getting harassed again

My neighborhood is a hotbed for this. Plus, it's another gentrification zone. I could be seen as one of the "new people" coming into this place, paying the new high rents--well, I may be relatively new (been here a year) but I don't fit the rest of the criteria. My place is a fucking slum. A year ago it was worse, and we have a slumlord to boot. I can't completely complain, though. I get along fairly well with my roommate, and it helps that she is here--it's far, far safer. Especially in this area. A year ago I was assaulted, and within the past month I've been nearly assaulted twice and had my ass grabbed; a record of incidents in the 20 some odd years I've lived in NYC.
I could be, I suppose, how do I put this delicately, mistaken for one of the "yuppies" moving into the neighborhood. Honestly, I ......I don't see how on earth heaven or hell I could ever be seen as one of these people the same ones who threw Doritos at me in elementary school.......I sure am convincing. As for gentrification (there are many euphemisms going around).......I don't miss living in fear--I guess all of NYC was like this before it was "cleaned up." Other cities around the world are safer, though, and the people there aren't rich. I am as unyuppie as they come, believe me. I could have been one at one point but instead I became a --------- think I am.............and those same people--not that they ever accepted me to begin with--spit me out, pretty much. So that's why I'm pissed off at constantly--being treated like one of them, when I'm not. I've been called a princess and a spoiled brat and Britney Spears (even though I have nothing against her, really--I like her videos, truly), and "conventional" a "teenager" --I swear that's what this guy would say to me in junior high school. Well, uh, gee, actually I WAS a teenager, but he would say to me, "I'll be you like the Cure." In fact, I didn't like the Cure. Last night someone threw a stick at me (last night) from their car and it's true.....I grew up without money or many nice clothes, while the other girls around me had closets full of designer jeans and sweaters. They could go shopping at the drop of a hat, and didn't understand why I couldn't. It's not only hurtful, it's wrong and infuriating-- Whatever you do, DON'T call me those things. Why can't --it couldn't get more obvious. Go direct your aggression at the real thing.
So walking home these guys were saying to me, "Hey blondie. Nice legs. Come here. Hey mami...." and I don't consider myself blonde even--

why am I being mixed up with these "other" people? Am I that convincing? I should be getting cast more if my act is that good.

progress or going backward?

I'm really trying to stay upbeat on my blog but I can't help the fact that the world has problems.

That said, I'm really upset right now. Last year, I went with some women from the Redstockings group up to Albany, to the NOW conference, to campaign for them to endorse our resolution for universal health care, supporting HR 676. Long story short, everyone I talked to, collecting signatures, supported this. But when we got to the floor, these women, who it doesn't take a genius to guess they must have had an ax or two to grind, basically ripped our resolution to shreds, changing key words like "independence" to "security," taking out the word "men," and other things like that. They also nitpicked over small things, and got very hostile toward us, but what it comes down to is they weren't going to support anything that eliminated (another word they took out) health insurance companies. One can guess why they felt so strongly about this. Even though we had a huge consensus among the masses of women (and men) there, when it came down to those in charge this was too cutting edge, or something. It was a real struggle to get other groups I was involved in to attend meetings about this subject or take any interest in this. Now that Michael Moore's movie is out, which makes pretty much (I haven't seen it but I can guess I think) the same argument, this is on the table, this subject, and those people who wouldn't come to a Redstockings meeting are railing against the US system of health care and shocked at how much better, you could say, it is in pretty much the rest of the world.

So I was in the store, and some people.....white, probably like upper middle class, people you wouldn't have seen in this store in Brooklyn even a year ago, were .....this guy was talking about how he did French theater, or something. It was him, another guy, and a young woman. This guy starts going on a rant, "Michael Moore is an asshole! He just throws stuff together and ....." makes something like "what he calls a documentary....." and then he was talking about how the European system is failing and crumbling, a basic myth that Redstockings pretty much discredited.....you could say that's propaganda.....and this woman had a look of horror on her face, like it must be really awful, we're really under attack now.....America.

A few months ago, I went to this gym in Brooklyn Heights, the first and last time I'll ever set foot in there. There were these (probably) rich white women in there, and one of them was saying something like, "And he wanted me to operate on him, and had this attitude...." and another woman said, "What kind of insurance did he have?" And she said, "Awful insurance." And this woman said sarcastically, "Medicaid!" And the other said, "It was worse than Medicaid...." and I was so offended at this conversation. I don't use Medicaid, but I know people who do, and I know what it's like to have to basically go through volumes of paperwork and, as a self-employed single woman, prove that I deserve health insurance, pretty much. Redstockings made this whole argument about how health care is a feminist issue, yet it's being attacked by women--they for whatever reason worship this system we have like it's God; it's almost sexual, their devotion to the American way. How are we ever supposed to progress if this is how things are? Women hold women back. What can I say? I've dealt with this all my life. But they do.

I have hope. But I can't ignore this, the fact that .....I mean so many women who are feminist don't want to go on this subject or criticize women or say that they oppress other women because that would be suggesting that they deserve to be second class, or something like that, or that solidarity should be unconditional, uncompromising, and that we should view women as nothing less than unyielding, fighting. Well, what can I say? That simply hasn't been my experience. They're not revolutionaries, most of them. They're just not. Am I being mean? It's not out of a desire to attack that I'm writing this, it's just my experience. They just don't want change, not major change. They don't try to change things.


I realize most of the men I fall for tend to be gay or bisexual. When I was a teenager I spent a great deal of time in the gay and lesbian community and still do, even though I am mostly straight. Occasionally I'll be interested in a female but I am very picky; I pretty much prefer men. I don't ....in this film Sorority Boys this girl says, "I thought by going to the other side I'd be getting away from all this. It's exactly the same story." Maybe so. But I don't identify with straight culture, I don't have that many straight friends. And I....I can't stand most straight men. I just can't trust them. They've never given me any reason to. Even my exes would go after anyone who was the far side of attractive, even if they were my friends. They didn't even wait for me to leave the room....then they wondered why I ended things with them. I can't see myself in a relationship. I hear the same story from one woman after another about what men did to them. What will I do about this? I can't live this way, you know? I'm just in a foul mood. Maybe I shouldn't be writing here, maybe I should keep these thoughts private. They're not nice ones. But life is not always nice. Maybe I should go to the movies more, I need to treat myself, in small ways.

NARAL rocks

Below is an email I got from them. Brrr....it's cold in here, you know safe sex is gonna disappear.....






It’s time for your senator to get in the ring.

We're in a fight against anti-choice senators to pass the Reproductive Health and Privacy Protection Act (RHAPP) and we need your pro-choice senator in our corner.

We’ve already targeted a number of anti-choice senators in our campaign; now it’s time for round two. We need to come out swinging hard; with a left hook from Western New York, a right jab from the Catskills, and a strong punch from New York City. But your senator must join lead bill sponsor Senator Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Westchester) and become a co-sponsor of the RHAPP Act.

Your senator has been with us on choice issues in the past; it's time for him or her to get in the ring for RHAPP. Send a letter today urging your state senator to join the bout and knock out the anti-choice voices in the Senate.

Visit the web address below to tell your friends about sending a letter to your state senator. Tell-a-friend!

If you received this message from a friend, you can sign up for NARAL Pro-Choice America's Choice Action Network.

In Union Square

I saw these kids; two girls and a couple guys, high school age. One of the girls caught my eye in particular; I was watching her. She was very pretty, tall, but dressed differently from most of the women around there. I spoke a little with all of them; they were debating lesbian/gay sex. These kids brought me right back to my high school days--and the air--maybe it's cheesy, but if felt the same. Deja vu or something. So even my old high school friends have come back, and I thought it was all lost. It isn't. I wanted to hug them. I couldn't stop watching them, but I didn't want to seem weird, plus I was tired, so I finally got a cab home. May the spirit live on! We need more freaky people in the city; that was a breath of fresh air. And these people are hated by the residents of this neighborhood.....but all those people are like white bread or soap, honestly--their personalities. I felt so elated seeing these kids. The ways I grew up with, are they coming back? Or did they never really leave?

abortion rights site

Having been though my own pregnancy scares, I'm grateful that the option is there. I can't say I don't find it a little disturbing, but I don't think abortion should ever be illegal, I'm pro-choice all the way. A woman once asked me at an animal rights demonstration, "Well what do you think of abortion?" I said it's a complicated question....she said, well so is this....to me, vivisection and abortion are not the same thing, not even close. In the latter, you're talking about a live creature that is mentally functioning and fully aware, fully developed....I don't believe a foetus or embryo is that....better to destroy a primitive life form than a human or animal being....so it's nowhere near the same thing. Besides, I don't think vivisection is ever justif

But so I'm pro-choice, I've never been pregnant, which is good because I have never been ready. It would have been disastrous if I had been. But here's a site: I'm not sorry.net.

she (a) said, "That Girl

has been giving us problems from the get go. And he, he is....I don't need to tell you what he is. He is simply not the kind of person decent people spend time with. They're bad enough, each of them, individually, but the two of them combined is a double threat. I don't see any need to be around her. I don't want her in my house. I don't see any reason to invite either of them to any parties or events ....we need her out. She's driving people away from our group....and she's crazy....."


she (b) said, "I'm outing you as a psychological terrorist. It's going to the papers tomorrow, and there's not one mother****ing thing you can do about it....."

fly on the wall

This guy I was, well, am still obsessed with......got married recently. But I keep finding pictures of him with men--in fact they're all with men. He has his arm around them. My imagination gets carried away, and I wish--a sick fantasy--of standing at the doorway and just "happening" to catch a glimpse, then a friend (female) of mine turns up, starts talking, and I put my hand over her mouth. Then we both start to leave, trying not to make noise, but accidentally kick something, which makes a sound, then we both start giggling, then run out. His wife sees us then starts to go into that room.....am I sick? Another outcome is that his wife isn't there; he just sees me running out, then....

WHY ENGLISH LYRICS TO FOREIGN SONGS?

I don't like translations of songs; they seldom sound right. Songs were meant to be sung in the language they were written in. With foreign, non-English speaking artists this always happens: a mediocre (in my opinion) version is sung on the radio because it's assumed no one in this country wants to hear anything other than English. I'm starting to learn Spanish now....maybe listen to Latin stations?

Couple interesting links:


I bought a tarot deck recently and found this site where various artists designed cards. Some of these are gorgeous.

Also, this site Stargods

I don't agree with all, but it's informative.

What I deal with every day in Manhattan

This town used to be a haven for artists and other sort of left types from around the world. There was always the conservative element, but you didn't have to look to hard. Or maybe it was always this way, I don't know. I don't remember being harassed daily, or witnessing harassment literally every second, back when I was a teenager like I do now. It just feels worse, unbearable. It's all frat boys on the street, or the black and Hispanic counterparts (I don't mean this in a biased way, it's just how it is), walking into women, literally, on the street, hovering over us/them, leering, pretending not to hear us (like when I ordered coffee today; call me paranoid, but I stated what I wanted clearly....), making comments, or just shouting us down whenever we make a point.....it goes on and on....no it feels worse than ever. Sorry, but it doesn't change from one class group to another. It's harder and harder to find any kind of genuine or interesting people here....it's all frat boys and models. Dare I say I hate it here, and this is the neighborhood I grew up in, that I used to love, that I was so happy to move to. I want to write something positive, but after getting badly screwed over this week by a number of guys, and.....the thing is, so many of these women seem or are completely oblivious to what is actually going on. Denial? That doesn't even begin to describe it. Is it a survival tactic? Are they blocking it out? But that just makes it feel even more defeating. In the West Village, where I grew up, I deal with this daily. Combine that with the stories of mass rape by soldiers in Iraq, by women from there.....and I was nearly assaulted, again, on the subway platform, last week. To their credit, the cops took this guy away. But I need to get out of here. This was the only town I wanted to live in and now I can't wait to leave.

KEEP AMERICA PRO CHOICE

I am so disturbed that we have to fight so hard just to keep abortion legal....this just in from NARAL (and you expect me to be fucking patriotic when the leaders of this nation are telling me what to do with my own body?):



As you celebrate your independence and freedom this week of 4th of July, one more candidate is about to enter the presidential race who is bent on taking away a woman's right to choose: Fred Thompson.

Thompson joins a cadre of candidates who are clamoring to out anti-choice each other.

Mitt Romney has said, "I am pro-life and I support pro-life legislation.... I think the Roe v. Wade one-size-fits-all approach is wrong."

Sen. John McCain, who has voted anti-choice 123 times out of 128 votes on choice, has said "I do not support Roe v. Wade. I think it should be overturned."

And Sen. Sam Brownback has gone so far as to promise that he "will commit to helping end abortion in America...."

Don't be fooled - Fred Thompson is no better. During his seven years in the U.S. Senate, he voted anti-choice 44 times out of 46 choice-related issues. He has called Roe v. Wade "bad law" and received a 100 percent voting record from the National Right to Life Committee.

Anything can happen between now and the nomination, so stay up-to-date about where the presidential candidates stand on women's freedom and privacy.

Visit our website to find out where all the presidential candidates stand and then forward this message to your pro-choice friends and family.

This 4th of July, don't miss the chance to celebrate your freedom and independence!
My best, Nancy KeenanPresident, NARAL Pro-Choice America
© 2007 NARAL Pro-Choice America ®. All rights reserved.
Paid for by NARAL Pro-Choice America, www.ProChoiceAmerica.org, and not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. NARAL Pro-Choice America is a non-profit organization.We respect your privacy and will not share your e-mail address.

July 4 Pix

I did a fucked up July 4 thing, some pix....

High School Druggie

I was so bad, such a brat. But typical. I was sixteen; what does anyone know?

I was militant. A neohippie. Sort of. That mixed with female drag queen, and....I don't know. New Wave? Punk? I never identified with the Sex Pistols and everyone around me worshipped them.

I dropped acid all the time. I'd trip to Led Zeppelin and Srt. Peppers. Later I found out this was .....occult music. And I was flipped out on it. No wonder I lost it, then, briefly.

But ultimately it led to change. Why should I regret it? I was miserable beyond words at Stuyvesant. I was a bad student, hated school and didn't care about college. I was a long way off from that track. I wanted to perform!

So I switched to an alternative high school, took acting lessons, and became an actress. And fooled around with -----, who I later found out....I can't write about this here (whisper: dug up a skull, literally)....but he was the only one I'd been with who I ever felt anything with sexually......

Then I realized it's twenty, thity years later and I discovered punk.....but never totally meshed with that culture.

Then radical cheerleading.....


I never returned to drugs. Though I would like to try E again.....

music video

I am watching them obsessively. That and, let's see, Tyra Banks, and the Wimbeldon matches on TV, like when I'm on the treadmill. Partly to get through it. I got really fascinated by tennis, and watched the match between Serena Williams and the Russian girl Henin, something like that. These are like Amazon women, cool.

So some of the videos: Michael Jackson's Thriller, Madonna, all of them! particularly I love the Papa Don't Preach, and....Gwen Stefani....Janet Jackson....the guy in that video looks like someone I fooled around with last year.

nice/harsh?

I've been feeling guilty, like I'm too harsh or something, with myself and others. I was thinking maybe I'm having a bad reaction to someone, people who give off "bad vibes" and I'm thinking, is it me? I'm trying, really trying, to be nice, more compassionate, unlike the mentality I was raised with: get what you can, anyone who does wrong, has to pay.....you pissed me off so now you're gonna get it, that kind of thing. I'm thinking maybe what I was raised with was over the top, wrong. I was getting my stuff out of the locker, and this woman was standing right in front of mine. I said, as nicely as I could, I just need to get in there and get my stuff. I said, I'll be thirty seconds. I had been thinking I'm mean because I'm not open enough with other women. This woman is like, "Sure! You can take four hours for all I care." It was shocking. Why are women so nasty? What the hell did I do? If I call them out on their behavior, they just turn it against me. I'm the one with the problem, I'm crazy, this or that. I'd been thinking, is it me? and trying to change. Is this psychological terrorism, or just bitchiness? Between what happened with the Street Harassment Project where all these women teamed up to get the founding member out.....sororities, all the backstabbing (to be honest) and bitchiness I've encountered everywhere, really, I want to be friendly with women but you know this is what I get every time. It's always about them having to one up me, be better, somehow, show me who's in charge here.....always, it turns into some kind of deadly power struggle. Even when they smile to my face. It's so hard, it's such work, it's endless.....men pit us against each other, too. It's impossible to go out in this city now without facing harassment from men on the street, or come-ons, or judgement somehow. And I'd been made to feel so awful, like I'm mean, harsh, jealous, ect. I'm trying so hard to be nice, but so far it's led me into still more pain. Where do I go from here?

Someone in SHP once wrote about how we struggle so hard for positive change only to be brutally stabbed in the back by people we're trying to help.....and how....harsh again, there are better people to save and we should run the scumbags over, something to that effect. I don't want to be mean. But sadly, I've found that the struggle in any attempt at social justice is in realizing you're dealing with people who are not perfect, who may not be all innocent. Does that mean they deserve to be oppressed? Of course not.

I want to be forgiving, I don't want to walk around with anger and bitterness, et al. But the new philosophy and mentality I want to live with is one of compassion, and any religion that teaches otherwise is not one I want to go near. Still, maybe some people are really not worth saving, maybe they do deserve revenge. I can't let myself be hurt and even destroyed by someone who only lives for herself, who will never know what my life is like or any thing about me whatever, and yet feels entitled to make a judgment call or....always, always it turns to this, try to dominate me. When I stand my ground and refuse to take it, they somehow disappear, then they see themselves as the victims. It's never them, always others.

There were someone women in the feminist movement who tried to suppress any criticism of other women, or dismiss it, saying that women are really in solidarity together and united against sexism, and that to depict women in a negative light means you're negative, or that it will tarnish their image to the world and make it harder for progress to occur....things like that. It means not criticizing or openly saying anything that makes them less than a shining example of goodness. Well, wrongful behavior is wrongful, no matter who it's coming from, and I can't accept it or be silent about it. I can't lie to myself or to the world. This is the truth about what we're dealing with. The thing is though, I see that becoming equally negative is not the answer, so do I have to be cruel to be kind? Enough with the guilt?

losing stuff

That last entry was a little harsh. But I really don't want to be in a relationship....maybe at one point I dreamt about a white picket fence but now.....?



As it is, I've lost my ipod, my shoes, and my coffee mug all within the past two days. I nearly lost my cell phone but got that back, at least.

attack of the single woman?

I'm drunk and tired and maybe not up to going into this here, but this is a response to the new Time Out article with the same title. Now, being single is a threat, too. It's not enough or ok to just live our own lives? To hide is a crime. The attack?

Let me tell you something: I am not in a relationship, I DON'T want one....can't conceive of one. "Fuck buddies" is a term invented by men, to get free sex, sans responsibility. Society does not oppress women, nor is it the media: something non-living can't oppress. Men oppress women, men value youth and beauty in women, not intelligence or integrity. Sadly, though...I have to admit, integrity is good, but face it, it's hard to feel attraction to someone who isn't at least marginally good looking.

My birthday is coming up. I am getting older, but I still think I'm fairly attractive. But women are still dominated by men. Relationship, the ones I've been in, are a form of slavery. Prostitutes are mostly freer than respectable women. I used to think there was hope, that men would change, that they weren't this bad, but sadly .....well I don't think they'll change. We're deluded. I'm much happier not in a relationship.

on another note

This is the best Thai restaurant, in my opinion, that I've been to in NYC. Check out Royal Siam on 8th Ave between 22 and 23rd....Manhattan.

Another is Veselka on 2nd ave and 9th....

paranoia?

Ever wonder why there's so much stupidity out there? So much misinformation? How every powerful statement is followed by by a tidal wave of junk? Think again....


Is it crazy or is it too close to the truth? Why deny what I feel, people already know.

Me performing, on a lighter note

Random stuff. Garrett had a party and Alex and I performed.....it went pretty well.

To start the week on a happy note....

Hamptons polluter, sad, because my mother has a house in the Hamptons. And this was so hard to read....warning, not for the squeamish. Still, there is hope. It's an uphill battle, but it's there. I believe that.

music

Now that I got my new ipod I have heard music for the first time in forever! I'm a huge fan of Dot Allison/One Dove and all that trancey stuff like Banco de Gaia. If people listen to that here en masse like they do in Europe it's news to me. I'm not into hip hop or grunge or hard rock or what the standard American Music is except for the ...well bands like the Violent Femmes or the Talking Heads.

..

Not to compare, but I prefer Dot Allison's stuff to Bjork maybe just because Bjork comes across as an annoying snot nose....plus her alleged remarks about feminism made me mad. But also Dot Allison's stuff sounds more.....painful or someting. I don't know....I want to "like" people but DA in this pic also has the stargods look....maybe the niceness is all an act.

I'm super drunk now. I passed out and dreamt of Candyland (a creepy game....when I got it as a birthday present around age two or so, the woman who bought it for me whispered to my mother, "It's really boring." My mother thought that was funny cause it's like, that goes without saying. But Candyland seems almost....evil. My friend said it's a child molester game.....

then I dreamt of f and s and f became s then turned into a cone head....

butts out

I went to Prospect Park today and, quite frankly, the experience was ruined because of people smoking. This one woman was on a horse and chain smoking--I could smell it a hundred feet away and it was asphyxiating. It's rude and inconsiderate--extremely. I wish the city would ban it, because I was really enjoying the trees and fresh air--the smell of green, but couldn't--couldn't breathe at all. I particularly can't stand cigarette smoking in the morning--I just think smoking is rude. Especially in parks where people are running and there are animals everywhere--who are very sensitive to smells. It's piggish. I am really sick of immature behavior in general; I've had to deal with my fair share of it this week and even worse I have to suffer because of other people....I am constantly having to fight for respect in general. Why do people feel entitled to treat me however they want but don't look at themselves in the mirror, at their own faults? No more of this.

I just had to get this off my chest. It needs to be said.

I've calmed down a little bit

I know my posts get intense, but I guess I'm an intense person. Life is the same.

But the rain has soothed me a little. Today was like an oven and my room was hotter than an oven, or at least felt like it. I'm on the west side of the apartment, and the sun beats down into my window after about 1PM. What I don't understand is why my room, and my side of the apartment, was so cold in the winter, and is now so hot in the summer. I like the heat, and shut my windows at night, but this was too much even for me. Plus, my fan broke.

But on another note, I got a new free ipod in the mail after the one I had broke. I started running in Prospect Park which is rough at times, because it's so hilly, but it's so nice to breathe in grass and trees, and the park is beautiful. When I lived around there 10 years ago it was dicey....there's a good and bad side to most things I suppose. I'm going to be part of a dance there....plus probably going to the Mermaid Parade.....SO psyched! Moby was at the last one.


Here are some pix from a recent crazy audition, and this was crazy. All of us waiting in the rain by the seaport....


this rain is so welcome. I need to get out and enjoy it a little, after roasting all day.

terrorism psychologiqe?

I've experienced that ad nauseum in my life; what is written about in "Feminist Revolution." I've been personally attacked, physically and mentally, insulted, sneered at and snubbed. The hostility and bad vibes could slice the air. Was it that I'm simply too smart, and know or say too much? If I were an idiot, would this ever have happened? I'm smart, strong, attractive and a survivor. I take responsibility for my own faults and failures and I'm working to change that. But after everything that happened in the past two years I am still here, functioning, and didn't capitulate, as is usually expected. That threatens certain people.....

Was I censored? Even at the age of seven, ten, eleven? I think maybe....maybe people are born with certain personalities.

another feminist link

awesome and true! The Irish women's day....


as over there, can be done here.

Women Unfree Will Never Be At Peace!

animal rights link

Awesome web site with a ton of info on how to help animals....mainly which companies do and do not test on them.

nice legs?

Tonight I came home to find my front door left open. My roommate is out so I was afraid to go in there alone. My phone ran out of juice completely and shut off. We've been having this problem for a year now of inadequate security in our apartment, the landlord has done jack, and there is crime in this neighborhood (this is Bed Stuy). This guy was walking right behind me tonight as I walked home. I moved aside to get away from him (my pet peeve is people walking too close to me, especially from behind, or else not moving to let me pass) so call me paranoid, but this guy stopped in front of this building two addresses down from me, that has been nothing but trouble since I moved into this area. These people hang around there who are totally seedy and it's scary. Imagine about the worst, and that's what these guys are like. I think the guy who lives there is a major asshole for bringing these people around, and he doesn't have a right to do that, or to bring this upon us, the neighbors. This same guy in the street tried to ask me where "---" was I didn't understand. "I don't know...." I said and walked away from him. I was ready to yell out of say, "Ask a man," but I didn't want to get into it. I called Garrett from a pay phone and asked him to call the cops if he didn't hear from me in ten minutes. The cops aren't my favorite people but in situations like this it's all I can really do.

So, thank Heaven, my cats were ok, the place was ok, no one was there. That took 30 minutes out of the night, though. I don't know who left the door open, probably an accident, but enough is enough. I can't live this way. A guy in the street yelled at me, "Hey, nice legs" as I went to call Garrett. Another guy was smirking at me. Yeah, my life, my blood is fucking amusing to you? I refuse to go another day like this. Maybe I will move to Cali if I stay in this decrepit slime fucking pit of a country. I'm done. I'm done. I've said this before, but these problems don't exist in Germany, in Egypt, in so many other places. Maybe it's worse elsewhere. But you hear about how a woman shouldn't go out after 1AM or else she's asking for it, that kind of thing. Granted, it's not smart, but the burden shouldn't be on us. There are other alternatives to not going out, not wearing a skirt, or whatever. It's fucking not acceptable. It needs to end. These men talked to me like I deserved this treatment. No more. I'm done with this.

continues

I'm so angry, at so many things. I go out, in a dress and heels, and the stares, the attention I get is more than I can handle. These....I don't want to stereotype and I really am not biased....but these girls and guys who are really ghetto are screaming....laughing loudly...where I am at the South Street Seaport. I hate loud laughing and talking. Maybe it's a cultural difference. Look, my family was poor, my grandmother grew up barely able to afford food or shoes, during the Depression. But people were well-spoken and well-read. Not to mention well-dressed and mannered. I know other people who grew up with very little money and yet they were well-educated and spoke good English, or Spanish. I just don't tolerate stupidity, vulgarity or bad breeding. I can't accept it. I guess just the way I was raised we were encouraged to learn, to not watch TV, to aim for progress. This is what I was taught by my parents and the role models I had, the same ones we all had. None of this was a secret, it was out there for everyone to see and hear.

Ok I'm irritable, now. This guy kept leering at me in the street while I was on my way to an audition, and I lost it. "Don't bother me!" I screamed at him. Why do these men think they have a right? I was hungry and tired. I finally found a place selling veggie burgers, fries and cocktails, to go. But there were people everywhere and nowhere to eat....I can't eat in crowded places. It was raining, my umbrella broke, but I finally climbed the stairs and found a quiet spot. So now I'm waiting for my audition time. I still want to socialize. I love going to auditions but I just wanted to fall asleep, earlier. Now, I feel insatiably hungry. It's a vampire syndrome? My moon sign is Virgo, and sun sign Leo. Virgo moon is a tough one. We're just not a content, easygoing lot. I'm always critical, of myself and others. I'm never at ease. I'm not happy, all that much. I find fault, everywhere. I tried raspberry tea but it tasted awful....I took one sip and threw the rest in the sink. Walks? Yoga? I ate French fries and a whole chocolate bar today. Guilt. I can feel the fat piling on. But in this neighborhood there's not much in the way of healthy. Pretty soon my audition time will come up....actually not pretty soon. I brought a book, called Loose Change, by Sara Davidson. The characters are pretty conventional but it's entertaining, kind of like Jane Austen in the 60s. I'm going on a spin here.....


What is there here that's non fattening and vegetarian? Cole slaw? That has mayonaise. This is the dilemma I deal with every day. I'm not naturally thin. It's a struggle, all the time.

not sociable?

When I went on that DC trip, a drinking get together had been arranged for a bunch of us, in which we toured the bars and Georgetown. It was agonizing for me. All these people were sharks, all of them had knives out, with which they planned to stab me. They all had an agenda. "I don't trust anybody," said Garrett once. There is real malevolence out there. There is a book called In Defense of Paranoia. I know I should be trusting. But I felt like a scrub brush; alienated and miserable. I ended up splitting from the group after my earring was lost, and then crying. I sat in this park by the river, with no kleenex, and finally went into a movie theater to get some. Some people were concerned. It's good to know there are a few decent people in the world. But at that party, everyone--these guys were all hard core beer drinkers and really aggressive and none of the girls would talk to me....at least that's how it felt at first. This one girl, British but originally from Germany, gave off the worst vibes--and there was something hard, edgy about so many of them. I think maybe this same girl later tried to be friendly. But it was too late. Once something or someone sets me off, I get vindictive and angry. That's just the way I am. This one older Chinese woman asked me if I was ok. I need people, company, as much as anyone....I am vulnerable....but don't want to show it. I don't want people to know I need them. I don't, I can't trust people. I have been brutally stabbed in the back. I know better. I am hard, cynical, maybe for good reason. I am angry. I don't trust women or men.

Maybe I'm a whiner. But large crowds and gatherings can terrify me, especially these "bar" beer drinking get togethers. The men are aggressive, and I've been so hurt by men, over and over....insulted, degraded, stamped into a corner. Women are bad too, in different ways. It's like there's nowhere I can go. I don't know who to trust and who not to trust. I know I shouldn't feel this way, we're taught to be loving and open....but it's not always that simple. I'm going on a rant. I grew up an only child. I wasn't raised around a lot of people my own age. I am used to having a lot of space to myself, and privacy. I'm not a group person. I can't stand people staring into my eyes and walking into me, which happens all the time in this town. I am realizing now the damage done to me, though, by mostly men. It's like the same ugliness over and over. I've had problems with women; mainly women who are devoted to these same men and who stand by them, defend them. It all comes down to the same thing: conservatism. Or is it? No, I don't believe in Mr. Right or relationships and I, right now, never want another one. Men cheat, most of them, or eventually want to move on. Men still dominate women, still control them. People, women, let men off the hook and blame society, or "the media" but society and media are comprised of people and dominated by men. There's a statement by Redstockings: "Institutions do not oppress; they are merely tools of the oppressor." Most women aren't radical. Most of them defend men. Progress is agonizingly slow, for that reason.

Winter pix

This is from the 07 anti war march, which I got to the tail end of. I dressed up like a cheerleader for the hell of it and went, wondering if I'd run into any cool people. I showed up and the Missile Dick Chicks and Billionaires for Bush were there. I miss the days of cheering and protesting in the streets. I want the summer of 04 to come back. I miss all the other activists.

But as it was, it was freezing, I didn't see any cheerleaders, and I was barely held together in this outfit. All these kids from the projects laughed at the way I looked. This winter sucked, and I wished for warm weather and finally got it. I wish I could connect with more interesting people, something to work on for summer.





















My two kitties, this winter.

DC Trip from Hell

This is me on line waiting for the bus




At least on the way back. We waited about an hour and a half, standing on the hot street, for the bus. Then, it was packed. People just kept getting on and getting on, not off. Then, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, I was thinking to myself about one of these buses going from Chicago to NYC that crashed, and in which two people died and several others were injured. I started to panic. Right then, there was a loud bang, and a bunch of people were oohing and ahhing. Turns out, a tire popped. So the driver pulled us over to the side of the road. We were told we had to stay on the bus and wait for the police or else he'd get a ticket. How long til the police arrive? He said about 45 minutes to an hour. I ....get very claustrophobic and...I mean, it's ridiculous. Plus, I had to pee this whole time. People were asking about refunds, and we were finally told we'd get nothing. Shit happens, said the driver. Finally, the cops arrived, and we were told to stay on the bus. A little later, we were allowed off to stretch out. So we all hung out on the grass, and people were smoking. Then, I actually would have almost welcomed a cigarette. Or else green. I haven't smoked in about three years. The tire was eventually fixed, and off we went again....and I ended up in NYC around 2am. I fell into bed after three sips of wine. A voice in my head had told me not to go back that night, I should have listened. I thought I had to return, but I didn't. I love DC and had fun, and staying in the hostel was actually pleasant. Maybe I shouldn't have left. Next time I won't, maybe.



Me at the hostel

The guy in the red shirt is the driver who was a complete nut job. He took out some kind of stick or wheel lock and told us he'd beat anyone who got out of place with it. When I went to get my book out of my suitcase outside the bus, I saw him standing over me holding it. I explained what I was doing, and he went away. I believe he was joking, I guess, it was all so confusing. People were joking and laughing by then.

Finally, me on the bus. I started to sweat, and I always lose shit when traveling, no matter how hard I try to stay on top of things. I lost earrings, a necklace, my phone....that's what I can remember for now.

and I got outta there

I'm in DC now, for a night or two. I love it down here I am so happy to get away and the warm weather has done wonders for my spirits. All the stress and anxiety you understand better once you're removed....


It's super sunny and hot a miracle really the kind of heat where you feel like you're roasting slowly....but it's far less crowded and hectic and the people seem for the most part decent. I am staying in a hostel and avoiding going up to the room where I'll be sleeping, because I don't want to sleep in a room with 10 strangers in it....that kind of thing makes my hairs rise up......but every other thing I tried this time didn't work out. Considering I won't be sleeping much there's no point in booking anything really luxurious. I'll survive. Thing is, I need to have the room hot when I sleep or else I get sick....and I have a feeling the AC will be going. I brought a space heater because it gets cold at night and the draft bothers me.....well....I know from past experiences to be prepared!

I also indulged, big time, in some clothes. You know, money that "should" go for something else....a noble cause like animal shelters I spend on decadence, vanity--but vanity won this time. I am decadent, irresponsible?

I need this. Sun therapy. I like it here a lot. I hope to spend more time down here, not just here though of course. I still want to do Latin America, and I miss Egypt as well. I really do. I miss my friends there, and the life I had. Also California....South Africa....all that staring at the map and longing, longing....

but I found out some depressing news. Someone "from my past" who I thought was safely removed from my life.....is going to a "private party" in my town, NYC, well I know what that means. Not only that, someone I can't stand is going to be there. Actually it already happened. It's the same story every time. But I won't go into it...

Simone de Beauvoir wrote about love being a sterile hell as the ultimate salvation....if I have a daughter I'll teach her that....better not to walk in with blinders on....

but enough of that for now....back outside into whatever I encounter next...

Going out in NYC

is no longer possible to be a positive experience. Because first of all, I have to deal with men in the street leering at women, making comments, turning every last one of us into objects, and nothing is ever done about it and it is never questioned, these men are never punished. Men staring at women in the streets, like they're drunk, sick, I'm sick of them--it's killing me, I think about killing them. Any woman who wears a dress, who does her hair or makeup, wears high heels--these are the main targets. If you're attractive, you're inviting it. I think many of these men are staking out their next victims, seeing who will fight them the least. You hear all this talk about "beauty standards" and "society" and "media" or even pornography putting pressure on women to make themselves into fantasy sex objects, wear high heels, skirts, makeup, but what it comes down to is it's men. Society, media are abstract things created by human beings: almost overwhelmingly men. Men pressure women to wear uncomfortable clothes, makeup, hair spray....and punish anyone who doesn't conform. Every minute of every day I have to deal with this barrage of assault, this overwhelming sense of entitlement, from men in the streets.

But I'm not letting women off the hook, either. "Rich cunts" is the term Henry Miller was using....."cunt" is not a nice word despite some feminists' efforts to reclaim it. But people aren't always nice. I had to transfer trains in the Carroll Gardens section of Brooklyn, and I hate being there, hate it. It put me in a really bad funk. I want to stay positive, but in this atmosphere it's a struggle to see straight most of the time. The energy is horrid....all these Republicans, all these conservative women it's religious with them, really, it's sexual in a way. Maybe they're seeking approval from their fathers, maybe it's narcissism.... I'm not going to whitewash now....it's true. What would drive a man to make a law saying a random woman whom he has never met, who he doesn't care if she lives or dies, can't have an abortion? Why so much energy spent on protecting a primitive life form, and valuing that over a grown woman? The reason is control. Same with keeping prostitution illegal. I could go on and on. I'm not attacking everyone. But certain people are guilty. Women oppress women, they sell other women out. This is the dirty secret feminists don't want to let out--women's barbaric treatment of one another. My friend was telling me how these girls in her private school once locked her in the bathroom....but it's more than that. They want a leader, authority figure, maybe, someone to worship? Maybe that's part of it....

But I shouldn't say this stuff. What is the solution? I have read enough Ann Coulter to recognize hate, and reverse hate isn't a solution.....

but I can't go on in this environment and hold it together. I can't live with constant invasion of my personal space, the "hostile environment" of men leering at women and pressuring them for sex or plotting ways to stake out their next victim, because well I can't I won't tolerate it. What's wrong is wrong. Why is it illegal for them to do it in the office but not in subway stations? I can't live this way. It's eroding my health. And this "takeover" going on in the city; the artistic venues disappearing or under pressure--to become beer halls or upscale restaurants and even Bluestockings being stocked with watered-down pseudo-feminist or non-political books because....some women may be offended by anything too hard core....

this is suffocating me. I need a change. I can't stay here. I would die if I had to live in Carroll Gardens--not the Carroll Gardens of old, the Italian neighborhood, but of now--the high-rent, "yuppie" atmosphere I don't want to go on a negative rant....but what can I say? It's how things are. Even the techno clubs....no techno is bad, it incites people to take drugs and have gay sex....

Pro-choice is not just about abortion rights

It's about a woman's right to do what she wants with her body, or any two consenting adults, without government interference.

That includes selling it for cash.

They're all the same to me.
Did the female suffragists make prostitution illegal? Many well-meaning feminists contributed to it, probably to stop the sex slave trade.

Look how far it got us.

Keeping prostitution illegal on moral grounds violates the First Amendment of the Constitution: separation of church and state.

Disgusting


France, how could you have let this happen? The fact that this MF has come into charge is a terrifying threat to women's rights, minority rights, workers' rights, all the hard-won health and child care benefits in France....let's hope there's no domino effect. I'm so upset.

Really, how could this happen? Who voted for this guy?

Street Harassment Summit

Today there was this Street Harassment Summit on the lower east side that I went to. I met up with the girls from Hollaback and other women. It was really cool to see that there are so many others who feel the same way I do. Cause it's BAD now I mean bad here. So much that I was wanting to move. I was walking home the other night around 6AM and this guy was walking on the same block I live on. He was yelling at me, "Hey! Hey!" He was also very menacing. There were a couple more similar incidents. This is one advantage of having a roommate, because last night I ended up calling her as I was walking home, around 3AM. I usually take cabs but tonight I decided not to, because for the most part things had been calm around here--but then summer started and it's true what they say: the guys want to hang out in the streets more and one thing leads to another. My roommate agreed to wait at the window for me, which helped. At this point I don't know if it's good for me to live alone. I keep saying this city is basically safe except for occasional incidents, but other times I feel differently. But either way, we're made into objects every time we go out and I don't even remember it being this bad when I was in high school. It's all part of something larger......that I have to find out.

I was wrong

Some of my past behavior, like in the last few years, I'm not proud of. I really am grateful to those who meant to help. But what is over is over.

This girl I know just moved into a co-op building and I'm so envious. It's very quiet, safe, peaceful and inexpensive. My mother keeps wanting me to apply for these places. But there's an up and a down side to everything. Where I am, I have a back yard and the cats can go in and out. It means I can have them out of my hair once and a while.

The ideal living situation--does it exist?

I was thinking about what Simone de Beauvoir wrote about when she described the ennui, the boredom, of the upper middle classes, Hollywood, the "tiresome duties." Because she nailed it: I used to be dragged out to Mother and Sonny's house in the Hamptons and the boredom out there is overwhelming--it just enveloped...well me anyway....like a rape. Harsh, you can say, but that's what it felt like. The boredom of people with too much money, too much time on their hands, and no real creativity or intelligence. I mean, what is the point of a 15 room mansion? Seriously....

I could never rest easy if my money came at the expense of others. I couldn't enjoy it. It would always be in the corner of my eyes. The people I went to junior high with, who gave me so much shit about my animal testing protests--it's like, they don't care. They don't care about anyone except themselves, and believe that is the right way to live. Maybe that's what is written about on that Stargods Web site--sociopaths, people with no empathy. Am I too daring writing about this? I've heard their sentiments over and over again, my whole life.

I decided to mess around today and go for a walk around Columbia University. I just needed to get out of the Village where I am every day and to a place where I don't have to deal with harassment from men. So I took the A to 125th and just started walking. It's very bizarre, that area. Part of it is so incredibly boring, another part is absolutely gorgeous. I love Harlem: it has so much history.

I came across a demonstration that depressed me, about Huntingdon Life Sciences


and their connection with the NYSE and Euronext. The paper I worked for wrote about them every day.

This has to be stopped.

men are disgusting slimy pigs

I have to remember there are some decent men in the world. But there are too many who aren't. I can't go out and have a good time at night because I and every other female have to deal with these guys who are trying to "score" --the aggressiveness--basically having to ward off unwanted advances. There's all this talk about sexual harassment in the workplace-- some people still try to call it harmless flirting--but it's everywhere. I don't even want to call it "street harassment" because it's sexual harassment--the same thing. I'm emotionally warped because of it. I'm mad. I walk around in this state when I should be doing other things with my time. Whether it's happening to me or someone else is not the point it's that it's happening period. Whether it's a guy getting out of a car going, "Pretty ladies!" or men in groups trying to stop us, "lines" it's enough, enough. I don't even want to go out anymore. I don't remember dealing with these extremes when I was younger, in high school. I was thinking about it, and I believe there is a reason the Street Harassment Project started when it did--as there are no coincidences. It's the Central Park incident--interesting how all this anti-woman aggression happens in parks, where people go for relaxation and "outdoor therapy"--but a sign of the times, and there's a reason it started in New York City. Because here there are people crammed together in small spaces, and one of the drawbacks of nice weather is that people want to hang around and unwind, outdoors, lay back--and check out all the babes. It's not fun and flirting, it's a method of control and intimidation. The problem is....women are responsible for women's oppression as well, but that's another topic I don't have time to go into. I know, I've heard the pro-woman line and I see the logic, but I'm sorry it is true--women oppress women. It's not only women doing it but it's reality. Like the women who took over SHP, kicked out the founding member, and....according to some....pretty much diluted the original message, made it non-political, and even, to an extent (my opinion anyhow) infused it with a new kind of class bias . Whether that was deliberate or not is anyone's guess. This is my take on how things went down, but I'm not going to deny what I feel. SHP was supposed to be a safe space for women and I, and other women, didn't feel safe there.

more on this later....

NY incident

My friend and I were walking down St Marks around 2 AM. This guy approached us, one of these Williamsburg/Ramones types with stringy black hair and tight black jeans. He said, "Excuse me....uh....I'm ....re..e...e....a...ally disoriented......uh.....can you....spare some change...?" We both said in unison, "I don't have any change, sorry." He walked of saying, "Stupid fucking yuppie bitches."

Ironic because both of us are about as far from being "yuppies" as it's possible to get. One of my heroes is Joe Strummer. I was called a JAP by the punks I knew when I was in junior high because I didn't dress punk. This one time my friend and I went into one of these 8th street shops and a girl with her face plastered in makeup and eyeliner started yelling at me...."JAPPIE!!!! Get out of here!" I grew up poor. All her makeup must have cost money, not to mention her $300 Doc Martins....

Do people distort stuff?

For anyone who needs some cheering up

http://abcnews.go.com/US/LegalCenter/wireStory?id=2657500


I don't suggest the above article. In case you're wondering what some of our brave boys are up to overseas.....

From Desiree Alliance

End Demand Fact Sheet
A coalition of advocates and sex worker rights organizations have produced materials critiquing "end demand" style programming. Proponents of "end demand"-style programming such as "John's Schools" or increased arrest of clients of prostitution, claim that the measures only punish the men who purchase sex and protect women who sell sex. However, programs working with sex workers across the United States have found that intensive "end demand" programs increase law enforcement activities against all people in public space. Furthermore, these programs allow conservatives to channel hard won social service funding into policing efforts. This downloadable fact sheet cites research that illustrates the real results of "end demand" programming. We were able to do this analysis and produce these fact sheets via a grant from the Urgent Action Fund in early 2006. Groups involved in developing analysis of changes in the Trafficking Victims Protection Reauthorization Act include: the Desiree Alliance, Sex Workers Outreach Project-USA (SWOP-USA), the Woodhull Foundation, Bayswan, Best Practices Policy Project and local service providers in the District of Columbia. Below is the fact sheet. You can download the fact sheet here as a Word document. You can view the text of the End Demand legislation here. You can download the End Demand legislation here as a Word document.
Initiatives to “end demand” for prostitution harm women and undermine service programs
The Bush Administration is aggressively pushing the idea of ending demand for prostitution, claiming that programs oriented toward an “end to demand” are evidence- and rights-based, protecting “vulnerable” women and girls exploited by men. For example in December 2005 new provisions about “ending demand for commercial sexual services” were incorporated into the Re-authorization Act of the Trafficking Victims Protection Act (TVPA).[1] In reality these programs do not stop men from seeking sexual services, but rather, they harm women and channel social service funding into policing efforts. This frequently harms sex workers by pushing them, and their clients, to adopt strategies that heighten their risk for violence, HIV, and more.[2]
What are “end demand” programs?
Typically when people speak about “ending demand” they are referring to a range of efforts such as diversion programs in the court system and increased policing of men often accompanied by the imposition of new laws. Diversion programs such as “Johns’ Schools” and public shaming campaigns (i.e. naming people caught for solicitation on bill boards or on websites) are thought to deter men who might consider purchasing sexual services, thus “ending demand.” These programs are often developed in tandem with heightened policing of poor neighborhoods where sex workers reside and work, in order to enforce anti-prostitution laws. These policies are construed as “progressive” because rather than targeting and policing sex workers, they instead target anyone, including clients and organizations working with sex workers. The new legislation thus “punishes” men while “helping women,” an approach developed by Swedish conservative legislators and feminists in the 1980s. Claims have been made that sex workers are provided health care and training in other forms of work with the funds obtained from arresting men (i.e. fines). Police also claim that they arrest fewer women because they are focusing on male clients of sex workers.
Do these programs work?
Proponents of end demand style programming claim that they reduce prostitution without harm to sex workers, deterring men from purchasing sexual services and helping women.[3] Swedish proponents claim that criminalization “will affect relations between women and men in the direction of greater gender equality.”[4] They also that claim statistics on reduction of arrests of both sex workers and their clients prove these programs are working and improving the lives of women and girls. Evaluations of end demand style programs reveal a very different picture:
· Prostitution in general is not reduced by “Swedish style legislation” and sex workers are made more vulnerable to violence. An evaluation of Sweden’s legal experiment concluded that it did not greatly reduce the number of women engaging in street sex work: figures from Stockholm show that the total number of women on the street remained stable from 1999-2003.[5] However, the report found that during this period street sex workers were increasingly exploited, pressured to reducing prices and to provide unprotected sex.
· Highly touted end demand style programs, such as “Johns’ Schools,” have little or no deterrent effect above and beyond the effect of arrest and criminal proceedings.[6] One study found that before and after participating in the program, 1 in 10 men said that they would likely seek commercial sex services again. This rate is 4 times higher than the officially reported recidivism rate of 2.4%.[7]
Rather these programs end up targeting and arresting clients who are poor, people of color and immigrants.[8] These men plead guilty even though many of them may not have been doing anything illegal at the time of arrest and would have been found not guilty had they gone to trial.
· End demand programs rely on fear tactics that endanger women’s safety. Researchers observing Johns Schools in action found that presenters cautioned participants that “drug addicted prostitutes… have stabbed their clients with AIDS infected needles”[9] as a way of “scaring men straight.” Consequently sex workers are portrayed as violent, dangerous and diseased, thus increasing stigmatization and making prostitutes more vulnerable to violence.
· End demand programs that are financed by “user fees” paid by participants lead to corruption and conflicts of interest between the police and NGO service providers. Often funds obtained by arresting people are insufficient or are used by the city for other purposes. Research shows that close relationships between policing and funding undermine service providers’ accountability to communities served. In one case, numerous police joined the board of directors of an NGO overseeing a Johns School program. Eventually a police representative became Chair of the board. The researchers noted that “[s]ince the social service organization’s financial welfare depends… on the number and volume of prostitution offenders diverted to the ‘John School’ programme [sic], and given that this volume largely depends on the level of prostitution enforcement, it becomes apparent how… considerable conflicts of interest can arise.”[10]
What can you do to help sex workers in your area?
We are a coalition of sex workers, service providers, advocacy groups and concerned community members who are concerned that “end demand” style programming is undermining service provisions for women in need. We are also concerned that all people engaging in commercial sex (men, women and trans-people) be provided with real social support. If you are concerned about these issues we ask that you join us by contacting representatives of the following organizations in our coalition:
Desiree Alliance, http://www.desireealliance.org/
Sex Workers Outreach Project http://www.swop-usa.org/
Best Practices Policy Project, http://www.bestpracticespolicy.org/
[1] See complete text here.
[2] For example, carrying condoms can be cause for arresting someone for prostitution. Condoms are needed to practice safe sex, yet policing policy makes this practice problematic.
[3] The developer of the John’s School program, Norma Hotaling of SAGE, claimed that 98% of men going through the program were “rehabilitated” (Jerome and Rowlands, 1998).
[4]Working Group of the Legal Regulation of Sexual Services, 2004, Purchasing sexual services in Sweden and the Netherlands: Legal regulation and experiences: pp14-15
[5] Working Group of the Legal Regulation of Sexual Services, 2004, Purchasing sexual services in Sweden and the Netherlands: Legal regulation and experiences:
[6] Wortley, S., Fischer, B., & Webster, C. (2002). Vice lessons: A survey of prostitution offenders enrolled in the Toronto John School Diversion Program. Canadian Journal of Criminology, 3(3), 227-248: 394. Monto, Martin A. and Steve Garcia. 2001. "Recidivism Among the Customers of Female Street Prostitutes: Do Intervention Programs Help?" Western Criminology Review 3 (2). [Online]. Available: http://wcr.sonoma.edu/v3n2/monto.html.
[7] Wortley, Op.Cit: 389
[8] Fischer, B. , Wortley, S., Webster, C., Kirst, M. (2002). The Socio-Legal Dynamics and Implications of Diversion: The Case Study of the Toronto 'John School' for Prostitution Offenders. Criminal Justice, 2(4), 385-410: NEED PAGE #.
[9] Wortley, Op.Cit: 373.
[10] Fischer, Op. Cit: 393.

Desiree Alliance is a coalition of sex workers, health professionals, social scientists, professional sex educators and their supporting networks. We seek to encourage a better understanding of human sexuality by promoting ethical and unbiased research into sexual subcultures; to promote saner and more sensible approaches to policies relating to adult sexual health and behavior. We use this information to educate and empower the public to have healthy and rational attitudes about sexuality.
Desiree Alliance is a Project of Social and Environmental Entrepreneurs (SEE), a 501(c)(3) non-profit.

I don't know

if these men are innocent or guilty. I don't know the situation. Maybe I'll never know. But there's a strong likelihood that-- if it wasn't these men it was someone else--somewhere someone was assaulted and the perps got away with it. It happens. It's all part of the backlash. It's overwhelming. Every time I step outside I have to face this.

The Duke Case

I don't know what went on here, if she was or wasn't raped (apparently she was, just it's unknown by whom) but those Lacrosse players, or at least (shit I forgot his name) the big one, he is a pompous asshole in my opinion, and it's completely wrong to go after the District Attorney and say he "fabricated" rape charges or whatever he did.

I'm so mad about this. Whether or not these guys did it, it makes me think that I could be raped or killed out there, and it's likely nothing will be done about it.

My friend said in her neighborhood these frat boys desecrate the streets every night, throwing beer bottles, pizza, knocking over trash cans, screaming at the top of their lungs. Or a bouncer in the club scene talked about these guys who "come in here and throw their money around...." and that he had to break up 20 fights in three days. What is happening here? Has it always been this way? What can I do?

I love my sister, but I'm mad that she chooses to associate with these people. It's the environment she grew up in, I guess.

he is eating chicken wings in slow motion

tries to button his pants. The button pops off because he's gained so much weight. There's a half-drunk pitcher of beer on the table....he starts to cry.

The Christina Aguilera song "Beautiful" is playing....

He said,

How did you feel, the last time we were together?

I said, it was good, but I was a little afraid at times, like I didn't know what you were going to do.

He said, well, to be honest, it's kind of a turn on that you were afraid.


I need to stop thinking about D, but I still have feelings for him although I am really, really mad at him. He did "trap" me. He got away with it.


But in any event, it looks like I will be going somewhere: LA LA LA yippie! I have to brush up on my driving....

Beat It

I've become obsessed with music videos, and have been watching the above mentioned one over and over. It's fascinating to me, and superbly acted. Love it, love it.

Others worth mentioning: Madonna/Britney Spears Me Against the Music, Gwen Stephanie What You Waiting For, Hollaback Girl, Madonna Sorry, Maroon 5....well, Adam Levine is cute so, for that reason.


I read Indymedia on the way home on the train and maybe I need to read something else. It's relentlessly grim. I'm glad Bush was greeted by protest after protest: I have to hand it to people in their ability to organize, against obstacles, in the face of other people's wrongdoing. But it's depressing to read about all the money that the US has given to these fascist and corrupt military dictatorships and to think anyone would support that----it just put me in a really foul mood. So I'm mad but it all makes sense; because every day I brush up against people whose energy is just in plain English horrid. I see, in certain people, the same narcissism, year after year and realize they'll never change. These are all the same people who created the Iraq war and Halliburton....what is it: narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy? There was another article about how a squat, or something like that, in Denmark was brutally raided and the people evicted....all of which has been protested throughout Europe and a thousand or so people have been arrested....I could go on about this when I have more time--just that there's something really, really wrong going on here. Conspiracy? I can't say definitely, but look what happened to the Street Harassment Project. I don't know all the reasons I only know the ....manipulation that went on, I don't know yet....but somehow all this intense energy was snuffed out. I felt terribly alienated in my last days there, out in the wilderness, it's hard to describe, maybe because it was winter, but the whole atmosphere was bleak. Something went really, really wrong there. But this is for another article.

On to another topic: another place I recommend visiting in my neighborhood is Connetitcut Muffin, on the corner of Myrtle and Waverly. They make fabulous lattes, muffins (including lowfat) and have a wide selection of alternative news. Go, go, if you're in the area.