killed-classmate-uploaded-selfie-snap-chat/23091563/

Continued

So much activity and well.....it's pretty overwhelming. I feel incredibly jarred but here I am here I go. I watched a video of Rod Serling pitching Twilight Zone it's truly, he is was rather truly brilliant. Initially the show was even creepier. I took a ton of photos over the past few months which I'll upload a few of them.....I absolutely love these birds! I feed them pretty frequently bread and stuff mostly. They are quite friendly and sociable and they all know me by now amd fly in, all I imagine there are at least 100 of them..... I watched a discussion on civil disobedience so yes anyone dare tell me not to.....I'm going to feed the fucking birds they have as much right to live as anybody. So far, no one has. They stand in formation by the water not sure how to explain this I suppose they sense the water coming in or.....?
I put all the flowers in the ocean after they dried I mean I wasn't sure what else to do with them.....I don't want to put them in the garbage and there is no where else really.....I figure they just dissolve naturally in the water.

New arrivals

A lot of sad news about people and animals departing this world in the past few months.....but on the reverse side a friend of mine just gave birth and I saw a darling male kitten just now.....some pleasant is such a nice thing! My best hopes for these little guys.....and well all of them.....

Imbolc, St Brigid

I don't know much about St. Brigid of Kildare and have only heard of Imbolc when I got on Enchantments' mailing list. All I know is it's a time honored custom to clean up the house and leave food at the doorstep as an offering. I had some strawberries and bananas took them to the beach and fed them to the seagulls (clarification: this was about something similar but not the same. I am not familiar with this saint and was not raised in this tradition; but I did discover it today....... ) but yes I take food to the seagulls all the time......I mean, wasn't quite sure how to do this. I poured some sugar in the tub when I took a bath I often use sugar, cinnamon (not too.much or it'll burn) honey.....  If I'd left them on the steps someone would have stepped on or tripped on them..... and with the snow it'd have been a mess. The beach is quite pretty. I love it really. There's a popular Irish dish called Colcanna which I've never heard of either for all I am Irish descent.....? Totally gotta get up to speed on this. My.finger and ear are healing gradually. I've been taking a lot of Tylenol.....ha I should get some $ for that plug. Right now tbh I need that. On the up side my stuff has arrived from the hippie store in Northern California......I won  Cleo May oil from Lucky Mojo. Yee! But that plus full moon plus the windows of the.front door were spooking me I mean I just felt a .......something??????? ..... This annoying woman who lives here unfortunately went crazy and started screaming at 3am I was furious oh yes maybe a  .....but it's futile to try argue with someone like that. At the end of the day I have better things to do. This storm, however, has caused a great deal of stress pretty though it is.....I do love the beach. I did drop a bunch of roses in the ocean. And off they go........To?
I've also been watching Fargo and I am so obsessed with that film. I was.advised.....well this I will have to go into elsewhere.

Sore and .......cut up. My finger from a broken candle glass

My left ear is infected and I have.a laceration on my left middle finger. It's horrifically cold out but I am grateful for heat  that I got through my dance exercises I have friends and family my books and movies so yes.....I just watched Requiem for a Dream fucking awesome film but kinda like a long bad trip.....I read about the author Hubert Selby Jr. He himself had been an addict for decades and like Jesus spent his time with society's outcasts.....eeh I know that. God I think I've spent time with all walks of life. Still I am drawn to people who are "fallen" in some way or at least.....well, fucked up. Post punk third wave feminism .....I've been reading a lot of wikipedia. If I fit into any slot.....I mean I grew up in the Village, NYC and Chicago. My family is Midwestern but worldly and well-traveled. I am hyper emotional and high strung and a private and public person both at the.end of the day I can't suppress anything.....yeah so high drama. I would not say I'm sex positive sex for me is all about mind fuck power domination maybe oh well it's the way of the species. This going through  my mind after watching this bizarre and sick movie but I do love Darren Aronofsky's direction.....Hubert Selby said the message is anti American Dream more than the drugs it's I suppose shallowness and lack of substance that led to these people's disintegration. Ellen Burnstyn is brilliant.....and Jared Leto all the actors knockout performances  of course her character like a female Lear. I don't particularly want to see fifty shades I have lived it.....this topic all so decrepit.  So so speaking of.....

Tarot spread

Hmm......interesting.

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=484963&Date=1%2F30%2F2015&Name=laura+saiter&Query=&Deck=ator&Reading=celtic_cross&Reverse=on

Envy

A lot of people envied him to ward off evil eye? Amulets? The eye is blue. I have blue eyes. I don't want to ward myself off.....but I am not the envious one.....penis envy? Why is his thing so much bigger than mine? Nah. Absurd. At age two, maybe. In swimming class. That was it. We were in water said to be protection against that.....

They

Equally bizarre, equally preposterous and questionable. But no no can't think that .....I.....?

Sunday's Child

The child born on Sabbath Day.....how did it go? Really I was born under mixed stars. Nothing is inevitable. Nor have I ever said it is. This believe it or not in the Enquirer Higgs Boson and parallel universes somewhere out there your life everyone's is being lived again and again. Margaret Atwood wrote snip off a strand of history and it all comes unravelled. You can go back in time and the times when your instinct was telling you to walk or run but you stayed how many times I thought if only I'd just walked away. Irony of ironies it was Ted who brought us together. Or remove one block from the base of a pyramid the whole thing......everything that ever happened to anyone is still happening who knows how often a very hopeful sign. You could bring back the dead or those so many cheated out of life maybe their spirits are hitting me on the head relentlessly not to forget them never to forget them. Who can answer the question why they were not given a.chance to live but who knows I'm not a scientist though physics fascinated me. Or would the planet just become.overcrowded?
J'ai vu ton mec avec une autre fille/il semblais dans un autre monde Blondie Sunday Girl. I too would stand in the dressing room and.move the mirrors so I saw myself infinite times over but.....and? It was me but it wasn't. One of my nightmares.....many of them involve wooden houses and mirrors. I am brushing my hair and look in the mirror but don't see myself I see a girl with her back to me, hair different from mine, also brushing her hair. I was given a mirror by a neighbor and dreamt I looked in in and saw a person who wasn't there.....that mirror chipped who knows could have been a spirit trapped in there who upon it breaking got let out. Like in Superman II the.villains escape their two dimensional prison when the glass breaks and make a huge mess out of everything. There is a superstition that says cover all the mirrors when someone dies or their soul will be trapped. Something like that. If nothing else my peace of mind was disrupted.....

Not his wife

His mistress, his paramour. But not his wife. Never his wife. It wasn't to be. You have always been the caretaker. You always will be. But not anymore? Marriage would have ended in shattered dreams and tears and sucked up money. Would have been a mess.
DIVORCE
Born under a bad sign blue moon in my eye.
Sopranos song Alabama 3

Hot Chick, j, b

Again maybe I went too far God what comes over me I don't know......? Watched repeatedly while living with J the Hot Chick. "Silly Billy I am not having sex with you....."  why am I obsessed with this.film? I like all those actors. They're all fucking great.
" Front, behind.....I'm still not doing it.
" Room I worked hard to pretty up. My stuff, my diaries still there. Roses. J thought I was trying to bewitch him I wasnt. It is simply what I was taught to make nice my environment. I never tried to bind him to me. I don't do that to people. I can't anyway. I do care about him despite everything. It hurts me that.....well  ..... anyway. But life goes on and I have.....I retract about.....but  not supposed to talk about this

Went to the beach

I love being so close......so strategic. Everything is messed up due.to.this storm but the beach is lovely. Just across the water.....

"F€¥£ing for tracks"?

I'll keep this genteel blot out the offensive part.....sorry......Ugh! Gross. Even if you're a horrible writer at least it's your original property what have you. Speaks for itself.  I may be far from perfect but there.is.something to be said for making your own, doing your own. I admit I did a lot of stuff that's shameful that I later regretted but I never did that. At least I always wrote my own stuff at the end of the day.....oh god oh god I'm no better well only slightly or I don't know.......

Radio days used to watch this constantly in chicago

Woody Allen's Radio Days Clip II: http://youtu.be/xioICtn1a4I. 
Living with Dad things.come.together so bizarrely I was blind or nearsighted but now I see.....yeah no joke I stared death in the face like the opening of the   Joyce Carol Oates novel "There came death hurtling along the Boulevard in waning sepia light"..... When I was a teenager I read a few of her books (Wonderland, Childwold) she seems to understand of course having once been one the souls of young women but men too. Like a person's unconscious. But yes I watched this film Radio Days.by Woody Allen CONSTANTLY in Chicago the video store across the street. Great city but I missed B some other time for for that oh god yes and my friends then before I knew it we were at war.....terrified when the first casualty list turned up in the papers B would be on but he wasn't my friends and I.laughed about it but you know for so many 18 year olds that fear gave way to the real thing. Life is so unfair. It's difficult to feel that relieved when you know so many suffered so horribly losing their.sweethearts/crushes at age 18 how do you stand the grief but you do somehow. But why were we spared.and not them? Who the fuck knows but anyway.....oh there is more. It was a spirit of some kind. It was something. I don't know who or what matter changes never stops moving particles move through us past us always you know when you sense something KNOW something just haven't put it together but it was something why me why me why me.......

Haven't posted but now I am.....

Finally dusted off the debris from a hellish week. Cleaned up, ect. I am due some fun so yeah.....big time. All the stages of grief can be about so many things. Pain sadness gives way to rage that if you feel hurt or betrayed. I felt very stabbed in the back. It's a very scary feeling but here I am.  That which gave me nightmares, visions......needing someone but impossible to trust anyone. I did not trust them. I .....you relive your life over and over not realizing it. Anyone can say anything. It's what you do and things make sense over time but.....

Norma Jean

http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=UTF-8&fr=crmas&p=norma+jean+baker+eye+color

Still reading Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates. Read something about her first husband interesting he said things weren't as bad for her as they'd been told.....her early life.

Maybe it

I know people who smoke weed but that was never my thing. Mainly because I am like that naturally and have been trying to get unlike that my whole life. People thought I was high when I was sober. Weed when I did smoke it once in a blue moon just made me feel cold tired and like I had to pee. This one time in Central park in high school this girl gave me some and the world turned upside down......I went to find a bathroom and walked past a construction site......I stepped, not looking where I was going, into a square of wet cement and walked right through til I found it. These construction guys were I think jeering me on. "Whoooaa, lady....." .....I have a terrible time with direction I remember Jodi Arias saying during her interrogation with detective Flores she has a horrible sense of direction and is a slave to GPS. She is also left-handed as was the lovely late Ms. Baker-Monroe. We all must be soul twins. This other time......holy sheesh I was at a guy's house.....this around the time I was......I must have been injected with Rosecrucianism I think I was.....I saw little gumdrop houses in such vivid colors as I'd never seen before......this was Candy land.....yeah believe it or not this is a little kid's game "One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small....." but then again this was the seventies.....but maybe it was a flashback to that. "What the hell is this?" I asked my guy friend. This was no ordinary grass, but he told me it was. I was literally, if just in my mind like the movie Contact.....this was.....I'm thinking of highs boson and parallel universal, or Narnia (another metaphoric kids book I'd read).....

Dreams

I meet my mother at Macy's someone takes her bag an older blond woman. Guys playing with snow making snow mustaches. I am with Ted its July 4 we see fireworks which speed up out the window turn into little green cartoons I say something in Spanish then Latin they the gremlins whatever they are begin speaking Latin. His window becomes Brooklyn Bridge.

828 highland ave

Where Marilyn Monroe spent her harrowing childhood. Ha. Right next to Chuck E Cheese. I am reading Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates it must be a thing of fate as I found this book in Carroll Gardens. California isn't highlands tho......should be Lowland Ave n'est ce pas?

@ mcds

At mcds: http://youtu.be/CSVNULmLABg

Love this one. Filmed after work. Oh bb u sexy man.....luv kisses from nyc!

Betty Friedan, "Third Wave"

Again I am summarizing but woke up this am early with this on my mind.....political ideological differences lead to war so that the enemy becomes internal.....things get overlapped and mixed up. I saw quite a lot of this ugliness and being naturally sensitive was very shaken up by it. There is something called "war water" maybe someone threw that at us. Younger generations or "third wave" feminists oh... ..vs second wave.....and I read some very disturbing and bizarre stuff from a transgender "womyn" on this.....the older women from the second wave seen as prudent, white-gloved anti-sex and stick in the muds or something and the younger, pro-sex work pro-porno (some say it's empowering I mean well.....it's a harrowing path to walk). I .....oh God. I can speak as an insider .....it's very grueling, exhausting work. I don't know if I personally would call it empowering......this is for another discussion. I am not anti-sex but I do have an active dislike of much of the shit out there I don't think it should be banned but it is an expression of an ugly streak. Sexual repression.....but NOW had a lot of double standards that fucked us all over. Not supporting (enough) prostitutes or acknowledging health care, quite frankly. Plus things they did that were rather devious such as putting their name on stuff that was not their own.....The "pornography" debate and the fact that porn actresses were kind of left out. Later on they spoke.....that they were unfairly viewed as victims and they considered themselves feminists. I can say now some of what I performed (I didn't write it) makes me squeamish now it felt kind of silly.....and that I am putting myself out there talking about this. That there is .....truthfully women in the sex industry are ghettoized by men and women alike and a lot of the stuff I have seen some of them do I would not do personally not even for money not even when I was desperate for cash.....I have my own internal conflict with this. I don't like.....I don't idealize them but there needs to be an honest acknowledgement of this and .....by talking about these women as either victims or damaged, lost souls is very insulting for one thing and by nor siding with them leaves so many out in the cold and leaves an unrealistic view of the world and ironically makes  them all the more vulnerable to being victimized.
By that I mean.....being shunned on either side being sidelined.....they are unprotected. In a bad situation who is there to turn to?  Go to the police if you're lucky you will get someone sympathetic but don't count on it. It's been said repeatedly for a reason the abuse, physical and sexual, by the police is a rampant problem I mean even if there are "good cops" it's unfortunately not enough. The stories are legion.  Whatever other services are out there.....they.....are approached condescendingly no matter so many social workers mean well.....as people who are deviant, ill- adjusted....."nuts and sluts" .....slut-shamed? Who would willingly put themself through that? Like, ok, you really fucked up so off you go to be with others like you.....you're dirty somehow. Or lazy. But no.....you/they are not. Back in the days girls who got knocked up or in a bad situation were sent to convents its been written about, films like the Magdelene Sisters showed what happened.....no this does.....things happen for any number of reasons. I can't say I fully understand what put me in which place because I .....but they not knowing either aren't in a position to say .....

Follow up to askagangsta message to Kim Jong

I apologize for any offense I don't take lightly or believe is right assasinating a political leader. .....I haven't more than skimmed through articles about "The Interview" or Kim Jong but I just thought it was a funny youtube video or satire not meant to be taken literally......

Betty Friedan more.....

I have so much to say on this subject but being pressed for time.....and this is a book in itself.....I will do my best. I was sixteen when I read "The Feminine Mystique" was incredibly moved and became controversial in high school, and under attack, for bringing her up. So.....many things on this.....I found out years later that she was attacked in the second wave feminist movement as being too middle of the road, too "nice," a cleaned up Simone de Beauvoir. A lot of the things the radical feminists wrote were very inflammatory and they were under scrutiny and espionage by the FBI .....sad but honestly it's naive to assume every female is a "sister" and automatically take a person's word.....because female agents sat in on meetings then reported on what was happening to the agency.....nice, right? A nasty, devious and nefarious betrayal by their own. But Friedan  was criticized by the far left for not being radical enough and equally by the far right for being a closet radical as she was involved in many "leftist" activities in the forties. When she said she had lived according to the feminine mystique she did and did not. Interestingly, she was living a life in the fifties similar to what "career moms" do now: juggling work and family and kids .....was fired from her newspaper job for being pregnant (that still goes on). She wrote ......one chapter if FM called "Progressive Dehumanization The Comfortable Concentration Camp" which was highly controversial but .....in my opinion one of the best. She wrote about women being confined to a ..  .how do I say ....."dumbed down" environment and spending their days doing drudgery and monotonous tasks .....leaving no room for any kind of intellectual or mental growth. The problem, thirty some years later.....women entered the workforce..... the more conservatively minded upper middle class as lawyers and doctors......but yet someone still has to do the monotonous drudge work of cleaning. The bed will always have to be made.....so this is......I don't know how to say it nicely......relegated to other women poor women, many from minority backgrounds or the the third world. .......it's very disturbing to see........in Manhattan young white (blond)  schoolchildren.......none of them are with their parents but with babysitters, most of them Latin or Carribean women.....I mean the world is what it is I understand the need for babysitters. I had them but they were local girls this in Evanston and I was in daycare.....I guess being from a middle class background I have to be honest the idea of being raised by nannies is ..... I don't like talking about this it's a really ugly subject...... I don't like saying these things but it's how it is .....I had two working parents and all was fine I can tell you. Speaking of high school......I suppose they meant well but guidance counselors and social workers were constantly telling me and parents how "traumatized" I am/was by moving to NYC and them (my parents) getting divorced. Divorce is not a nice thing but not the root of any crisis of mine. Nor is going to day care. I speak of this now because it's more the norm presently than not. The hypocrisy behind so many of these right wing women is coming to surface......they wrote or spoke in such a pious, supercilious tone and very, purposely dismissively.....yet who are they to criticize? I guess I don't go as easy on them because my generation was subjected to endless.......I read so much editorial and commentary that was both condemning, condescending and at best a sweeping and vague generalization.....often untrue.....

Betty Friedan.....

Satan means "accuser" in Hebrew or "prosecuter." In French the defendant is called "l'accuse" the accused. Betty Friedan had a liberal or radical past and is the bane of right wing women and men to hear them talk about her she is the worst thing that ever happened in America.....I just read one strident article talking about her "communist" associations very much in the tone of witch hunts.....these people will dig up your dirt and every thing you've ever done in your life, albeit often illegally, wherever you jerked off......and throw that out there in a slanderous way to make you about to be a terrible person, a dangerous person. I mean these divisions on the left Democrat radical liberal moderate don't exist in their minds if you're to the left of Bill Clinton you are a communist nigger-loving (they don't say this) Yankee terrorist yeah huh..... reading this I also saw that this is how they view people like me.

Must have been

What I wrote I spent new years running on the beach my feet nearly froze. Things like toes you take for granted I nearly lost mine kept wiggling them to keep the blood going. Growing up in Chicago we learned to stave off frost bite but still I was in such pain my lungs burning trying to breathe in thru my nose all the stress.....when I got back to my room I was huffing and puffing and shaking for a good hour at least. I pulled off my sweaty bra and lay there shivering so grateful for warmth and shelter.....and before I knew it I was asleep for the .....I slept nonstop but the dreams I had were overwhelming.....I was smoking weed with Nathan from my teen years.....the room turned black and I passed out couldn't see then I woke up.....then I was in jail.....I actually was let out by a guard into the courtyard but  I was.....I escaped but thought what if they catch me.....I went back (stupid) was ip and down stairs saying I don't know where my cell is asking cos I saw people naked put into cages cut up in tiny cages bleeding found my cell which floor then woke.....all this to do with j I have so many nightmares he must have instigated.

It

Is sad and frustrating how many lies are out there and they are legion.....I mean go on.....well.....there is a reason why people say do your research.

war and peace...... voyna i mir

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Sharmila Rajeshwaran

Blanche will have her mentally ill revenge on Stanley

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MQzc6SQk_EI've always found this play (and role) depressing but this does it for me.....flip the male/female roles......Woody Allen as Blanche awesome. In my view, she should be wearing red as per directions from Tennessee Williams. 

 Stanley and friends above

I am a genius with all respect to John Lennon

Genius is pain. See, I cite my sources no offense some of you could learn from this. But I know exactly of which he speaks. As for my own stuff oh yes I went through hell it was horrible but I cry at the result cuz it's amazing I am a genius I have had help yeah it takes a village but I am..........I played Mrs. Pilate at St. Michael's seeing the film made me think of the Occupy Wall St. movement and so many.....I am sorry about police officers being shot and yes it is wrong but it also does not cancel out or discredit that too much power has corrupted here in America and elsewhere and certain ones took advantage of having an advantage to rape and kill for no good reason other than that people such as me spoke, completely legally, of wrongdoings and.....I don't want to say "evil" I understand it's all relevant.....but police and others whose job it is to stop crime in America acted immorally and injudiciously and without excuse. The reason being selfish greed none other. So I don't like to say this and I feel sometimes it's not my job to control this but what can I do but ......it just has to be said.

Feliz navidad oh la la sexie sadist

Dreams snow running and going stir crazy soon......cabin fever?

I see some stuff and .....oh.....yeah. had such bizarre dreams of people I know of that place knives love letters emails McDs even.....oh.....I know how.....o 

Askagangsta message to Kim Jong

Brilliant.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbWdhJ_KbU4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The Bible amazing film

I have read and heard the stories and seen the earlier films......this is to me the best dramatization I've seen very beautifully made .    The actor playing Jesus is hot Portuguese British...... I am still pretty fried after such a harrowing day plus work yesterday.....

super tired and wired

Shakespeare wrote a sonnet about this......read it in high school.  Boy I have been an errant daughter with regards to poetry just don't read it like I used to.


By William Shakespeare


Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear respose for limbs with travel tired,
But then begins a journey in my head
To work my mind, when body's work's expired.
For then my thoughts (from far where I abide)
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,
Looking on darkness which the blind do see.
Save that my soul's imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,
Which like a jewel (hung in ghastly night)
Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new.
Lo thus by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee, and for my self, no quiet find.




It seems everyone back then wrote beautifully, even those who were not professional writers.


I actually wrote several pages just earlier today I just sat down and poured out my thoughts on so much like what I went through a year ago and dubious actions of people which ended up hurting me.....it's so hard for me to focus but I am reading mostly off the internet. How the police had let me down in my crisis with Ted did not make a report nor did they take my complaint seriously even though it was actually valid. Not to mention a so-called victims advocate organization whose response was questionable. Because so many people are targeted and terrorized with very little understanding or knowledge of what is happening very little defense or support.....given that these are out of the range of most people's everyday experiences or else ..... For me, being blissfully ignorant was never an option. But due to failure on those who were supposed to be helping me to follow through with what I told them or write anything down or give me anything that would have helped my case I was not able to get many of the things I am legally entitled to or a restraining order and this madman is still free and will continue to hurt people. It turns out there is and has been a rampant epidemic of domestic violence in law enforcement around the world I would say that explains a few things given one officer's hostility to me and protesting too much what I had to tell them. Sadly the report on Ted from the site ReportYourEx is gone as well. The stuff that was said I can tell you is absolutely true and though there are women who "cry rape" and make up stories about their ex out of a personal vendetta it's an ugly, painful business divulging personal harrowing affairs partly due to the likelihood that you won't be believed and you'll be dumped in the "nuts and sluts" ghetto of accusers who to some's way of thinking brought an attack upon themselves somehow or are so mentally defective that nothing they say is believable and they are incapable of remembering anything that happens to them. But when you are confronted with a person's hostility, anger and attacks toward you personally, no matter how ludicrous and untrue.....you are psychologically wounded, shocked and confused. It's very scary. Therein lies the answer as I have no reason to unnecessarily put myself through something like that. There is an article on "Psychological Terrorism" in which among other things your feelings and the things you say are subtly denied or ignored or twisted and you are subtly made out to be a dangerous, or bad person; yet this is by someone with an advantage over you and power in a situation.....this person is manipulating both your guilt and fear. So this cop who got in my face and yelled at me when I am the one who called them and tried to make me look like the bad one.....interrupted and belittled me is likely who knows what but given what I discovered there is such rampant domestic abuse among our world's finest and I mean the real thing when I say that.....one continuous harrowing tale after another it all falls into the Horrible Shit category and is seemingly endless. So.....don't expect a lot of, if any, help from them. I hear protests from some people that "not all cops are bad" I know great.....so to those be a shining example to your comrades in blue.

Rite Aid Vegas Florida

Rite Aid rocks it whoever invented Vegas Fuel is a genius this stuff and Red Bull (ESP. The $5 huge tanks) Monster gives you a morning jolt awesome ...  VF is only $1.69 @ RA. One of the high points of living in Riverdale was the 24 hour store the cashier girl there is a real sweetheart. It was located on the highway crossroads the FUCK out of there symbolically.....sorry( There are some great people there and it's very pretty but well I won't start. Sorry to use foul language to those who are sensitive but I'm a New Yorker it's difficult not to.

Manufacturers makeup and ect

So I was reading a very interesting article on the history of "hoodoo" products as well as make up of the 1930s and how  manufacturers how in America all these different cultures or "diasporic religions" meshed together like African, European and Jewish American......traditions and practices .....it's a lot of information......anyhow in particular was an example of hair pressing oil aimed at African American woman how it said on the package "krimpy, bad hair" this was the thirties and the slicked down look was in.....but I have curly, kinky hair and am of Irish, English, German probably some middle Eastern descent. Anyway I never thought about the man or woman behind the curtain making and selling the stuff I buy. Distribution obviously the stuff does not transport itself to all the drug stores in the world.
So last night I bought makeup as I had none a lot of wet and wild. I looked up the company Markwins Products.....they are international but the American end is in California. For some reason these productsare far more expensive in the UK than here. I saw something on their site called Monster High some such.....one of their makeup kits is called Draculaura.  I am not in high school and for me to wear this stuff would look very eccentric.....

http://uk.markwinsbeauty.com/product/be-a-monster-draculaura/

Sitcoms are creepy

Maybe my .....I had a nightmare about tf that he was chasing me around the apartment.....another dream last night. Someone else......I saw his eyes they were unrecognizable. It was like something had taken over his body. It was him but it wasn't. His eyes, his eyes.....I saw those same eyes.....piercing, emotionless, wild disturbed......when I was seven years old this gang of kids guys were pushing me helter skelter around a swing......in Evanston. Sitcoms creep the fuck out of me. You know that sickly sweet feeling you get in your stomach kind of like devil clowns or the three stooges.....or silent movies where everything is insane flipped upside down. Plus tf liked to watch them.

scorpio rising......

don't fucking fuck with me bitches!!!!!!

http://weheartit.com/entry/group/12661050

https://www.google.com/search?q=winter+eyes&safe=off&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=xTVyVMzuBcSBsQSHpIKAAQ&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=920&bih=686#facrc=_&imgdii=9bGU8rDL-sMqSM%3A%3Bb2jm8kPNPNr3jM%3B9bGU8rDL-sMqSM%3A&imgrc=9bGU8rDL-sMqSM%253A%3BkAMT1GffiZlskM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fdata2.whicdn.com%252Fimages%252F22367602%252Flarge.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fweheartit.com%252Fentry%252Fgroup%252F12661050%3B500%3B452

saw this ......Natural Born Killers......90s hipsters gone skewed

in the theaters......kind of like a 2 hour bad trip.....but brilliant. Visually......kind of trance-like. How serial killers become celebrities. Sad, you know, sick actually. But true. What's that site feloncrush# hashtag something or other.......

how did I?

Indeed. But no accident either. I dug my way out......but no it doesn't have to be......you're confronted with your worst fears because, why? A test of some kind.....