it could be me
you know it could be
you know it could
I might be free
this time
and now
what I would wish
the world is mine
every time you know I get
you know I get this way
I get this way
my lovely friend
til the end would I stay til then
oh all is fine
that I would wish
what turns to bliss
all that's shiny pouring down
all this bliss
kissed all around
oh oh oh oh oh oh
this time
it was you
oh oh it was you
all that was tight
gets tighter
all that was light getting lighter
had to sometimes run away
would be better if I stayed?
was bright what was light all my
world goes black to white
it's all mine
all that I would wish and
oh what's this
all this the
world is mine
all all will come back with time
could have been crushed
so easily
all that was heavy
fell over me
and you know what's love
should happen, has to once
couldn't have lost no not all
no not all
oh oh all is fine
oh all this could be mine all that
I would wish
this little bliss what
couldn't be
if it wasn't for me
it's pink it's pouring down
pouring down oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh
getting crazy oh you know getting hazy
Monday, September 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
narrow escape
fun, fun around the corner
everything gets brighter
as does this street
and I saw you
and I'm free, just had to be
we can be free
just hold on to it
we can be free all of
ours is the world
we're free now
free now
free is love
love is free
it's ours this light
is out tonight
all that's bright, our own star
this world, all that's ours
and we're free
fun, fun around the corner
everything gets brighter
as does this street
and I saw you
and I'm free, just had to be
we can be free
just hold on to it
we can be free all of
ours is the world
we're free now
free now
free is love
love is free
it's ours this light
is out tonight
all that's bright, our own star
this world, all that's ours
and we're free
Saturday, September 19, 2009
more lyrics....???? name?
you
me
you know we could be
you know we could be
well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down not too far
the street was dark but
the light was on
who are you running from?
me
you know we could be
you know we could be
from the same place
from the same place
you know we could be
oh oh get out of here somehow
coming near
nothing left to fear
well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down
not too far
the street was dark
but the light was on
who you running running from
oh oh get out of here somehow
coming near
nothing left to fear
well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down
not too far
the street was dark
but the light was on
who you running running from
what I meant to say
you know I had to be free
I had to be
what was meant to be
and it's them or me
them or me
them or me
and you know it could be
and you know it could be
more than a little of me
right this way you know it's coming
is it me is it free
and you know what I say but I won't say it
you know I won't say
well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down not too far
the street was dark but
the light was on
who are you running from?
had
and was supposed to meet b--- and asked him if he wanted to come into the dunkin donuts where they have the internet.....as my computer had broken. he said, "I just smoked a joint I can't go into dunkin donuts that's like a total buzzkill....." I don't know how many lines later that am late he drove me home...where I'd just moved in. I brought him in past my roommates, said hello, went downstairs to my room, where he sat staring blankly at the wall. I said I had to shower....be right back down. Showered, guess I took my time....when I went to my room he was gone. I texted him....????? A couple days he got back to me. "When I'm really high....I had a panic attack and couldn't sit there. I can't be around anyone...."
fell asleep in my room had no work for a while.....then at 3:33 am my phone rang. it was b---......can he come by? I needed cash at the time badly.....went upstairs to the living room where I sat and waited....at least he's pretty reliable. He shows up just as my roommate is getting home.....this is jarring anyhow....at the time it was. I went out to meet him and asked him to wait. he started yelling "I am not going to wait here! You pay rent here why do you let your fucking roommates push you around no one tells me what to fucking do..." and was really yelling. I was getting a little scared....plus he was ...I had never seen him drunk before. Somehow...I got into the car with him. He was driving super fast and at one point I thought, I'm going to die....he was screaming....
so I didn't die and we got to Queens. Vodka had a different effect with him than stimulants. He said he got bad vibes from the place I was in. He hated the area I lived in. He said there were too many cops looking to bust people.......
more later.....
fell asleep in my room had no work for a while.....then at 3:33 am my phone rang. it was b---......can he come by? I needed cash at the time badly.....went upstairs to the living room where I sat and waited....at least he's pretty reliable. He shows up just as my roommate is getting home.....this is jarring anyhow....at the time it was. I went out to meet him and asked him to wait. he started yelling "I am not going to wait here! You pay rent here why do you let your fucking roommates push you around no one tells me what to fucking do..." and was really yelling. I was getting a little scared....plus he was ...I had never seen him drunk before. Somehow...I got into the car with him. He was driving super fast and at one point I thought, I'm going to die....he was screaming....
so I didn't die and we got to Queens. Vodka had a different effect with him than stimulants. He said he got bad vibes from the place I was in. He hated the area I lived in. He said there were too many cops looking to bust people.......
more later.....
Monday, September 14, 2009
more random stuff
rain cold cut my eyelid stupid bike bounced off the stairs against my eyelids just millimeters away from my eyeball and me needing stiches....
my friend said these injuries are badges of honor....
feeling love, but also lonely....frustrated, jealous, trying to let go let go trying.......
cafe i pass on the way to and from home, now late, 3 am or so, mercilessly cold and raining with endless cold drops of water hitting me, my legs, not well protected or covered...only wanting to get out of it...the rain.....this awning banner says her name....it's flapping in the wind...I think is it a sign or am I reading too much into things? There is no place on earth I think more remote, ugly and lonely than Flushing Avenue, in Brooklyn. My friend was nice to give me this bike...one of the few nice things he did for me...well, he made me coffee. A few nice things. I have to try to think of that. Ok, at times. Ok. Other times I was hurt by his behavior but he did this.......
So that's why I don't completely leave....
Out here every bone in my body aches, the cold scratches away at me. I was sick for days afterward. I wore myself out. Finally indoors I am grateful for warmth, shelter.
my friend said these injuries are badges of honor....
feeling love, but also lonely....frustrated, jealous, trying to let go let go trying.......
cafe i pass on the way to and from home, now late, 3 am or so, mercilessly cold and raining with endless cold drops of water hitting me, my legs, not well protected or covered...only wanting to get out of it...the rain.....this awning banner says her name....it's flapping in the wind...I think is it a sign or am I reading too much into things? There is no place on earth I think more remote, ugly and lonely than Flushing Avenue, in Brooklyn. My friend was nice to give me this bike...one of the few nice things he did for me...well, he made me coffee. A few nice things. I have to try to think of that. Ok, at times. Ok. Other times I was hurt by his behavior but he did this.......
So that's why I don't completely leave....
Out here every bone in my body aches, the cold scratches away at me. I was sick for days afterward. I wore myself out. Finally indoors I am grateful for warmth, shelter.
things, here and there
so i focus on the big unsolvable problems well i won't say unsolvable but big....but it's easy to forget the small things of day to day life. here are some, in mine, along the way.....
sitting in what was cafe figaro with a friend of mine, back in high school. you could still smoke in restaurants then, and me, little tramp! did. i got ashes in some french fries and he said it was vile....
taking acid at sixteen and seeing myself in a rhinestone studded black shirt in the mirror, with my boyfriend at the time. he said, you're so pretty, and look at me. then going through thompkins sq park which was not then what it is now, and the trees suddenly looking like they were going to eat me, or tease me....like in candyland, the game I played with my parents as a kid. someone gave it to me for my birthday...I was like one or something, and whispered to my mom, it's really boring. my mother kind of laughed at that....
playing candyland which WAS really boring, even for a one year old....
then in the park at sisteen, second time i took acid, the same feeling ....reminded me of that game where we moved our pieces on this curly walkway with different color squares around the board.....feeling like I'm on this twisted path here there then I'm gone to the other place.....will I ever get out? and there are bright colors and sugar but I may never get out and I have to get out....get out.....feeling myself sinking into something. I don't recommend lsd.
the first time i did acid at fifteen with my friends yaz and these two guys, staring at his psychadelic painting which was twisting and opening and leaking listening to jimi hendrix and not wanting it to end but knowing it would. talking to my dad on the phone....I"m at Tauno's house.....who????....tauno...he's uh, what's your number? fireworks going off above me. I managed to hide that I was high.....
finding a napkin at my dad's in Chicago with the name "tona"
the first thing I ever bought? i think I was five and bought m and ms from the local store.....
I had the record Saturday Night Fever.
The place we lived in at that age in Ohio....was haunted. I used to see things there. Say it was in my head, but I never in my life saw this stuff anywhere else. Until recently. I saw an alligator head staring at me in my room. I woke up to find myself in a jungle, then three creatures in my room telling me to come with them. I ran out of the room and shut the door. I could hear them. The cats were out in the hall with me. We had a neighbor who was allegedly into Egyptology. I told my mother about this years later, saying I heard stuff in the apartment. She said, I never told you this, but I think the upstairs neighbor was a hooker. I used to hear the bed at night, above us. I said that's not what I meant......
I would try to fly. I would jump off the bed trying to stay in the air. I didn't know why birds could and not us. Of course I always fell back down.
endless dreams of water. And of flying.
recently....going for a job interview at what turned out to be an escort agency, which was on a boat. The scene from Rosemary's Baby came to mind, where the guy was yelling, "Typhoon!" and the black guy tells her she'd better go down below. Then I meet these two guys, one white one black. I'm apparently supposed to fuck them so they can tell clients how good I am. THe black guy says aren't you going to show me your tits or something?
I didn't stay. Nor did I allow myself to be "tested."
When we moved to Evanston, around age seven, I found myself wandering around alone in the main part of town, and went into a little shop where I bought a small gift .....the lady explaining to me what tax is.....
Today, on the train, this Orthodox woman and her three daughters. They intrigued me. We smiled at eachother. The girl in particular....she knew I wasn't feeling ok. That I was bothered about something.
Lake Michigan in winter, in Evanston, where I lived from ages seven to twelve......it was brutally cold but beautiful. The lake would turn to rainbows and reflected silver. We were knee deep in snow, walking to school.
sitting in what was cafe figaro with a friend of mine, back in high school. you could still smoke in restaurants then, and me, little tramp! did. i got ashes in some french fries and he said it was vile....
taking acid at sixteen and seeing myself in a rhinestone studded black shirt in the mirror, with my boyfriend at the time. he said, you're so pretty, and look at me. then going through thompkins sq park which was not then what it is now, and the trees suddenly looking like they were going to eat me, or tease me....like in candyland, the game I played with my parents as a kid. someone gave it to me for my birthday...I was like one or something, and whispered to my mom, it's really boring. my mother kind of laughed at that....
playing candyland which WAS really boring, even for a one year old....
then in the park at sisteen, second time i took acid, the same feeling ....reminded me of that game where we moved our pieces on this curly walkway with different color squares around the board.....feeling like I'm on this twisted path here there then I'm gone to the other place.....will I ever get out? and there are bright colors and sugar but I may never get out and I have to get out....get out.....feeling myself sinking into something. I don't recommend lsd.
the first time i did acid at fifteen with my friends yaz and these two guys, staring at his psychadelic painting which was twisting and opening and leaking listening to jimi hendrix and not wanting it to end but knowing it would. talking to my dad on the phone....I"m at Tauno's house.....who????....tauno...he's uh, what's your number? fireworks going off above me. I managed to hide that I was high.....
finding a napkin at my dad's in Chicago with the name "tona"
the first thing I ever bought? i think I was five and bought m and ms from the local store.....
I had the record Saturday Night Fever.
The place we lived in at that age in Ohio....was haunted. I used to see things there. Say it was in my head, but I never in my life saw this stuff anywhere else. Until recently. I saw an alligator head staring at me in my room. I woke up to find myself in a jungle, then three creatures in my room telling me to come with them. I ran out of the room and shut the door. I could hear them. The cats were out in the hall with me. We had a neighbor who was allegedly into Egyptology. I told my mother about this years later, saying I heard stuff in the apartment. She said, I never told you this, but I think the upstairs neighbor was a hooker. I used to hear the bed at night, above us. I said that's not what I meant......
I would try to fly. I would jump off the bed trying to stay in the air. I didn't know why birds could and not us. Of course I always fell back down.
endless dreams of water. And of flying.
recently....going for a job interview at what turned out to be an escort agency, which was on a boat. The scene from Rosemary's Baby came to mind, where the guy was yelling, "Typhoon!" and the black guy tells her she'd better go down below. Then I meet these two guys, one white one black. I'm apparently supposed to fuck them so they can tell clients how good I am. THe black guy says aren't you going to show me your tits or something?
I didn't stay. Nor did I allow myself to be "tested."
When we moved to Evanston, around age seven, I found myself wandering around alone in the main part of town, and went into a little shop where I bought a small gift .....the lady explaining to me what tax is.....
Today, on the train, this Orthodox woman and her three daughters. They intrigued me. We smiled at eachother. The girl in particular....she knew I wasn't feeling ok. That I was bothered about something.
Lake Michigan in winter, in Evanston, where I lived from ages seven to twelve......it was brutally cold but beautiful. The lake would turn to rainbows and reflected silver. We were knee deep in snow, walking to school.
This year, going to under st marks flipping saying to a friend i need to talk to you and tripping over one girls foot who called me a crazy bitch and the willie nelson look alike thinking i meant him....
an Indian restaurant which I've gone to for the last ten years or so...where you can get chai tea for $1,
A purple sparkly bag I bought for my mother's birthday present today..........
being up at night and asleep during the day.....where I feel a constant urge to collapse.....
going to donate blood and being told I'm anemic and need iron.
A French restaurant where I went with my mother and sister and Sonny where we got steak frites....yeah I feel guilty eating meat but that's the problem with Eurpean food it's not vegetarian.....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
check out this link
http://www.luciferianwitchcraft.com/dolls.htm
The waning moon is here the time for dark magick....left hand path.....
I am not a satanist or necessarily left hand path magician but as a creative person and someone who's dealt with many a dark side of life and E-V-O-L let it be said I relate...this saves, this purifies.
To die over broken heart, to end your own life. I would slit my wrists in the bath tub, in a hotel in Paris. If I were going to end it, which I'm not. But what better way to go?
Sylvia Plath gassed herself, but I don't understand....why put yourself through such a horrible thng? That must be excruciating.....
My friend who's a doctor said wrist slitting doesn't work, because before you bleed to death you clot and the blood stops. She said the way to do it is to go for the throat. But a woman's nature is to always be beautiful, even in death.....I suppose that's why women don't shoot themselves.
That and poetic.
The waning moon is here the time for dark magick....left hand path.....
I am not a satanist or necessarily left hand path magician but as a creative person and someone who's dealt with many a dark side of life and E-V-O-L let it be said I relate...this saves, this purifies.
To die over broken heart, to end your own life. I would slit my wrists in the bath tub, in a hotel in Paris. If I were going to end it, which I'm not. But what better way to go?
Sylvia Plath gassed herself, but I don't understand....why put yourself through such a horrible thng? That must be excruciating.....
My friend who's a doctor said wrist slitting doesn't work, because before you bleed to death you clot and the blood stops. She said the way to do it is to go for the throat. But a woman's nature is to always be beautiful, even in death.....I suppose that's why women don't shoot themselves.
That and poetic.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
must be
ours is the map of the world
we have only to jump over
mine is here
all my heart
is dripping blue, bleeding red
by this hand I'll be led
be led
this light could be string
without you it's nothing
we have only to jump over
mine is here
all my heart
is dripping blue, bleeding red
by this hand I'll be led
be led
this light could be string
without you it's nothing
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
escape
narrow escape I
wanna have some fun IV
didn't know if I would IV
didn't know IV
the door opened ii
a light, so bright iii
narrow escape
free free
wanna have some fun IV
didn't know if I would IV
didn't know IV
the door opened ii
a light, so bright iii
narrow escape
free free
all will
all will drive you mad if you let it
I was dragged apart
could have been
could have
I get crazy dramatic
imagine my death in Paris
when the world you win isn't enough
let it come your way
has to has to
fall over me fall over me
what other way
what better way
so I thought
I thought I needed this
I thought
love love falling over me
what I need
love love falling over me
woman in love, in hell and heaven both
hot and cold
alone, and still breathing
still dancing
I dance I live
not the first not the last
freed freed again
I was dragged apart
could have been
could have
I get crazy dramatic
imagine my death in Paris
when the world you win isn't enough
let it come your way
has to has to
fall over me fall over me
what other way
what better way
so I thought
I thought I needed this
I thought
love love falling over me
what I need
love love falling over me
woman in love, in hell and heaven both
hot and cold
alone, and still breathing
still dancing
I dance I live
not the first not the last
freed freed again
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
a part of me says....certain aspects of all religions have worked for me and others haven't. so once again i find myself having to start from scratch.
i'm not religious. i'm not spiritual, even. i've spent enough years in therapy.....once again some things worked and some didn't, there.
on reincarnation: keep in mind this is just my opinion. I think most people's past life regressions are psychological and related to their past in this life. I think so much of it is beating oneself up. I won't say I don't believe in it. But there you are.
I had one incident when I was in London, of deja vu. Really strong, in this one neighborhood I was in. I just felt like I'd been there before. It could mean anything. Maybe it's a film or picture I saw. Or I was really there.
This one woman I know said she visited cities where she knew the streets and her way around. In a place she'd never been before.
It's hard to say. I feel like we have one shot at it and this is it. There is good and bad out there. Then again, that's me and how I feel now. I won't go into all of this....but there's a start.
i'm not religious. i'm not spiritual, even. i've spent enough years in therapy.....once again some things worked and some didn't, there.
on reincarnation: keep in mind this is just my opinion. I think most people's past life regressions are psychological and related to their past in this life. I think so much of it is beating oneself up. I won't say I don't believe in it. But there you are.
I had one incident when I was in London, of deja vu. Really strong, in this one neighborhood I was in. I just felt like I'd been there before. It could mean anything. Maybe it's a film or picture I saw. Or I was really there.
This one woman I know said she visited cities where she knew the streets and her way around. In a place she'd never been before.
It's hard to say. I feel like we have one shot at it and this is it. There is good and bad out there. Then again, that's me and how I feel now. I won't go into all of this....but there's a start.
on what i wrote...
so I've been doing a great deal of yoga and meditation and started studying the occult and gnosticism....
i've been learning the importance of breathing and yeah that's changing everything for me.
it's cheesy...but I've learned self love is the important thing, and to forgive....let others have their freedom, and to be humble. it's easier said than done.
my yoga is intuitive and personal. i've read books and heard others' philosophy....no time to go into this here, but some worked for me and other stuff was counter productive. some was disastrous. i had to work my way out of that. i don't believe you have to follow any religious doctrine. you don't have to "believe" anything. i've learned to listen to my own thoughts. that can be lonely. you realize you're a trail blazer, and it's up to you. it's hard being the first. but i am. that's my life story.
i started dancing in the park. i got great results and have met many people in ways i never would have otherwise. slowly, it brought work my way. i still need more money. there's been good and bad. i've struggled with a lot. it's not over.
i'm thankful for the help i've gotten along the way. i'm learning to trust you just have to take risks.
i'm working on it.
i've been learning the importance of breathing and yeah that's changing everything for me.
it's cheesy...but I've learned self love is the important thing, and to forgive....let others have their freedom, and to be humble. it's easier said than done.
my yoga is intuitive and personal. i've read books and heard others' philosophy....no time to go into this here, but some worked for me and other stuff was counter productive. some was disastrous. i had to work my way out of that. i don't believe you have to follow any religious doctrine. you don't have to "believe" anything. i've learned to listen to my own thoughts. that can be lonely. you realize you're a trail blazer, and it's up to you. it's hard being the first. but i am. that's my life story.
i started dancing in the park. i got great results and have met many people in ways i never would have otherwise. slowly, it brought work my way. i still need more money. there's been good and bad. i've struggled with a lot. it's not over.
i'm thankful for the help i've gotten along the way. i'm learning to trust you just have to take risks.
i'm working on it.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
beware girls with curly hair.....WANTED NOT WANTED
apparently I'm banned from every bar on 14th street and coyote ugly....for spending too much time in the bathroom. I did my stretching exercises in one and .......now I can't get in. Ironically, the one bar where I am still allowed I did more than that ......more like the tango with two spanish guys.....so go figure......
they should be thanking me and girls like me. Feminism aside, men come there to meet us and buy us drinks and we bring in business. And I have bought drinks from these places. So I'm not proud to admit this but at crocodile lounge i found a ticket on the floor for a pizza and used it to get one.....yeah I guess I'm a sleaze.
other places to do you know what: creative?
the bushes in the stuy town buildings
the stairwell in the projects
the weeds next to the BQE
behind the gates in the subway
the dressing room at the Gap (that's my favorite)
the bathroom at Au Bon Pain
parking lot in the projects
not that I'm recommending this
so while "love evol" is spiraling and snapping into craziness upon fucked up ness at least.....I mean they must think I'm hot.....and I don't know what to do in this situation and I've been meditating on it a lot. In my other days I would have ......I can't take this and I can't leave it.
So I've let a lot go. I was really mortified and humiliated about the bar situation, but it's just not worth getting worked up over it. I met other people, other places.
It's lonely sometimes and I wish.....
they should be thanking me and girls like me. Feminism aside, men come there to meet us and buy us drinks and we bring in business. And I have bought drinks from these places. So I'm not proud to admit this but at crocodile lounge i found a ticket on the floor for a pizza and used it to get one.....yeah I guess I'm a sleaze.
other places to do you know what: creative?
the bushes in the stuy town buildings
the stairwell in the projects
the weeds next to the BQE
behind the gates in the subway
the dressing room at the Gap (that's my favorite)
the bathroom at Au Bon Pain
parking lot in the projects
not that I'm recommending this
so while "love evol" is spiraling and snapping into craziness upon fucked up ness at least.....I mean they must think I'm hot.....and I don't know what to do in this situation and I've been meditating on it a lot. In my other days I would have ......I can't take this and I can't leave it.
So I've let a lot go. I was really mortified and humiliated about the bar situation, but it's just not worth getting worked up over it. I met other people, other places.
It's lonely sometimes and I wish.....
Thursday, August 27, 2009
so....
have been going through a lot. I've been taking bikram yoga classes which are exhausting but changing everything, slowly, for me. Relationships are in me, also. All is. There's been a great deal out there that is .....well......
I'm changing my inner/outer attitude. It's nothing new.
I'm changing my inner/outer attitude. It's nothing new.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
new words....
take my heart
it's yours
the world
take all my love
don't lose
don't lie
this gift of mine
it's yours
it's the world's
it's yours
take this of mine
let it be forever
it's yours
all yours
it's yours
the world
take all my love
don't lose
don't lie
this gift of mine
it's yours
it's the world's
it's yours
take this of mine
let it be forever
it's yours
all yours
essex st, cont'd
so I know a lot of people have been waiting for the next in this sequence:
so.....where did I leave off?
I'm out the door. The street. Freedom. I didn't die. I'm out in the world. In safety. I had watched relentlessly the documentary on Joel Rifkin and ......you just never know. You take every precaution, and absolutely this job is not for the reckless, self destructive or anyone carrying religious or sexual hang ups from childhood. But no matter how smart or careful you are there's always a chance of anything, life carries no guarantees. But you have to take risks once in a while.
I'm a little disoriented.....so......where do I go? There's a bar next door. Why do I choose to go right there where I can be found.....and not just get the fuck out of there? Well, what can he do anyhow?
I think I'm in this place, a nice enough one, clean and airy. I step out, for some reason, and this guy's building is right next door. I look up at the window, why not sure. Look down. Down again. There are two used condoms .......different colors?on the ground. I jump back. It couldn't be.....did he throw those out the window? I had had vodka and OJ there which to his credit he was nice enough to give me. I had blow on me, an extravagance, you know, I shouldn't but I have my excuses.
So....this place has two floors. I head upstairs. Order a drink....wine? I have to have something. A guy approaches me, a frat type. He seems pretty decent, and we start a conversation. I wonder if I should.....but something in me doesn't or won't. We end up talking for half an hour or so......
he invites me to his place with some friends of his. We go downstairs......ugh....is this boring? Oh...so on and on......I'm getting back into life, my adrenaline back down. All is sort of normal, again. As this guy and I get downstairs, in the crowd, I see him, from upstairs. He came back. He's coming toward me. "I knew I'd find you here...." "Is this....someone you know or just some weirdo...." asks my friend. "He's um, I met him before...." I say.
So....now I'm feeling the effects of what I had. Somehow I have to get on the train and go back home.....this is the hazard of living in brooklyn, dealing with the L train and the G. It became a city by itself, in the winter, with hordes of people sitting there waiting, and the guitar player I would always see. I knew him from a play he'd been in.
TBC.....
freedom = mercy = freedom = mercy = freedom =
so.....where did I leave off?
I'm out the door. The street. Freedom. I didn't die. I'm out in the world. In safety. I had watched relentlessly the documentary on Joel Rifkin and ......you just never know. You take every precaution, and absolutely this job is not for the reckless, self destructive or anyone carrying religious or sexual hang ups from childhood. But no matter how smart or careful you are there's always a chance of anything, life carries no guarantees. But you have to take risks once in a while.
I'm a little disoriented.....so......where do I go? There's a bar next door. Why do I choose to go right there where I can be found.....and not just get the fuck out of there? Well, what can he do anyhow?
I think I'm in this place, a nice enough one, clean and airy. I step out, for some reason, and this guy's building is right next door. I look up at the window, why not sure. Look down. Down again. There are two used condoms .......different colors?on the ground. I jump back. It couldn't be.....did he throw those out the window? I had had vodka and OJ there which to his credit he was nice enough to give me. I had blow on me, an extravagance, you know, I shouldn't but I have my excuses.
So....this place has two floors. I head upstairs. Order a drink....wine? I have to have something. A guy approaches me, a frat type. He seems pretty decent, and we start a conversation. I wonder if I should.....but something in me doesn't or won't. We end up talking for half an hour or so......
he invites me to his place with some friends of his. We go downstairs......ugh....is this boring? Oh...so on and on......I'm getting back into life, my adrenaline back down. All is sort of normal, again. As this guy and I get downstairs, in the crowd, I see him, from upstairs. He came back. He's coming toward me. "I knew I'd find you here...." "Is this....someone you know or just some weirdo...." asks my friend. "He's um, I met him before...." I say.
So....now I'm feeling the effects of what I had. Somehow I have to get on the train and go back home.....this is the hazard of living in brooklyn, dealing with the L train and the G. It became a city by itself, in the winter, with hordes of people sitting there waiting, and the guitar player I would always see. I knew him from a play he'd been in.
TBC.....
freedom = mercy = freedom = mercy = freedom =
Monday, August 03, 2009
A dream last night. Me, ---- and a woman. She is in the shape of these Egyptian statues, sitting upright, her profile. We're by a lake, night time. There's a boat, she's sitting on it. He says, there's only room for two people, you can go across the river with her. I look over....she's dead. I wake up.
essex st, cont'd
we are in his apt....a decent enough place....what did he say he did? "That's me and Caroline Kennedy," he says pointing at a picture on the wall of her, many years ago, with a man who may have been him 35 years ago. Currently he....how can I be kind? I ....his face reminds me of a Picasso painting, split in half. "I used to screw her," he says. My mother met her, as well. I'm thinking how ironic it is, how few degrees of separation are between three or four people.
On and on. "I cum...I cum....uh....I gonna cum......" he must have drunk an entire bottle of vodka. "I gonna cum...." it's getting harder and harder to be civil.
Ok, this isn't nice......I finally jumped up, threw on my panties and clothes....I don't remember what I said....."Sorry but I have to go....." I'm thinking he could attack me too. There's the door, I'm thinking. Run.
And I do. I get to the door, open it, and get out. Step number one. Down the stairs. It must be....six flights? An endless spiral down, down, it doesn't end. I look up to see if he's behind me. No. I'm getting out, I think. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. The stairs go on forever, it seems.
Then there's the door. I run to the door, open it, and there's the street. Freedom. I was lucky with this one.
I go into a bar....what am I doing? I need a drink or something.
On and on. "I cum...I cum....uh....I gonna cum......" he must have drunk an entire bottle of vodka. "I gonna cum...." it's getting harder and harder to be civil.
Ok, this isn't nice......I finally jumped up, threw on my panties and clothes....I don't remember what I said....."Sorry but I have to go....." I'm thinking he could attack me too. There's the door, I'm thinking. Run.
And I do. I get to the door, open it, and get out. Step number one. Down the stairs. It must be....six flights? An endless spiral down, down, it doesn't end. I look up to see if he's behind me. No. I'm getting out, I think. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. The stairs go on forever, it seems.
Then there's the door. I run to the door, open it, and there's the street. Freedom. I was lucky with this one.
I go into a bar....what am I doing? I need a drink or something.
essex st continued
excuse that this is a rough draft.....
so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?
No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....
so.....digressing.
FICTION FICTION
I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.
I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.
ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.
so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?
No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....
so.....digressing.
FICTION FICTION
I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.
I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.
ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
what i want?
Someone asked me my "goals." Yes I do have them. I don't just float around la de da....
what i want
movie roles : work with Quentin Tarantino, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorcese, there is a multitude of great directors but .....
commercials
better paying gigs
better love life where we see eachother at least once or twice a week, are loyal no bs no third parties or head trips, are loving, honest, mutually giving
finish songs and have a demo, then recording contract
better dance technique
more dance performances around the city with backup dancers,
better singer, be a
travel to colombia (really all of Central and South America), *LA*, france, berlin, for starters
to drive, get a car
speak better French, German, Spanish
more money more money catch up on debts, totalling a few grand
finish tax stuff
health insurance......mail, letter, ect ect
better headshots
role in a shakespeare play
dance, acting classes
get rid of old emotional garbage (God knows i try)
better face cream
renew gym membership
be better read: Love in the Time of Cholera; Shakespeare....Othello, Twelfth Night; try to get through Being and Nothingness, Henry Miller
write? hmm.....script, memoir or beginnings of....
to find out what's going on, as something is. and what the hell is it?
THAT yeah, I know, have to get to the bottom of that....
what i want
movie roles : work with Quentin Tarantino, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorcese, there is a multitude of great directors but .....
commercials
better paying gigs
better love life where we see eachother at least once or twice a week, are loyal no bs no third parties or head trips, are loving, honest, mutually giving
finish songs and have a demo, then recording contract
better dance technique
more dance performances around the city with backup dancers,
better singer, be a
travel to colombia (really all of Central and South America), *LA*, france, berlin, for starters
to drive, get a car
speak better French, German, Spanish
more money more money catch up on debts, totalling a few grand
finish tax stuff
health insurance......mail, letter, ect ect
better headshots
role in a shakespeare play
dance, acting classes
get rid of old emotional garbage (God knows i try)
better face cream
renew gym membership
be better read: Love in the Time of Cholera; Shakespeare....Othello, Twelfth Night; try to get through Being and Nothingness, Henry Miller
write? hmm.....script, memoir or beginnings of....
to find out what's going on, as something is. and what the hell is it?
THAT yeah, I know, have to get to the bottom of that....
The top rune represents a force that works for you. Gebo means gift, and like any gifts, the rune may be understood on many levels. Gifts are generally positive things, for both the giver and the recipient. In many cultures however, gifts and favors carry with them an obligation to respond in kind. It is for this reason that gifts, and hence the rune Gebo, are frequently symbolic of friendships, marriages, alliances, mergers, and other bonds between people or organizations. Gebo is a strong rune and the unions represented are strong as well. Moreover, Gebo is not reversible, as true friendships are not easily undone.
Monday, July 20, 2009
fiction.....essex st or ludlow?
late late.....please. I pray. In the bathroom stall at one of these bars.....outside in the bar stools....some frat boys, couples. not me. I need to make money. I pray. This must work. I know this works. I need money. Let me meet someone. I can't go into all of this.....
I go out, I'm in a skimpy little exercise outfit, and yes I see the looks in their eyes. I'm a whore to them. To them. They don't know me. They'll never know me. And that is sad.
no....no I don't pick up guys on the street. I know nothing about that. God knows i'm not a streetwalker. But should I be? I'm doing something wrong. There must be......there must be..... What am I doing wrong? I'm still pretty. I'm great. Where's the money? If I do descend .......if I did....I'd be lying by a pool somewhere in Switzerland.....waited on hand and foot. Or if I'd stayed there, the same. I'd have a guy who's young, cute AND rich. Who worships my baby pinkie. I should tell ---- that. This is what I gave up....well I didn't entirely. But I'm not there, I'm here. Somewhere I made that choice. I'd live well otherwise....and die of boredom. So I choose to stay on the LES poor. But I don't have to be. Right? Did I make the right choice?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What can I be more than sorry?
But thank you also. To whoever, whatever . Thank you. That I'm still here, that the girl next to me stopped cracking her knuckles, that.....
Most people don't know me. But I'll let you in on a piece of myself, that I never have before. I've learned to forgive. And I mean a lot. Or maybe there's nothing to be vexed about the way I had thought. Really I've been blessed. In so many ways. It just never felt that way. What you send out to the world is what comes back. I didn't think that way before but now I do. So, cheesy as it may sound, I try to send good out to the world. I never intended to do otherwise, but I did. Have I done stupid things? A multitude. But when things were great I didn't know they were. So now I should.
So if I'm a whore to them, then...... hell, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Really, they're jealous, of my, of others' sexual power. So let me use that as well.
I go out, I'm in a skimpy little exercise outfit, and yes I see the looks in their eyes. I'm a whore to them. To them. They don't know me. They'll never know me. And that is sad.
no....no I don't pick up guys on the street. I know nothing about that. God knows i'm not a streetwalker. But should I be? I'm doing something wrong. There must be......there must be..... What am I doing wrong? I'm still pretty. I'm great. Where's the money? If I do descend .......if I did....I'd be lying by a pool somewhere in Switzerland.....waited on hand and foot. Or if I'd stayed there, the same. I'd have a guy who's young, cute AND rich. Who worships my baby pinkie. I should tell ---- that. This is what I gave up....well I didn't entirely. But I'm not there, I'm here. Somewhere I made that choice. I'd live well otherwise....and die of boredom. So I choose to stay on the LES poor. But I don't have to be. Right? Did I make the right choice?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What can I be more than sorry?
But thank you also. To whoever, whatever . Thank you. That I'm still here, that the girl next to me stopped cracking her knuckles, that.....
Most people don't know me. But I'll let you in on a piece of myself, that I never have before. I've learned to forgive. And I mean a lot. Or maybe there's nothing to be vexed about the way I had thought. Really I've been blessed. In so many ways. It just never felt that way. What you send out to the world is what comes back. I didn't think that way before but now I do. So, cheesy as it may sound, I try to send good out to the world. I never intended to do otherwise, but I did. Have I done stupid things? A multitude. But when things were great I didn't know they were. So now I should.
So if I'm a whore to them, then...... hell, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Really, they're jealous, of my, of others' sexual power. So let me use that as well.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand.
The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.
Monday, July 06, 2009
ha! they know what they're talking about
I quote from Magi Astrology:
[URANUS OPPOSITION YOUR CHIRON]
Activation: ROM/R= -120. SEX/R= +50. CMPT/R= -150. INFIDELITY CLASH. This clash can be a problem if you are contemplating a serious relationship with this person. When a couple has this Clash, the chances of infidelity are increased because of the adventurous and independent nature of Uranus. You should also beware of having even just an affair with this person. If you are married or committed, but are looking for a fling, this person is not the one. This Clash often gives this person both the ability and the desire to bring turmoil into whatever other relationship you already have.
It's vice versa two with us....both ways
[URANUS OPPOSITION YOUR CHIRON]
Activation: ROM/R= -120. SEX/R= +50. CMPT/R= -150. INFIDELITY CLASH. This clash can be a problem if you are contemplating a serious relationship with this person. When a couple has this Clash, the chances of infidelity are increased because of the adventurous and independent nature of Uranus. You should also beware of having even just an affair with this person. If you are married or committed, but are looking for a fling, this person is not the one. This Clash often gives this person both the ability and the desire to bring turmoil into whatever other relationship you already have.
It's vice versa two with us....both ways
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Fort Greene in the news....
This neighborhood doesn't get its due, but now the Times wrote up the Farmer Deli....
I'm telling you this is no exaggeration.....
I'm telling you this is no exaggeration.....
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
so.....open mic in bushwick and sexual harassment
this neighborhood is......less than fabulous, to be honest. but this open mic at the bookstore something is amazing! this is absolutement for me. I can feel better about my singing/songwriting cause there are others here at my level. I will write more on this when I have time to meditate but I am so happy to have found my element in this scene. I am love. An art star? I don't label myself. I am just me. But this is my crowd. Kind of frightening....to have that shown to you!
So this was supposed to be songs based on a book you read. Naturally I modeled my song after Sylvia Plath's Ariel book. But I wrote this before I'd heard of this event. Foreshadowing? Sylvia Plath is awesome and I'm not even into poetry. I would have fucked her and I'm not even into women.....that's how fabulous she is!!!!
So this was supposed to be songs based on a book you read. Naturally I modeled my song after Sylvia Plath's Ariel book. But I wrote this before I'd heard of this event. Foreshadowing? Sylvia Plath is awesome and I'm not even into poetry. I would have fucked her and I'm not even into women.....that's how fabulous she is!!!!
the
rival
there's you there's me
we could be both
from the same mirror
there's nothing to fear
you are the one I have to face
I can't be erased no no
was I too late
was it my fate
does the moon pull me
am I like jello, like the sea
can I be set free
do I want to be
I'm the other
the thing on the side
when will it be mine
will I live, will I still live
the sea pulls me
the moon owns me
I am in the mirror
far away there's
no one to fear
did they trick me
can I be set free
do I want to be
everything is split in half
this cracked egg is all I have
when there's no one around
you make a display
can anyone see it?
the moon is pulling me
it never really owned me
you made me your enemy once
if that's the way you want to go
could this be what you know
where are they
who are they with
I shouldn't worry
I'm in no hurry me or them
me or them
there's you there's me
we could be both
from the same mirror
there's nothing to fear
you are the one I have to face
I can't be erased no no
was I too late
was it my fate
does the moon pull me
am I like jello, like the sea
can I be set free
do I want to be
I'm the other
the thing on the side
when will it be mine
will I live, will I still live
the sea pulls me
the moon owns me
I am in the mirror
far away there's
no one to fear
did they trick me
can I be set free
do I want to be
everything is split in half
this cracked egg is all I have
when there's no one around
you make a display
can anyone see it?
the moon is pulling me
it never really owned me
you made me your enemy once
if that's the way you want to go
could this be what you know
where are they
who are they with
I shouldn't worry
I'm in no hurry me or them
me or them
Saturday, May 30, 2009
spying?
just when i think i'm alone
there you are
i'm far from home
you think you can escape
think again
maybe you're my friend
maybe i'm beautiful
will there be an end?
will there be an end?
i know you're going away
ready to play
can you be free
is there no escape?
there you are
i'm far from home
you think you can escape
think again
maybe you're my friend
maybe i'm beautiful
will there be an end?
will there be an end?
i know you're going away
ready to play
can you be free
is there no escape?
difficult bitch
i'm a difficult bitch
don't get in my way
i'm a lying witch
so don't get in my way
i've had a bad day
i had to try
to get it back
had to try
had to try
i'm a crazy bitch that's what they say
yeah that's what they say
then i get lazy
then they want to play
then i get lazy
i'm a crazy bitch
a crazy bitch
then i get them
then i don't want them
if i get him
will i still want him
i'm in the mood
so don't fuck with me
just let me be
can't you see i'm feeling crazy lazy.....
don't get in my way
i'm a lying witch
so don't get in my way
i've had a bad day
i had to try
to get it back
had to try
had to try
i'm a crazy bitch that's what they say
yeah that's what they say
then i get lazy
then they want to play
then i get lazy
i'm a crazy bitch
a crazy bitch
then i get them
then i don't want them
if i get him
will i still want him
i'm in the mood
so don't fuck with me
just let me be
can't you see i'm feeling crazy lazy.....
Thursday, May 21, 2009
the past week?
oh.....extreme ups and downs. Pretty accurately what was predicted. Where do I even begin? Why did all this happen? I wish I knew.
I somehow ended up doing a photo shoot with these guys I had met on the street.....I know what you're thinking. I don't do this normally. But ....we bonded. There had been girls there as well. Somehow I ended up dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Semi dressed. Really would like to find those pix.
I somehow ended up doing a photo shoot with these guys I had met on the street.....I know what you're thinking. I don't do this normally. But ....we bonded. There had been girls there as well. Somehow I ended up dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Semi dressed. Really would like to find those pix.
can be
this way
going going back that way
here to stay
in every way
la la la
you know it would be
you know if would be
what is my wish
what is my wish
going going back that way
here to stay
in every way
la la la
you know it would be
you know if would be
what is my wish
what is my wish
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
oooooh
so much is going on things are crazy stressful and.....
I want to write more but have been up 36 hours but am wired now I just want to unwind and not think about anything!
I went to a Bhuddist temple for the first time yesterday. It is beautiful...not that different from a church. Except they use the oranges and do the bowing thing with the incense....awesome. My fortune was good. I need it. I deserve it. And I must sleepy sleepy, for now.
I want to write more but have been up 36 hours but am wired now I just want to unwind and not think about anything!
I went to a Bhuddist temple for the first time yesterday. It is beautiful...not that different from a church. Except they use the oranges and do the bowing thing with the incense....awesome. My fortune was good. I need it. I deserve it. And I must sleepy sleepy, for now.
Monday, April 27, 2009
watched pot never boils so I'm not watching the pot
do i need to increase my electrolytes i think that's what i need to do
my vibrator broke this is a terrible catastrophe i shit you not as is my sex life or lack of one .............last "date" a disaster.....I mean from hell the crypt and beyond..................this guy was obsessed with fat women....I don't know why he wanted me..................I mean, I don't think I'm fat. Then these women's men were......ugh. I just couldn't. I tried to keep my mouth shut cause.......then it was too cold in the room and I was getting sick and I lost it then........
so my lack of fulfilling sex has me extremely edgy now....that plus well on the up side it's a waxing moon time for creativity and money money coming down....that's the benefit so why complain? Not the first time money and sex were tied together, no pun intended......
you hear that people get crazy on a full moon. Well, it happens on a new one as well, and it was crazy loony in manhattan this weekend. There were cops on horses in riot gear as crowds spilled out of the clubs in Chelsea, and as I was walking to the train from work these people closing up a restaurant said to me, "I'd be careful going over there....." thus why they were ending early. Kind of brought me back to the RNC protest days, or recently when I lived in Bed Stuy....but it's not supposed to happen in Manhattan, where we're supposed to be safe.
But I wasn't, last night. I wore a sundress and these guys on a garbage truck were yelling at me.....I just don't want to repeat it. Then I had other men try to come after me. I got to sleep at 4:30 am only to be woken at 8am.
my vibrator broke this is a terrible catastrophe i shit you not as is my sex life or lack of one .............last "date" a disaster.....I mean from hell the crypt and beyond..................this guy was obsessed with fat women....I don't know why he wanted me..................I mean, I don't think I'm fat. Then these women's men were......ugh. I just couldn't. I tried to keep my mouth shut cause.......then it was too cold in the room and I was getting sick and I lost it then........
so my lack of fulfilling sex has me extremely edgy now....that plus well on the up side it's a waxing moon time for creativity and money money coming down....that's the benefit so why complain? Not the first time money and sex were tied together, no pun intended......
you hear that people get crazy on a full moon. Well, it happens on a new one as well, and it was crazy loony in manhattan this weekend. There were cops on horses in riot gear as crowds spilled out of the clubs in Chelsea, and as I was walking to the train from work these people closing up a restaurant said to me, "I'd be careful going over there....." thus why they were ending early. Kind of brought me back to the RNC protest days, or recently when I lived in Bed Stuy....but it's not supposed to happen in Manhattan, where we're supposed to be safe.
But I wasn't, last night. I wore a sundress and these guys on a garbage truck were yelling at me.....I just don't want to repeat it. Then I had other men try to come after me. I got to sleep at 4:30 am only to be woken at 8am.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
performance what a headache
so now I'm focused on putting new material and projects together.....I'm trying to get permission to perform something from a book; it's an exhausting run around.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
once again it's been forever......
I went on something of a hiatus but I'm back now. I was sick for 36 hours but better now--so many changes are happening in my life and I slept a full 8 hours last night for the first time in about 5 years! And I ran into an old friend.....funny--I saw his name carved into the sidewalk the day before and that could be seen as a message.....
as for now I'm writing more songs--carrying my notebook everywhere with me--
and looking for a place on the ues as well---anyone know of one?
And I'm having amazing sex.....(covers mouth....oops)....
as for now I'm writing more songs--carrying my notebook everywhere with me--
and looking for a place on the ues as well---anyone know of one?
And I'm having amazing sex.....(covers mouth....oops)....
Friday, March 06, 2009
I love this
"According to old French and German beliefs, only a girl who is “pure” can blow back into life a candle that is sputtering and dying."
I recently increased the fire in a waning candle someone else had lit. Hmm
I recently increased the fire in a waning candle someone else had lit. Hmm
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
new lyrics (title.... royal one/could be)
everything I do I do for you
you know you know you know
i do it for you
everything (or could be) I'd do I would you know Ii'm drowning swimming
you know you know you know
i do it for you
everything (or could be) I'd do I would you know I
you know i could you know i could
would you know
everything
for you
i would be blue i would be
I it you know I do it you know I do it you know
you're hot you're hot you're hot you're hot you're hot
wet wet wet wet wet
the bed is blue
i would you know I would
the bed the bed the bed is blue wet and blue
you know i am a royal one
everything i do i do for you
i would you know i would you know
could be
could be me you know could be me you know
for you
could be
could be me you know could be me you know
for you
everything you know
i do it for you
is it me am i wearing a mask
could be
everything you know
got down there
gotta head down there
gotta head down there
it's only me
you know it's only me
for you
see me only see me
would you know
for you
the truth is all around you
it's underneath you
only me i'm swimming only me i'm swimming
Been forever!
I've been silent but not absent. So much has been happening.....I'm moving for the billionth time, to the upper east side (cross fingers!). I've been subletting, and the recession has helped with rents but it's still hard. People assume you have scads of money falling down on you from the sky! I do, but I'm still not parting with it THAT easily. I'm not a big spender, in general.
As for lately, there's been good and bad--things and people. I won't go into that now. You live and learn. I'm moving on.
It's easy to get confused, and I'm trying to be less. Also, I'm writing songs again, and auditioning--and running through Central Park every day, why I want to move to this area. Before, I was taking the train from Brooklyn every day and it was getting really tiresome--even though train rides were a nice time to myself (that's where I get a good deal of reading done) it also took over my days--being 3 or 4 pm by the time I was finished and home. Not practical.
As for lately, there's been good and bad--things and people. I won't go into that now. You live and learn. I'm moving on.
It's easy to get confused, and I'm trying to be less. Also, I'm writing songs again, and auditioning--and running through Central Park every day, why I want to move to this area. Before, I was taking the train from Brooklyn every day and it was getting really tiresome--even though train rides were a nice time to myself (that's where I get a good deal of reading done) it also took over my days--being 3 or 4 pm by the time I was finished and home. Not practical.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
so this is the missing link in my life.....
This must have been written on my birthday for a reason... I have always been an insomniac.
Melatonin and blood
Winter, get used to it
This is only the beginning. Maybe it's the fact that Monday this week was Blue Monday, or other things in my life, but everything is so dark, bleak and empty. It feels like there's no one around, even though this is the city and people are everywhere. A part of me wants to be away from people because at times I can't take them, anyone, but another part of me wants not to be alone.....but I go one way then another. At times, I wish I were alone in the woods, like when I run early in the day. I wish it were just trees, squirrels, fresh air and me. But I'm not far off. I have Fort Greene Park, Central Park, and this neighborhood is really beautiful in the snow. Christmas is over, yet it is still here because people keep their lights up, and the coffee shop across the street keeps theirs. It reminds me of where I come from, the Midwest, where it always snows on xmas without fail and it's an unquestioned ritual....the whole family get together thing. Cheesy maybe to some, but it really was good to see everyone and a positive experience....at one point my mother got mad at my sister and me because we wanted to go to Midnight Mass (actually, I was dragged there) and was screaming NO respectable woman is out at this time of year at night...there's no one out there but thugs! But we went and it was worth it--to the church downtown near Trinity. And I don't see my family enough. That's how I come to appreciate these small good things. They sustain me.
Don't get me wrong--it's not like I live my life like a hermit with no friends or that I'm always anti social. I have some great people around me. I'm social--sometimes. But there is not enough privacy. Maybe I should take up this guy's offer to visit his place in New Hampshire. I mean it's winter, might as well go the whole nine yards. I don't like the cold but it's a fact of life, you know? Might as well get used to it. I remember I met this girl from Siberia once who said the coldest day in NYC is the warmest day there--my friend said yeah they go out in shorts.
And yes, it's cold. I have cats who I let in the back yard--but I'm still on the third floor and the entrance to the back is blocked off by the jerks who run this place, so I have to go around to this basketball court to feed them and I try to bring them inside--like today I came home in a panic because it was freezing and dark and I might as well have been on the moon--at 3:30 AM--yes, my hours are crazy--but out they came, running toward me for food--and I went out later to get them in but they didn't want to come in. My one cat rolls around in the snow. Their coats are super thick. I have non stop anxiety about them--but I am reassured when people tell me cats are hardy and fur is ultra warm. It's amazing how they survive--I've seen the feral cats around here walking around in blizzards--really cute--they stepped through the snow very gracefully, like ballet dancers. They're nocturnal. Good. Because it's so bleak now. I prefer summer but I'm making myself sustain this.
Don't get me wrong--it's not like I live my life like a hermit with no friends or that I'm always anti social. I have some great people around me. I'm social--sometimes. But there is not enough privacy. Maybe I should take up this guy's offer to visit his place in New Hampshire. I mean it's winter, might as well go the whole nine yards. I don't like the cold but it's a fact of life, you know? Might as well get used to it. I remember I met this girl from Siberia once who said the coldest day in NYC is the warmest day there--my friend said yeah they go out in shorts.
And yes, it's cold. I have cats who I let in the back yard--but I'm still on the third floor and the entrance to the back is blocked off by the jerks who run this place, so I have to go around to this basketball court to feed them and I try to bring them inside--like today I came home in a panic because it was freezing and dark and I might as well have been on the moon--at 3:30 AM--yes, my hours are crazy--but out they came, running toward me for food--and I went out later to get them in but they didn't want to come in. My one cat rolls around in the snow. Their coats are super thick. I have non stop anxiety about them--but I am reassured when people tell me cats are hardy and fur is ultra warm. It's amazing how they survive--I've seen the feral cats around here walking around in blizzards--really cute--they stepped through the snow very gracefully, like ballet dancers. They're nocturnal. Good. Because it's so bleak now. I prefer summer but I'm making myself sustain this.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
so long
So much has been happening and really all I do is work....argh! But just an overview: I went to Chicago for the first time in ages and really loved it.....but my trip was cut short. Problems with the cats and illness. Next time, I may go farther and not return. What is there here, really? I need a change; among other things, a new apartment.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Yay President Obama!
I've actually been crying I've been so moved. Are all our problems solved? No. However, it's a start. On the radio show Joy of Resistance, Fran announced it would be their last under the current Bush Administration, and played that song "Hit the Road Jack." I can't get that out of my head. Jack or Jane or Palin, anyone who opposes women's and abortion/civil/animal rights bye bye....
considering also what I personally went through for the past eight years (who felt the boom, the economic boom?) and the personal is political......and my planets are better.....
in the streets in my neighborhood people are cheering, smiling, at me, at each other, there is a real peace and happiness in the air....like this terrible dark cloud has been lifted.
You know, I don't hold personal grudges against people on different political spectra from me. There are those I love and care for whom I disagree with on issues....
Yes it's a start. Times are tough, though to me nothing compared with 3 years ago, 2005. That was a horrid year. Somehow I got through it, we did. On to the future! To making the right choices! To marrying the right person! Now I'm going out to get blasted, and feed the cats....
considering also what I personally went through for the past eight years (who felt the boom, the economic boom?) and the personal is political......and my planets are better.....
in the streets in my neighborhood people are cheering, smiling, at me, at each other, there is a real peace and happiness in the air....like this terrible dark cloud has been lifted.
You know, I don't hold personal grudges against people on different political spectra from me. There are those I love and care for whom I disagree with on issues....
Yes it's a start. Times are tough, though to me nothing compared with 3 years ago, 2005. That was a horrid year. Somehow I got through it, we did. On to the future! To making the right choices! To marrying the right person! Now I'm going out to get blasted, and feed the cats....
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
W
while we're on the subject, I want to say I saw the film "W" by Oliver Stone and it is really fabulous, in my opinion. It's fascinating to me and very well acted. Worth seeing. I want to see it again.
for barack obama
| The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now! | |
 | The left card represents an important element of the past. Temperance: Calm and restraint. Self-control, patience and tact in handling situations. The act of applying balanced spiritual and psychic forces to physical life. |
 | The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Six of Swords (Science): Trusting in intelligence and intuition and setting off into the unknown. Leaving an untenable situation and charting a new course. Passage from difficulty and progress towards a solution. The road to recovery. Travel and exploration. |
 | The right card represents a critical element of the future. Two of Swords (Peace): Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others. |
tarot card predictions
| For John Mccain: The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now! | |
 | The left card represents an important element of the past. Three of Pentacles (Works), when reversed: Delays in the commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. Holding back or failing to use one's abilities to their full potential. Shoddy workmanship and lack of attention to detail. Being hamstrung by convention, or failing to temper artistic fancy with an understanding of reality. |
 | The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Two of Cups (Love), when reversed: Instability in romance, friendship, or business. A deep infatuation that excludes existing friends. A false promise or premature commitment. The entanglement of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The profaning of the sacred through the introduction of base desire. Folly, depletion, and waste. May suggest conflict, divorce, or a severing of ties. |
 | The right card represents a critical element of the future. Wheel of Fortune, when reversed: An unexpected turn of bad luck. A broken sequence of events. Outside influences for the worse. An inescapable descent due to Fate or Karma. Great changes taking place as a result of earlier actions that cannot be taken back. Misfortune, failure and reluctance to use free will. |
different kinds of women's lib?
Being pressed for time, I will summarize this. I read something in the Wall Street Journal, a more or less conservative paper which nonetheless is my favorite, now. Anyway, this woman wrote an editorial, letter to the editor, saying something to the effect of, I chose to stay at home and care for my children and why should my taxes go to pay for yours (as in public day care). This really....I'll stay calm here. All I can say is, to this woman, just because you personally chose to stay home why should all the rest of us be deprived of our basic needs? I've had to care for pets with virtually no help, unable to take care of a child, which is why I didn't have any, partly due to there being no or virtually no practical system around me that would help me care for one. I grew up with baby sitters and day care and I'm great, you know? Also, most of us have to make income, somehow. We can't stay home even if we want to. Not all the time. With half the population or whatever the percentage is out in the work force, it makes sense that it's not practical to expect women to stay home full time with children or that there will be anyone there to do that. Where will all these children we're being forced to have go, and who will take care of them? I read somewhere that the US is the only industrialized country in the world without a national day care system. Think about that. With that knowledge, why aren't people storming through the streets demanding it? Why aren't people outraged? Instead, it's taken this strange reverse route. The outrage is turned the other way, at these feminazis who are......pushing women into careers and stripping them of their natural caring tendencies, which is leading to children growing up neglected, abused, delinquent....the fear is projected somewhere else.
Well, let's see, there seems to be something wrong with this picture....I can't be the only one who thinks so. The argument of the other side, as inaccurate and generalized, to be polite, as it is, has been effective. That working women would not support something like national day care and make it a number one priority is absurd to me, but this is the environment I grew up in. Not my mother, but these other women around me.
I feel a little dejected that there haven't been any radical cheerleading events happening around this crucial election.....strange, but it's my fault too. I suppose we've all been busy with other things. Not a good excuse. Because I am nervous tonight. I keep saying, brace yourself for the worst. That way you're prepared.
Well, let's see, there seems to be something wrong with this picture....I can't be the only one who thinks so. The argument of the other side, as inaccurate and generalized, to be polite, as it is, has been effective. That working women would not support something like national day care and make it a number one priority is absurd to me, but this is the environment I grew up in. Not my mother, but these other women around me.
I feel a little dejected that there haven't been any radical cheerleading events happening around this crucial election.....strange, but it's my fault too. I suppose we've all been busy with other things. Not a good excuse. Because I am nervous tonight. I keep saying, brace yourself for the worst. That way you're prepared.
Monday, October 27, 2008
try to forget
tell myself, forget it, forget him. But the car in front of the door has his initials on it.....everywhere you see the numbers, his name. Why? Why? I ask a car. I ask the numbers in front of me. I ask the image of him. What do you want?
No answer, never.
Forget it and get on with your life. But how can I when it doesn't belong to me?
Always his name, his picture, never him. Never any answers.
No answer, never.
Forget it and get on with your life. But how can I when it doesn't belong to me?
Always his name, his picture, never him. Never any answers.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
oh......
I have to do something. These people (McCain, Palin) simply cannot win:
Joy of Resistance
I'm disgusted.
Joy of Resistance
I'm disgusted.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
third person?
every year of my life
I end up back here
it's the same story every time
I fall for someone who is with someone
then disappears with her
or him
I somehow drive them away
or it's the other way around, I
also run away from them
why is that?
I end up back here
it's the same story every time
I fall for someone who is with someone
then disappears with her
or him
I somehow drive them away
or it's the other way around, I
also run away from them
why is that?
Sunday, October 05, 2008
wish I was there, or do I?
you have no clue or do you?
I was your slave
I came that close
couldn't be left this way
leave it behind I tried, I
could if I tried
sometimes I think I'd do anything
over and over been pricked
my blood is sweet, sticky
sharp, then dull
it never leaves
bad me I
gave way to the urge
I could feel it all over me
wild lust
down to this
always down to this
I'd do anything
sometimes I think that
you have no clue
or do you
I'm running, flying sometimes
I'd do anything
throw off my clothes
jump into the river
sometimes I think that
sometimes I'd do anything
I have to forget
I have to forget
have to forget
if only I could
I have to not see it, somehow
yes, I would jump in the river
sometimes
I fell, I'm looking up
what can you hold onto?
what are you attached to?
I was your slave
I came that close
couldn't be left this way
leave it behind I tried, I
could if I tried
sometimes I think I'd do anything
over and over been pricked
my blood is sweet, sticky
sharp, then dull
it never leaves
bad me I
gave way to the urge
I could feel it all over me
wild lust
down to this
always down to this
I'd do anything
sometimes I think that
you have no clue
or do you
I'm running, flying sometimes
I'd do anything
throw off my clothes
jump into the river
sometimes I think that
sometimes I'd do anything
I have to forget
I have to forget
have to forget
if only I could
I have to not see it, somehow
yes, I would jump in the river
sometimes
I fell, I'm looking up
what can you hold onto?
what are you attached to?
Friday, October 03, 2008
hot pink burlesque
I got invited at the last minute to dance at this event on the lower east side. All good, great, fab, a lot of work, I'm sore as hell now.....but awesome! Below some pix....
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
more lyrics
Falling Apart Laura Saiter
i VII III
it's all me
it always comes down to me
I want this
I don't want this
I'm not in bliss
not in bliss
I look forward
travel far
don't go far
turn around
there you are
everything's dark
the street is dark
so am I
there must be another time
It's always me
I'm somehow to blame
I wanted this
I don't want this
this isn't bliss
I did this
isn't bliss
the street is dark
everyone's out
you're not out
what else is new
I'm falling apart
It's dark out
you're not out
i VII III
it's all me
it always comes down to me
I want this
I don't want this
I'm not in bliss
not in bliss
I look forward
travel far
don't go far
turn around
there you are
everything's dark
the street is dark
so am I
there must be another time
It's always me
I'm somehow to blame
I wanted this
I don't want this
this isn't bliss
I did this
isn't bliss
the street is dark
everyone's out
you're not out
what else is new
I'm falling apart
It's dark out
you're not out
been a while again
I've just been working so much and running around I have hardly a minute anymore. I have so much to say, but here's some of it......lyrics in progress:
I'm being twisted look in the mirror look away it comes back
it must be they're trying to drive me crazy could he really make me this way you made me this way when will it end when will I know what really happened there's no one to trust I'm dreaming in water in woods it's dark there must be an end there must be he must be there has to be
As for the above pix: I have this obsession with 11th street. I think it's haunted. Well, that doesn't take a whole lot of thought. It used to be a junkie hooker pick up spot. So I was told. The past, spirit of the past is there. Most don't notice. But I saw written on a cemented door: "Does Anyone Care?" But about who, or what?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
what should I do?
I am afraid, this time. But more than that, angry. The person I wrote about, who lives in the room adjacent to mine, by the fire escape, in the apartment next door, just threatened my life basically. I never know if I go to feed the cats, in which I have to pass through the ....well I won't get into it, or coming home at night, or hell he could just crawl through the window. There is something dead in my room like a mouse or something....at least I think that's what it is....behind the walls or by the vent, somewhere, but not anywhere where I can find it and remove it. THe smell is horrible. I had to sleep in the abandoned room across the hall, where that girl was (she moved out). So congratulations, me, another shit living situation. According to ....well, the better time to move is October. This month.....I haven't been anyone's dream. I know that. God knows I fucking try. But I failed yet again. Anyhow, this guy....when I passed him in the hallway, said "Don't go putting any fucking notes under my door, you hear? You don't know who I am." It's true, I don't know who he is, although I am sure he really is violent, deranged and dangerous. The kind of person who would hurt someone innocent and enjoy it, be proud of it. Of course, he is popular, too. A classic sociopath. I have to try not to be hateful you know? Problem is, it just drags you down to the same level. Still, I may be forced to go to the cops, which is horribly stressful, and I've been forced to tell the landlord as well. I really am afraid I'll end up in the papers as another stalking or murder victim. If that happens, I want to make it clear who the perpetrator really is lest they get the wrong guy.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
disregard the last entry
I guess I was in one of those moods. I'm having problems, major ones, with the same person I wrote about before. He smoked a cigarette and joint, and I don't care if they do, it's friday night/sat morning.....if it's out the window or on the fire escape even. I've done that. But it was in his room, and it all drifted from his to mine through a very thin wall and I was asphyxiated by it, plus getting a migraine. This is all after I'd suffered a major anxiety attack. A terrible one. I was doing my breathing and stretching when he did this. This is why I was so mad. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. And stuff like this just...I don't want to become a hateful person. Or bitter. But this kind of thing...this general meanness and lack of caring for others, from people like him, make me lose sympathy.
On a better note, I made some money at work. After busting my ass and going through hell and back. I saw a black cat cross the road. That's good or bad luck depending where you are. I see it as an omen, or some kind of angel....if it goes away from you it's seen as bad and toward you it's good. It ran into someone's front yard. I went there, sat on the sidewalk, and waited for it, and he came out. He looked at me, he was wild, with his big sea green eyes, kind face. Then the owner of the building came out, and the cat took off.
There were these very scary people, junkies, in the store I was coming from. I was afraid they'd follow me. There must be a solution, to all this.
On a better note, I made some money at work. After busting my ass and going through hell and back. I saw a black cat cross the road. That's good or bad luck depending where you are. I see it as an omen, or some kind of angel....if it goes away from you it's seen as bad and toward you it's good. It ran into someone's front yard. I went there, sat on the sidewalk, and waited for it, and he came out. He looked at me, he was wild, with his big sea green eyes, kind face. Then the owner of the building came out, and the cat took off.
There were these very scary people, junkies, in the store I was coming from. I was afraid they'd follow me. There must be a solution, to all this.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
when i was fifteen
I ran off with some friends once, rather than go to that house in the hamptons. I spent the weekend crashing on people's couches. I was nervous, sure, I took acid, I had no clue where I was headed, but I was -- I had a life. For once, my only companionship wasn't the trees, the cats, and books. A good and bad side to that. Sometimes I need humans. But I was integrated into the world, and of course as a pretty young girl I had any number of guys trying to fuck me. One of them almost....made a play at trying to rape me. He pointed an ice pick at me and told me to get in the shower....then said, just kidding. I got out of there, somehow.
Monday, July 28, 2008
keep wanting to take a trip but
but I've been so caught up in my "career" and working day and night on my dance technique. I'm getting pretty good and I've been hurting so much, so tired....it's so much work you just couldn't imagine. I'm exhausted. but in a good way.
My ipod broke, along with my cell phone, computer, Garrett's computer...on and on....it must be mercury retrograde or something. But listening to one of those classic rock stations, I thought back to high school, when I was obsessed with Jimmy Page and Led Zep, and summer is the time for listening to them, being outside, being on the road, going somewhere. Somewhere warm. And high on something. What's life if you're not experiencing that?
had another weird dream--another constant theme....I was sitting on the beach by a small river, with big rock mountains, and a tsunami was coming at me and my friend, but I said, this river isn't big enough. Still, a big wave came at us.
My ipod broke, along with my cell phone, computer, Garrett's computer...on and on....it must be mercury retrograde or something. But listening to one of those classic rock stations, I thought back to high school, when I was obsessed with Jimmy Page and Led Zep, and summer is the time for listening to them, being outside, being on the road, going somewhere. Somewhere warm. And high on something. What's life if you're not experiencing that?
had another weird dream--another constant theme....I was sitting on the beach by a small river, with big rock mountains, and a tsunami was coming at me and my friend, but I said, this river isn't big enough. Still, a big wave came at us.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
been forever
since I've written in here. Quite a lot has been happening. I had a freaky dream this afternoon. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home and rested for the first time in ages. I dreamt of that girl Tanya across the hall--her room. There's a staircase going up to the other guy's room, and that (we're on the top floor) was extended to another floor, identical to this. It passed through a hole in the ceiling to this other person's room. It was all wood, though the stairs are iron. I said, I've dreamt of this before--and I have--about my mother's place in Long Island.
Then I woke up and realized I'd been dreaming.
Then I woke up and realized I'd been dreaming.
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