help with

cash of course of course hot sex (even more than I'm having already) apartment ??????? love friends beauty organization /scheduling stop negativity stop my paranoia find out .....


find out



what the fuck is happening? anywhere?????????????

grrrrr

Sarah Palin Dartboard


Aw, ok I'm mean. But someone else actually thought of it.........

you

you kill me but I find you fascinating. Can't seem to get enough. Fascinating that someone like you can exist. Wanting to know why?

new....this time?

this time
it was you
it was you

all that was tight
gets tighter

all that was light gets lighter

what is mine is all mine

what is mine is all mine
all mine




this time
I had to have it had to
had to have it again this time again

new version of ALL/flying high all the way to Paris

I'm going out, going out for a night
I'm going out, going out for a night

do I feel fear
do I
do I feel fear
do I




all these things
all these things
all these things
are coming your way
all these things
all these things
all these things
coming your way
coming your way



I'm sinking,
into myself I'm
falling, falling again
had to breathe, to begin again



raining, raining heavy
raining, heavy raining


and these didn't exist before

it's raining
and lust, will come again
will come again
raining lust will come again


all that's bright
glass fragments shine
light down on me, through me again

they swallow me up
swallow me up
I'm part of them

are you going out
going out again

where are you going?

I'm going out
going out
I'm going out
going out


and I'll see you
see you

I'll see you
this time
how can't I

have to share this

this is so fucking great in my view......

here is the conversation I had on youtube

Teimoso.....Riding f. Shelley Preston

lauraalta (1 week ago) Show Hide

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am I the only person in the world who loves this song? this is brilliant....

who is teismo????

vpowah69 (1 week ago) Show Hide

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nop :) This track was famous when it cames out (Digweed compiled it i think).

Teimoso is Rui Da Silva, old progressive producer.

lauraalta (3 days ago) Show Hide

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yeah I used to listen to that CD global underground LA constantly...

left hand path/satanism does not equal abuse of animals

it centers on respect for the earth and that means the environment and all that lives in it.

great article--yoga is a science, not a religion

http://lefthandpath.typepad.com/left_hand_path/2008/02/yoga-is-not-a-r.html

i don't know

this person or what she did or who she asked for.....but my guess is that either she was not respectful or she's mentally unstable.

was it.....

Sometimes I see very intense things when I close my eyes. They are as real as a photograph. I don't know where I saw any of these faces.....? who knows....

I thought I heard footsteps, but no one was there. A shadow against the wall.....moving very quick, like a bat. When I close my eyes the visions are vivid and full I saw a man with blue mud on his face, he leaned over me. Then a face, not human, some kind of reptile. With wings. Some other things not so.....things that would just spring up pow! like that.....the feeling where you are walking in your sleep and trip...... Flying also.

All revised

all these things I
come your way vi
oh I'm on fire vi
I'm on fire



something silvery
jewelry reflects like like
the moon the sun
sparks one, two
it's you, always you

fell into something
you fell
but now you're back up
there's mud on you
or is it dirt

and again it flashes
the tiny star
runs by you and through you
so fast I can't stop it

Question Everything by Buddha

"Rely not on the teacher/person, but on the teaching. Rely not on the words of the teaching, but on the spirit of the words. Rely not on theory, but on experience. Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."
--The Buddha

And I'm speaking as a life long feminist.....I am shattered. I can't believe.....that someone could stoop so low.

to those

who insult and defame my friends:

hey you're entitled to speak it's a free country. Even though you did not allow others the same....those who disagreed with you or questioned your highly unbelievable aspersions against person in question which, by the way, you did not keep anonymous.

And you are allowed your opinions no matter how wrong you may be. But if you're going to say that people whom I've become close to are these evil monsters when, face it, you have nothing which to back up your accusations, expect that I and others are going to take offense and well, lash back. Where are the other sides' comments? I looked and can't find them.

My friends are not perfect individuals. They make mistakes like anyone. But they don't deserve what is being hurled at them. OK. more on this later.

and

it's the waning moon now, in Scorpio. What better time to....?

noise?

I was in the library and had music on my headphones and this annoying girl with a snotty little accent came up to me and told me I was making noise.....really bitchy about it. I mean, at least ask politely. But you know it's not worth getting into it with her. I have too much else going on. I could say some really nasty stuff but I have too much class. Women so much of the time are very nasty with me....they just don't like me. I don't like many of them. It's a mutual animosity. I never had many girlfriends though I had a few. It's disheartening, though. There could be a positive bonding but it rarely happens. I try. Cunt. My ex roommate was very nasty to me....so many of them, too many to count. It always ends on a horrible not. And it was never my intention for that to happen. I don't know what I did wrong, if anything. Very nasty and condescending. I was very hurt and offended. But what can I do? The energy it would take to retaliate is a waste it's that which I could spend on something productive. So sue me, I've made mistakes. All my goodwill fell by the side.

So in a wonderful world where everything happens right


travel to cartegena, paris, egypt
finish and perform songs
backup singers
finish sps
get tattoos
get piercings


waning moon in scorpio....good time for banishing for good.

have great sex
visit cats

new words

going back
it's my one thing one and only thing
future that's ours all the stars my only
only thing
take a risk money is honey
living for the only thing only thing
I'm your favorite
running, running while it gets darker

To Britney Spears

You are awesome too, I wish I could be friends with you I think we'd get along... and an amazing dancer but bad, very bad, for using those elephants in your video.

Elephants belong in Africa, or India, or wherever they typically roam, NOT under a tent! I'd say let all these animals go and they will probably survive. People say they won't, being bred in captivity, but I think that's bullshit. I know that cats are resilient and can usually make their way.

Open letter to Quentin Tarantino

You're the best. Almost. Ok. There is no BEST...but you're up there. You're awesome. Please hire me. I'll do....well not anything, but anything not too demeaning. And that doesn't harm animals.

light lady

stabbed a tiny drop
red, red, feel it to my fingertips, to my ends, my hair
feel the beating against my chest
blood spurting, my eyes roll back
seeing darkness, then light again
a bell, the sound echoes against me
there's something in me, a kind of smoke
that opening sharp also so
all the love, love can flood me


Impossible to run away from
could there be so much blood?
in one person
this was a dream date, still is
somehow it goes through you, all again
those shards of glass could be diamonds
one big blessing and she didn't die
it's all yours
and your heart opens, stabbed this time
the blood is black, and red
smoke comes out of you

feeling it again
i'm sinking into myself
here to stay, something's melting
the blessings, the gems,
fall on my face



ice hits my knees is
winter always so brutal?

Getting there

forming in drops
glass broken into three sides
but it's heaven sent and
you're hot, hot inside
and the freedom is yours
really, finally yours
do you know
what it's like
to be light when you were heavy

she who tortures you smiles and lies
she tells you she's only looking out for you
to make yourself holy you need only
annihilate yourself
she smiles and stabs you
again and again
wipe yourself off the planet
she'll ruin your life while living it

oh so holy
so unquestionable
who are you to fuck with this?

ours is the map new draft

Ours is the map the world
we have only to jump over
all my heart, and love and
that which is red.....begins to reflect and
it's mine, to throw out
out to the world
all my blood is hot , red hot
all my love is hot, red hot
heating up, higher now

you piss me off but I still love you am I sick?

what can I do?

what can I?

I can do something.....


I AM NOT POWERLESS .........

remember in American Beauty? I refuse to be a victim?

SO.....


what do I do?

you follow the world

oh help me vii
I didn't mean to vii
didn't mean to vi

oh heavy, heavy love ii
it's mine, all mine V
oh I beg you mercy mercy
I have to stay alive, somehow
see yourself outside yourself
iii
iii
love, love will cure all iii
it's the only hope


ii
ii
see yourself outside yourself vi
you will be tortured in so many ways

are you afraid? iii
to be free, to be really free vii


(more)


oh it's us, us and we are one iii
we're two and become one iii
could it happen? it's hunger, love
hunger, love
what it is seizes you ii (??????)
why is it so hard to find the truth
what's really obvious

health care quote

ok. All this week I've been dealing with health insurance issues. This had been an ongoing problem for months, but now after intense concentration I'm managing to resolve it. I applied for this cheap program and also am eligible for this 9/11 program as my mother was downtown at the time. I went into the clinic at St. Vincent's hospital and, after waiting all day, talked to a social worker and psychiatrist who prescribed me some medication as it turns out I have ADHD. I really do, no bs.

I will get into the massive....as this was part of our consciousness raising for the women's group I worked with....we gave our testimonies. That's only the tip of mine. I moved, I never got the forms for renewal as I'd had insurance before so it expired then to apply again I needed a letter from an employer which in my situation is extremely difficult to get, if not impossible. I won't get into THAT. BUT, someone I have been doing some work for finally agreed to sign a letter. But the point is, I don't see why I need the person above me, or any third person involved to get health insurance. My getting it was dependent on someone else's goodwill. But in my case, universal health care saved me. My friend made a funny quote once, saying that the taxes in Europe are much higher than here in the US and they only keep half of what they earn as the rest goes into these social programs. He said, "The money has to come from somewhere it's not going to come from a magic wand." So I suppose there's no easy answer. I don't think the middle class should carry the burden of paying for the problems of the whole US, or...? I mean, so many people are out of jobs now that they need these things. Well, anyway, just some thoughts on the subject.

getting there which way

getting there which way?
the sermon will begin
you missed it again
you've have this dream before, will again


marks on your skin
only a small sting, the sharpness
it's bled bled and red

you know what's yours,
celestially sent, this
this
is mine it's bent

we could

we could be both
from the same place
and sometimes I shut
my eyes and there you are

in fact for you to get insulting or personal in such a way as you did, to be angry is one thing but to insult and abuse me to my face and publicly embarrass me proves one thing: i did the right thing by leaving you were never my friend or anything beyond i won't get into that hear we were never meant to be and you are absolutely without a doubt the WRONG person.....so i'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart i apologize for my mistake. for my "fuck up." and you really knocked me to the floor. and i absolutely know we are not meant to be and never were.

As for current one, and I pray, if _____ you know who you are....if you do love me do not EVER do what they did. I believe...rather KNOW you do. You must. Why else would you be with me? It's not for my money. I'm not the BEST looking girl, though I think I'm pretty enough. BUT: I pray again the times I feel you don't really care for me or value me, it's a misunderstanding. I feel you must love me but other times I don't. I have no idea what you're up to ....actually I do. If you're doing to me what you did to the others.....won't get into that here. I loved you. Maybe that was my mistake---but no. No. In spite of everything, I can't see it that way. BUT:

don't start acting like them. When you do that's when I take off. I really will. DO NOT be like them. Do not ever insult or abuse me like they did. I have to trust you won't be.

It's hard but not impossible. It's a constant effort......but it can be done.

It is possible for love to fill me up, and others. I have to love myself and be happy, to feel deserving. Without that, I can't give to anyone else. So that's where I'm focusing.

As for.....

so called Illuminati or Masonic or Reptilian conspiracy theories.....maybe they exist maybe not. But obsess over that and you stay on the bench driving yourself into a frenzy of generalized hate and paranoia...of THEM and how They hold you back. Really the occult is not a secret: the information is out there for anyone wanting to study or learn. There's no excuse for NOT knowing.

But ......

But.


It's hard, but you have to keep filling yourself with love. Let that emanate from you. Whatever path you choose to take, that has to be there....an act of love and compassion. Easier said than done, cause there's a lot of shit out there that you'll be bombarded with, that and bad information. I try--every day I have to combat all this bad stuff. I'm working on getting it away. When I say bad I mean BAD. And it's a struggle. But not impossible.

I don't believe in karma. I don't. Reincarnation, maybe. Did Hitler get away with what he did? Not like I'm the last word.....but I don't know. Maybe he did. These men who tortured people on mere suspicion in the latest war, are they getting punished? According to the Wall St. Journal, no they're not. If they're true sociopaths, they may never suffer if they don't get punished and feel no guilt. And many of them don't. I've encountered a few people like them in my life. And I can say they NEVER feel guilty, the worst of them.

??????

Do they?

These people are a minority, though. Most of us are in a grey area. I'm not pretending to be perfect. I've done stuff I am not proud of. But at least I acknowledge my mistake. You know?

So people do awful shit and get off. In A Clockwork Orange his victims turned on him. But in life, that hasn't happened.

Still, I feel like me being hateful in return isn't a solution. I haven't been TOO badly victimized. I didn't deserve what bad stuff I did get. But more ugliness and negativity....what will that solve?

It's not for me to say what people should do.

I'm not being pessimistic--this is a message of hope! It means we people have power in us....it's up to us to create our OWN karma and justice in THIS life.


.....more on this later......

I am in the mirror
far away there's no one
to fear
and it could have been me
on those occasions
I escaped.....
my vision blurry but
I'm out, again

I hear the breathing
I sometimes can
I don't want to listen

summer new version

gotta boast this is golden! thank you you know who you are even though I don't agree with all your views you somehow shined on this and this song is just cherry! been working on it since april or may....getting there really!!!!!!!! finally





are you trying
to drive me crazy
or is it me maybe
i'm just lazy
it always comes down to me
down to me
will I be free?

have to not
not think
too hard
not think
there you know there's a reason
oh you must know
there must be

the truth hurts
why do you want to hear it
you know the leaves are
turning green turning green
the trees are turning pink
and summer will come oh
will
he's mine and I live for the sun
oh

you know it's you
or me be free
be free
have to be
has to be
help me oh
sorry help me

noise?

this could mean
what is it?
you're the tree I dance around
they know nothing
it's all noise
forgive me
must be meant to be
all mercy what's bright getting brighter

cause you're the noise that
fakes every sound
la la la le la le la

what does it mean
nothing could be everything
what is it now?
you're a fallen star
all around, dust surrounds you
shiny and dull, everywhere


they know nothing la la la le
oh what can I do
la la la la la
what can I do
will I be released
my blood it leaves
everything seeps
fallen star, dust all around me
mercy, fallen will you remember?
can never be through
can you remember?

All

all these things
come your way
I'm burning now





what I needed
is what I thought
falling over me
red silver dust
must be divine
this thing that's mine

hot and cold
water and fire

give me wings again

I'm going out, going out for a night
do I feel fear?
it stabs away at the sides of my head
mirrors that are splintered
it's love, a mask, breathe

could be

it could be me
you know it could be
you know it could
I might be free
this time



and now
what I would wish
the world is mine


every time you know I get
you know I get this way
I get this way
my lovely friend
til the end would I stay til then


oh all is fine
that I would wish
what turns to bliss
all that's shiny pouring down
all this bliss
kissed all around

oh oh oh oh oh oh





this time
it was you
oh oh it was you
all that was tight
gets tighter
all that was light getting lighter


had to sometimes run away
would be better if I stayed?
was bright what was light all my
world goes black to white





it's all mine
all that I would wish and
oh what's this
all this the
world is mine
all all will come back with time
could have been crushed
so easily
all that was heavy
fell over me


and you know what's love
should happen, has to once
couldn't have lost no not all
no not all



oh oh all is fine
oh all this could be mine all that
I would wish
this little bliss what
couldn't be
if it wasn't for me




it's pink it's pouring down
pouring down oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh

getting crazy oh you know getting hazy

narrow escape
fun, fun around the corner
everything gets brighter
as does this street
and I saw you
and I'm free, just had to be
we can be free
just hold on to it
we can be free all of
ours is the world
we're free now
free now
free is love
love is free
it's ours this light
is out tonight
all that's bright, our own star
this world, all that's ours
and we're free

more lyrics....???? name?

you
me
you know we could be
you know we could be

from the same place

from the same place

you know we could be

oh oh get out of here somehow
coming near
nothing left to fear

well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down
not too far

the street was dark
but the light was on
who you running running from

what I meant to say

you know I had to be free

I had to be

what was meant to be

and it's them or me

them or me

them or me

and you know it could be

and you know it could be

more than a little of me

right this way you know it's coming

is it me is it free

and you know what I say but I won't say it

you know I won't say

well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down not too far


the street was dark but
the light was on
who are you running from?

had

and was supposed to meet b--- and asked him if he wanted to come into the dunkin donuts where they have the internet.....as my computer had broken. he said, "I just smoked a joint I can't go into dunkin donuts that's like a total buzzkill....." I don't know how many lines later that am late he drove me home...where I'd just moved in. I brought him in past my roommates, said hello, went downstairs to my room, where he sat staring blankly at the wall. I said I had to shower....be right back down. Showered, guess I took my time....when I went to my room he was gone. I texted him....????? A couple days he got back to me. "When I'm really high....I had a panic attack and couldn't sit there. I can't be around anyone...."

fell asleep in my room had no work for a while.....then at 3:33 am my phone rang. it was b---......can he come by? I needed cash at the time badly.....went upstairs to the living room where I sat and waited....at least he's pretty reliable. He shows up just as my roommate is getting home.....this is jarring anyhow....at the time it was. I went out to meet him and asked him to wait. he started yelling "I am not going to wait here! You pay rent here why do you let your fucking roommates push you around no one tells me what to fucking do..." and was really yelling. I was getting a little scared....plus he was ...I had never seen him drunk before. Somehow...I got into the car with him. He was driving super fast and at one point I thought, I'm going to die....he was screaming....

so I didn't die and we got to Queens. Vodka had a different effect with him than stimulants. He said he got bad vibes from the place I was in. He hated the area I lived in. He said there were too many cops looking to bust people.......



more later.....

more random stuff

rain cold cut my eyelid stupid bike bounced off the stairs against my eyelids just millimeters away from my eyeball and me needing stiches....
my friend said these injuries are badges of honor....
feeling love, but also lonely....frustrated, jealous, trying to let go let go trying.......
cafe i pass on the way to and from home, now late, 3 am or so, mercilessly cold and raining with endless cold drops of water hitting me, my legs, not well protected or covered...only wanting to get out of it...the rain.....this awning banner says her name....it's flapping in the wind...I think is it a sign or am I reading too much into things? There is no place on earth I think more remote, ugly and lonely than Flushing Avenue, in Brooklyn. My friend was nice to give me this bike...one of the few nice things he did for me...well, he made me coffee. A few nice things. I have to try to think of that. Ok, at times. Ok. Other times I was hurt by his behavior but he did this.......
So that's why I don't completely leave....

Out here every bone in my body aches, the cold scratches away at me. I was sick for days afterward. I wore myself out. Finally indoors I am grateful for warmth, shelter.

things, here and there

so i focus on the big unsolvable problems well i won't say unsolvable but big....but it's easy to forget the small things of day to day life. here are some, in mine, along the way.....

sitting in what was cafe figaro with a friend of mine, back in high school. you could still smoke in restaurants then, and me, little tramp! did. i got ashes in some french fries and he said it was vile....

taking acid at sixteen and seeing myself in a rhinestone studded black shirt in the mirror, with my boyfriend at the time. he said, you're so pretty, and look at me. then going through thompkins sq park which was not then what it is now, and the trees suddenly looking like they were going to eat me, or tease me....like in candyland, the game I played with my parents as a kid. someone gave it to me for my birthday...I was like one or something, and whispered to my mom, it's really boring. my mother kind of laughed at that....

playing candyland which WAS really boring, even for a one year old....

then in the park at sisteen, second time i took acid, the same feeling ....reminded me of that game where we moved our pieces on this curly walkway with different color squares around the board.....feeling like I'm on this twisted path here there then I'm gone to the other place.....will I ever get out? and there are bright colors and sugar but I may never get out and I have to get out....get out.....feeling myself sinking into something. I don't recommend lsd.

the first time i did acid at fifteen with my friends yaz and these two guys, staring at his psychadelic painting which was twisting and opening and leaking listening to jimi hendrix and not wanting it to end but knowing it would. talking to my dad on the phone....I"m at Tauno's house.....who????....tauno...he's uh, what's your number? fireworks going off above me. I managed to hide that I was high.....

finding a napkin at my dad's in Chicago with the name "tona"

the first thing I ever bought? i think I was five and bought m and ms from the local store.....

I had the record Saturday Night Fever.

The place we lived in at that age in Ohio....was haunted. I used to see things there. Say it was in my head, but I never in my life saw this stuff anywhere else. Until recently. I saw an alligator head staring at me in my room. I woke up to find myself in a jungle, then three creatures in my room telling me to come with them. I ran out of the room and shut the door. I could hear them. The cats were out in the hall with me. We had a neighbor who was allegedly into Egyptology. I told my mother about this years later, saying I heard stuff in the apartment. She said, I never told you this, but I think the upstairs neighbor was a hooker. I used to hear the bed at night, above us. I said that's not what I meant......

I would try to fly. I would jump off the bed trying to stay in the air. I didn't know why birds could and not us. Of course I always fell back down.

endless dreams of water. And of flying.

recently....going for a job interview at what turned out to be an escort agency, which was on a boat. The scene from Rosemary's Baby came to mind, where the guy was yelling, "Typhoon!" and the black guy tells her she'd better go down below. Then I meet these two guys, one white one black. I'm apparently supposed to fuck them so they can tell clients how good I am. THe black guy says aren't you going to show me your tits or something?

I didn't stay. Nor did I allow myself to be "tested."

When we moved to Evanston, around age seven, I found myself wandering around alone in the main part of town, and went into a little shop where I bought a small gift .....the lady explaining to me what tax is.....

Today, on the train, this Orthodox woman and her three daughters. They intrigued me. We smiled at eachother. The girl in particular....she knew I wasn't feeling ok. That I was bothered about something.

Lake Michigan in winter, in Evanston, where I lived from ages seven to twelve......it was brutally cold but beautiful. The lake would turn to rainbows and reflected silver. We were knee deep in snow, walking to school.

This year, going to under st marks flipping saying to a friend i need to talk to you and tripping over one girls foot who called me a crazy bitch and the willie nelson look alike thinking i meant him....

an Indian restaurant which I've gone to for the last ten years or so...where you can get chai tea for $1,

A purple sparkly bag I bought for my mother's birthday present today..........

being up at night and asleep during the day.....where I feel a constant urge to collapse.....

going to donate blood and being told I'm anemic and need iron.

A French restaurant where I went with my mother and sister and Sonny where we got steak frites....yeah I feel guilty eating meat but that's the problem with Eurpean food it's not vegetarian.....

check out this link

http://www.luciferianwitchcraft.com/dolls.htm


The waning moon is here the time for dark magick....left hand path.....

I am not a satanist or necessarily left hand path magician but as a creative person and someone who's dealt with many a dark side of life and E-V-O-L let it be said I relate...this saves, this purifies.

To die over broken heart, to end your own life. I would slit my wrists in the bath tub, in a hotel in Paris. If I were going to end it, which I'm not. But what better way to go?

Sylvia Plath gassed herself, but I don't understand....why put yourself through such a horrible thng? That must be excruciating.....

My friend who's a doctor said wrist slitting doesn't work, because before you bleed to death you clot and the blood stops. She said the way to do it is to go for the throat. But a woman's nature is to always be beautiful, even in death.....I suppose that's why women don't shoot themselves.

That and poetic.

must be

ours is the map of the world
we have only to jump over
mine is here
all my heart
is dripping blue, bleeding red
by this hand I'll be led
be led
this light could be string
without you it's nothing

all this could mean nothing
you're the brightest flower
tree that I dance around
they know nothing
it's just noise
forgive me
forgive
mercy
meant to be
mercy

escape

narrow escape I
wanna have some fun IV
didn't know if I would IV
didn't know IV
the door opened ii
a light, so bright iii
narrow escape
free free

all will

all will drive you mad if you let it
I was dragged apart
could have been
could have
I get crazy dramatic
imagine my death in Paris
when the world you win isn't enough
let it come your way
has to has to
fall over me fall over me
what other way

what better way
so I thought
I thought I needed this
I thought
love love falling over me
what I need
love love falling over me

woman in love, in hell and heaven both
hot and cold
alone, and still breathing
still dancing
I dance I live
not the first not the last

freed freed again

more on this

a part of me says....certain aspects of all religions have worked for me and others haven't. so once again i find myself having to start from scratch.

i'm not religious. i'm not spiritual, even. i've spent enough years in therapy.....once again some things worked and some didn't, there.

on reincarnation: keep in mind this is just my opinion. I think most people's past life regressions are psychological and related to their past in this life. I think so much of it is beating oneself up. I won't say I don't believe in it. But there you are.

I had one incident when I was in London, of deja vu. Really strong, in this one neighborhood I was in. I just felt like I'd been there before. It could mean anything. Maybe it's a film or picture I saw. Or I was really there.

This one woman I know said she visited cities where she knew the streets and her way around. In a place she'd never been before.

It's hard to say. I feel like we have one shot at it and this is it. There is good and bad out there. Then again, that's me and how I feel now. I won't go into all of this....but there's a start.

on what i wrote...

so I've been doing a great deal of yoga and meditation and started studying the occult and gnosticism....

i've been learning the importance of breathing and yeah that's changing everything for me.

it's cheesy...but I've learned self love is the important thing, and to forgive....let others have their freedom, and to be humble. it's easier said than done.

my yoga is intuitive and personal. i've read books and heard others' philosophy....no time to go into this here, but some worked for me and other stuff was counter productive. some was disastrous. i had to work my way out of that. i don't believe you have to follow any religious doctrine. you don't have to "believe" anything. i've learned to listen to my own thoughts. that can be lonely. you realize you're a trail blazer, and it's up to you. it's hard being the first. but i am. that's my life story.

i started dancing in the park. i got great results and have met many people in ways i never would have otherwise. slowly, it brought work my way. i still need more money. there's been good and bad. i've struggled with a lot. it's not over.

i'm thankful for the help i've gotten along the way. i'm learning to trust you just have to take risks.
i'm working on it.

beware girls with curly hair.....WANTED NOT WANTED

apparently I'm banned from every bar on 14th street and coyote ugly....for spending too much time in the bathroom. I did my stretching exercises in one and .......now I can't get in. Ironically, the one bar where I am still allowed I did more than that ......more like the tango with two spanish guys.....so go figure......

they should be thanking me and girls like me. Feminism aside, men come there to meet us and buy us drinks and we bring in business. And I have bought drinks from these places. So I'm not proud to admit this but at crocodile lounge i found a ticket on the floor for a pizza and used it to get one.....yeah I guess I'm a sleaze.

other places to do you know what: creative?

the bushes in the stuy town buildings
the stairwell in the projects
the weeds next to the BQE
behind the gates in the subway
the dressing room at the Gap (that's my favorite)
the bathroom at Au Bon Pain
parking lot in the projects


not that I'm recommending this

so while "love evol" is spiraling and snapping into craziness upon fucked up ness at least.....I mean they must think I'm hot.....and I don't know what to do in this situation and I've been meditating on it a lot. In my other days I would have ......I can't take this and I can't leave it.

So I've let a lot go. I was really mortified and humiliated about the bar situation, but it's just not worth getting worked up over it. I met other people, other places.

It's lonely sometimes and I wish.....

so....

have been going through a lot. I've been taking bikram yoga classes which are exhausting but changing everything, slowly, for me. Relationships are in me, also. All is. There's been a great deal out there that is .....well......

I'm changing my inner/outer attitude. It's nothing new.

new words....

take my heart
it's yours
the world
take all my love
don't lose
don't lie

this gift of mine
it's yours
it's the world's
it's yours
take this of mine
let it be forever
it's yours
all yours

essex st, cont'd

so I know a lot of people have been waiting for the next in this sequence:

so.....where did I leave off?

I'm out the door. The street. Freedom. I didn't die. I'm out in the world. In safety. I had watched relentlessly the documentary on Joel Rifkin and ......you just never know. You take every precaution, and absolutely this job is not for the reckless, self destructive or anyone carrying religious or sexual hang ups from childhood. But no matter how smart or careful you are there's always a chance of anything, life carries no guarantees. But you have to take risks once in a while.

I'm a little disoriented.....so......where do I go? There's a bar next door. Why do I choose to go right there where I can be found.....and not just get the fuck out of there? Well, what can he do anyhow?


I think I'm in this place, a nice enough one, clean and airy. I step out, for some reason, and this guy's building is right next door. I look up at the window, why not sure. Look down. Down again. There are two used condoms .......different colors?on the ground. I jump back. It couldn't be.....did he throw those out the window? I had had vodka and OJ there which to his credit he was nice enough to give me. I had blow on me, an extravagance, you know, I shouldn't but I have my excuses.

So....this place has two floors. I head upstairs. Order a drink....wine? I have to have something. A guy approaches me, a frat type. He seems pretty decent, and we start a conversation. I wonder if I should.....but something in me doesn't or won't. We end up talking for half an hour or so......
he invites me to his place with some friends of his. We go downstairs......ugh....is this boring? Oh...so on and on......I'm getting back into life, my adrenaline back down. All is sort of normal, again. As this guy and I get downstairs, in the crowd, I see him, from upstairs. He came back. He's coming toward me. "I knew I'd find you here...." "Is this....someone you know or just some weirdo...." asks my friend. "He's um, I met him before...." I say.

So....now I'm feeling the effects of what I had. Somehow I have to get on the train and go back home.....this is the hazard of living in brooklyn, dealing with the L train and the G. It became a city by itself, in the winter, with hordes of people sitting there waiting, and the guitar player I would always see. I knew him from a play he'd been in.


TBC.....



freedom = mercy = freedom = mercy = freedom =

mercy freedom

and summer will come......

coming back, has to.......

and with it the sun.....

A dream last night. Me, ---- and a woman. She is in the shape of these Egyptian statues, sitting upright, her profile. We're by a lake, night time. There's a boat, she's sitting on it. He says, there's only room for two people, you can go across the river with her. I look over....she's dead. I wake up.

essex st, cont'd

we are in his apt....a decent enough place....what did he say he did? "That's me and Caroline Kennedy," he says pointing at a picture on the wall of her, many years ago, with a man who may have been him 35 years ago. Currently he....how can I be kind? I ....his face reminds me of a Picasso painting, split in half. "I used to screw her," he says. My mother met her, as well. I'm thinking how ironic it is, how few degrees of separation are between three or four people.



On and on. "I cum...I cum....uh....I gonna cum......" he must have drunk an entire bottle of vodka. "I gonna cum...." it's getting harder and harder to be civil.

Ok, this isn't nice......I finally jumped up, threw on my panties and clothes....I don't remember what I said....."Sorry but I have to go....." I'm thinking he could attack me too. There's the door, I'm thinking. Run.

And I do. I get to the door, open it, and get out. Step number one. Down the stairs. It must be....six flights? An endless spiral down, down, it doesn't end. I look up to see if he's behind me. No. I'm getting out, I think. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. The stairs go on forever, it seems.

Then there's the door. I run to the door, open it, and there's the street. Freedom. I was lucky with this one.

I go into a bar....what am I doing? I need a drink or something.

essex st continued

excuse that this is a rough draft.....

so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?

No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....


so.....digressing.

FICTION FICTION

I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.

I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.


ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.

what i want?

Someone asked me my "goals." Yes I do have them. I don't just float around la de da....


what i want

movie roles : work with Quentin Tarantino, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorcese, there is a multitude of great directors but .....

commercials

better paying gigs

better love life where we see eachother at least once or twice a week, are loyal no bs no third parties or head trips, are loving, honest, mutually giving

finish songs and have a demo, then recording contract

better dance technique

more dance performances around the city with backup dancers,

better singer, be a



travel to colombia (really all of Central and South America), *LA*, france, berlin, for starters

to drive, get a car

speak better French, German, Spanish

more money more money catch up on debts, totalling a few grand

finish tax stuff

health insurance......mail, letter, ect ect

better headshots

role in a shakespeare play

dance, acting classes

get rid of old emotional garbage (God knows i try)

better face cream

renew gym membership

be better read: Love in the Time of Cholera; Shakespeare....Othello, Twelfth Night; try to get through Being and Nothingness, Henry Miller

write? hmm.....script, memoir or beginnings of....

to find out what's going on, as something is. and what the hell is it?



THAT yeah, I know, have to get to the bottom of that....

The top rune represents a force that works for you. Gebo means gift, and like any gifts, the rune may be understood on many levels. Gifts are generally positive things, for both the giver and the recipient. In many cultures however, gifts and favors carry with them an obligation to respond in kind. It is for this reason that gifts, and hence the rune Gebo, are frequently symbolic of friendships, marriages, alliances, mergers, and other bonds between people or organizations. Gebo is a strong rune and the unions represented are strong as well. Moreover, Gebo is not reversible, as true friendships are not easily undone.

fiction.....essex st or ludlow?

late late.....please. I pray. In the bathroom stall at one of these bars.....outside in the bar stools....some frat boys, couples. not me. I need to make money. I pray. This must work. I know this works. I need money. Let me meet someone. I can't go into all of this.....
I go out, I'm in a skimpy little exercise outfit, and yes I see the looks in their eyes. I'm a whore to them. To them. They don't know me. They'll never know me. And that is sad.
no....no I don't pick up guys on the street. I know nothing about that. God knows i'm not a streetwalker. But should I be? I'm doing something wrong. There must be......there must be..... What am I doing wrong? I'm still pretty. I'm great. Where's the money? If I do descend .......if I did....I'd be lying by a pool somewhere in Switzerland.....waited on hand and foot. Or if I'd stayed there, the same. I'd have a guy who's young, cute AND rich. Who worships my baby pinkie. I should tell ---- that. This is what I gave up....well I didn't entirely. But I'm not there, I'm here. Somewhere I made that choice. I'd live well otherwise....and die of boredom. So I choose to stay on the LES poor. But I don't have to be. Right? Did I make the right choice?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What can I be more than sorry?
But thank you also. To whoever, whatever . Thank you. That I'm still here, that the girl next to me stopped cracking her knuckles, that.....

Most people don't know me. But I'll let you in on a piece of myself, that I never have before. I've learned to forgive. And I mean a lot. Or maybe there's nothing to be vexed about the way I had thought. Really I've been blessed. In so many ways. It just never felt that way. What you send out to the world is what comes back. I didn't think that way before but now I do. So, cheesy as it may sound, I try to send good out to the world. I never intended to do otherwise, but I did. Have I done stupid things? A multitude. But when things were great I didn't know they were. So now I should.
So if I'm a whore to them, then...... hell, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Really, they're jealous, of my, of others' sexual power. So let me use that as well.

The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand.

The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.

ha! they know what they're talking about

I quote from Magi Astrology:

[URANUS OPPOSITION YOUR CHIRON]
Activation: ROM/R= -120. SEX/R= +50. CMPT/R= -150. INFIDELITY CLASH. This clash can be a problem if you are contemplating a serious relationship with this person. When a couple has this Clash, the chances of infidelity are increased because of the adventurous and independent nature of Uranus. You should also beware of having even just an affair with this person. If you are married or committed, but are looking for a fling, this person is not the one. This Clash often gives this person both the ability and the desire to bring turmoil into whatever other relationship you already have.


It's vice versa two with us....both ways

Fort Greene in the news....

This neighborhood doesn't get its due, but now the Times wrote up the Farmer Deli....


I'm telling you this is no exaggeration.....

so.....open mic in bushwick and sexual harassment

this neighborhood is......less than fabulous, to be honest. but this open mic at the bookstore something is amazing! this is absolutement for me. I can feel better about my singing/songwriting cause there are others here at my level. I will write more on this when I have time to meditate but I am so happy to have found my element in this scene. I am love. An art star? I don't label myself. I am just me. But this is my crowd. Kind of frightening....to have that shown to you!

So this was supposed to be songs based on a book you read. Naturally I modeled my song after Sylvia Plath's Ariel book. But I wrote this before I'd heard of this event. Foreshadowing? Sylvia Plath is awesome and I'm not even into poetry. I would have fucked her and I'm not even into women.....that's how fabulous she is!!!!

the

rival

there's you there's me
we could be both
from the same mirror
there's nothing to fear

you are the one I have to face
I can't be erased no no
was I too late
was it my fate

does the moon pull me
am I like jello, like the sea
can I be set free
do I want to be


I'm the other
the thing on the side
when will it be mine
will I live, will I still live


the sea pulls me
the moon owns me
I am in the mirror
far away there's
no one to fear

did they trick me
can I be set free
do I want to be


everything is split in half
this cracked egg is all I have
when there's no one around
you make a display
can anyone see it?

the moon is pulling me
it never really owned me
you made me your enemy once
if that's the way you want to go
could this be what you know


where are they
who are they with
I shouldn't worry
I'm in no hurry me or them
me or them

spying?

just when i think i'm alone
there you are
i'm far from home

you think you can escape
think again
maybe you're my friend
maybe i'm beautiful
will there be an end?
will there be an end?


i know you're going away
ready to play

can you be free
is there no escape?

difficult bitch

i'm a difficult bitch
don't get in my way
i'm a lying witch
so don't get in my way
i've had a bad day

i had to try
to get it back
had to try
had to try

i'm a crazy bitch that's what they say
yeah that's what they say
then i get lazy
then they want to play

then i get lazy
i'm a crazy bitch
a crazy bitch

then i get them
then i don't want them
if i get him
will i still want him

i'm in the mood
so don't fuck with me
just let me be
can't you see i'm feeling crazy lazy.....

the past week?

oh.....extreme ups and downs. Pretty accurately what was predicted. Where do I even begin? Why did all this happen? I wish I knew.

I somehow ended up doing a photo shoot with these guys I had met on the street.....I know what you're thinking. I don't do this normally. But ....we bonded. There had been girls there as well. Somehow I ended up dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Semi dressed. Really would like to find those pix.

can be

this way
going going back that way
here to stay
in every way
la la la


you know it would be
you know if would be


what is my wish
what is my wish

oooooh

so much is going on things are crazy stressful and.....

I want to write more but have been up 36 hours but am wired now I just want to unwind and not think about anything!

I went to a Bhuddist temple for the first time yesterday. It is beautiful...not that different from a church. Except they use the oranges and do the bowing thing with the incense....awesome. My fortune was good. I need it. I deserve it. And I must sleepy sleepy, for now.