Death dream

Kept digging up a grave.....someone close to me who passed a long time ago.....the corpse was in there but only later I realized.....must have been telling of something.....I had been there when made kept going back there was $ in coffin didnt know to take it or not.....parking lot.....

Nightmare, another

Peaches Geldof wearing some kind of astronaut mask......some thing, white.....then bruise marks around the eyes.....looking at a street.....coffin appeared, some kind of pointed star under it.

Tv

Wish I could spend all my time eating sourdough bread and brie, watching Cold Case or the Amanda Knox film which is actually almost funny.....have to hustle put $ in my purse pretty much immediately. It was fun while it lasted.
Wrote that over the summer. Been through an emotional blender. My email got hacked. Weird messages sent to friends. Everything is weird. I think back to when I was in jersey city and I was like a naive child. I had no clue what was to come. But it will always be the same til I change something fundamental in me but how? I'm trying......

Horrifying nightmare

Im sorry to say this its great someone painted a mural to the late Robin Williams but it kind of freaked me out when I passed it. Clowns in general terrify me.....it says "keep on smiling"'though he's not smiling. I saw this in a storm.....After watching some disturbing videos on youtube and the Amanda Knox film (more freak stuff there) I fell asleep the fan sounded like it was oscillating in a weird way vaaaaRHOOm now it stopped plus muffled bass on a blasting car radio outside (witnessed the same thing in Miami I read somewhere they transport the dead or their souls what have you) a vision.....oh terrifying.....Robin Williams' face with clown makeup and a pig's nose I mean no disrespect in writing this.....just staring blankly. I was reading about these fucked up .....ugh.....wearing pig and goat masks I guess that's what triggered it .....

Mirrors, water

Kept thinking of a horror film I saw water dripping.....down came the rain.....dreamt I was staring into a shattered mirror but not my reflection looking back at me an older man with a white beard.....temporal? Actually never looked that up.....

Watched Jodi Arias DLS and Love and Death

My friend was very nice to make me some dvds I watched a couple yesterday. Love and Death by Woody Allen is particularly disturbing but brilliant.....the end especially. The JA film, though inaccurate, to say the least, stands pretty well on its own I find the lead actress very likable. Just my opinion, you know.....I had the ending of LAD in my mind today.....

Heroin, more.....

Naltrexone, naloxone.....used to treat od.....these are preventable tragedies.....
I guess you can carry this stuff with you.....

Heroin.....

http://www.spiritualriver.com/heroin-overdose/these stories are devastating. People don't understand addiction can and does happen to anybody. From what I  gauge the drug  as sold off the street is cut with other substances like rat poison (the Clash sang about this) which causes death. To go cold turkey? Not necessarily the answer.....because if someone takes the drug again at the same dosage that's often what causes death. I read this and think this could have been me I never used heroin but I can't deny I did other stuff. Heroin is physically addicting, so it is not that easy to just quit. In its pure form it is less dangerous than when mixed. These people should not have died and going going off the drug is torture, literally, so I've been told.  What other way there must be one.....

Actually.....JFK Jr

This whole debacle yeah a real enigma. And heartbreaking. Blondie sang die young stay pretty.....flying with a broken foot I don't understand the mechanics of flying I guess you step on the gas like in a car. Lost near Martha's Vinyard where Obama is vacationing.....I got the Star card the other day and yes I am a genius as if the stars are shining on me.....divinely inspired and TY.....but as for ......the documentary on MM.....where it gets twisted: the Kennedys allegedly plotted to kill her (you can see the embarrassed wince on JFK's face in the "Happy Birthday Mr. President" moment, Bobby too).....but then afterwards they become victims of another conspiracy? Doesn't make sense.....

On a lighter note.....Bubbys

Cute restaurant in Tribeca. JFK Jr. Used to go here. I am so obsessed with this story this was watching a documentary on Marilyn Monroe where they re-created the crime scene her organs this that. This place had pretty decent food super spicy nachos huge veggie burger, huge..... 

They say

Ask for courage to accept what you can't control and change what you can but.....I don't accept what I can't control accept a tsunami? It could be worse.....Amanda Knox once said when asked who had it worse her or Meredith, she said I still have a chance to live as much as my life has been stolen or identity or something. I don't accept what I can't control but I live with it, I deal with it. At the time it feels like hell but it isn't the end. Pain is all encompassing it clouds your vision turns your life upside down. I will never understand the hate and vindictiveness of some people. I can't get in their minds but why should I care? Still, don't ever let anyone steal your life they have no right to and only you know what's right for you how you should live what makes you happy. You love someone til they become God you too give them that power to with the motion of a hand destroy your life. In order to feel secure you have to have faith in them.....you give them a piece of you and they rip it to shreds. At least in the past I did. The day Michael Jackson died I went to the Bhuddist temple, wandered in, tho I'm not Bhuddist.....I think that's when I found out.....about MJ. The night before I had news Justin was making out with another girl ffs I can't turn my back for a second. To betray a person's trust.....play games with their mind and heart you don't get over these things.....you never get over them. They say time heals what bs. But ok I have relived the pain and let a lot of things go. You look back at some situations and think I wish I wish I had just walked away. Or done it sooner. Worst mistake not doing it sooner.....but stayed instead only to be lured back promise this promise that only a matter of time before you're proven right again and again. But by then there's rubble, there is more pain, and it never feels good to cause another pain, ever, Jeanne D'arc said she was more fond of her banner than her sword. I don't pretend to be a saint I did a lot of shitty stuff. But I was confused desperate and vulnerable but until I clear my own head it won't matter anyway.....I try. I try. I am so....., but I try.....
Missing Persons lyrics: they say time will heal everything reason and common sense/but with time and reason surely comes the loss of innocence.....

Nightmares

I rarely have these.....maybe the full moon my mind thinking rather cryptic stuff. I was thinking of an episode of cold case featuring a circus, clowns and a girl dancing in ribbons or curtains I'm not sure what you call them. I want to try that! A guy gives her lsd.....that is such an incredible show. But clowns scare the shit out of me.
Later watched a YouTube documentary on the death of Marilyn Monroe and how scientists recreated the circumstances and her organs and such but that plus something else I heard had me shaken up I suppose and I fell asleep rather uneasily.....then this often happens I dream I'm sleeping then it's like I'm lifted ip but in a cloud this a dark on and like I was being squeezed. Then was dropped down.....woke up in a sweat.....

Across the bridge, sans headphones

Was thinking, getting lost nearly, as I always do, in Chinatown.......this is going to be killer. Dread in my stomach.
Reminded me of hanging out with Justin, always when I am in the LES. Lovely Bhuddist temple near canal st, next to Fung Wah! What a feeling of liberty, I can drive again. I can register at a hostel, what have you. Up the bridge, not too bad what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so though my muscles ache they are better.....so many times have I been back and forth on this bridge. Food! Food! Thinking now.......

Round again.......

My butt still hurts but oh what a butt........ I'm a Leo which rules the heart running is good for the heart. I managed to make it from the east village down to near canal st .....a long ways! In half hour.......the plan is to go to Brooklyn over the bridge haven't been to coney island in forever. Dying to go to the beach.....if I can make it over there. Friends and I used to ride our bikes out there from fort greene.....

Another.....

Lower blood pressure. Soldieress in a pink dress and pink panties.....another 20 mins missing the first 15 mins of criminal minds but that's the price sometimes.....sultry summer evenings.....I get all mushy corny makes me remember evenings in Evanston bbqs.....

Lovely August Day

Ran half hour not finished.....hunger so intense feels like my head slammed with a rock.....was so tense one o' those......shoulders and neck stiff. Short tempers. I saw a sign by the east river in French it read "flying boat" je pense bataeu volee with an accent.....I remember thinking that makes no sense. But as it is they really do do both. I just watched one land. All this time I still haven't been to the beach.....I was in horrible pain running my ass hurts literally I think from these exercises I did. Dancing again.....that means training. On the up side I have a hot derriere. I try to think that way.....but with every pounce it felt like someone was kicking me back there.....just raw. I was grunting and finally crying practically then screaming. That is my muscles loosened I .....was very stiff. I watched a clip from Kill Bill I love the western scenes in it and the cowboy and Mexican stuff. There were times I felt myself a victim but now I see myself as a soldier.....soldieress? But such are the hazards.......

Nightmares fear of ghosts and Monty Python

Lumber jack song: http://youtu.be/5zey8567bcg

My mom had told me a ghost story which subsequently had me too spooked to sleep at night.....so J Sr. ..... bizarre how things come around.....a Pisces, fish, Poisson, Jesus, feet.....a lot of Pisces (es?- what's the plural of Pisces? Pisces'.....? No that's possessive.....) anyway gave me a tape of Monty Python figuring it would cheer me up and help me overcome my fear of ghosts in the closet. The song they sang was this one, the Lumberjack Song. This was while I was a child in Chicago. Of course it made no sense to me (lumberjack in women's clothing?.....lavatory I'd never heard that word "laboratory?" "I go to the laboratory") It still doesn't. We took many weekend trips to Michigan, Wisconsin, Massachusetts......the road does get boring J Sr. Esp fond of Garrison Keilor..... to visit family and friends.....there was some family tragedy at the time. It happens. I was too young to understand but I guess it seeped in unconsciously. This was a tape he gave me so I heard but did not see. Ghosts in the closet, "Mrs Scum" ("what is scum?").....this song.....this in the dark, at night. I think I was born to stay up at night. Apparently as a baby I drove my mother crazy with my inability to sleep at night.

Crazy night

It's NYC and all Friday night and unfortunately I have dealt with some people who must have been born in the sewers of this town recently. But there are others who are wonderful I've been close to both. I mean I saw so much craziness a couple fighting to where it got physical a guy pulling over asking me if I want to watch him jerk off I mean he told me I'm beautiful after someone else said I am ugly so.....where does that leave me? I asked this guy why would I want to see that? I mean a part of me felt bad for him and knew I was going to be the 200th girl to turn him down..... There is more the situation I talked about I mean it is so.....it doesn't make any sense. I haven't eaten enough have been wired tight from the stress of the past week I look feel haggard. ....I ran through the park felt like I was .....it was hellish I saw myself in the mirror emaciated sweating everywhere and gorgeous but a stranger was looking back at me. Was told something about an initiation (into what?) a marriage (what?) Makes no sense.