Summer is the time for optimism

I love summer and never want it to end. I like hot sun, tank tops, flip flops, the city, food cooking at all hours, the element of danger all of which is NYC in the summer. I remember the summer I left for England and how much I missed the heat and skimpy clothes....cause in London I couldn't believe it was August and people were wearing winter coats at night. And Scotland, forget it.

It's already past the first week in August, getting around to the anniversary of last year, a very decrepit time in my life......but I pulled myself out......still I will miss this warm weather. This time of year is very profound to me. I hate winter, hate the cold.....and in the Midwest where I grew up it was truly hell. Bad enough that I was in that town but to top it off the cold was merciless.....and I don't miss that. Maybe I will go to Egypt or California or wherever it's warm and crazy, come November/December.

The summer before 9/11 I was living in Hoboken--the land of designer bags and shoes and that's pretty much the entire culture there. And back then I never wore makeup or nice shoes and was always active, walking up and down the mountain I lived on, or around the city, a tom boy but I can't say I didn't suffer for it. I was always feeling unattractive, though looking back I realize I was gorgeous and didn't know it, but I didn't feel that then. I was scruffy. I was listening to Basement Jaxx.....and John Digweed's Global Underground Los Angeles CD (I didn't have an ipod I know I"m really behind the times) and so I associate that music with the period before, in my "other life." It had been an amazingly good year for me in which I made a decent chunk of cash after two years of poverty and suffering. Kind of hard to explain, but I went through a kind of catharsis....but anyway, so I had had some cash, was going occasionally to Twilo.....and my neighbor was talking about getting ready for fashion week.

confusion

There's a line in a film (I will decline to say which one....OK.....JFK) that goes something like, "We're through the looking glass. Black is white and white is black."

I'm experiencing that now. I'm seeing that things aren't as simple as I had thought even 24 hours ago. Some bizarre things have happened to me. Twice today the number 666 sprang up at me, don't laugh: on the treadmill when I put my new CD in, as in, 666 calories per hour due to the numbers I had plugged in; and then when I made a trip to the nearby bodega looking for conditioner as I was out. I looked in 3 different stores and.......every time I go outside, this being a problem most women face, I get sexually harassed. Today I was really mad, and I wanted to really attack these men. Not only that, if these men are in the company of other women, I imagine they're hurting the women emotionally, probably scarring them for life. I am not going to make excuses for bad behavior even if it is part of someone's culture; well, unlearn it. Some people may call me xenophobic or racist or something, and I detest those kinds of attitudes, so I never want to be that. But I won't turn a blind eye from someone doing something wrong, and when I really get angry (it runs in my family on both sides) I feel my heart start beating faster and the blood rush to my face and it's a really bad feeling, as well as holding it back. I think so much of street harassment is power: that these men know they can get away with it: they play on women's anger, defenselessness really; because in these situations I feel their power over me, knowing I can't turn to anyone, not the police, not other people on the street, like I'm backed into a corner. I hear all the time people saying women shouldn't walk around alone after dark, but really these men see it as their God-given right to attack any woman who comes their way, alone or not. Though I have to admit, wearing a skirt, a short one, attracts this stuff in hordes; I mean I have gotten harassed when I was covered up but I don't think it was anything of this magnitude. I was thinking, what if it were against the law and these men could actually be fined every time they harass a woman?

So, I finally found a store selling conditioner, and I bought that plus three candles, cause I like to sit in candlelight at night to wind down. The cashier rung it up and it was $6.66. I stared at the numbers and she kind of laughed, like it was funny. I thought it was disgusting. I bought the stuff then threw it in the trash. I'll try to see the humor in it but at the time I was really upset, and I didn't want to let that on. I don't understand WHY this is happening to me.


On another note, I'm slowly getting into Willa Cather. I read on the subway now, that's the best time for me.

My friend said

That he would, if he could, go to the airport and ask the clerk, whatever is the next plane leaving, to wherever, put me on it.

Mozart's Zauberflote is playing now.....I found the words and translated them. I used to be obsessed with Mozart, like a pop performer in his day (er war ein Punker und er libte in der grossen Staadt.......)

I've been neglecting German for two years almost and need to get back on it. I ran into my old German teacher downtown the other day.....talk about serendipitous. I want to go back to Paris too.

So he's gone and I miss him and can't stop thinking about him I know it's sad and maybe he's a paychopath (though I'm starting to doubt it) but I'm jealous too because he's in Fiji with the giant tentacled whatever they ares and I'm stuck in hot, tourist trap NYC. But I love summer, and tank tops. I don't love getting harrassed every time I step outside, though. And that's the problem any female faces going outside. I must say, I think it intensifies when I'm wearing a skirt, big time. I get such bad vibes and I feel my heart start pounding and I feel so angry and really want to hit these guys.....but I've learned from experience that only makes it worse; they retaliate, or lie and say I harassed them. Talk about psychopath.......

Yes I was reading about Robert Ramirez and Ted Bundy and what fascinates me is how these kinds of people can so effectively deceive so many people. I freaked out in the dark last night, afraid that their ghosts would come after me. I got up, shrieked and turned on the light, trying not to wake my roommate. But these people blend in with the rest of society. That is what I want to understand.


I'm also reading Willa Cather for the first time, and I find this book My Antonia to be a little bizarre. I can't decide if I like it or not. I'm at the part where the older Bohemian guy kills himself and these people act so wierd, like the guy building his coffin is very upbeat as he goes about it. Then, none of the cemetaries will take his body cause he killed himself. Also, I get impatient with long winding descriptions of nature, like all the plants and animals even though I love animals I just am not obsessed with trees.......

he said

I fantasize about raping you pinching your nipples pulling off your panties and forcing you.....I said have you had these fantasies about anyone else and he said no. He said I wouldn't really rape someone I'm not a "real" rapist. I wouldn't know, I hope I never do. I said if you felt that way why didn't you do it? And he said, because it's illegal. I said, if it were not would you do it? He said I don't really want to hurt anyone. Then he said I fantasize about you sucking me with tears in your eyes it's a turnon that you're afraid.......

I saw these books on his shelf that said "My First Wedding" there were about four of them and I asked him if he's getting married.........

False alarm.......it's his friend. Why do I keep going there? There's no reason I have to. Maybe I shouldn't. But a part of me can't help it, almost. I'm so numb now my throat hurts it's the strangest feeling almost.....religious or something. Simone de Beauvoir wrote "the dream of annihilation is actually an avid will to exist" and that applies to this situation the "love religion." Or the saint "down on her knees receiving the Holy Spirit" something like the phallic imagery of lightning, the "thunderbolt of Christ." Yes, I've earmarked that chapter "The Woman in Love." Or what she notes as the similarity between religious hymns and erotic songs........"my Adored One my Lord and Master....." so this was 1947.......how much has changed?

I decided to start naming the men in my life after venomous snakes: he's Copperhead. That is a good one for him, huh? I see it as a compliment in a way.

He said I want to come in your mouth will you let me or should I force you in her mouth then she tasted it the worst like super concentrated salt water it went down her throat a gag reflex she began to spit then sprung her head free.......spit it out.....it was everywhere........"what happened?" he said.......


later on he was laughing "you bit my dick...."

But he's leaving and already I wish he were here. I don't think he'll ever read this.

Personal purging

So I've gone back to my "time to myself" and creative work which has been lacking lately, and it's been really tough for me. All this stuff I've suppressed is surfacing. I'm really nervous now, about a couple things. I'm really stressed right now. I'm trying to cope.

Panic Attack

I was rushing around the city and it was late I was wearing these glasses my mother lent me because mine broke and suddenly it looked like the street was curving, I felt like I was upside down, and suddenly I felt pin pricks all over me, my heart jumped, and the street moved up and down. I thought, oh my God, someone drugged me, I'll have to go to the hospital, I may faint, who knows what will happen. I found a mirror and checked my pupils to see if they were dilated. Then I thought, it's just anxiety, just a panic attack....but.....what if I really am drugged? I used to live in fear of this happening, ever since I tried drugs as a teen and had bad experiences. I had all kinds of dumb fears, but the feeling was chilling. I'd get nauseous a lot.....so I took off my glasses and figured they were making me dizzy.......

I was sweating too, my palms.

so......my birthday and back in NYC

Thank Heaven! That's what we all said arriving back from Albany. I went up there for the NOW conference and while it was nice to get out of the city and away from the stress......I see now how fortunate I am to be here (in NYC) and not in a town where the streets are empty after 6PM. Albany is really pretty in parts and I love the Gothic buildings on a hill.....it's like the European towns; and the people were pretty nice.....but it's also reassuring to be in a city where I can sit in an internet cafe at 3AM and walk around and see ads, people, lights, 24 hour delis, et all all over. But when I left NYC I was fed up with the city and life in general; but here I am, happy to see the excitement.

Still, the city is competitive, now more than ever it seems, and a challenge every day if you're not rich. It's .....do I even want to get on this topic? .....so disconcerting to see this former radical punk and hippie neighborhood become totally bourgeois and filled up with handbag stores....not to mention the same people I'd see in the Hamptons or the Upper East Side.

And the NOW experience taught me a lot about the people I was dealing with, and it was sad how I don't feel like I can get close to many of them. It's kind of almost there.

But I'm still happy to hear music again, music I myself listen to, and to have a little cash, to be back in my life. I'll say this though.....I love upstate NY. It's gorgeous and green and hippyish and serene.....very different from the Hamptons where I think I'm going next. I'm gonna be on the beach!!!!


To my birthday, my powerful performances, new trips, and new relationships!!!!!!

Sometimes

I get really fed up with America, by that I mean the United States. I feel like I can't take living here and I don't belong here.....this is a right-wing nation and for anyone who's not life is a constant battle against these elements. Why fight for so many basic things instead of living in a place where they're already there....things like the morning after pill, universal health and child care, mandatory maternity leave, ect ect.....and OH I forgot to mention: decriminalized prostitution.......so that you don't have to waste time fighting for it and can move forward? It's so debilitating, after a while.....and I have a hard time trusting ....well, I won't get into it.

I don't want to seem like I'm "ranting" but, well, I am I guess. But it needs to be said.



This is off the subject, but I had this wierd flashback to when I was sixteen living in Chicago. I was going to this summer school there and would get cheese sandwiches at this kind of restaurant/greasy spoon/bodega near my school. I guess it's cause I'm hungry now but sometimes these things kind of fall on me, or because it's summer now, or because I was so....back then if I knew what I now know I may have suffered far less than I did. But I had such niave visions of the world and the future, though in other ways, my views then were pretty much in sync, with some exceptions, with what they are now.

my response to this article

http://www.sexwork.com/coalition/Federallaw2005.html

Dave's RantAs I always do I scream what about the 90% of "prostitutes" who are private consenting adult sexworkers that are not working for pimps, are not 14 year old children on the street, are not being trafficked against there will, are not public nuisance street hookers!!! Yet in the minds of most of the religious right who knows what is best for us and the Feminists, a prostitutes is a prostitute, no matter what age and no women gives consent for such abuse as prostitution. THAT is the issue we need to educate the public about!


I'm very dismayed once again, and distressed to say the least at the above article and people's ignorance in general. Even further more that this comes from people who should be allied with us. The f-word has been traditionally derided by people on the "left" along with the right, unfortunately.....and pushed aside as trivia, something to address when the "more important" issues (a la racism, class oppression, imperialism.......) are resolved.....and when will that be?

Just FYI, Dave, many "feminists" that you singlehandedly dismiss are actually in favor of decriminalized prostitution. Once more I feel compelled to defend them against another unfair and unastute assault. This article solidifies my argument:



http://www.faklen.dk/en/the_torch/prostitution.shtml

Why is women's liberation such a threat to people? Across the board, even among so many women, it's like a baneful term. That never ceases to amaze me, how people hate the idea. Is it a power thing? Or that it's universal?

Decriminalizing Prostitution

http://www.sexwork.com/coalition/index.html

here's a great link. These people pretty much speak for me.

3:30 and still going

I never rest, except when I'm sleeping, which is more like stealing sleep. There is not one minute of my day that isn't filled up with things to do. I work, have to make money for my rent, cats, savings for the future, trips, bills (ugh), phone, transportation, clothes, occasional.......(whisper) sex toys (like the one I just bought at a sleazy porn shop on Saint Marks)....but I tell myself, after all the stress of this past weekend and working so hard I deserve at least a good vibrator. I decided I really love erotic writing and film maybe you can call it porn.....I mean, I hate anything that demeans women and Lord knows there's a lot of that out there......but the world of sex fantasy is fascinating to me....but I'm digressing....My point is, I never have a minute that's just for me. It feels that way. Then, I feel sometimes like I can't trust anyone and everyone has an agenda (paranoia?) and there are people who will smile to your face then stab you in the back. There's been so much fighting in the activist world and things took a nasty turn a few times in the past few years. But I did learn. Still, I want to do something more meaningful, artistic....I still want to study philosophy and act (why I'm at the computer at this hour, getting ready to do another mailing) and I need a life that is not just about survival, paying the rent, or working dead end jobs that are way beneath me just so I can pay the rent. I really want to study and find "meaning" beyond what is just superficial which is the majority of what I hear around me.

Emergency Contraception

www.getthepill.com


I emailed Planned Parenthood last week to see about getting the morning after pill, and they never got back to me. I wasn't pregnant, but I wanted to see what would happen.


I have to call these numbers now for the pill.....when they're open.

It'd be a lot easier if I could walk into Duane Reade and buy it, n'est-ce pas?

Fulton Medical & Dental Center ask for Department of OB-GYN
(718) 636-8796
MIC Women's Health Services Williamsburg(Services restricted to women aged 65 and younger)
(718) 387-5300
Community Healthcare Network - CABS Health Center
(718) 388-0390
A Brooklyn Woman's Medical Pavilion PC
(718) 222-0123
Planned Parenthood, Boro Hall Center
(212) 965-7000
Early Options
(718) 638-4094
MIC Women's Health Services @ Fort Greene
(718) 522-1144
NYC DOHMH STD Clinic - Fort Greene
(718) 643-4133
New York, NY
Community Healthcare Network - Lower East Side Health Center
(212) 477-1120
Brooklyn, NY
Community Healthcare Network - Caribbean House Health Center
(718) 778-0198
George McMillan, MD
(718) 773-5310
New York, NY
Melanie MacLennan, MD Dr Mac (917) 687-5334
(917) 687-5334
Ryan-Nena Community Health Center
(212) 477-8500
Brooklyn, NY
MIC Women's Health Service @ Bushwick(Services restricted to women aged 65 and younger)
(718) 443-9300
NYC DOHMH STD Clinic - Bushwick Clinic
(718) 573-4820
New York, NY
Sidney Hillman Family Practice
(212) 924-7744
East 13th Street Family Practice
(212) 253-1830
Village Family Practice
(718) 575-2022
Jaana Rehnstrom, M.D.(Services restricted to established clients)
(212) 366-4765
Philips Family Practice - The Institute for Urban Family Health
(212) 924-7744
New York University - Urgent Care Services(Services restricted to students)
(212) 443-1007
If you have questions about emergency contraception, please visit our page on frequently asked questions.

The day I became a rad cheerleader?

This was an amazing, amazing protest; the first one I ever cheered at: the WTO one on September 13, 2003. It combined performance, art and politics and was so creative and brilliant.....not just people marching with signs and getting into fights with cops but creating original and colorful art, and throwing it out there to affect people emotionally, politically. The new protest, and maybe this can make change in a more positive way. I hope, well, I believe in it!

What's strange: this pic is not on here, but I saw a picture of the protest in which a guy and girl were walking and watching us cheer, and this guy looked just like someone who would be in one of my plays later. I don't know if it was him or just looked like him.

I had a tough day today: I got into a bad spat with this woman at the place where I take class who chewed me out about keeping stuff in my locker overnight, which I'm not supposed to do but it's just so hard to carry stuff all over Manhattan, and in a very nasty voice telling me I have to pay for the priviledge of keeping my stuff in a locker, and I was so hurt and mad and upset I started crying and yelling practically. Fine, I misbehaved, but these rules are stupid and mean. I need to change clothes in the city and it's easier to do it this way. But rules are rules and I'm on the "wrong" side so what can I do? But even so, this woman was getting on my last nerve and I was really pissed at her; talk about bad energy......hers was poisonous. At least to me. And when I'm upset I can't be around people; I become edgy and short-tempered. I did lose my cool after a bit.

But that's over for now. I am inspired by a lot of stuff now, but it can be so tiring as well. I haven't gotten to sleep lately til 5 AM because I'm having to deal with my cat when I come home after working all day. I love her but it's exhausting taking care of her. I have to keep her entertained and clean up after her. But she's my baby for now since I don't have kids, yet?

boring fourth of july

Happy Blood Day! I should stop. I'm drinking sangria, watching Britney Spears downstairs with Garrett's friend Sean and we're both being antisocial, actually that is also Garrett's roommate who is in her room with her friend. Garrett and his friends are on the roof but I don't want to go there cause it freaks me out, I'm scared of the ladder I have to climb, and I'm dizzy and tired from the alcohol. So I'm very happy to have a solo party.

It was two years ago today that the bike Garrett made for me was stolen, and he was so mad at me. I managed to find the kid who took it and after a three week ordeal got it back. Back in another life, two summers ago.

There was such a strong, positive vibe then, to use another cliche, and there was so much optimism and it was really intense. But people seem defeated now in so many ways, and it's very draining. So we have these motherfuckers running things, but Emma Goldman said, if I can't dance I don't want to be part of your revolution. I have little control over what others do but I have my own little art to express so.......I mean, yeah, I'm mad. Really mad. I'm moody. I'm afraid. But I'm not going to just shrivel up. I can't. I'm inspired, now! I just want to make something crazy and colorful and yeah, throw it in people's faces. Make them think, and react.

Now I'm listening to Sasha and Digweed and despite the "difficult" crowd I'm glad I saw John Digweed instead of lame Girl Nation. Just being blunt here. I mean, why should I go somewhere else....? Just because someone's bothering me, well, they don't have a claim on the space. This is the right decision. I know it like I know the sky is blue.

We're in Wikipedia!!!!!

It's hard sometimes to look at myself in pix, especially performing, but this demonstration was a super positive event where I went down to D.C. to cheer with the rad rad Radicatz. I think this is one of my cheering highlights; there was such amazing energy here....to use a cliche but for want of a better word.....but anyway, now it's history!!!! But NOT OVER.

BTW that's me in the pink shirt, skirt and pigtails.

I love waterfalls

New York City is not known for nature sites.....Central Park is man-made. I really do miss the country sometimes. I just couldn't live there.

Don't tell me to stay indoors

Just a few words about this post: I got some very nasty comments on this. I don't detest all men and I am close to many men. But the truth is, there are many men who DO behave this way in public and it's done a great deal of harm in my life and that of others. I can't pretend it isn't happening. What I'm saying is really misunderstood, and that incident I wrote about was a complicated relationship and life often contradicts itself, life can be offensive, can't it? White can be black and vice versa, you know what I mean? I just don't feel completely "safe" anymore expressing my feelings because I think it's taken wrong. But anyway.......



I went to this horrid place on 23rd street called the Comfort Diner. There used to be a much nicer one on East 86th street. These waiters kept making eyes at me and staring very intensely at me as they walked by, and then some of the patrons. The way men look at women is so disgusting......even if they're good looking, they do it in a way that's intimidating, invasive, and it's a subtle way of them to express their power in the world, their dominance. And in turn, we're supposed to feel grateful that they think we're pretty, if that's the point. Truthfully, it's a worse experience if the guy is scuzzy but even if not.....I walked out of that place really, really mad and with a terrible headache. Yet, rather than tell these men to change their behavior or punishing them, women are told not to go to certain places, stay indoors, or not to go into a place alone because then they're allegedly putting themselves in danger. Some behavior, I know, is plain stupid in a dangerous world, but why aren't these men told to stay indoors?

ok so the latest is

Saturday was the day from hell, though at least it ended better. It started out OK with me cheering at V Day in Williamsburg, which I managed to get to in 15 minutes on my cheap bike that G made me. I was tentatively supposed to work but that was up in the air too, and it fell through. Then, I was supposed to meet someone who ended up flaking out on me. Then, I rode up to Hunter to use the library wearing my short short cheering skirt dodging cabs and SUVs, and I heard this girl's voice saying, "You need bicycle pants!" I finally got towards Hunter and locked up my bike, and while I was walking to Hunter I heard a guy's voice saying, "Oooh, do fries come with that shake?" I mean, when I read that on a street harassment blog I thought it was a cliche and no one really said that. Then, I got to Hunter and the library was closed. So I headed back to Brooklyn....really exhausted by now. Then I heard a girl's voice again saying, "Put some pants on!" I stopped at this Indian place I go to. So after eating (I was absolutely famished) I got back on the bike to go to Brooklyn, and then the pedal came off my bike. I pulled it over and sat on the curb trying to get the pedal back on. By then I was covered in sweat and my hands were black from grease. Finally, this very nice cab driver pulled over, after I had called Garrett who said to turn it clockwise, which I did for about 30 minutes with it going nowhere, and THEN told me after I need a bike wrench, got out some tools and fixed the pedal. So, I rode home, this being my third trip that day over the bridge. Riding up the bridge is exhausting work.
So I got back, showered and fell asleep, then, thank God, someone I work for called and needed some emergency help so I then used that money to go to Crobar.

John Digweed was DJing, and I expected this kind of music would attract a totally different crowd than was there. It was almost all guys, all about 300 lbs each, and they routinely jammed into me, one of them hitting my nose with his chest. It really hurt and I was worried my nose was broken. I kept thinking, I will kill this guy if I see him, and I was checking in my little mirror to see if my nose was deformed. Finally, after about an hour, the pain went away, but then another guy brushed against my shoulder which I could tell was sprained from that. Moving my arm was slightly painful.

Finally I was sick of getting hurt. I have been in slam pits right in the center surrounded by skinheads, and this stuff didn't happen to me. The only other thing I remember like this was several years ago at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert where I got bruised from leaning against the stage. I really wanted to hear Digweed but gravity was catching up with me and I needed sleep. So on the way out, this guy was like, hi, and stuck out his hand. I thought, ok, and shook it, and he squeezed it really hard. I jerked my hand away and said, what the fuck? And ran off. He started yelling at me, "Come here bitch!" I ran out and got a cab home.

That said, I guess I'm not sorry I went. I wanted to hear this music badly......

But the other night I dreamt I was on an international flight and ended up in South Africa. It was a transfer, not permanent, but I decided to get out and look around. I was near the water and I was thinking, the air is just like that in North America. The water was wavy and beautiful. But I was thinking of someone I knew back home, a Chinese man, and I was somehow supposed to pick up his van, so I'm walking to a big garage. I go into the garage and look but there are too many cars, and I'm thinking, I have to call him and tell him I can't find his car, and suddenly water starts gushing down the garage driveway, which turns into like a curving slide (I dream about this all the time). And I realized I had read the night before about the Chinese woman who killed herself and nearly her kid when her husband had an affair. So the water was massive, I don't know how I wasn't afraid.

Girl meets boy

Boy disses girl, spurns her, leads her on, tries to pick her up in a club and she's flattered that he picked her out of a crowd of about 5,000 people but she stood out anyway; not sure if that's a good thing or not. Girl falls head over heels with boy madly crazily wildly in lust and love to the point where it's painful physically and then boy disappears. Then he comes back, then he disappears again. Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind said, "During the war, I'd go away and try to forget you, but I always had to come back." Finally, girl finds out that boy got married to someone else. Girl goes downstairs at her boyfriend's apartment and sobs hysterically wanting to kill herself and can't believe he did this to her, she gets drunk and nearly has a disastrous run-in with a bouncer and this is just before the Imette incident.......but downstairs is a magazine with the word THIRTEEN written in big letters before her.

But the girl lives, it's winter, the cold stabs into her back shoulders face ears and she gets caught in a blizzard in high heeled boots after a party, just after Madonna's latest single comes out. The girl thinks, wait, maybe he made a mistake and will get divorced.

But.........in the meantime, she's seeing different men and one of them she saw a few months back suddenly gets back in touch with her. This was a "rough" incident......long story short, a very unique one. Suddenly, over a period of a few months, his emails get more and more explicit. One rainy night in March, on the anniversary of the Spain bombings, she goes to his apartment and has a wild, wild wild night in which he pulls her hair practically out of her scalp, slaps her face to the point where it's red, pins her hard on the floor, and scares her, really. But.........but she's also kind of thrilled.....??????????? hmm.....why is that? He's a young law student from Michigan and suddenly she's in love, in a way, with him......and he gradually begins to come into her life more and more. He sends her emails saying he'll "slap the hell out of your ass and vagina" and how he wants to force sex on her and now that I think about it, is forced sex the same as rape? I never thought about it. I know, it's sick, I know....but it was so so so so so amazing!!!!!!! I mean, I guess it wasn't REALLY rape but it was hot, I'm telling you. It's making me crazy just thinking about it!!!

ok, let me re-phrase that

Sometimes little kids can be a joy. Having cats made me appreciate them more because personality-wise they're not that different. Cats throw tantrums too and you love them but they drive you crazy. But most often other people's kids in general get on my nerves. Like in movies they are annoying; but? I guess someone has to play those parts right?

I don't love kids

At times I hate them. I want to stay on the positive side. Yes, I do want my own kids but in general, other people's children get on my nerves to the point where I can't take it, I can't be around them. Like the other day, I was going to the nail salon and there was this kid, like maybe three or four, standing in the doorway screaming his head off and blocking customers from going in and out and the mother was like, "Oh isn't he adorable? I'm not going to stifle his emotional expression." It just scares me how anyone can breed, you know? You don't need a PhD to have a kid, but you should; so I think, sometimes. But what can I do?


When I was myself a kid I was in the car once with my mother, when she took me to NYC for the first time. We had been in Cape Cod and she had gotten into a fight with her then husband, and left with me to go to the city for the weekend. Somewhere on the highway one of the songs came on the radio and I turned it up; my mother said, Laura I can't listen to that. But I bought the record and played it over and over at my dad's place.

Kill Bill

This doesn't happen often, but sometimes a film comes along that just grabs you, and you fall madly in love, in lust, so much that your heart starts racing and you want to run out and tell everyone "Go see this! You HAVE to see this!" Amazing! You think. And this is one of those films. Especially the second. I'm obsessed with the Kill Bills. It was a radical feminist who recommended these movies, one who was badly spurned by some people in the "left" but anyway, I'm drugged, I'm hooked! I believe in this movie I really do. Way back in the early 90s I felt the same way about another film which turned out to be enormously controversial, but also hugely successful. Much ugliness came about as a result, though. But, well? I believe sometimes controversy can be important. Some people just do it for publicity, but even so, how else can you get a point across?

Evanston, Illinois, where I grew up

And interestingly, where my sister is now in college (she's NYC born and raised). Beautiful town, but I don't have great memories. The lake, though, is gorgeous. My friend, Aeysha, always wanted to hang out in the cemetery (she was a Scorpio and, yes, we were, especially she, a little wierd). We'd hang out on these rocks a lot as well.Aeysha and I remained friends until, one day about 10 years ago, she suddenly decided she wanted nothing to do with me. Whatever!

Yes, it gets horribly cold here in the winter; the kind of cold that feels like tiny knives stabbing you everywhere, with the wind hitting your face and neck mercilessly. And there's a lot of....well.....

My sister recently got busted here for drinking beer at a party, with a $500 fine; although, I must say, it wasn't too smart of her to walk right out in front of a bunch of cop cars holding a beer when she's only 19. Still, they're being really vicious about it and it may show up on her school record. I was thinking, this place hasn't changed....to be honest. But there are some positive qualities as well. My mother raised me here because she grew up in small towns in Michigan, mostly, and figured this was a more cosmopolitan atmosphere, and it is. I was lucky in a way. But there is an other side.

We'd pass this statue a lot, of the boy. I have nightmares about this cemetery still to this day, that I'm inside some kind of mortuary with a corpse and passing by the gates, either in or out.....but while trying to get somewhere. I mean, this cemetery seems particularly evil to me in a way. Some cemeteries are cool but this one gets to me. Plus, when we were living near it some bad things happened. Coincidence maybe.....???????

Then while living on Bergen Street

a couple years later, in my new life, out of the hardcore scene (was just never really that into it) and obsessed with "trance" and the KLF, I met Al, my future boyfriend, on October 4, the anniversary of Anne Sexton's suicide. I had just entered Hunter where I had little social life but then for some reason Al and I clicked. Five years later, we had a nasty breakup......and then on February 11, the anniversary of Sylvia Plath's suicide, I met my next boyfriend at a club, and it was his birthday. By then, I was in Astoria.

But four years later, I'd end up in Fort Greene which I'd never heard of and prior to around this time had been practically uninhabitable.

I can't upload these pictures otherwise I'd illustrate this but anyway.....ok I'm trying....

Fort Greene

Oh! I found this.....of gorgeous Fort Greene in the blizzard: some time around 2003 winter/spring it would NOT stop snowing. This was right around the time I moved into the hood, but at the time I was "between apartments" and staying at G's.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Greene

And in 2003, Laura moved there after meeting Garrett and has been there, except for brief stints in Harlem, Greenpoint and the Upper West Side. Laura lived on the corner of Clermont and notorious Myrtle Ave in a shithole basement that, despite her best efforts, she couldn't save.

Laura now lives on Skillman Street.



When Laura was 20 Greenpoint or Williamsburg would have maybe been ideal. At that time, Laura was obsessed with this bass player and while looking for an apartment, got one in Brooklyn because "Billy" lived there. But she didn't know how huge Brooklyn really is because she didn't know geography and probably wouldn't be able to find Brooklyn on a map. So......thinking she'd be closer to Billy she actually ended up on the other side of town very far away from him, in what is now called Sunset Park but was then pretty much a barrio. Billy lived....????? I think in Greenpoint. Or somewhere. So she never lived in the "cool" areas and....finally ended up in Fort Greene. Brooklyn, particularly Fort Greene, fell on "hard times" in the 70s and 80s but....that's sort of in the past. Now the area is a mixture of really everything.


Go here to find more pix of where I spent my life for three years.......


http://www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com/bigmap/brooklyn/fortgreene/walk/partthree

So tired, and sick of activism

I'm fried right now and with a picket plus two marches plus a counter harassment party coming up, and the constant bickering between all these groups, I'm fed up. I'm pissed. I have to make posters, go over cheers, find a meeting place, get markers (? yikes) and I have absolutely no talent for drawing, and I have to make these cheesy slogans like Sen Clinton You Can Do It! And ....... I'm just so sick of this. I'm sick of these people. I want to go to bed, with my cats and cry.

anniversary of June 2 death of sorts

My grandmother, for one, Marilyn Monroe's birthday, and the day my ex threw me out of his place. It's the 2nd day for me in this new place, and I'm ready to split. There's nowhere near enough privacy, the street is ugly, I have PMS and a headache, it's rainy and cruddy, and people are getting to me. I'm ready to tip over the edge right now.


But I suppose I'll be ok. It's just that bleeding really hampers me in many ways, and I have so many of these situational problems it's just hard to be creative in this atmosphere.

OK I'm done complaining, sort of.

unemployed, summer 2000

I had just moved out, if you want to call it that, of my relationship with this guy who took me to raves and was obsessed with porn, flat broke, working temp jobs, still smoking. I'd go the the World Trade Center for a cigarette break, poor, frustrated, and not knowing where I was going. And he was furious at me for not having a job; we fought pretty uglily. Finally, I reclaimed my strength and fought him back. He accused me of being "psycho" that being pretty much what I was called when I decided not to be a doormat.

I got out of this living situation in Washington Heights, although that place was a refuge. Then I wandered into Virgin Megastore where Sasha and Digweed were signing a new CD, ran into an acquaintance from a temp job who was talking to his friend about the recent assaults in Central Park. Some time around June 11? According to the Magi Astrologers, there was a Super Sexual Aspect in the air.

Then I started a job at Thomson, moved in with a friend on Chambers Street, and after a month and a half of waiting to get paid, barely able to pay rent, I got a decent chunk of cash. I actually had money in the bank.

Then I moved to Jersey City (ugh, ugh ugh) and about a year later the World Trade Center.....well, we know what happened. I was at my job which had moved to 32nd St (so weird how I could have been down there but for a series of last minute changes) and.....

So now, five years later, when I go to my mother's house, we are constantly approached by people asking in broken English "where is the Ground Zero." She lives down there.....

The Hamptons, one year later

Last year, I took the Jitney to Southhampton to see my mother and sister. There were these kids on the bus, about 18 years old or so, and this girl in a sweatshirt said in this really loud voice, "Oh, God, you know what's hilarious? [So-and-so] was telling us how he was going to take the bar test, and [so-and-so] thought it was a bartending test!"

At the time, I was annoyed and thought that was a rude thing to say in public: I mean, what's wrong with being a bartender.....but anyway, it's sort of ironic or else foreshadowing or something, that I'm involved with some people now getting ready to take the bar test. Some people, I think, are academically gifted.

radical cheerleaders in their day???? or the predecessors

"I really believe that sound reaches infinity, do you know what I mean. I think it goes on and on forever, and if that’s true and it was linked to the spiritual side of your lives, well, then sounds could
be alive. can you imagine the possibilities for the future ? linking the soul and the sound and then being able to make a giant spiritual musical machine, actually a part of us and not just
Thing you hear - it’s fantastic - it’s just fantastic "

----Written by ricky & marty wilde

more cheering pix

I found this on the Web too I just want to make this blog more colorful.





And one of my favorites; a radical feminist poster from the 70s.

And another:



See, who says I am not colorful?

BTW, I'm the cheerleader in a pink skirt. My technique has since improved.

back in the early 90s

Grunge was the thing in NYC and.....ugh. I couldn't stand it. So someone gave me a tape of the KLF and I must have listened to it thousands of times.

Yeah, there's only one place I'm living, man...I'm going into trancentral where I can,You understand, liberate and free the psyche.You know, banish my mind and my body'cause this way I don't know whether I'm in the future or the present...Is this the beginning or the ending? Although I know that things are incidentalThe landscape may have to be accidentalI'm still in a carriageOn the fast train,of the last train, to trancentralOver an out


I realized I kind of hate rock and roll, or most of it. Or any variations. "hard core" was the thing where I was but I couldn't tell you any of it except Corrosion of Conformity whom I met, and a few others. Oh, and SFA. There were many good bands. My friend was married to the lead singer of Warzone in a very bizarre and twisted setting.....we all lived up in Harlem that was when I first left the nest....on the West side. OK, I don't hate all of it, but I'm just not into.....I don't know, 85 percent of it. But still, so much of what was downtown was inspiring and there was such a strong energy to the whole scene. I feel like I work all the time and I need artistic input, or something.

vegetarianism?

It's fairly easy to give up meat in this town except for late at night when there's nothing open except bodegas and diners. Usually I settle for a cheese sandwich but that isn't healthy besides it's fattening. If you're lucky they'll have pea soup but usually not. When I was in Florida I ended up eating meat because it was just too difficult otherwise, because the only place open after 10PM was this Spanish bodega but they did have lots of wine, thank Heaven...... and in Indianapolis I think this menu I looked at did not have one meatless dish. I've been craving meat lately, though I try to avoid it. I love Greek food which is very meaty, but I ended up getting a falafel plate. Still, I love their fried bread and yogurt/cucumber sauce. I've been going to Curry in a Hurry every day and they all know me in there: and I get the same thing every time so they automatically give it to me now. Yesterday a bunch of them came up to me and said, "You know, you look like Chelsea." There's a picture of Bill Clinton on their wall and he allegedly went to eat at this place.

But anyway, it's becoming a struggle to avoid meat because I am somone who enjoys food. That's why I have flesh on me. At this place I was at today, this tall, very attractive woman got a sandwich for lunch and water. I saw someone else a while back getting sushi (ugh) from a deli and bottled water. I don't know how people can live on just that. Maybe it's that I have a constant hunger that I had read about.....the only solution is lots of coffee, but I hate skim milk, so at least 1 percent. My mother drinks only skim, but it makes me ill. When I was a kid my mother weighed about 107 pounds, and we never had candy in the house. Our dinner would be broiled chicken and steamed broccoli, but I was still chubby. Even this doctor I went to told me I was fat, in so many words. Then, some years later I lost weight and people were telling me I was too thin.

fuck security deposits

I don't believe in them. I know, people are going to be horror-struck. But I've already gone though the process of getting a place, paying a fee, and signing my life away to the Devil. The way I see it, I'm not responsible for someone else's property or financial obligations. I've had prospective people tell me, "Well I need a deposit because the last person ran off with my TV set" or "If someone ditches out on me I'm fucked because this place is expensive." I mean, it's not my fault that shady people exist nor that you signed this lease fully aware of the responsibility you're taking on. A deposit is only an added burden and stress to me and your lease is your problem, not mine. My only obligation is to pay for my stay, you know? I bought into the "system" of renting three years ago and it is one of the worst mistakes I ever made: being rented a place that is off the books and, in the eyes of the law, frauded out of thousands of dollars.

This is a rant and it sounds like I'm asking the world to pity me: I'm not. Maybe it's just frustration, that all my hard-earned money will be going to rent when a place to live should be guaranteed everyone. I also don't think all my money should go to rent just to live in a "good neighborhood...." i.e. one where I don't feel freaked out coming home at night. Where I can take the subway at any hour and not have to be accompanied by someone (preferably a guy), pay extra for a cab, or not go out at all.

more on the infiltration of email

So. Someone sent this to a guy who was going to direct my piece:

____I'll need a picute of you nude. aSthe next project will require that the entireproduction be done with everybody nake. Please forward me a nude photo of yourself(no erection please!!!!) ASAS. Thanks

with everyone "nake." At least this person could have learned to spell. This would-be director is probably ready to call the cops on me.

No, I didn't write this junk. I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe this happened. I learned my brutal and ugly lesson.

email infiltrated

Someone got into my account and sent this email out to everyone on my address book that I'm bi and like to "take it up the ASS" which, OK, I didn't think I'd have to say this, but I didn't write it. I mean, it's kind of funny in a way, but people are writing very nasty stuff to me, even after I've apologized. This one woman that I made the mistake of staying with a while ago sent me some email saying "I don't give a **** if you wrote it or not just take me off your list!" I will never get used to stuff like that. I've had to deal with several people in the past 24 hours being hostile to me, and I did nothing to them; not intentionally. Maybe there's something wrong in the air or.....I don't know, but I need to get away from it. Like last night I was buying something in a store and this guy started something with the cashier saying I stepped in front of him and when I tried to say that I didn't do that intentionally (as he was standing far away and looking the opposite way) and asked him if he wanted to go ahead, he just said, I'm not talking to you. And he's going on about how I'm "mad rude" and then Garrett wrote me this hostile email and, you know, I really am not going to take any more. I'm done with this. Seriously.

moon signs

Moon in Virgo: Talkative, expressive, literary/critical ability, overly self-critical, lack of confidence, shyness, diffidence and deference, emotional need to be of service.


Moon in 8th House: An eighth house moon shows an instinctive connection with the deeper mysteries of life. Psychic ability is common with this placement, as is extreme jealousy or suspicion.

http://www.elysian.co.uk/themoon.htm


The above two pretty much are on the nail in describing my emotional life. I'm not a happy person by nature: I am jealous, spiteful, self-critical and critical of others and situations, a perfectionist and psychic, to a degree. Probably because of this placement I can't really be laid back or happy, really. It's just not my nature. I always want more, I'm never satisfied. Even when I eventually get a guy I've been after, I usually get bored, and in bed too. What is it, hunger? One of the signs of vampirism....well I haven't thought about it, but maybe that is why I've always been chubby cause I do have constant cravings.

I've been thinking back, on like where I was a few years ago: how I was madly in love with this guy who I now see was a total jerk.....so this idiot I thought I couldn't live without, like I'd die if I didn't get him. It was true love, in a way: I think we were soul mates. But now? Blah, who cares. I've so moved on, and it is funny how suddenly you wake up and realize you wouldn't care if you never saw this person again. And over and over I meet Guy who I think is the one, the only one, and I can't stop thinking about him and I can't stand to be without him, and then suddenly I don't care. So no matter how much I'm in love now I guess wisdom comes with age, and I see I don't really want them that much. Also, though, I know the day will come when I'm no longer young and pretty, and when I'm suddenly wise and strong I'll no longer be desirable, be looked at or hit on or whatever. Intelligence in women is really not valued, by men. Even the guys who asked me to marry them wouldn't even wait for me to leave the room: they'd hit on my friends or my friends' friends; I dreaded going to parties because of that. I thought it was a reflection of me, that I had failed somehow. I also thought I was unique, the best, that I had an advantage over everyone in the universe, only to wake up one day and discover that I'm one of millions, type O positive, normal. My thyroid is normal. I have no real power; in most situations. Men see women as passive pawns; we're not encouraged to fight back or be aggressive, and that includes when we're the target of unwanted sexual attention. The best or most we can do is nothing. I used to think confrontations were the right solution, but that only escalates the problem and makes it worse. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Is it a test, to see how much they can provoke somebody?

This article I read was on the psychology of eye contact, and how in the animal kingdom it's considered confrontational. It said in many cultures one makes eye contact with someone they consider inferior only. I have been wondering why I am bothered by it, why I don't feel happy when people smile at me on the train, people who are strangers; why I don't want to smile back and feel like it's an invasion. Then I'm thinking, I'm mean, or whatever. But somehow....maybe it's the way I grew up.....too much familiarity from someone I'm not related to, best friends with or having sex with.....well for anyone is interpreted as sexual or aggressive. I think barriers are necessary, but then people will say I'm cold. I don't know where I'm going with this........but I'm always being made to feel guilty when I don't open up to strangers. But I don't; or at least, well put it this way: only to certain people I do.

In all these discussions on street harassment, there's a lot said on how this may lead to assault and why this makes it wrong. But for me, it's not that I feel unsafe cause most of the time I don't: it's more the fact that it's an insult. I realized, part of the problem is that in male-dominated atmospheres I was always made to feel low, in a way. Being part of feminist groups felt like a way out of that; but it also feels like a constant uphill battle to get a grip on some of the power in the world, out there..... At some point I may be attracted to a female, but it's rare just as I'm not attracted to many men, but I'm not gay. Some people genuinely are....... But I'm not, I'm someone who does need a Boyfriend and worries about what panties to wear when I see him.......but I also know that there's always going to be another pretty girl every time you turn around so.....I feel like I have to keep up with that and I can't really: it's exhausting and daunting to be faced with that all the time. How can I really? So it's ironic that I'm the one living like I am, right?

another dream, more like nightmare

After a very difficult cheering night I went home, fell asleep after a few too many, and dreamt I was in school living in the dorm, but it wasn't the Hunter dorm; more like the one I was in at Pace. And I had a few sets of keys some of which I put away like in drawers or something. Suddenly, I don't remember how this happened, but I'm talking to some kind of counselor who tells me, the problem is, we can't let you leave here. So I realized, they're going to get me and take me away, but if I make a scene that'll only make it worse. I then realize I CAN leave as all the exits are open, downstairs, so I'm going around the hallways and I stop at a locker, look in there, for something, then keep going downstairs, and I'm thinking I only need to get to my room and get out of here. So I do manage to get out and go to the dorm, and I get into my room, but I still can't find my keys. And I'm terrified, thinking I'll be a prisoner, and I'd rather die, but I woke up and realized, that was just a dream, I'm awake and free, sort of.


So we cheered again for what was supposed to be a lesbian party, and I guess we were expecting a more "sex positive" type of crowd, but instead it was all these girls standing around in jeans and sweatshirts, not even dancing, even though there were good djs there. There was also a kissing booth, but people weren't even into that.....and I just felt turned off in general, just wishing a particular person were there with me instead. But he didn't call. So the hell with him, or at least I'm trying to say that. So this crowd was not into our raunchy cheers and I mean, what the hell do people expect? If someone isn't into the sexy stuff, I understand and respect that, but why ask us to cheer then? Do they not read our Web site and cheers: look: we're a political group and our cheers are sexy and dirty and offensive, but it is just fun, you know? It's not meant to be taken literally. I consider myself a feminist and am against sexist art and Lord knows there's plenty of that: but that doesn't mean you can't wear pink and shake your boobs. I don't see cheering as derogatory. But anyway.

I'm just stressed a little, well a lot, over $. Evil money. I owe for student loans (my dad was right and I didn't listen to him) and rip off credit card bullshit. Fortunately it's only a few thousand, but I have it. I just don't know how I'll afford it plus rent plus everything else. I'm making more money than I did at my last job but it's liquid, it comes and goes. Really pisses me off. I read about these "debt bondage" slaves trafficked in from other countries and then realize that could be me.

another cheering dream

You know how some dreams are stronger than others: well in this one I'm back in Miami with the cheerleaders and a few of us are going to this one girl's apartment that she shares with her boyfriend. But I think she or someone loses her keys and it turns out she's fighting with this guy all the time and.....?????

Also, I keep getting deja vu dreams like of the alleyway of this place I lived in when I was nine or so (we moved constantly) and I'm skating or biking; but there's a darker element like someone is chasing me.

So I come home to an empty apartment and it's nice, at times. But other times I just wish someone was there, like when there was a thunderstorm and the place was a little spooky. The person I thought was The One married someone else, and I don't know anyone else who I think is "right", except one other person now, but that's not working out either. I've been studying astrology and....I don't want to go into this here.....but all the planets are saying that this is not a time for relationships. But I don't want to be alone, either. I couldn't stand it today: I went into the city not cause I had to but because I realized I'm more social than I'd thought. I just can't stand to be isolated, not all the time. Even though people get on my nerves, I can't just shut myself in the woods like some can, you know? not yet anyway.

Bluestockings

cheering today

Today the cheerleaders and I performed at Bluestockings for the launch of a new feminist zine. It's good to know an event like this had a huge turnout but I can't help wondering: why aren't far more women involved in stuff like the Birth Control Project or the Social Wage Committee.....like why aren't hordes of women storming the streets every day demanding equal pay, universal child care, health care? Why is it only us five? That's been distressing. Still, it was a good experience except that were all over the place with our cheers and some of it was my fuck up: this is a lot harder even than it looks. I'm so worn out now I think I'm going to retire early with a glass of wine even though it's lonely being in that big house alone. I wish You Know Who would call or text or something, but on the other hand, it's nice to just have a little time for me.

dream

I am in Florida with friends and I'm in a squat-like place, on a single bed, something like that. I'm with this guy I know, R. Suddenly, these two girls show up who are attractive but not that great; however, they are skimpily dressed. R says, sorry she's so hot, and suddenly he's on the bed with her making out. I leave, but outside a storm is coming, like a waterfall almost, but a hurricane, or like one. It's cloudy in the sky. I go into a house, or a nearly empty restaurant, something like that, and I'm looking through the yellow pages I think, or trying to go online. I keep telling myself, I have to get out of here, but I can't, I can't just go out and walk around like in NYC. I'm trying to find a plane out. But night comes and the storm ends. That's the end of it.

searching for literature

I just checked out Virginia Woolf's The Waves which is brilliant and refreshing. There is great stuff out there but you have to search for it. Other than that, I'm feeling the effects of PMS and that's why I'm so cranky, probably. Intense creativity brings on my period, though it's at least back to a regular cycle.

For anyone interested in vampirism, here's a good article:

http://www.earthspirit.org/fireheart/fhvampire.html

Really brilliant. I understand a lot of what's in here and boy, do I identify with so many of these characteristics. I am sensitive to light, burn easily, am nocturnal in every way (my period usually starts at night....is that normal?) but anyway.....

This is from the piece I'm working on by Sylvia Plath:

I am simple. I believe in miracles. I do not believe in these terrible children, who injure my sleep with their wide eyes, their fingerless hands. They are not mine. They do not belong to me.

Pissiness

I've just had a particularly trying day and I finished with a few glasses of wine. I mean, some people are getting on my nerves but I won't go into it here.

The other side is, knock wood, my show may be going up.......(shhh, keep fingers crossed). Yippie!!!!

no one I think is in my tree

When I was in high school acid was the drug of choice. I did it about 10 times. I can say, from my experience......I didn't have a good experience. For 10 hours or so you have no control over your emotions and what you see. I don't like to not be in control and I guess I was never cut out for sitting in the park; it's not my nature, but I did. My family was really strict and believed in hard work so I have that guilt in me, like if I'm lazy, or not productive, or if I sleep too late, ect. Now, with my "freelance" schedule, I feel the guilt and lostness without a definite schedule. There's no easy solution. I'm going to create a schedule now and stick to it, strictly regimented; easier said than done, yeah.

Also punk was really big and it's still affected me; but also all this gave me the urge to put my own spin on things; tell my own story. hmmmm......


I'm all lost in the supermarket..... The Clash

There's no excuse for not wearing a condom

I wish I had this flyer, from Redstockings, about how getting guys to wear condoms is a political movement, not an individual, personal problem. It's draining me, really, to have to fight every time I'm about to have sex with a guy who argues with me, saying it's "not as intimate" or he can't stay hard or whatever. I've seen enough guys able to have sex with one to be able to guess that the pleasure is not really increased without one. Abortion and the abortion pill are painful and expensive, the morning after pill is difficult to get, not to mention that there's AIDS and a million other diseases, and going in for an HIV test is a very bad experience. As the flyer says, let there be no other women for them to turn to (with the idea in mind that he'll find some other woman who won't make him wear a condom). Period. Period.

more on "street harassment"

So like I said before....is it determined by appearance? Like I'll get comments no matter how I'm dressed and that kind of thing?

When did I first experience street harassment? I think it's when I was about 7 years old, maybe 8. It was these young boys, maybe 13 years old, who came up to me and told me they wanted to fuck me and stuff like that. I didn't know what "fuck" meant, and they said something like "your parents fucked." Then I remembered this book I had found in the library when I went in there alone at age 7: on how babies are made. I had seen another book like it in a store before that. So I had; I understood. To think of my parents doing that made me sick: but it also made me want it. So suddenly it registered what they meant, like when he said "stick it in me" I thought does he mean his finger, but I kind of knew. And I laughed. I was afraid, to be sure.....I didn't know what to feel. I was alone in a field outside summer camp waiting for my mother to pick me up. The boys left, I think.....don't remember. Now, they're grown up, probably married with children. Maybe this was just a phase for them, maybe not. If not, that's a scary thought.

Then later when I was eleven, my friend and I used to take the L in Evanston to school, and there was this guy at the booth who asked me if I wanted to meet him for coffee when I turned 16. It sounds harmless now, but my friend and I were terrified of him.

Then around age twelve, that's when it started. I think that the younger-looking women are the biggest targets: for them it's non stop. I think in my own experience I stopped wearing super short skirts, fixing my hair, wearing a lot of makeup.....all because I would be looked at in a way that felt sick to me, like dirty. Then came the guys who tried to seduce me, and I found out later they had wives or girlfriends....that tiny detail they forgot to tell me.

When I first really came into my own I was fourteen, and I went out in this red dress. My hair was lighter by that time, as it was summer. A guy yelled at me in the street, "I want to fuck you baby!" And why didn't that feel flattering, but rather dirty?

Also, ok, there was this whole debate in SHP about "ghetto" and street harassment which I don't want to get into, but basically this girl brought in a borderline racist agenda once. I know it's white guys in suits who harass women as well, I know, I know, it's all over. I think it is more common in some cultures than others but it's hard to say that without coming across as racist. I know it's white guys who do it, and I've been harassed by groups of frat boys, like recently. So.....well....I don't know. In Germany I think it's different but women from there have complained of it as well....but I still don't remember getting it as much there as, say, in Paris or London. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know.

I would be lying if I denied sometimes having darker thoughts about SH, women, society and even assault on women. I do feel envious of other women who get male attention, and angry...Sometimes I do think, well, maybe she's desperate/a tramp/was asking for it/didn't know how to say no/didn't stand up for herself; that kind of thing. And I'm feeling gross that I'm thinking that, cause, I know, it's supposed to be a random thing, and I don't know if it is or not. I really don't. I can't deny sometimes feeling jealous of other women who get harassed, but I also am disturbed when it happens to me. And I noticed that when I go out in my glasses and pants it's drastically reduced, but when I'm in a skirt even a long skirt it's far more prevalent. And it's not supposed to be some kind of measure of our attractiveness, but it is, sadly. It's not something we're really in control of. When guys do want me I'm always, I can never really relax with them, especially at first, because I'm thinking is he just using me, am I just the one girl who will give him whatever he wants? Even if I'm feeling pleasure another part of me is feeling lonely and frustrated, because it becomes like a game, a darker one.

road trip song

This keeps spinning in my head: the song Tom Green sang in Road Trip. It goes something like:


Tiny salmon swimming in the stream.........
......
The owl says "hooo" the monkey says "eeek"

but all the little fish can say is....


"blblblblblblfffff"

personal slave

A guy I know was telling me about this dominatrix friend of his who has her own "slave" who does errands for her and stuff like that. I need that. I think I'll advertise for one.

Other than that, let's see: I slept maybe three hours last night, or rather this morning. I'm surprisingly (did I spell that right?) not tired.

huh. yawn. boring blogs

I can't believe how many uninteresting people are in the world. I've gone through one blog after another with a slew of shallow posts, like "Hey James, you remember this one?" Or.....oh who knows? Random pictures or just.....what am I looking for? I so badly want to connect with someone and I'm not, it's not happening. Maybe I just need food.

I got sunburned at the protest, I'm like a lobster.

cheering and protests

Today there was another anti war march and I was with the radical cheerleaders. Hours of jumping, stomping and screaming: cheering just never gets boring, but I am exhausted. My tongue feels on fire, I'm endlessly thirsty, my legs ache......but all in a good way.

But these left movements really need a jump start. It's like morale was drained when Bush won a second term: but even if Kerry had won the battle is far from over. There's a line in the film I Was a Teenage Feminist: one of the women says, you have to always defend your freedom or it slips away; it just does. I'm glad it got warm because I went to an even worse protest a year ago when it was chilly out: so it was sunny, great, but these activists need to realize in order to get people to listen to you sometimes you do need to be colorful. You need to protest creatively, or else it's just strident. I know, I'm harsh, but there you are.


Now, my task is making some money. I'm poor and freaking out. I made all this money then spent it. Where did all my money go, my beautiful money? Anybody have some?

movies, movies

I rented a bunch this week and the ones that stand out for me are, again, Choses Secretes or Secret Things in English. G pronounces it like "cho checret" and says, "Laura's favorite movie." Also, "La Ceremonie." I'm obsessed with French film....what exactly is it?

So everyone has these sort of goals or things they want to accomplish in the next year, although I wish I could do it all tomorrow. For me, here's my list:

read more philosophy, like Sartre, Heidegger; possibly enroll in school again.

get the interpretations for my Magi software

get my production up there, but of course all at a favorable time

improve my cheering

better cheer costumes

learn to speak fluent French and German but of course that means living in France or Germany.


Send out all my marketing acting stuff on time and do it right, stop "forgetting" or "not having time."

Naturally, improve acting

Get into SAG, or course and really get this going: I'm guilty, slap me, of being lazy and procrastinating with my acting career.

go and live abroad: places of choice: Alexandria, Egypt; LA; Cape Town; New York (though I'm already here); Berlin (maybe not the MOST exciting city but I love the German language and I'm so rusty now); Paris (I know it's not for everyone and there are problems but I fall in love when I'm there: I love Notre Dame, Austerlitz and the Left Bank in general.....and the Metro....I mean I really dig their train stations. OK: this is what's cool: when the train goes underground to Iles de la Cite, where Notre Dame is, it actually echoes. Before it was a church that island was some kind of sacred pagan spot, but anyway I'm digressing. Plus Montemarte I love it there, too); and Miami or some place warm; and finally Colombia (it has a bad reputation but I know people living there). For now, that about sums it up. Oh, also, the Indian sites in Mexico and Peru.

spring and cheering

I was going over some of the radical cheers I do and was filled with this sense of ......maybe it sounds cheesy, but I felt like, yeah! This is what I'm meant to do: perform. I was going over my monologues and I realize I was born to perform (kind of an awkward phrase, but true) and I'll be with the radical cheerleaders and hollaback nyc I think and I'm....I just know this is so right, somehow.

but also I'm thinking of what I read about the British Suffragettes.....and how they'd throw rocks through windows that had "Votes for Women" written on them. Even though they were a little nutty I admire that kind of spirit in someone, in a movement. A guy friend I told that to said, "Well, when people really believe in a cause they need to express it." Under the current system, they'd be considered terrorists and in their day they were locked up and force fed.

Blast in Dahab, Egypt

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060424/ap_on_re_mi_ea/egypt_resort_blasts_19;_ylt=AtoSdYds6VyHEE_sDnaibsfFCBEB;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl


I'm really shaken by this because I was there a year and a half ago; that same resort. We were all told Egypt is safe; and the whole time I was there there were no shakeups. The most that happened was when I was in Jerusalem I was sitting in a pizza shop with a companion, then we all heard a loud noise. My friend said, that sounds like a bomb. All these people were running down the street that was earlier like any hangout, anywhere. It turned out to be a false alarm, but my friend said people are nervous.

First the ferry sunk in the red sea, now this. It's still unlikely you'll be caught in something like this, but life carries no guarantees. I really thought stuff like this didn't happen in Egypt, though...but duh, it did in Taba, where I also was. I took a taxi alone through the Sinai which was a really profound experience.....but we passed Taba and it was like a ghost town; I mean there was nothing, really....just empty buildings and hotels. Still, you get passionate attachments to certain places, and situations. What is the hold this place has on me? I don't even read the papers, I'm not interested in war or what ammendments get passed through Congress on any given day. I know, I"m self-involved.

more on going out

I've been reading more blogs on street harassment which is being called "eve teasing." I think it's awesome that all these things are turning up and this topic is being discussed. I object to the term "eve teasing" cause I think it's too mild. There's a really ugly, negative and aggressive element to the way men prey on women in public spaces. They say it's to meet women, but I think really, as someone else said, it's a way of asserting their power. Really sick. It's usually women or girls who are innocent-looking, and I think it's more especially....well I don't know....but I'm thinking being blond intensifies it, though it happens to women from all backgrounds. But even more, I'm still shocked, in a way, of how we're subtly told we should feel grateful for this attention. Like depend on it.....

dreams

I am in a hotel room or something, and Garrett is near me. I realize I wrote a bunch of stuff about him in my diary and left it for him to find. I don't hear from him, and get the feeling he's mad at me, so I call him on my cell, and he starts repeating to me what I wrote about him in my diary. I'm thinking, fuck, now he hates me. But eventually I see him, and we're at some rehearsal or something, with clowns, and we slowly reconcile. Then, I'm getting on the "subway" to go to Brooklyn, but I get lost in the station. I end up on this train line that's actually a boat ride (I have had this dream before) kind of like a roller coaster, and I get dizzy on them. But I'm thinking, it'll be nice to take a boat. So it starts going along the tracks....but then I was woken up.

The night before, I dreamt I was in school, like my elementary school, and this person I know in law school started hitting the professor, or something, and I get scared and run out of there. I'm driving this car my mother had back when I was a kid.

condoms

Are a must. I can't tell you how many times it's been a struggle to either have a condom at crucial moment or how many times guys put up an argument. At this feminist meeting I went to we were handed these flyers that said getting guys to use condoms is a POLITICAL issue, not a personal problem. I am constantly hearing, "It's not as imtimate, it's bullshit, I don't like them...." I mean, how bad is it really? I also don't want an abortion or to have to go back to the clinic to get tested.

So I end up being deprived of pleasure and fun because of this. In the past I gave in, but then I'd be freaked out wondering if I caught anything or was pregnant. I took an HIV test this winter and don't want to go through that again. I've been tested four times and that's enough for me.

hollaback

http://hollabacknyc.blogspot.com

This is an awesome Web site that deals with guys who invade your precious space on the streets. I started taking pix of harassers with my cell phone camera as well. It's so empowering!

I have some issues with Street Harassment "Coalition" but this is a good site that I just mentioned.

Bad girls at the office

This girl I know was telling me and another girl how someone at her job was posting nude pix of herself on Craig's List to rent herself out. At the office, of all places. It's kind of funny in a way. I mean, I understand why she's doing it; because she probably can't live on her salary. I only wish I had known I could do that at my job, though I'd probably have been fired were I caught. Or maybe my boss would have offered me under the table $. Go for it. No I shouldn't say that.

cupid

Saw this weird play today about Cupid, Aphrodite and Psyche. I'm willing to consider the "old" religion; that of gods and goddesses. Polytheism. Though some of it seems over the top to me. But why shouldn't God/dess be many people? A professor once told the class (a she professor) that in spite of all her lessons on goddess worship and Mother Earth and all these alternative religions she still sees God/dess as God the Father, the man in the sky.


As it was I decided to get in the spirit of things and I did draw the shades for Good Friday. It was, I think, a pagan holiday prior to. It's kind of weird though how it rained on Good Friday and was sunny on Easter. Kind of freaky, huh?

Anyhow, I'm really glad the holidays are over, and my period as well.


I figured out how to use the menstrual cup....yay! first time for everything. It's much better than pads and tampons.

NYC culture, 24 hours

I'm sitting in another inet cafe after going to see this writer, Michelle Tea, read. This crowd was "downtown" "activist" and I even knew one of the women, who wouldn't look at or say hi to me. This was a dyke crowd and everyone was "radical" looking, by far more than I do. I don't have tattoos, my hair will never be straight, and I'm not a lesbian....although I love Bluestockings and think they're a great store. But I left there feeling depressed, although my instinct told me to buy one of the author's books so I bought "Rent Girl." I didn't ask her to sign it, I guess cause I'm shy and feel bizarre asking people for that. Maybe it's me, but the crowd alienated me and I wanted to leave. I did buy the book and a Diva Cup, a menstruation alternative, which I've tried to put in me but it just got jammed, and I'm thinking, I spent forty bucks for this and I'm fucked....as it practically split me in half....although I'll hopefully get it soon enough.

I'm not here to get you off, rather WE'RE not

I am really sick of these creepy guys in public spaces, or anywhere, constantly preying on any attractive female in their sight. I'm so pissed, actually. I have written about this before, but sometimes I get depressed and wonder if it's hopeless, but it's not.....

I have confronted guys who preyed on me too much in the street: and sometimes it was scary cause they would threaten me. I don't know if that's the solution or not...because I learned that I'm not going to educate them. But what is, then? I don't think just doing nothing is the solution either. I need to really meditate on this subject, but what I've read about it is so boring. No, they don't say, "Do fries come with that shake?" That kind of isn't the point; I don't know, it just seems really pat to me. It's more like I'm being turned into an object or a victim and want to just be me, left alone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

choices, or don't force your values on me

I'm a hippie earth mother at heart. I really have been thinking about it a lot and I'm feeling guilty that all these animals are suffering and I'm spending money on things for myself. I want nice things as much as anyone, but as far as priorities go....I really want to help cats and other small furry creatures. Sometimes, as a working girl, you have to make choices: plane tickets, bags, animals....one or the other. I chose to spend money on a plane ticket and hotel room, and travel can be scary. But I live in NYC and here every time you turn around there's someone in a million dollar outfit and there are designer stores everywhere. I don't know, I'm not saying it's bad. But it's kind of sick: that some people have that luxury to spend in a day what some people make in 6 months. To me, that isn't right. I don't believe in the 9to 5 life, or this system. But I feel like I"m the only one. Maybe I should leave this country. When you're 24, your whole life shouldn't be your job. Or kids or a house. You should be traveling, making art, all these things like the people I met while traveling. My generation just had different priorities.

Well I have more to say on this but I feel like this will be really edgy. But I don't believe in the 9 to 5 life and I don't believe that there's virtue in working what are really menial office jobs; all the stuff I was raised to believe is "right." It was drilled into me nonstop growing up 9 to 5 life is right like .....well I'll end that here.

male aggression and attention on the street

I used to belong to this group the Street Harassment Project. Anyway, long story short, there was too much infighting and ugliness and I left....but more than that...it's weird but I felt so dissatisfied with how it went. Even groups like Vagina Dentata though I admire them, I'm just bothered by it as well. I have mixed feelings about our counter harassment parties because on one hand I support them but on the other I don't know if that was the right approach. Some of the men were not really that harmful; some were worse than others. But I got something last night from a guy who basically just jumped in my face and started talking/yelling at me, trying to start a conversation, when I think I made enough body language to show I wasn't interested in one. I see these guys jumping on women, usually young, attractive ones, like they're prey, like they have this sense of entitlement, to another person's bodily space and life. I walk down the street and constantly have to dodge these guys who walk really close behind me, too close. So I see street harassment as another form of male domination anyhow.....

Maybe I don't know the solution.....maybe beating them up is. Why ...that's the key, why do men feel this entitlement to a woman's body? I also know that in different cultures personal space varies. I'm not used to too much eye contact, physical closeness or friendliness from strangers and I don't know why it bothers me so much. Some people say it's NEw York but I was raised in the Midwest. Some people don't .....a person should be given the respect that maybe they don't want to be bothered. Maybe they're in a bad mood and don't want to be....really pounced on.

a strange email

just in case you all ahve been living in a hole in the ground i am in iraq. im going 2 days with out sleep. just finished writing about my whole life family girls i dated and so on. to get a new job. its the only time im allowed to go online. myspace has been blocked. the best way to get intouch with me is to write to me it takes a few days but it is still faster than me checking my emails. ill be home from christmas or so they say they have already started asking for volunteers to stay another year. each day feels like a week time is going so slow it feels like it is going in reverse.
its crazy i see explosions and gun fights everyday i just havent been shot at yet i think everyone in my unit execpt me was shot at and its only week two. just incase you didnt get my address it is


If im lucky i get 5 hours of sleep its non stop work running around setting up onthing or another. im more worried of being attacked by giant spiders than i am of the enemy these are crazy ive seen a spider eat a mouse and i wake up next to me everyday. they are the size of my palm and everyone says they are babies they get alot bigger
you better write and send care packages like pictures and burned cds are always good. looking foward to getting some mail from you. remember no mail days are sad days
David
David


This is someone I worked with...who just wrote me out of the blue. I'm suprised he even remembers me......I'm just a little wierded out by this, but moved.

my former activism, like street harassment

I was just at a feminist meeting today, and .....long story short, we've been confronted with problems of people disagreeing on topics and division and infighting in "left" groups which has in some cases gotten out of control. I find it strange how when I was involved with the street harassment project we told stories of everyday encounters, and people began vehemently objecting to them, or wanting more "action-oriented" meetings and less consciousness-raising, or what seemed to them like a kind of hand-holding. Now, some of these same people have gone full circle and are putting up Web sites devoted specifically to stories. Also, there are people wanting to take counter harassment parties to clubs (my original idea, which they opposed a few years ago). There is a lot more to it than this, but at least I can say I've learned from my mistakes. Don't spill your guts to the world and expect them to be grateful or understanding.