serial killers RIchard Speck 1966 "Day I was born, all hell broke loose the next day"

By Roy Lichtenstein

I was researching Richard Speck, a homegrown serial killer from a small town in Illinois. That quote is his, as he was born December 6, 1941 the day before the Pearl Harbor attacks.  I wasn't around at the time of the murders in 1966 but have known people tied to the case, one of them had been a reporter then sent to write about the crime. Even the top ten songs of the time were telling: Paint it Black, Black is Black I want my baby back.....this person, a writer assigned to the crime, was pretty devastated after seeing the scene.....I wonder why they sent the media to something like this usually that doesn't happen. Not to my knowledge.Watching the documentaries I recognize the .....well, Chicago. The churches that are built with a different kind of rock than those of the East Coast or Europe.....like more of a sandy color. That flatness of the midwest, the sky that is unnatural Easter Egg blue, the sun that is overwhelming and blinding, unshaded by mountains or tall trees, endless fields .....in spring it's bright and colorful but you step outside and it's chilling and windy. So anyway.....I wasn't going to say anything ........ and I won't. This happened during a Chicago summer and July is the hottest month. I think the news broke about this crime on July 17 which is PJ Soles' (the other "scream queen" from Carrie, Halloween) birthday
It can be stunning when suddenly the things that you read about in the news or internet, what have you, suddenly touch you in your life. It's someone you know, or you nearly who are a victim. Amanda Knox said that prior to what happened in Perugia (which sounds kind of like Peoria, where Speck's trial was and also Betty Friedan's home town) my mind is going a mile a minute......"I thought tragedy was something that happened on TV." When it finally touches you personally and you see how it happens to anyone, it doesn't discriminate......someone you have a personal connection to has done horrible stuff unbeknownst to you, or someone you know was a victim or it was nearly you.....what is so out of the range of everyday experience you simply can't wrap your mind around it.You feel dirty and ashamed, low, as if you did something wrong. Like you failed somehow. But realized, as someone obsessed with crime shows and such......like I said before living in Jersey City going home after work on the path, the endless waiting in cold train stations at 4am, is when I would buy the National Enquirer or the like and read this stuff. Or the books. I mention Betty Friedan because she was one of the original second wave feminists and herself a victim of domestic violence, a 50s suburban soccer mom who was also a writer with a radical past......suddenly woke up to "the problem that has no name" but point being she shied away from issues of violence against women as she thought it was "wallowing in that victim state." However, one of her more brilliant essays was on "Progressive Dehumanization" about the disintegration of American society partly from living in denial, with a lack of any substance and compared it to the mental trauma suffered by concentration camp victims. Digression but anyway this is the kind of thing that you feel before you understand. I always do anyway.

Anyway I thought .....or wondered if serial killers are an American phenomenon so I did some googling and randomly chose serial killers French and got this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Vacher

this is an AMAZING modern painting of the famous Beatles songs by

Lucy in Sky with Diamondsby weirdplushie

 

 Ok so that song came out a year later but the contrast is brilliant......so this as a result of that......

 

 

Diga deva

Languages I have a talent for the Spanish stations I can get the gist of with subtitles (Spanish ones)

Oh yes these jammies are warm as toast.

Food references ha must be subliminal) I've been eating if not (redacted) the catch is there is more of me now.....

New clothes new life?

Love it by el Playa. More chill than Manhattan the people are more real. I'm taking it easy after work running cleaning in the am.....watched the Cinderella episode of Criminal Minds (super cool love the set and look of this one) JLH seems pretty decent.....plus Halloween with JLC. Hm. JL. We know what those two initials could stand for. HC? Hunter College. I'll take someone well ok I'll settle for someone only mildly psychotic.....how old am I? Noyfb. Old enough to vote not old enough to retire. So, deep blue sea last year you brought me to Riverdale thanks now this time can I go to France? Or Egypt again? Ty. Xo. Heart.

Pretty balmy weather

Love it. Reminds me of egypt. The sawdusty smell too.

2 Unlimited - No Limit

I wrote on this yesterday but am obsessed with junxtaposing clips of party music and dancing with horrors of the first Gulf War. I read something about the Guf being the tree of life though not too familiar. A soldier who'd been at the Battle of Kadji with a very startled expression, very grim, saying how precious life is and how he appreciates it. I keep thinking the people who were dancing I mean they knew a war was going on but you was it their war? This group is from the Netherlands and Iraq is much closer to them.....more than California is to NYC. A little over 4600 kilometers which is ......looking up.....2900 miles. Like, dude you could even ride a bicycle there. Or walk. Or jog. No water to pass over. If you go through Turkey. I guess I'd never given it much thought. Maybe "we" weren't aware even though we were; you read how people in Germany turned a blind eye to what was happening in the camps, or did they know? You can know without knowing. Know unconsciously and feel that and wonder why you have this awful sense of something you can't put a finger on. I get that. But you can be blind to it on the surface because humans too have a sixth sense like animals (who instinctively know when shit's about to go down and flee the scene.....this happened during the tsunami in Indonesia and there are reports of this going on during WWII) but maybe psychologically the mind blocks out trauma and disassociates. I was reading how abuse victims, or those who have been through trauma (maybe everyone has in their own way I don't know if some is better or worse than others I know my story I know what others have said but I'm only inside myself ......but supposing some people just suffer in unusually bad ways) MK programming all that......that that is one reason why people's identities split and they develop alter egos. Two names. I know I have mine. They become this other person then switch back then don't remember. Perhaps some people are more attuned to vibes energy than others. I wish I didn't have that ability there are two sides to that. It can be painful even if I am a genius......Genius is pain, John Lennon said that? There's subliminal imagery in the 2 Unlimited video not sure if it's intentional or not.....the circles with arrows could be rockets pointed. The pinball machine and random numbers springing up. Hm. Just noticed.The setting looks like the stage on a quiz show like Family Feud. "God" is playing games with life? Life is a pinball machine? Eeh. Pure randomness with no consequence? Just speculating. Pretty intense to think about.

Famous Geraldo Skinhead Brawl

  Only recently have I seen this..... it's so ridiculous as to wonder who'd take it seriously.....i.e.  sorry my brain's a little worn I mean the things this "neo Nazi" says as an accurate depiction of anything




Iko Iko

Belle Stars 

total 80s workout, punch, kick, spin, throw

Shirt soaked.....sweat it out

Ran through central park. Tough as hell. Watched earlier a punk rock interview with Regis and Kathy. Tear down the wall! Raybeez as a baybeez he was only 21. Him and his Bullwinkle-ness....."if ur blue and you don't know where to go to why dontcha go where fashion sitz.....puttin' on the ritz"

Special place in hell

Must be the darkening moon.....affecting my mood. Or maybe some of humanity shouldn't have been born. The hypocrites who make these laws.....what they were never broke, or hungry? They never got loans from their parents? I doubt that. I read about someone who will remain nameless who not only stole charity money but spent allegedly $1 million on plastic surgery (sorry but it ain't doing the job) this is money that could have gone to animals, or, excuse me, to help the homeless (you try fucking living on the subway) or starving children, or transgender victims of violence (those she claims to be in solidarity with) or hell even to pay off a third world country's debt not sure I guess it works like regular credit borrow pay back borrow pay back. Henry Miller wrote Shakespeare said "neither a borrower nor a lender be" easier said than done......
My father considered himself  a Republican (moderate pro-choice)
and was in favor of the gulf wars (due to the oil crisis in the 70s I mean I guess I understand the logic certainly would hope there is a better alternative) but picked up hitchhikers during the transit strike this in Chicago during the dead of winter and a blizzard real nice of the CTA huh?.....

http://mobile.reuters.com/article/idUSKBN0IS0D720141108?irpc=932

horrifying

http://blogs.houstonpress.com/news/2014/11/placing_kids_in_foster_care_for_weed_cases_has_dire_consequences.php


My opinion of Sherrill Small and her husband (someone actually married this dude; go figure) I will not say. Drugs aren't great, but they in themselves don't make a bad parent. Bad parents make bad parents.Or foster parents. Or what have you. Child abuse is not instigated by drugs; these people are messed up to begin with and never should have been allowed to have children. Having a kid is not difficult; parenting and raising a kid is. So sad that it takes a tragedy like this to start instigating actions to be taken that should have been in the first place. Not to mention corruption in Texas Child Protective Services and ok I will speak plainly it's so fucking important to these people that a pregnant woman has the baby at all costs no matter that she can't care for it and neither can anyone else, so this is where the child they forced into the world ends up. OOOHHHH! I was so mad I was stomping the floor reading this......

Music @ McDs pretty chill

Kind of like ambient Latin-tinged (a la Brazilian) pop.....stuff to make you think you're still dreaming butchoo ain't .....

Porno makeup

It's amazing how good filmmakers are at making the not real look real. Porno, like other entertainment, is smoke and mirrors. This is a great article in the Huffington Post. Having seen some of these films plus some incredibly disturbing stuff I can say if you want to tell the difference between something real and something staged, I won't say you can't but it's extremely difficult. They know how to make a film look grainy and amateurish, choppy as if done on the spur of the moment or the actors seem like everyday people. I was impressed by how impeccably these actresses' makeup was done.....so I wanted to find out more.....
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/2860651

A . Part of me

Still cares about him always will despite that he fucked me over (or peut etre should I consider myself lucky that's all he did? .....) and caused so much hurt to me his other gfs his family his community of course if the allegations are true his victims. None of this was necessary. But I KNOW something is up. I don't trust the papers (I know there are honest journalists but these ones are not) I have caught them in so many lies. If J is NOT doing what he is accused of then this is a travesty of lies slander hurting innocent people that's as bad as the.crime itself. The way our lives our sex lives our privacy has been invaded IS a form of rape. Total violation of civil rights. This will.....tragedy leads to more fascism more police state more fees for this that security ect never mind that the rents ARE high and we are still getting raped including by the cops. I am well aware it could have been me or my family friends whom he attacked but you know he didn't. I walked around that area at all hours and nicely sexily dressed and wasn't bothered except for a borderline incident who knows.....he did not do this stuff he is accused of to me. I went to sleep he left me alone. We hung out like normal people. 

More

So pretty peaceful.....love fall

Laurie Who's the Boogeyman?

Who indeed? Watching horror films love Halloween, and the 1978 film. Wish I could still watch in......anyway. Voodoo dolls.....the name Laura keeps coming up. Again. Just watched the original House on Haunted Hill.....

By order of the prophet

"They banned that boogie sound /degenerate the faithful....." the Clash

Hauling ass to work.....life was easier living in Manhattan. But  I got there and it's cool. It's 4:24 am super tired but super grateful. The spirits brought "wrong guy wrong situation" say the lyrics on the radio.....me to the people I was with and.....well ?

Bright lights big alien beach

Something weird haunted sci fi vibe here. A friend was telling me alien stories, a couple actually. Just ran 55 mins in my socks. I've never been to Eastern Europe (unless you count East Berlin) but this feels like I see in pictures or like people say: kind of stark and bleak. But not in a bad way. I like the culture the people seem pretty cool, pretty pretty.

Dreams

A part of me is sad I did not go to new orleans another is devastated because I was betrayed by someone Im close to. I cannot reconcile this monster I read about in the press with the person I know. I will always miss the latter. It hurts but life goes on. Had dreams of flying into a mansion going from room to room. Something is going on and all is not what it seems.

Chuck Berry - Maybellene

I read he was a major influence on the Clash one of my favorite bands.....this is so fascinating to me.......totally happy people brought this stuff back!

More Than Teen Spirit

wow wow boy personal experience......back when I was a kid.......anyway, fascinating stuff. so much that you don't see don't hear doesn't mean not there

just found out

There is someone who did target me specifically to cause problems between me and the people I live with, as well as just.....to hurt me. This is no joke.Turns out I was right. Someone was jealous or threatened or what have you.....jealous of my relationships. This was done to me willfully and maliciously. I really have never done anything to anyone to deserve this, ever. I may have done stupid things or behaved badly but I never set out to hurt anyone at least never unprovoked. I am not that kind of person. But those of that kind do exist ......Britney Spears song "Rebellion" was constantly going in my head "Be wary of others/the ones closest to you/the poison they feed you/and the voodoo they do......" Someone else has been working the evil juju sista it wasn't me.....sincerely.....

days

like this I have a blinding headache like I'm getting tasered in the head. I was brutally, sadistically tortured and mocked and, honestly, I don't know how it is I'm still breathing and out in the world, but here I am. I was shaken up in every direction and facing death and well, not crazy but um, can't say I was totally sane, either. Maybe the fact that I didn't put on a blue wig is what let me off the hook. However, I was provoked. I have that thing about me that attracts certain people, I don't have to "do" anything to get attention I'm not the hottest, the best dressed, the weirdest what have you but I guess not willingly I suck energy in. I don't mean to. I don't understand why I am a target. I never did.

And she knew

As she loved lived she loved she needed he somehow had the power but was afraid of hers afraid of hers but she knew she knew.......with the waves withe water she will come back.....take the leap and have faith.....that to the right thing you will be taken.....

Boy the French have come a long way

As per rock music .....

Oils I ordered online.....work wonders for my hair which is very fine and wiry.....coconut, ylang ylang, vitamin e a bunch of great stuff. No parabens. Coconut is amazing in general.....life. ......I'm alive. As yet still.....

Vitalic - My friend Dario: http://youtu.be/_3EXHdT8DKM

"Bullet Bra"

This is a great blog, from Oz I think.....

http://helinhighheels.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-10-10T00:48:00-07:00&max-results=7&m=0

Wow amazing essay

http://helinhighheels.blogspot.com/2010/10/comfortable-concentration-camp.html?m=1

Manhattan indigenous

Kitty kat.....aww

gulf war.......91

  underground dance scene largely consisted of black and latino youth, many gay and lesbian. or else female.......you know disenfranchised people or at least one example....... they liked to boogie down on occasion......one deals with pain in their own way, yes.







boy. some of these images I can't.........they speak for themselves

Second Wave Feminism.......

Andrea Dworkin, Betty Friedan and others wrote about its birth.....due to the hypocrisy (at times) and double standards in the hippie movement.....how groovy is groovy.....think about it.....beneath the peaceful guitar strumming beading exterior......again, this wasn't all the time but unfortunately it was enough to cause alarm that brought forward a new society.....HE was talking.......

Road Trip Salmon Song:





http://youtu.be/haVXS9rMNxI

"I thought every German was you, and the language obscene" Sylvia Plath

 "If I can't dance, I don't want your revolution." Emma Goldman

Anna Pavlova.....was completely obsessed with her. Mainly her face and eyes were what were so expressive

Missing Foundation Party's Over

Betty Friedan had written in a book I'd read The Feminine Mystique that.....in a chapter titled "The Comfortable Concentration Camp" that people being sent to the gas chambers.....one had been a dancer, who did a small dance before being shot. This as told by Bruno Bettleheim. That that was some kind of liberating moment......he'd written that in such extreme conditions those being imprisoned turned on each other rather than those imprisoning them. "Work for your freedom" they'd been told. But the work was drudgery and endless.....you know.....that nothing new. Always there'd been a slave class. Truthfully dance is damn hard work. It's aching, huffing puffing, so excruciating,  and so tiring just no words can describe.....

Yankee detectives
Are always on the TV
'Cos killers in America
Work seven days a week

Never mind the stars and stripes
Let's print the Watergate Tapes
I'll salute the New Wave
And I hope nobody escapes--The Clash

As a teenager, I may have come under the radar of Russian espionage. No, no joke. You don't know.......most people don't even know the half of the half of the beginning.......

When my father came here for a visit......he ........ he'd lived in Chicago (near the Belmont area, that being kind of like the East Village of that city) and Indianapolis, his home town, is a major American city also; not a naive person.  But when we were in a cab on St. Marks with my mom he said it looked like they'd opened up an insane asylum. I am remembering a quote from Missing that Thomkins Sq Park is built on sacred American Indian burial ground thus......explains all the jagged dissonant insanity one always finds there still you know hasn't really gone away......one night I dreamt of a giant fire in that park. Turns out Missing Foundation had had a concert there where they had set a fire.....there was so much random and inexplicable violence both in Chicago and NYC and there seemed a peculiarly sinister element in Chicago maybe because it's a city of such extremes, of weather and other stuff.





Nazis invented (ta-tum! get ready for this one:) 
"Panzer Schokolade" 
i.e. our friend Crystal Meth......Hitler himself.....and I really hate writing on this subject......was a daily injector. Crazy, right? During fascist times seems (to me, though I'm just one person) one parties harder? And the music is better. Why is that? My friend said it's because people pour their pain and struggles into art......


Blazing Saddles   ( link not clear but just click.....)

LA Style



Culture Beat

from the 80's really on a roll

Lil Louie French Kiss  


I read, I think, an interview with David Geffen where he was asked why during Republican presidencies the music is better and he said something along the lines of if Pat Buchanan were elected President the world may suck but the parties would be great, or something like that.....or the music would be great.....around the time of this video the American military was bombing Iraq to dust and anyone-who-may-potentially-have -known-anyone's phone was tapped.....I know this personally. 
 The Berlin Wall (Berliner Mauer) had been torn down but that made no sense to me. A wall in the city and, so what.......? I couldn't fathom. Just couldn't. Except in some ways my experience was similar. Exiled to Siberia? Where was that?

People were simply dying, really being killed, i.e. as in cold blooded murder, by the minute, by the hour.............  Yeah, yeah, we live in a sick world. Human sacrifice? For what?  The levels of which are beyond what one can wrap one's brain around. Around this time, I returned to NYC. Because truth be told I was kind of obsessed with a guy. Also, really, I missed NYC and my life and friends, though Chicago is great and I loved my Dad and all but still......yet Chicago radio is light years superior to NY. All ironies really.
My friend once said to me (the same one I'd been obsessed with, this maybe due to no accident)  very emphatically: "YOU stood out." I don't try to. I really don't. I am a private person but I was sixteen and......so many times I ......it was a time when I felt like I was confronting Death in the face. I could have been Jennifer Moore. One occasion I got into an argument with my mother and walked out......ended up on the LES near what was a junkie squat damn scary. A guy was with me, fortunately.......because when this one approached us, a man with blood dripping from his nose......eyes glazed and boggled..... I mean straight out of a horror film you know......"You came here to shoot up?" No. Drugs had not agreed with me when I'd tried them and all they had to do was stab us with one of those needles (AIDS.....)  no need for any real assault......thinking of this stuff how did I survive? I really......I really.......well, who knows. 

It's all subjective the music better/worse what's great/what sucks you know everyone is different. These are merely my opinions. But I just feel in times of intense political oppression the music improves and gets more intense a teacher once said about the roaring 20s......consensus was we could all die any day so party it up. I mean.....? well.......

Vlogging@ whole foods

Vlogging@ whole foods 2: http://youtu.be/3fFRdtlIAlI

Vlogging at whole foods

Vlogging@ whole foods 2: http://youtu.be/3fFRdtlIAlI
Looks like someone beat me to it but I had a harrowing 48 hours like being in a torture device I went to wf to .....pull myself together.....I got emotional.....I had a horrid meltdown today screamed at these random people walking by and a girl who barged into me
These people were Indian oh God it was so oh God I'm horrible but I was so devastated over what happened and  so hurt and upset for my friends and so

Receipts and naked drawings

Stuff I found today near LGBT

Video I did while uptown

Strange noises: http://youtu.be/gnhgbnq76BE

About 7 months ago.....soon before leaving. Pretty decent tho.....

As I see it

So I write it. Take it however you will that's you not me.

Watched the Hot Chick

More alligators. Cute film.
No matter how much I like someone when I need space I need space. Just.......I don't know. Life can be so random. If only I could go to the future see the outcome then go back. Or I guess I can. Like a chess game. I'm not much for strategy. My legs hurt. I had crazy dreams last night.....I was home then went to a basement room or something it became the church basement......the Catholic one on 14th. Where that freaky bazaar was. An older woman in white came up to me and spit at me. I'd had one a couple days before where I'm swept up in a tornado. Then I'm supposed to meet a friend end up in queens trying to get back.....

Alligator head in MTF

Of all things.....I've seen those sporadically. I used to see them in this house I lived in in Ohio.....saw one @ Hunter a few months ago.....

Nice break

B vitamins.....whoever invented soda is a genius and I love them.....one can never have too many 2 liter Mountain Dews

Went through hell

I was nearly killed emotionally if not physically. A lot of work to untangle myself.
When all is said and done I stayed strong. How did I?
Now watching Meet the Fockers think I've earned two hours of this. This guy I dated a while back, Vital who at least I can say took me to raves and out to dinner, nice) spaced out in an Indian restaurant as the bright lights were too intense.....told me, "Laura you're the flakiest person I know." Then paused and said, "Laura you're a fruit loop."
This girl Liz, one of Ted's "fuck friends" that he is famous for, that he "won't hesitate to use if you're unavailable" (and he didn't) tried to dissuade this guy Manny from seeing me by telling I'm crazy (he continued to see me.....)

Punk rock around the world

Was looking for European bands then did a cross search in Latin America and discovered this band from Colombia......totally hooked on this one.

AterciopeladosAterciopelados - Luz Azul: http://youtu.be/lpdTjrqy9Ww

Flea market @14th

Right next to the Catholic church.....really funky stuff. Got these a esome sunglasses and a bunch of dvds including Walk the Line so just now reading about Johnny Cash.....real fascinating stuff. My uncle is a big fan of him. The song Thriller came on while I was looking at a cd of Whitney Houston....."and tho you fight to stay alive/your body starts to shiver/for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller" then that laugh.......all this looking at her photo pretty chilling you know considering what happened......in the east village now it's a dark moon but a gothic eerie calm.....wind starting as will rain soon.....I have been insatiably hungry all day. Will you still love me when I'm a fat girl.....after hard training plus work plus undereating guess my body is asking for a break.....took some cool photos.....the ghosts are out tonight .....it's not scary but more bizarre and lulling hypnotic

Thirty minutes of torture

But did done. Got into three fights. Boom bam pow! Isn't that a Hall and Oates album? Stand your ground, like they say in Florida. Don't take any (slaps fist to palm).....

dreams of planes

I'm standing not sitting, this a recurring one. The plane is landing (astral projection, I must have stepped outside my own body they say that happens during times of trauma ) then it lands. It's summer, but out of the blue it's snowing. One guy, he looked like one I went on .....who was on a trip to London on that study abroad .....said, I told you before it was snowing why didn't you see it? Maybe this is after watching a documentary on 9/11 and dust everywhere.....it was literally pulverized into sand.....a plane alone did that? But some other time for that one.
Before I left for London I had had my belly pierced this guy.....who did it.....I got some kind of rush from the pin going in must have been shock.....only later I felt the pain.....couldn't shower without feeling it later I needed dry air couldn't be around cigarette smoke. I moved out of the dorm. It was chaos. Had to take a taxi to Newark.....my boyfriend at the time helped me. I really acted horribly at times. Believe me, I felt guilt then and still do. By a hair scrape as usual I got out of a mess. Jeez, how do I do it? I don't go looking for these situations. In my dream before leaving.....still in my room at the time, after getting the piercing I fell asleep and suddenly was in a museum, the Natural History. Dead, encased butterflies. I suddenly was out of my body and flying through this place that was full of artifacts but no human beings, nothing alive period. Then I fell down to the floor. I was on the steps. I woke up and looked up. The soul leaves the body but to where? I dream constantly of being in a plane, a hot air balloon, flying above the city......


http://canankk.deviantart.com/art/Flying-In-Dreams-203696349

from this site http://www.pinterest.com/dreamscloud1/flying-dreams/

Madness - One Step Beyond my name turned up again......

look to the left.......ca. 1980 something. Angleterre. British lad hotties.......

"in the waters off beautiful Nauset

I used to pray to recover you, ach, du......"

Sylvia Plath 

“She raised her chin and her pale, black-fringed eyes sparkled in the moonlight. Ellen had never told her that desire and attainment were two different matters; life had not taught her that the race was not to the swift. She lay in the silvery shadows with courage rising and made the plans that a sixteen-year-old makes when life has been so pleasant that defeat is an impossibility and a pretty dress and a clear complexion are weapons to vanquish fate.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind, Part 1 of 2

"semper crescis
aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurat
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem,
potestatem
dissolvit ut glaciem.

O Fortune,
like the moon
you are changeable,
ever waxing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as the sharp mind takes it;
poverty
and power
it melts them like ice."


Carmina Burana


"Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
A snapshot in a family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?"

Pink Floyd

“She couldn't survey the wreck of the world with an air of casual unconcern.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

Summer in Hamptons which I missed but when I was about fourteen......

There was a book in the house about the "real world" of ballet, this before the show "Breaking Pointe" which I love personally. One knows the drill: anorexia, drugs, pain, more pain, hard work and neck to neck competition. Not to mention at times physical and emotional abuse. I could never make myself barf just couldn't.....the other stuff......ugh. I was slightly chubby but loved dance.....so I read in this book that Baryshnikov approached a young woman dancer of his once saying he saw fat on her thighs, some such thing. She, as she told this writer, said maybe it was the birth control pills she'd been taking. According to her, he then walked away, turned around and said, "Why don't you try taking cold showers instead." He wasn't kidding, she told the writer. Oh.....at the time I didn't understand. I think I'd asked my mother, are cold showers a form of birth control? How do they prevent pregnancy? Similar to watching Gone with the Wind, when Scarlett told Rhett she didn't want more kids.....I'd always assumed that birth control was always available. Somehow didn't put two and two together til recently, or understood why this was such a colossal issue.....in the book he says "You may keep your chastity" in the film it was switched to "sanctity......"

so.....more on.....

what I wrote before about these experiences.....strange how they fade into the background til you suddenly remember then write them down. I saw a British film last night where the actor talks about twists and random turns of fate and that's the only explanation.....well one possible one of why I didn't end up sitting where someone like Amanda Knox or these other people you read about are. Because I'm me and they're them? Well, obviously. One psychic said simply life may have other plans.....but how by a slip of the fingers I got away from that. But I'm not there I'm here and can as yet still walk and talk and breathe and I"m not standing trial but writing eating working dancing, trying to.....Halloween! Love it. Sadly, that's.....well.....other stuff. Ee. I thought I had to put photos of me cleaned up and in an innocent or safe place but I say no, show it how it is. As it is not everyone is friendly to me. Maybe some want me to STFU. Wouldn't surprise me. But this is my story and this is what is happening, what did.....what will?

Re-invent yourself? I did once

At least once.....that for another time.

This is it as it is

imperfect and highly fucked up and fabulous too......my head aches, my heart and soul ache.....but I'm telling it as I spin it so I relive it

THE MAIDS / TRAILER

   Wow what a rendition! This the Papin sisters, of which I'd written a couple days ago. I'd seen this when it came out but to read about it then see it......found it)



Below is Hecate, goddess of the crossroads. I find her particularly intriguing, of the Greek goddesses. A couple of artists' renditions of her.

cabotinecco is the artist, a he from China. This is computerized. Over in many of the Asian countries there seem to be many aces at digitalized art. His stuff is incredible. 

The second is an Australian female going by Cemac  her interpretation of Hecate is more sympathetic.....light for the lost, certainly.....

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Comes in threes doesn't it? Joan Rivers dies at 81 (=9) Billi Shakes at the Bitter End and from Humane Association This boxer (dog) fights for her life but was given a 2nd chance.....anyway.....I was talking to someone about a sarcophagus.....he had a mini one. It opens up and there is a tiny mummy inside. Or a small rendition of one. I also saw on the headlines a headless woman in the London suburbs (that's a creative way) and an 8 year old girl in Arizona (seems to happen quite a bit there) ......finally the "hot car dad" .....all this as I was listening to British and American 70s-80s rock......and thinking about the time I spent in London I know I have written on this before but it's stuck in my mind. 

King's Cross London

I watched the Amanda Knox movie again (I get weird obsessions with films I watch some repeatedly I guess it runs in the family I have Gone With the Wind memorized practically) but it makes sense of course. Foreign exchange (Foreigner ha) students particularly "dumb Americans" naive, young, malleable, confused.......are an easy target for those who'd take advantage. Also because, as I said before, what happened to Amanda could have happened to me or many others. It was simply a few factors that stood in the way of me ending up in that predicament though I had my own minor brush with trouble and the cops over there. I could only imagine how terrifying.....it WAS..... for a time I thought I'd never get out of there.....be forever stuck in this far-off place with strange cops who were unsympathetic in this land that never got hot and everyone looked peculiar and was hostile to us.....this while being taken to see movies about police in Australia and Britain brutally beating prisoners yeah enough to scare the living shit out of someone like me. But to be stuck in prison a part of me wonders if I'd have a heart attack. Only the international law stood in my favor and the cops there didn't want to mess with that. Really, a miracle. Imagine if this was a country where .....there is less law. Or none. When I went to Israel I was detained and interrogated (first time ever I've been.....I was outraged as it turns out proved me innocent thankfully.....I later saw the same reactions on Law and Order episodes "What's all this about? You think I did this?" ect) by this soldieress yes I.....they know what they're doing (probably trained by the American military) they provoke you and provoke you, trying to break you down, test your reactions, see how you respond. I can't say I was this girl's biggest fan and at the end I finally snapped (again.....sitting in a foreign airport desperately wanting to get the fuck out of there.....never been so damn grateful to get on a plane) and I was walking around Amsterdam full of rage and whimpering at being singled out.....why why why.....but I suppose I can't hold it against someone for doing their job and following protocol I understand the big picture. But.....me being American, middle class, white.....Protestant what have you, you take these privileges for granted having them and it devastated me later to hear people who do not have these advantages telling me what they went through. A girl who was of Syrian descent (which actually I have some in me my maternal great grandfather was allegedly Syrian maybe Syrian Jewish) but you wouldn't know it talking to me, talked about, this while we were in London, and she spoke with an American accent but how she was detained on an international flight to Paris (she came from money but no matter) her suitcase wrapped in yellow tape and forced to wear a gold star and all this before September 11, 2001. Right when I had that skirmish with the international phone center, after having my bag stolen in Burger King (interestingly was reading David Copperfield oops oh look! it's really happening) having no money I admit I was dumb enough to walk into this place thinking I could call collect my Dad, God bless him, on the other end at his job in Indianapolis.....then this furious guy on the phone with my father saying I owed 13 GBP ya de ya "August thuhteenth" the same day that the American embassy in Nigeria was bombed. At the time we had no internet and little access to the news and I couldn't afford a newspaper because my money was taken from me. These experiences are very common in Europe it happens to European tourists as well. So be careful. But the place I was staying in London, no joke, called the "Dimwiddy House".....in the red light district but hey if you're gonna go go in style baby, had very tight security I have said this before. But had it not certainly a break in probably would have occurred the same way it did in Perugia. Who knows why this poor girl Meredith had such a terrible, unjust end. I am sorry for that......how could anyone be sorry enough? Multiple injustices there. And no explanation.....not enough of one. Such a bizarre world, you know? It goes without saying at least Joan Rivers got to live out her life. I just don't understand it, but I suppose there is no understanding some things.....
Apparently in this neighborhood King's Cross, my father got the message I had been kidnapped.....the policeman told me there had been sirens alarms and a military style search team trying to find me.....I was escorted back to the Dimwiddy House, down the street, shaking and sobbing.....my father on the phone "stay away from Pakistani, stay away from Hindu.....they think you have money and they don't like you....." I walked into the student house, kids standing around smoking and my fellow students watching.....as I struggled to stay composed and extremely embarrassed.....telling the supervisor (a woman.....) of my group what happened.....who had been kind enough to lend me a little money as I had zero anything.....thankfully did have my passport. I had gone there having had listened to British electronic music thinking I would walk into what I saw in music videos. Yeah, I was right, but wrong part of London. My knowledge of Scotland, where we were headed next, was Braveheart (it's called highlands because? It's above the UK......? Or is it really higher, like on a mountain, in my head I pictured a city on a huge rock.....called....what? cliff?) Later on I ventured out on my own and found what, in London I mean, I had been seeking initially. I ventured off alone to some clubs (honestly, I didn't have a great rapport with the kids I went with, we just didn't mesh. At first anyway) and met real natives there. This was a far better experience. This is how I typically traveled I don't know I just had that impulse in me always since birth......to wander off.....sometimes made me feel guilty. I used to do that constantly as a little kid......in Michigan on family trips I did that making my poor mother hysterical as I was simply gone.....I'd wander into other people's back yards and go on the swings, one time in Roscommon boy did I get lost. 
I ended up somewhere around this area pictured looks familiar.....years later GPS would save me but then I'd had none.....must have been a spirit or some such that did then. I was about maybe seven years old with a worse sense of direction than I have now.

Luckily someone picked me up and I don't even know how I got back.....I had been on a bicycle and spun off the I don't know where.....my mom had no cell phone did I even know my address? I think that's the only reason someone managed to drive me back. It's lucky it wasn't some fucker who picked me up but a decent citizen...... 
This is the little gorgeous river in Roscommon.....oh yes.....I went on a trip, a couple years before the London one, to visit family with my mother and little sister.....we went on this same canoe expedition and it started to storm then I dropped my glasses in the river. During this time I had been crying because a guy I'd been dating had flirted with another girl. Eh. History (hysteria) repeats itself and repeats itself.....Ten years later on another trip my grandfather rest his soul, who was.....a little off.....would accuse me of stopping up his toilet. 

Interesting.....toilet stopped then water flowing.....or.....?

Monarch programming?

What I've been reading about.....therein speaks for itself

Someone

Just told me I look like I am from the 1920s cool.....F Scott Fitzgerald would love me cool)

My name showing up around the city

I know Laura is a common name but this is just too bizarre. On the Manhattan bridge and this, I'm sorry.....freaky show.

One of numerous articles on the Papin sisters

This is about as gruesome as it gets.....these two young, very pretty girls snapped and tortured and killed their employers. A number of things apparently contributed to this. There have been dozens of plays, films, articles about this case. Many people and young women were exploited this way around the world but this doesn't often happen.

http://scandalouswoman.blogspot.com/2009/07/murderous-maids-scandalous-crimes-of.html?m=1

Movies.....

Like I said my friend was very sweet to make me some dvds I've mentioned this before La Ceremonie the Amanda Knox and Jodi Arias movies.....I am sorry for whatever personal issues are tied up with them.....but the Knox film is very prettily filmed I am fascinated by this the director his name evades me is Romanian I have seen a couple incredible films out of there. It's really a travesty in my opinion that the international dvd place in the west village closed cause I mean there are lots of great American films but there is so much around the world most people here don't know about. Netflix is just too complicated for me I guess I'm old school (ugh!) my mom rents stuff even vhs from the library all the time. I grew up watching a lot of French, some Italian cinema. Anyway the acting in the Knox film is great the actor playing Lumumba is hilarious and the one playing Guede I wikied this wrote the music: Djibril Debe with an accent I believe is his name.....and Vincent Riotta.....as Mignini.....La Ceremonie is loosely based on an infamous French case of two maids who went beserk.....the Papin sisters.....and killed their emplyers. This was one of the early.....well actually certainly not the first incident of this.....before there was mass media or newspapers there was simply gossip, hysteria.....like the witch trials but anyway this was the 1930s and it was a huge sensation like OJ Simpson or Jodi Arias equivalent in France. Why do these things happen? Who knows.....they simply do.

Death dream

Kept digging up a grave.....someone close to me who passed a long time ago.....the corpse was in there but only later I realized.....must have been telling of something.....I had been there when made kept going back there was $ in coffin didnt know to take it or not.....parking lot.....

Nightmare, another

Peaches Geldof wearing some kind of astronaut mask......some thing, white.....then bruise marks around the eyes.....looking at a street.....coffin appeared, some kind of pointed star under it.

Tv

Wish I could spend all my time eating sourdough bread and brie, watching Cold Case or the Amanda Knox film which is actually almost funny.....have to hustle put $ in my purse pretty much immediately. It was fun while it lasted.
Wrote that over the summer. Been through an emotional blender. My email got hacked. Weird messages sent to friends. Everything is weird. I think back to when I was in jersey city and I was like a naive child. I had no clue what was to come. But it will always be the same til I change something fundamental in me but how? I'm trying......

Horrifying nightmare

Im sorry to say this its great someone painted a mural to the late Robin Williams but it kind of freaked me out when I passed it. Clowns in general terrify me.....it says "keep on smiling"'though he's not smiling. I saw this in a storm.....After watching some disturbing videos on youtube and the Amanda Knox film (more freak stuff there) I fell asleep the fan sounded like it was oscillating in a weird way vaaaaRHOOm now it stopped plus muffled bass on a blasting car radio outside (witnessed the same thing in Miami I read somewhere they transport the dead or their souls what have you) a vision.....oh terrifying.....Robin Williams' face with clown makeup and a pig's nose I mean no disrespect in writing this.....just staring blankly. I was reading about these fucked up .....ugh.....wearing pig and goat masks I guess that's what triggered it .....

Mirrors, water

Kept thinking of a horror film I saw water dripping.....down came the rain.....dreamt I was staring into a shattered mirror but not my reflection looking back at me an older man with a white beard.....temporal? Actually never looked that up.....

Watched Jodi Arias DLS and Love and Death

My friend was very nice to make me some dvds I watched a couple yesterday. Love and Death by Woody Allen is particularly disturbing but brilliant.....the end especially. The JA film, though inaccurate, to say the least, stands pretty well on its own I find the lead actress very likable. Just my opinion, you know.....I had the ending of LAD in my mind today.....

Heroin, more.....

Naltrexone, naloxone.....used to treat od.....these are preventable tragedies.....
I guess you can carry this stuff with you.....

Heroin.....

http://www.spiritualriver.com/heroin-overdose/these stories are devastating. People don't understand addiction can and does happen to anybody. From what I  gauge the drug  as sold off the street is cut with other substances like rat poison (the Clash sang about this) which causes death. To go cold turkey? Not necessarily the answer.....because if someone takes the drug again at the same dosage that's often what causes death. I read this and think this could have been me I never used heroin but I can't deny I did other stuff. Heroin is physically addicting, so it is not that easy to just quit. In its pure form it is less dangerous than when mixed. These people should not have died and going going off the drug is torture, literally, so I've been told.  What other way there must be one.....

Actually.....JFK Jr

This whole debacle yeah a real enigma. And heartbreaking. Blondie sang die young stay pretty.....flying with a broken foot I don't understand the mechanics of flying I guess you step on the gas like in a car. Lost near Martha's Vinyard where Obama is vacationing.....I got the Star card the other day and yes I am a genius as if the stars are shining on me.....divinely inspired and TY.....but as for ......the documentary on MM.....where it gets twisted: the Kennedys allegedly plotted to kill her (you can see the embarrassed wince on JFK's face in the "Happy Birthday Mr. President" moment, Bobby too).....but then afterwards they become victims of another conspiracy? Doesn't make sense.....

On a lighter note.....Bubbys

Cute restaurant in Tribeca. JFK Jr. Used to go here. I am so obsessed with this story this was watching a documentary on Marilyn Monroe where they re-created the crime scene her organs this that. This place had pretty decent food super spicy nachos huge veggie burger, huge..... 

They say

Ask for courage to accept what you can't control and change what you can but.....I don't accept what I can't control accept a tsunami? It could be worse.....Amanda Knox once said when asked who had it worse her or Meredith, she said I still have a chance to live as much as my life has been stolen or identity or something. I don't accept what I can't control but I live with it, I deal with it. At the time it feels like hell but it isn't the end. Pain is all encompassing it clouds your vision turns your life upside down. I will never understand the hate and vindictiveness of some people. I can't get in their minds but why should I care? Still, don't ever let anyone steal your life they have no right to and only you know what's right for you how you should live what makes you happy. You love someone til they become God you too give them that power to with the motion of a hand destroy your life. In order to feel secure you have to have faith in them.....you give them a piece of you and they rip it to shreds. At least in the past I did. The day Michael Jackson died I went to the Bhuddist temple, wandered in, tho I'm not Bhuddist.....I think that's when I found out.....about MJ. The night before I had news Justin was making out with another girl ffs I can't turn my back for a second. To betray a person's trust.....play games with their mind and heart you don't get over these things.....you never get over them. They say time heals what bs. But ok I have relived the pain and let a lot of things go. You look back at some situations and think I wish I wish I had just walked away. Or done it sooner. Worst mistake not doing it sooner.....but stayed instead only to be lured back promise this promise that only a matter of time before you're proven right again and again. But by then there's rubble, there is more pain, and it never feels good to cause another pain, ever, Jeanne D'arc said she was more fond of her banner than her sword. I don't pretend to be a saint I did a lot of shitty stuff. But I was confused desperate and vulnerable but until I clear my own head it won't matter anyway.....I try. I try. I am so....., but I try.....
Missing Persons lyrics: they say time will heal everything reason and common sense/but with time and reason surely comes the loss of innocence.....

Nightmares

I rarely have these.....maybe the full moon my mind thinking rather cryptic stuff. I was thinking of an episode of cold case featuring a circus, clowns and a girl dancing in ribbons or curtains I'm not sure what you call them. I want to try that! A guy gives her lsd.....that is such an incredible show. But clowns scare the shit out of me.
Later watched a YouTube documentary on the death of Marilyn Monroe and how scientists recreated the circumstances and her organs and such but that plus something else I heard had me shaken up I suppose and I fell asleep rather uneasily.....then this often happens I dream I'm sleeping then it's like I'm lifted ip but in a cloud this a dark on and like I was being squeezed. Then was dropped down.....woke up in a sweat.....

Across the bridge, sans headphones

Was thinking, getting lost nearly, as I always do, in Chinatown.......this is going to be killer. Dread in my stomach.
Reminded me of hanging out with Justin, always when I am in the LES. Lovely Bhuddist temple near canal st, next to Fung Wah! What a feeling of liberty, I can drive again. I can register at a hostel, what have you. Up the bridge, not too bad what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so though my muscles ache they are better.....so many times have I been back and forth on this bridge. Food! Food! Thinking now.......

Round again.......

My butt still hurts but oh what a butt........ I'm a Leo which rules the heart running is good for the heart. I managed to make it from the east village down to near canal st .....a long ways! In half hour.......the plan is to go to Brooklyn over the bridge haven't been to coney island in forever. Dying to go to the beach.....if I can make it over there. Friends and I used to ride our bikes out there from fort greene.....

Another.....

Lower blood pressure. Soldieress in a pink dress and pink panties.....another 20 mins missing the first 15 mins of criminal minds but that's the price sometimes.....sultry summer evenings.....I get all mushy corny makes me remember evenings in Evanston bbqs.....

Lovely August Day

Ran half hour not finished.....hunger so intense feels like my head slammed with a rock.....was so tense one o' those......shoulders and neck stiff. Short tempers. I saw a sign by the east river in French it read "flying boat" je pense bataeu volee with an accent.....I remember thinking that makes no sense. But as it is they really do do both. I just watched one land. All this time I still haven't been to the beach.....I was in horrible pain running my ass hurts literally I think from these exercises I did. Dancing again.....that means training. On the up side I have a hot derriere. I try to think that way.....but with every pounce it felt like someone was kicking me back there.....just raw. I was grunting and finally crying practically then screaming. That is my muscles loosened I .....was very stiff. I watched a clip from Kill Bill I love the western scenes in it and the cowboy and Mexican stuff. There were times I felt myself a victim but now I see myself as a soldier.....soldieress? But such are the hazards.......

Nightmares fear of ghosts and Monty Python

Lumber jack song: http://youtu.be/5zey8567bcg

My mom had told me a ghost story which subsequently had me too spooked to sleep at night.....so J Sr. ..... bizarre how things come around.....a Pisces, fish, Poisson, Jesus, feet.....a lot of Pisces (es?- what's the plural of Pisces? Pisces'.....? No that's possessive.....) anyway gave me a tape of Monty Python figuring it would cheer me up and help me overcome my fear of ghosts in the closet. The song they sang was this one, the Lumberjack Song. This was while I was a child in Chicago. Of course it made no sense to me (lumberjack in women's clothing?.....lavatory I'd never heard that word "laboratory?" "I go to the laboratory") It still doesn't. We took many weekend trips to Michigan, Wisconsin, Massachusetts......the road does get boring J Sr. Esp fond of Garrison Keilor..... to visit family and friends.....there was some family tragedy at the time. It happens. I was too young to understand but I guess it seeped in unconsciously. This was a tape he gave me so I heard but did not see. Ghosts in the closet, "Mrs Scum" ("what is scum?").....this song.....this in the dark, at night. I think I was born to stay up at night. Apparently as a baby I drove my mother crazy with my inability to sleep at night.

Crazy night

It's NYC and all Friday night and unfortunately I have dealt with some people who must have been born in the sewers of this town recently. But there are others who are wonderful I've been close to both. I mean I saw so much craziness a couple fighting to where it got physical a guy pulling over asking me if I want to watch him jerk off I mean he told me I'm beautiful after someone else said I am ugly so.....where does that leave me? I asked this guy why would I want to see that? I mean a part of me felt bad for him and knew I was going to be the 200th girl to turn him down..... There is more the situation I talked about I mean it is so.....it doesn't make any sense. I haven't eaten enough have been wired tight from the stress of the past week I look feel haggard. ....I ran through the park felt like I was .....it was hellish I saw myself in the mirror emaciated sweating everywhere and gorgeous but a stranger was looking back at me. Was told something about an initiation (into what?) a marriage (what?) Makes no sense.